7 Sexual Things To Do Before I Die

Did you know that I have a Life List? Yep, a big long list of the 126 things I want to do between now and whenever I’m not kicking around in this life anymore. I’ve been publicly adding to this list over the past few years, but then last fall I decided to create a second list, a sexual addendum, if you will…

My Top Dirty To-Dos

1. Have sex in all 50 states
Admittedly, this one is on my non-sexy Life List as well, which should give you an indication of just how much I want to accomplish it. So far, I’m at eight states. EIGHT. Which means I’m doing a very bad job of even getting close to checking this one off. Not being a slut is really hurting my list here, huh? Maybe it’s time for a naked road trip. Just kidding. It’s probably illegal to drive naked.

2. Use a sex swing
I’d like to clarify that I’m in no way acrobatic enough for this, but that I think it’s necessary for me to try it anyway. Why? Because I don’t know a single person who has ever used a sex swing, that’s why. Meaning that this is a prime market to capitalize on for future rounds of story telling that start with, “So, this one time I…” The only problem is that I’m not really all that flexible. Or that strong. Or that inclined to climb into a harness of any kind when I’m naked. Maybe I should start doing yoga. Or maybe I should only attempt this after a wildly strong cocktail. Or both.

3. Have an actual squirting orgasm
The day I learned that girls could do this I was all, “PICK ME PICK ME.” That was years ago. It still hasn’t happened. I’m pissed. Someone finger me until it does. The end.

4. Live stream sex
Shhh, no, I don’t want to broadcast my sex live on the internet. I mean the kind of live streaming where you’re doing it and filming it and it’s playing on the TV all at the same time and I can be like, “Oo, that feels good” and he can be all, “and it looks good” and I can be like, “Damn, we’re hot.” Yes, this is more about my raging narcissism than anything else, but it’s also about his narcissism which means level playing field and hearts and hugs and video taped orgasms for everyone!

5. Have sex while both people are wearing blindfolds
I’ve done it while I’m wearing one and I’ve done it while he’s wearing one, so why not try both together and see how insanely heightened our senses will be? It’s like sex for the blind. Wait, speaking of, did you know that there’s a website called Porn for the Blind where random amateur people narrate short clips of internet porn and then upload them so people can listen? It’s supposed to be for blind people. I think. Or, it’s not at all for blind people and it’s some sort of sick joke but even if it is a sick joke it’s still ridiculous and I think you should listen anyway. But only if you’re alone, or if you’re wearing headphones, or if your day is being spent in a place where you’re neither alone nor wearing headphones but you don’t care because you’re never returning to this place ever again. Yeah, if any of those conditions are true, click here. You’re welcome.

6. Have sex in public and then come back and put up a commemorative plaque
You’re probably all, “What the fuck did you just say?” and I know, I know, it seems weird but all I ask is that you please stay with me for a second and hear me out. I want to have sex in a really random public place, like on a park bench or in the bathroom of a library, and then come back the next day and hang a commemorative plaque in that exact spot that says, “On such and such date, Nicole and {insert lucky person here} had really hot sex. Just thought you should know.” Don’t even try telling me you wouldn’t laugh if you saw that on a park bench, or in the bathroom of a library, or um, ANYWHERE. I win for this idea. Except it wasn’t exactly my idea. {Insert proper credit for unnamed squiggly bracket guy here.}

7. Have sex with the same person for 30 days straight

When I tell people that my goal is to have sex for 30 days straight, they either say one of two things. Either they’re all “You’ve never done that?!?” which isn’t helpful at all and just makes me and my vagina feel sad, or they’re like, “Um, but what about when it’s that time of the month?” to which I say, “If I’m having sex with the same person for THIRTY DAYS STRAIGHT, I’m assuming we know each other well enough to deal with this issue.” But also, why is this an issue? Just grab a towel or jump in the shower or grab a towel and jump in the shower and stop being so weird about things already.

That One Thing That Almost Made The List

The Kama Sutra Turning Position
I was reading a Kama Sutra book the other day (I know right?!) and I found this one position where you start in missionary and then the dude turns all the way around until his feet are at the girl’s head and somehow, his penis stays inside of her the entire time. I read this, and I looked at the pictures, and I was all, “Wee! So funny and odd! Must try!”

But then I started researching it online and the same thing happened that always happened when I research unknown bodily things online: I wind up convinced I’m going to die. One article I found, an aptly titled list of 7 Kama Sutra Tips That Will Put You In The Hospital, warns that a penis isn’t a corkscrew and that with this move, there’s danger of a penis fracture or damage to the chick’s vagina or even of the penis SNAPPING IN HALF. Is this true? What if this is true? God, even if it’s not true, there’s no way I can try the damn move now. I mean, the entire time I’d just be yelling, “BUT I DON’T WANT TO BREAK YOUR COCK!” which is enjoyable for approximately no one.  Kind of like Crissy’s  7 sexual positions she won’t be trying without a helmet.

In other news, apparently there are men out there who rub wasp stingers on their dicks to try to enlarge them.

And you thought *you* were having a bad day.

Nicole Antoinette About Nicole Antoinette

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.

Comments

  1. Nicole,

    Best, best, BEST book on learning to have a squirting orgasm:

    Female Ejaculation & The G-Sopt: Not Your Mother's Orgasm Book! by Deborah Sundahl

    Have fun!

  2. Wait, seriously?! This is amazing. You win. Also, STORY TIME PLEASE.

  3. The plaque wins – hands down, or thumbs up. I would like to place mine in Hugh Hefner's backyard – the wildest place I ever had sex ;-)

  4. ScienceGeek says:

    An ejaculating orgasm will blow your mind in the best possible way. Grab a vibrator and don't stop when you get enough.

    POSSIBLE TMI AHEAD (but hey, it's a sexual bucket list! I help her out, it's got to be good for my karma, right?!)
    Half-full bladder. I don't know why, but it helps. I suspect many women's discovery of squirting ability went something like '*pant, pant *Oh my god. Oh wow, Oh… shit. I haven't done that since I was three' (Smug lover: 'Nope'.) 'Seriously?' *runs to Google* 'YES! My vagina rules!'
    END TMI (Karma, I accept Robert Downey Jr and Nathan Fillion. Or more ejaculating orgasms).

  5. 1-Ever thought about adding Canada's 10 provinces (which every main city is literally alongside the US border)
    2-For a variant of the swing, there's a sex chair (or I don't know what it's called). I saw it in a pay-by-the-hour hotel in Argentina and I was trying to figure out what it was for (and I did take a picture of it).
    3-Apparently, you can learn how to give girl squirting orgasm so this is one of my goal.
    4-Do you mean Skype-sex or something?
    5-How do blind people go on the internet, and if they by some luck click on download, how would they find the file on their computer afterwards!?
    6-You should so do that in Central Park! I was there last week-end and most of the benches have little plaques that say boring stuff. It would be so much better if there was one: Nicole came here (see how it would go under the radar as well…)
    7-Well you could actually do all 7 things on your list in a 30 days period, that would be awesome!

    Good luck :)!

  6. #3 made me laugh out loud and giggle for approximately a minute or so. :)
    PS: I have those, and they're fun, so best of luck!

  7. hey, you can do the "both of us blindfolded" thing without having to go buy another blindfold…

    just turn off all the lights. ;)

  8. I have done a lot of these things because I'm old and a reformed slut. But not so reformed that I don't think the plaque ideas is THE BEST EVER and I am totally getting some. And next year when I turn 40 I"m going to take a little trip and hang them all up. Yeah, there'll be more than 1.

  9. MacMomma says:

    #2-Sex swing is a MUST! And no you do not have to be gumby or in olympic shape. Thats why the swing is so amazing!! You can go forever without getting tired! Don't get me wrong… yoga will always make any sex that much better…
    #6- During a 311/Whalers concert. *raises slut flag*
    Kama Sutra Turning position- Please try it.. but only if the manhood is long… stubbies tend to thwack out of your vagina. At worst you get an ametuer episiotomy… at best a juicy mushroom shaped bruise on your inner thigh. HTH!
    I have real faith that you can accomplish all of these feats in a month. No prob. Good Luck!

  10. So important to have one of these lists. Makes me think about what I'll be putting on mine…

    I've never been all that intrigued by the sex swing thing, so I'll leave that to you & some of your fab readers. LOVE the 30/30 idea, the plaque and the 50 states. The kama sutra thing…now that's interesting for a lesbian who has a penis that won't break….wonder if that'll make my list…

  11. Porn for the blind? Is that a point and click site.

    If you get a swing just make sure you get someone who know's how to anchor stuff into the wall. Not fun to have it collapse on you.

  12. I have gone to the edge and read to much.

    I completely support the plague idea!

    • Plaque! A commemorative plague is what you get if you aren't careful when having sex in a public place.

  13. The sex swing thing is on my list as well. However, when you eventually get to this item on your list, do yourself a favor and take note of the fact that a door sling might be cheaper and take less space, but it is not going to be as exciting and you might possibly die from it.

    Or, you know, you could end up hanging upside down by one leg screaming "HELP ME HELP ME BEFORE I DIE OMG!" while your partner stands on the other side of the room laughing at you mercilessly while all the blood in your body rushes into your head and his roommate has to come see why you are screaming.

    Not that this has ever happened to me or anything. Certainly not.

  14. I mean, yeah, one day we're going to hire that guy who gives the girl squirting orgasms and he's going to feed us pumpkin seeds and juice.

  15. mystagenameis says:

    I absolutely HAVE to make a list now! I will tackle that soon and give the proper links and credit. Love it … and I totally want to do the swing, but I can’t stand to be picked up!

    • When I do it, I'll report back on how it goes. Assuming I don't die in some freak swing accident. Fingers crossed!

      • Wear a helmet :)

        If Indiana, Arkansas, or #51, Washington DC arent checked off #1, you really should make an effort to seek those out. I bet that kind of road trip would result in you knocking out #5 also.

        I might just have to start reading your blog too…thisToyWithMe has turned me on (sorry), to you and the crazy Redhead…I gotta give E some props for bringing all your crazy ladies together in one place.

  16. @brodyqat says:

    Oh, and can I also mention that a variant of the Turning Position can be accomplished with the sex swing? The dude lays on the ground and the chick positions the swing really low and then awkwardly sort of sits back enough in it so she can impale herself on him and then (if you have the right sort of attachment for the top of the swing) can twirl around on top. Sit & Spin, indeed. Much less chance of genital damage.

  17. @brodyqat says:

    I have an acro-yoga swing, which is basically the same thing as a sex swing. It's SO RAD (for both yoga and sex). I'll let you borrow mine but you'll have to, um, come to my house and use it. ;-)

  18. I have already checked off numbers 2 and 3. The squirting orgasm is UH-MAZ-ING!! The sex swing is fun too, but it's not something that you'll want to do everytime.

  19. I think we should get Nicole a swing don't you guys?