Baby Jesus Hates My Vagina. Obviously.

Baby Jesus Hates My VaginaFrankly people, I can’t think of something to write about this week. Originally, I was going to write about power play in relationships, and then I thought, “wow, that sounds incredibly boring.” Then I thought I might write about orgies/ sex in college… which sounds like an awesome topic, but I just can’t seem to get it together this week. Maybe it’s the total lack of Christmas spirit I feel, despite all the lights on my block, the songs and commercials on tv, and the fact that I spent an hour caught in a DAMN TRAFFIC JAM in a parking lot. A PARKING LOT, PEOPLE! An hour. It was like y’all were saying to each other, “She killed our savior! Make her sit here until she goes insane and starts pelting small children with Christmas tree ornaments!” Because you almost won, you crafty people, you almost won… but I usually aim for teenagers: they’re more challenging targets.

Anyway, I finally made my way out of that parking lot (I WIN!!) to find my husband desperately packing at home. You see, this year we’re going against the normal Christmas traditions of our people (Chinese food and a movie) to schlep up to New York and see my cousin from Boca Raton (the OTHER great homeland of the Jews). When everything else was packed, he looked up at me, then at my underwear drawer, then back at me. It was that question:

Do we, or do we not… bring the vibrator?

Ok, we all know that sex while staying with family members can be awkward. You’re trying to be quiet, someone’s kids are just old enough to turn the door knobs, but not old enough yet to learn how to knock… then they see you tied down to the bed, one leg up in the air, the other strapped to the wall, and maybe one of you is wearing a mask… normal stuff. Oooooh, but now parents are yelling something about “emotional scarring” and paying for therapy. Blah blah blah. Ok, but sometimes you need a stress reliever at the end of a long day, and your partner isn’t handy. Do you, or do you not pack a couple of *ahem* devices? And how many is too many for a weekend trip?

When you’re a couple like us, you may have a variety of toys to choose from. Cuffs? Yeah, ok, you can’t really explain those away to your family, but neither can you just laugh off the constantly buzzing, giant pink hard-on the six year old has just brought into the room, playing with it like the latest light-saber (“don’t throw that at Sarah!” “Jacob! Don’t put that in your mouth!”). It’s quite the conundrum! I mean, sometimes the hand just won’t do the whole job!

He tossed me the vibrator and, like the experienced traveler I am, I pulled two batteries from the base and packed those separately, and then stuffed my friend in the bottom of the suitcase. We would take our chances.

Bags packed, we started our six hour trek to upstate New York on Christmas morning. It was beautiful! NOBODY was on the road. It was like, us, one Muslim family, a couple of Hindus, and a few Jews who were looking for a place to grab a nosh (that’s your Yiddish Word of the Day, and it means “something to eat”). We sailed right through, and landed on my cousin’s door step a SHOCKING five hours later.

“Put your stuff upstairs.” My cousin said, so the husband and I dragged our crap up the stairs while I left my purse on the kitchen table. With everything put neatly away (the most important thing kept in the suitcase, which was then LOCKED), we walked back downstairs to enjoy an evening with the insane – people – to – whom – I – happen – to – be – related. The night was lovely; nobody was set on fire, nobody had to go to the hospital, and no one had a melt down which ended up with a person locked in the bathroom for half the night. It was a TOTAL win! The husband even stayed downstairs with the family to finish up a challenging game of Scrabble. “What a perfect time for me to sneak away and enjoy the fruits of my well – packed efforts!” I thought.  I stealthily grabbed my purse, and walked upstairs. I closed AND LOCKED the door, pulled the bag out, opened it up, and then reached into my purse for the extra two batteries…

Yeah. I think we all know where this story is heading. The batteries were GONE. It was a DAMN CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARE! They must have fallen out in the car on the way up! ARGH! I bet it was in New Jersey!! DAMN YOU NEW JERSEY!!! There is nothing more frustrating than setting yourself up for a lovely time, to find out that your batteries are dying, or suddenly non – existent! It was like baby Jesus hated my vagina! I waited (with much frustration) for my husband to make his way upstairs, whereupon I physically assaulted him… but that’s not really the point, is it? The point is, why does Jesus hate my vagina? You know, technically we’re both Jewish, soooo…… wtf, man? Isn’t this a time of miracles? What about that film, “It’s a Wonderful Life”?! I bet that dude had batteries when he needed them!

So, from my home to yours, enjoy the holidays, tell your family you love them, and make sure you know where your batteries are. Because nothing ruins the birth of someone else’s deity like not being able to orgasm for over an hour. That’s just an FYI.

Happy Christmahannuqwanzikka!

The Kinky Jew About The Kinky Jew

The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.

Comments

  1. Why didn’t you just take a couple of the kids’ batteries from their Some Assembly Required toy?

  2. There has GOT to be a Jesus-shaped dildo out there. You know, for revenge.

  3. Brilliant. You’ve just confirmed my fear of vibrator dependency. I suppose there really IS no going back to the always silent and portable hand which never needs batteries. I’ll probably never buy a vibrator now!

  4. VJJ – Because I didn’t want to get dressed again, and walk downstairs to the living room, and everyone would have been like, “OH! You’re back! What’s up?” and then I’d be all, “Noooooooothing. Ummm… has anyone seen the remote?!”

    BlowJoy – There ARE!! And I would find it for you, but I’m at work. I think you should Google that shit and post the links! Sharing is caring, my friend.

    JD – Glad to feed your neurosis. It’s kinda what I do. Ummm… what about a nice dildo?!

  5. MoM (but not the real One) says:

    I am for once…speechless! LOL

  6. Hmm…wonder if I can find one that banks to the left so I don’t feel like I’m cheating…

  7. Jackhammer Jesus

  8. Carmiekins says:

    uh………………I’m with MoM on this one……………….why do I feel so PRUDISH all of a sudden? I really need to grow a pair. *sigh*

  9. Ok, now I am NEVER going to be able to keep a straight face when someone asks if anyone has seen the remote!!

  10. Carmiekins says:

    LOL @ VJJ…me either…

  11. ahhh yes the clickkkkkkkkkkk whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr vibrator dependency issue rub rub rub rub rub rub can’t say as I have a problem with that one myself whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr beep whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr beep from little ones [the bullet] to the crook neck for uh anal stimulation you know the one that is shaped like a boomerang ;-) to the actual rubberized on the outside with a real penis look including shaft shape that you can then turn on and in some cases press a button and it ejaculates [yup it does] whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr stroke to the love glove mmmmm my personal favorite for that time when you want to uh sit n chat while ok tmi but beep click Whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I kinda dig them then there’s my strap on that I chase the man around the room with K Y lube in hand oh yea baby come to mama!!!! wait I think I had some kind of point to make but got sidetracked whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hissssssssss oh well if I think of it I will post again oh oh oh oh…………..

  12. Ya couldn’t have taken them out of the camera?

  13. I just came across the use of “Bob” for “battery operated boyfriend.” Is that clever or what?

  14. Oh Diva – that had the same issue of having to go down stairs. My next article should totally be what your emergency preparedness for masturbation during the holidays should look like!

  15. Found some! In Heeb Magazine, of course.

    http://www.heebmagazine.com/blog/view/2522

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