Boobs: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Call Them What You Will

Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Knockers. Chesticles. Melons. Funbags. Ta-Tas. Bosoms. Coconuts. Gazongas. Hooters. Jugs. Milk Bombs. Sweater Puppies. “The Girls.”

Thelma and Louise.

There are HUNDREDS of names for those fantastic mammaries that all of us members of the female sex carry around on our chests, strap into bras every day and spend our entire lives trying to either cover up, make bigger, show off, or simply keep out of the way. And do you want to know why?

Because breasts rule the world.

Hooters. Need I Say More?

OK, maybe that is an exaggeration; they don’t actually RULE the world, but they do, however, yield a mighty and impressive power over approximately 50% of the planet. Pretty impressive for a couple of fatty appendages, don’t you think? Well, really, they are quite awesome. They’re round, soft and pretty, plus they create nourishment for babies, catch crumbs and act as a great pillow on long car rides. I see the appeal, I really do. And I, as a bisexual woman, understand the sexual attraction as well.

But you have to admit that men have taken this bewb obsession to an almost absurd level. Was it really necessary to create a restaurant for the sole purpose of stuffing yourself with chicken wings while surrounded by big boobs in tank tops? Is this some Freudian complex in which men equate eating with breasts, so they stuck them together and it resulted in the feminist atrocity that is Hooters? And must we be subjected to the freakishly enhanced breasts on porn stars and certain celebrities who have decided that since men love breasts, bigger must be better? They scare me. They really do. I mean, some of them are bigger than my head. That’s just not right. But apparently there is a large percentage of men out there who think that those gigantic silicone monstrosities are the best thing since, well, since the first woman grew her first pair of chesticles.

Tits Sell

Breasts seem to have put the “fun” in functional, because these body parts created for the suckling of infants have become verifiable rock stars. Men love them. Women want them. And they are EVERYWHERE. Advertisements, commercials, television, movies, the internet—you are hard pressed to avoid an eyeful of these puppies on a daily basis if you live in America. Those marketing geniuses twiddling their fingers to hatch up their next campaign know what sells, and it’s BOOBS. Men will buy a magazine simply because there is a mere suggestion that there may be a glimpse of boobage within the folds of its glossy pages. Put a girl with scantily clad tits in a beer commercial and there will be thousands of men rewinding it over and over again, allowing the subliminal messages to purchase said beer to seep into their brains. Before they know it, they are stepping up to the bar and blurting out “I’d like a St. Pauli girl please” like a robot with a boob fetish.

Diabolical masterminds, those advertisers.

The Power of The Boob

Those ad execs know how important breasts are to society, largely due to men’s complete infatuation with seeing them, touching them and motorboating the shit out of them. Plenty of women have already figured this out, realizing that by wearing low cut shirts and push up bras, men will give them what they want from being hypnotized by the twin wonders in their sweaters. If I want to get my husband out of a sour mood or get him to agree to something, all I have to do is take off my shirt. Seriously. It’s like my funbags have magical powers that immediately make everything right with the world.

Maybe they do…

Nah, probably not. It’s most likely just the pathological infatuation most men have with breasts. What about vaginas? You know, cooters, hoo-has, va-jay-jays, kitties…of course men love them a little bush, but it doesn’t even compare with their adoring and almost worshipful attitude towards the sweater puppies. Why is that? What is it about boobs that causes men to turn stupid, give away large amounts of cash to strange, sometimes skeevey women, and pay $30 for a badly produced movie on Pay-Per-View?

It’s the power of the boob. It’s an unexplainable phenomenon in which breasts became the most coveted of all female body parts, perhaps for their grope-ability, their pleasing round shape or even the fact that most of the time they are covered up, but you still know they are there, lurking beneath sheaths of fabric. They are the cock tease of female anatomy, flaunting themselves by bouncing when we jog, revealing their tantalizing cleavage that’s just begging for somebody’s face in them and blatantly showing their excitement with their erect nipples.

Can you really blame them? And did it just get warm in here?

They’re Not All Boob Guys

I feel it necessary to take a moment here to acknowledge that not ALL men are obsessed with breasts. There are a multitude of men out there that enjoy all women’s body parts equally, or get more turned on by a nice, round, firm ass or a long, sexy pair of gams. Due to a debacle I like to refer to as “PillGate,” I don’t want to come off as a “sexist” bigot who thinks that all men are walking around with their knuckles dragging on the ground, just waiting for the next bodacious set of ta-ta’s to come along for their viewing or groping pleasure. So let it be said that I am fully aware that some guys don’t think much about boobs, could take ‘em or leave ‘em or would much rather gaze lovingly into their lady’s beautiful, expressive eyes by candlelight…

But you’ve got to admit that most dudes love a great pair of tits.

Possibly related goodness:

1. The Power Of Polyamory

About the Author

Petra Wise is a young, married freelance writer and mother of two. In addition to writing here at Toy With Me, you can find her writing about sex and motherhood at her blog "Sex and The Suburbs" , as well as writing about her life as a work from home mom, wife and sex toy aficionado on her blog, The Wise (Young) Mommy . She is also writing a book on motherhood and sex called Sex and The Suburbs: What Mom’s Don’t Talk About at PTA Meetings and Playdates—But SHOULD.