So much of what I like depends on my first experience with it. If the first time is good, I’m probably going to be looking for a second time, and a third time, and a twentieth time. But if the first time is accidental, if the first time is because he drank too much whiskey to put it in the right hole, I’m probably not going to be begging for full fledged anal sex anytime soon.
Hi ex boyfriend! Hope you’re doing well!
After that night, the “oh my GOD get that out of there what the hell are you doing that’s my ass, my ASS!” night, I quickly decided that I was a person who didn’t have anal sex. Nope, uh uh, no thanks, not gonna happen. And just like that, I drew defining lines around myself based on the things I wouldn’t do, and anal was perched right at the top of the no-no list.
I thought about it often after that, evaluating my feelings each time a new guy brought it up, and each time I laughed for at least 30 minutes. Listen to this crazy fucker, I thought, he thinks he’s going to put it in my ass.
I was positive that it was the most absurd idea in the history of ideas. I mean, it’s my ass, you know? And every time I thought about it, the 30 minutes of laughter began, ending in a shudder and a, “No seriously, you want to put your what in my where? Oh, and I suppose you’d also like fries with that. And for a million dollars to fall out of a tree and land in your lap.” Good luck bro, good luck.
One time, I dated a guy who said he was going to “persuade my ass through research,” which should have been a flaming red flag because my ass is my ass and it doesn’t care at all about your damn research. But he tried anyway, periodically emailing me links to sites with tips on how to make anal sex more enjoyable, tips like how it can be even better if you do regular anal exercises, and I remember reading it and being all, “Anal exercises?” and the article was like, “Yeah, tightening and releasing your ass muscles to develop anal gripping” and I was all, “Like ass kegels?” and the article was like, “Yeah!” and I’m all, “But but but why would I want my ass to be any tighter?! THE TIGHTNESS IS WHAT I’M ALREADY AFRAID OF,” and I told the guy where he could oh so coincidentally shove his research and that it was front door access only.
And so it went.
Now, with all that being said, this is the part of the story where I’m supposed to tell you that I tried anal again and that something horrifying and hilarious happened, because I mean, the buildup! But here’s what actually happened:
I met a guy who was really into it. A guy who told me I’d like it in a way that made me believe him because he was sincere and didn’t send me to weird websites about ass kegels. We were dating and I was comfortable and all of the sudden it was Thanksgiving and there was more champagne than inhibitions and I was all, “Sure! Anal! Wee!” and we did everything you’re supposed to do with the lube and the more lube and the starting slow and the relaxing and did I mention all the lube? And then it was over and I not only was I still alive, I felt kind of awesome. Awesome like how when you go to get your car repaired and you think it’s going to cost eleventy thousand dollars and it only winds up costing a few hundred dollars and you’re so happy you could simultaneously cry and make out with a homeless person. Yeah, awesome like that.
And you’re probably all, “Yay! You’re so sexually open! You’re growing and pushing your limits!” But you know what? No. That’s actually the opposite of how I feel. I don’t feel excited, I feel like I’m having a straight up and down batshit crazy sexual identity crisis because where does one go after realizing that anal sex isn’t so bad? What happens now that I’m a person who can say, “Oh, nine inches in my butt? Been there, done that.”
And now I’m totally freaked out because I’ve somehow convinced myself that I’m going to become so sexually jaded that I completely run out of normal things to do. Which is when I’ll have to start on the candle wax and the nipple clamps and the ball gags and the weird mommy role playing. And the guy will be all, “I don’t want to role play with your mom” and I’ll be all, “That’s not what I meant!” and he’ll be like, “I mean, I guess she’s kinda hot” and I’ll be all, “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT” and he’ll be like, “I wonder if she likes anal” and then I’ll have to go and hurl myself off a bridge because oh my god my EARS.
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About the Author
Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
Just breathe! There’s more stuff to try between the anal and the role playing with your mom
Just gonna have to trust me on this. But, in the mean time, don’t let that hyperventilation go to waste, that is something else to try. bwahahaha
I took it in the back twice and….NEVER AGAIN!! I don’t care how much persuading is involved…or lube. I’m just not doing it. It freaking hurts and I couldn’t even sit properly for an entire week! Nuh huh…
And then I have the hubster on my case, berating me for letting a stranger (my first bf) slide it in and not him! *sigh*
I’ve done fingers before.. both giving and receiving. In both cases, I’d say it was ‘alright’. Not fabulous. Not horribly painful. A little weird and slightly uncomfortable. I’d do it again with someone who was really into it.. but I don’t see the need to do it just for myself.
Now wax… wax I really liked. If you’re going to do it, I recommend starting with the low temperature candles. They sting like they’re supposed to but don’t KEEP stinging in that “Oh my God! I’m on fire!” sort of way.
I have to say that for a sex blogger, you aren’t very open to sexuality outside of what you enjoy or think is Okie Dokie. Anal can be really really good or really really bad, but it’s not about the amount of lube or being convinced to try it. It’s a question of paying attention to what your body is telling you. And you have to warm up-0 to 9 inches with no prep is a bad idea.
Please try to keep in mind that there’s a whole lot out there that you may not know of or enjoy, but being past the end of your yardstick doesn’t make it bad or wrong. This country is repressed enough sexually as it is. Try not to add to that.
Catherine: Certainly didn’t mean to seem repressed! On the contrary, I think sharing the good experience I had with something I was nervous about, something that’s still pretty taboo, helps make the topic more openly approachable to others who might feel equally unsure about it. At least I hope so!
I was in the same boat as you, but with a caring/gentle Master and a LOT of lube, time and patience (and the occasional enema, NOT something that is enjoyable in my book, but i know others who love it), my mind has changed. That and the look of pride on His face when i take all of him makes me a VERY6 happy submissive as well
I was nodding until you got up to the part about trying it again. I just. . .I really don’t want to. Luckily, my husband is willing to let that go in exchange for other benefits. Thank God.
@Secret Identity – Awesome massage oil candles!! Feels amazing
http://toywithme.com/toys-for-couples/jimmyjane-afterglow-massage-candles/
@Catherine – Thanks for your comment. Sorry to see that you believe her article is helping to repress sexuality, I, however, agree with Nicole’s reply. Toy With Me is about women sharing all aspects of sex openly and with a sense of humor.
Yeah, I saved my ass for marriage. I PRACTICED ASSTINCENCE.
ASSTINENCE! Amazing amazing amazing.
Word of the day ASSTINCENCE.
I have to say that I’ve never really understood the attraction to anal. There’s this wonderful (mostly) self lubricating penis dock just a few inches away that’s never passed poo. Unless you’ve developed a fistula I guess, but you know what I mean. Also you should really get that looked at.
As for repression, just because someone didn’t like, oh let’s say carnitas, at most of the restaurants they’ve been duped into trying it at I wouldn’t say that means they support repressing eating, restaurants, pigs, or Mexicans.
Funny you mention the nipple clamps, I was thinking about picking some up today just for kicks…
Oh, & more on point…I have yet to be convinced concerning the anal sex issue, just not excited about the prospect.
I’m confused about how this came off as repressed? While anything to do with sex is about what your body is feeling, it’s also about what your mind is feeling. Blogging about an experience in ONE category isn’t being repressed?
heh…she said asstinence…
I, myself, have been very curious to try, but the lady friend, not so much. I think she’s slowly warming to the idea, but it’s always on her terms with, hopefully, only a little prodding on my end.
Re your last paragraph – I’ve always wondered the same thing (well, minus the mom deal). Say we do end up enjoying anal, and my rather strong sexual curiosity keeps on ticking, where to then?
Anal sex is where the “sex” is sometimes as uncomfortably placed as a Family Guy montage.
Asstinence is as awesome word. I’m putting it in my lexicon right after my personal favorite… assgasm.
Assgasm! Okay, so, how many ass-based words can we create today?
Oh no.. Assgasm wasn’t created today. In fact, I’ve used it in google search more than five times over the last year or so. Nothing says you’ve properly converted someone over to the ways of butt-love like giving them their first assgasm. At least in fiction. As far as I know no one has ever actually had one.
If I wanted to paint with a broad brush it appears the guys are totally down with anal sex and the girls – meeehhhh – not so much. Three words for you guys – Champagne, Lube & Patience
If this combo doesn’t work then you might be shit out of luck.
Major props for the Word of the Day. Becky comes (cums?) through again.
There’s nothing wrong with using the back door as a holiday gift. Good boy…goooooooooood boy. Present?
>Which is when I’ll have to start on the candle wax and the nipple clamps and the ball gags
All still pretty tame stuff, all things considered. I forget sometimes, in reading your regular blog, that you’re such a…NORMAL. (bless your heart). And that Normals have a much different idea of what’s weird/kinky than the rest of us perverts do.
Anal sex is awesome. (Says this female). Both giving and receiving. I’ve told guys in the past “you don’t get to do me in the ass unless I get to do you.” The ones who’ve gone for it have been SUPER happy about it, considering that whole ‘prostate’ thing. But yes, it’s all about baby steps and warming up first and lube and lube and did I mention lube?
Yes! See Dad? Someone thinks I’m tame!
ass kegels and asstinence! this is some good ass stuff.
Have tried anal, took a long time for hubster to convince. I like it ok, usually requires the two L’s at a minimum (liquor and lube). Now i do think hmmm, what’s next to try. Considering it took us this long to get to assgasm, who knows how long it would take us to get to ball gags. P.s-I’m hoping we never get to ball gags, but I said the same thing about anal. And if I’m down with it and so is he……who cares if anyone else thinks I’m repressed or slutty..eff ‘em, it’s my vagina (and the rest of my body too) so I can fo whatever I want with it .:-$
i’ve done it. a lot. it was never a good experience for me. i mean, it wasn’t bad. it wasn’t really anything for me except the feeling of a cock in my ass. i mean, it seriously does nothing to turn me on. i have no problems doing it, guys seem to really enjoy it… but i get nothing from it except sore.
also, i’ve never NEVER done it with my husband. ever. he’s huge. it scares me. owie. he’s brought it up a few times and i’m all “i’m reformed! no more anal!”
Never tried the anal thing, but I’m down with BrOdy: if you will i will. That would make two steps in my sexual evolution…has anyone reviewed any good ball gags??
Okay, I’m not exactly sure how I ended up here (I didn’t even know this blog existed, much less that you wrote for it….pretty sure I’m not the target audience), but damn that was funny.
Oh, there was a link on Facebook. Whew. That’s my excuse right there.
Anal? Is a big fat no for me. An exit only. I mean, for heaven’s sake POO COMES OUT OF THERE. Why would I want my husband’s precious member engorged by my rectum? & how absolutely disgusting does THAT sound??
Not that I look down upon others who engage in such trysts. I just don’t prefer them. ESPECIALLY after this one time I *accidentally* had anal sex…
Oh god. I think I said too much…
@Colin Wright – Thanks for stumbling in
You’re welcome back anytime.
Have to admit, I like anal. But my first experience wasn’t the accidental oopsie and “OW MAKE IT STOP NOW!” though… those are the WORST and they make me want to vomit and die, so I understand the nervousness. If I’d had that before I did it on purpose with a not-particularly-well-endowed man… It would have been a hard sell.
I was always interested but GF's in high school never were… then I met my soon-to-be-wife in college, who was very, very shy during sex initially but one night, a bit drunker then usual, she begged me to put it in her ass and we haven't stopped since (15 year wedding anniversary this summer)
Now her ass is involved in some way almost every time we have sex: manual, oral (only when freshly showered fyi) and toy stimulation happens all the time and more often then not when she has a great orgasm she's got something up her butt. Actual anal intercourse is more rare for us but when we do get it all right it's fantastic and she cums like a rocketship.
Damn I do love that woman.
Haha what an Interesting blog, I'm the same way when it comes to anal really, people do say you have to try things before you can say you like it or hate it. I understand that, but like you said, the front door is where he can shove those research papers, backdoor… not so much because I'll get those papers in the front door much easier