It’s no secret that I talk about my vagina a lot. Like, a lot. Like, maybe too much.
(Ha, just kidding, no such thing as too much of my vagina!)
But, even so, I’m going to pause your regularly scheduled vagina programming to bring you a post that’s totally dedicated to the penis. How could I not, after reading The Frisky’s list of 13 Flabbergasting Facts About The Johnson?
Behold, my favorite facts:
Fact #1: One out of every 400 men is flexible enough to give themselves a BJ.
First off, yes, I’ll admit that as soon as I read this fact I got on the ground and tried to bend in such a way that if I did have a penis, I could get it into my mouth. But it didn’t work. So then I bent in other ways. And in other ways. But, nope. No go. Which means I’m not one of the chosen few. Or maybe it just means that I’m not a man. Big sigh of relief, no? But seriously, how do they collect data like this? Is there a group of people standing on street corners next to the Greenpeace volunteers who are shouting, “Excuse me! Excuse me, sir! Can you suck your own cock? Would you be willing to fill out a brief survey?!”
Fact #2: One infant’s discarded foreskin can be grown into new skin for a burn victim, measuring 250,000-square feet, or roughly the size of the Crowne Plaza Resort at Niagara Falls.
THIS IS SO WEIRD. I mean, how does one go about growing 250,000 square feet of skin from a infant’s foreskin? How do you grow skin at all? What would you even do with 250,000 square feet of foreskin skin? Is that how much a single burn victim needs? If so, then how many baby cocks are necessary in the event of a major fire disaster? And how long does it take to grow this skin? And why compare it to the Crowne Plaza Resort? Who does PR for this resort and how did they get their client on this list? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Fact #3: Only 15 percent of men have dicks over 7 inches, and only 3 percent are over 8 inches. And homosexuals have, on average, an extra one-third of an inch to work with.
Again, I have unlimited questions as to the method of gathering these statistics, but the more pressing thing that comes to mind is the fact that I’ve somehow managed to sleep almost exclusively with this 15 percent. How is this possible? What is it about my vagina that attracts men with 7+ inch dicks? Sorry, sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t mention my vagina here, but apparently I can’t stop. Vagina vagina vagina.
But speaking of vagina, or of anti-vagina, it’s pretty fantastic that gay men have larger dicks. That extra one-third of an inch just seems like a big “f off” to any straight dudes out there who are all Judgey McJudgerstein about homosexuality. I approve. 12 points to whoever is in charge of gay dick size.
Fact #4: Former handyman Charles Lennon had an erection that lasted 10 years when he got a steel penile implant in 1996. After a decade’s worth of embarrassment, the 68-year-old was awarded $400,000 for his pain and suffering.
Please hold while I research penile implants.
Okay, so, it’s a treatment for erectile dysfunction, which makes sense, but um, isn’t this outcome like the opposite of erectile dysfunction? Didn’t the pendulum swing way too far to the other side here? Can you even imagine having an erection for TEN YEARS? Also, and maybe most importantly, why would you wait TEN YEARS to be all, “Hey Doc, my dick is still hard.” Charles Lennon shouldn’t have been awarded any monetary compensation for that type of laziness and stupidity.
Fact #5: The average lady’s orgasm lasts 23 seconds. Sorry dudes, you only get six seconds in heaven.
You know what I have to say to this? Good. I say “Good!” to this. Because, well, because if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been doing the naked with a guy and he’s had an orgasm and I haven’t, I’d purchase the entire island of Tahiti and run around naked and sunburned 365 days a year. Assuming it’s sunny 365 days a year. Otherwise I’d be running around naked in the rain. Clearly I need to study up on the climate patterns of Tahiti before making a sizable down payment on my new island home.
Fact #6: The best indicator of a man’s penis size is his aptly named pointer finger.
This is my favorite fact. Do you know why? Because it’s one of those facts that’s so simple, you’ll never forget it. From now until the end of time you’ll be looking down at a dude’s hands and you’ll remember this lovely day that I stopped writing about my vagina long enough to drop some serious penile factoid glory on your life. And then you’ll be all, “Wow, he has a really big pointer finger” and you’ll give him your number and it’ll be the best sex of your life and he’ll totally fall in love with you and you two will get married and live happily ever after. Which is to say, yeah, you’re welcome.
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About the Author
Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Uhmmm, K. What if a man has no pointing finger or it may have be lopped off at a farm tractor pull gone wrong match and someone has followed the little factoid about the pointing finger and did not give him the digits (couldn't help that one) and missed out on a hugely fantastic cock. Yes? No?
I find the pointer finger "fact" a bit suspicious. There's been a lot of studies, because we hetero men are completely at the mercy of female acceptance, about any correlation between various visible body bits and dick size but, to my knowledge anyway, nothing statistically significant has ever shown up.
As for any study that talks about percentages you should just ignore it unless they provide you with the sample size and ideally location. Pun awesome, yet unintended. Anyway. Imagine going out and getting 10 women to let you study their breasts then presenting the case "75% of women D cups". Meaningless without the context.
Aside from that, if it really is somewhere around 15%, then maybe you're being subconsciously selective about it. Size-ist. That or you're measuring in a different manner from the study. Do you actually measure their dicks, or do you just eyeball it?
My orgasms do not last anywhere near 23 seconds. Thanks a lot, universe!
But I want to know HOW the pointer finger compares. Because now that I'm all faithfully married, how else will I know the size of every guy's penis?
Sorry, a STEEL penis implant? STEEL!?
Lucky girl … my men have run from "is it in yet" to "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD YES! YES! YES!" Hmmm, wonder if he is on FB now?
And seriously, I am a little scared of the 250,000 sq. feet of foreskin skin….
I second Fargo – I don't believe the pointer finger fact. Though yes, I might still start looking for a little while.
First of all: BAHAHAHA! HI-larious!
Second of all: a man's pointer finger cannot be an indicator of girth, which in my book, is overrated. I don't want to feel like someone's trying to shove a bazooka up my vajayjay. Not pleasant at all.
And thirdly, he may have a big johnson, but can he use it? A man with talent and an average sized dick trumps a dick the size of Trump Tower that just lays there like a slug on lithium.
Lastly: have you ever had sex with a man with a tiny penis? They exist! I know. And I was all, what's going on down there? Have you started yet?
I’m not so sure about the pointer finger thing. My hands are average but I’m in your so-called 3% group.
And another nuh-uh on the finger thing. In my own hopefully-more-limited-than-a-’scientific’-study sample size, I’ve seen big hands + big wang, big hands + decidedly-below-average wang, and big hands + just-perfectly-above-average wang.
Unless they’re talking about index finger length in proportion to the length of another finger (supposedly most men have a longer ring finger than index finger, and women are usually vice-versa, for instance). In that case, I wasn’t paying nearly enough attention to their hands.
I remember back in high school, someone was handing around a poll about average size. The official number that I've always heard was 6.2 inches. what I remember from that high school poll however was the one girl whose answer was 12 inches. There was some discussion over the definition of 'average' and what that meant but she wouldn't change her answer for the life of her.
I'm thinking the pointer finger reference is more around the size when NOT erect which of course is in NO WAY an indication of size while FULLY erect.
I'm thinking the pointer finger reference is more around the size when NOT erect which of course is in NO WAY an indication of size while FULLY erect.
Apparently, the length of the ring finger compared to index finger length indicates the amount of testosterone the baby is exposed to in the womb. If his ring finger is longer than his index finger, he was swimming in testosterone. He's more likely to be 'aggressive' than somebody with the opposite ratio (although not necessarily violent. I think the term the scientists used was 'boisterous'.)
Penile implants are also called Penile prosthesis, which always makes me sing 'detachable penis', because mentally I'm an 11 year old boy. I read a book once that described the insertion process and… owch.
This thing about a penis being the size of the index finger is all wrong because I just proved that I am longer than my index finger when erect as I just gave myself an erection and I am much longer.
This is so weird. I mean, how more than 250,000 square meters of skin of a child foreskin.I ll admit that when I read this, I am on the floor and tried to bend so that if I had a penis, I could get in my mouth. It did not work. Then I looked through other means.