I Sometimes Have Crushes On Girls

I have a girl crushI saw a girl at Target the other day so hot that I immediately wanted to be her best friend. From the tips of her long black hair to her ivory skin to her perfect perky breasts and the sway of her tight hips, she was stunning perfection and I was immediately enchanted and automatically added forty additional frump points to my already-feeling-frumpy ego. I stalked her through a couple of aisles just to see if she had any noticeable imperfections, like if she was particularly bitchy to the staff, but no, she cooed at a baby and then picked up something that some other knuckle dragger had left on the floor. Unfair, I thought, beauty and a decent personality.

I had to be her friend.

Of course I didn’t end up befriending the Target Goddess because it would be sort of a weird basis for friendship. You know, I couldn’t casually say to her over coffee one day, “Oh, and I thought you were dead sexy so I had to befriend you after I stalked you around Target.” Because that would make me seem weirder than my collection of twenty orchids and sweater-vest made of dead hookers already did. But in the ten minutes that I was graced with her presence, I had developed a Girl Crush.

I immediately told The Daver, my husband, who was with me. He laughed, because it happens to me all the time. I can’t watch television for half an hour before I’m all, “holy shit, I am in LOVE with her hair.” Or “check out the legs on her!” I’d swear that I’m eleventy-jillion times worse than he is because, well, I am, at girl watching. Hell, most days, I’d prefer to watch girls than watch guys.

Why?

I’m not a closeted lesbian nor am I bisexual, and trust me, if I were either of those things, I would be screaming it from the rooftops and spray painting it from the rafters because that’s how I roll, but I just find the ladies, well, hot. And more than wanting to get down and dirty between the sheets with them, because let’s face it, I’m terrified of the vagina, I’d much rather just be their best friend. Not their pudgy sidekick, no, just as an equal, like maybe I’d get hotter if I stood next to them.

Something That Makes Them Sparkle

And it’s not just about their sex appeal. My Girl Crushes could be on the someone who fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down, provided they had that certain something that made them sparkle and shimmer in my eyes. Maybe they’re funny, which is always something I look for in a Girl Crush, or maybe they’re smart, or they have a sexy ass voice, or a sense of fashion that I hope to shamelessly copy and emulate and pass off as my own. Who knows what it is, just that it’s Something That Makes Them Sparkle. Like the lady on the cell phone commercials that always made me a little weak kneed whenever she came on. I tried to explain this to The Daver, but he was too busy lustily grabbing bottles of Astroglide and staring slack-jawed into the distance, imaging a banging three-some where we all worshipped, I’d guess, at the Alter of The Cock.

I hated to break his fantasy up, so I let him stay there for awhile until I reminded him that I’m decidedly not gay and that I prefer to worship at the Alter of The Cock solo. Besides, I gently tried to break it to him, it was highly unlikely that the lady who does the cell phone commercials is somehow going to magically know that some anonymous Midwestern girl with VERY kicky hair has a Girl Crush on her. Plus, I explained, she probably had a room full of money that she regularly bathed in and wouldn’t want to come and live in our boring suburban town just to be my friend. He seemed to buy that.

15 Minutes Later It’s Over

Soon, too, my crush ended when my Target Girl Crush grabbed a copy of Twilight and proceeded to loudly have a conversation on her cellphone about her husband who was, apparently, “soooooo lame,” and she couldn’t wait to text the guy she’d met at the bar last night. Cheating, as always, is kind of a turn off for me. Even in a friend. Probably the shortest relationship I’ve ever had, lasting all of 15 minutes, was over and done. Which was fine with me. Who can ever relax around someone that good looking anyway?

I broke up with my cell phone commercial lady soon after, when I saw her in an infomercial. Color me old fashioned, but I don’t like to mix my commercial actors around and I felt kind of betrayed. Besides, when she spoke she drew “plan” out into about three syllables which, in the North, is pretty unacceptable. We were done to. Broken up.

I’ll move on to other Girl Crushes eventually I’ll break up with them too, because that’s the way it goes. I’m as fickle as they come and that’s okay because I think that I get whatever it is that I need from them: a style I can shamelessly copy or a perfume I can run out and buy and then I move on. It’s my own version of a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am without ever having to take off my shirt or show off my love handles and a good 98% of the time, not a soul knows they’re dating me platonically. It’s for the best that way. I can’t handle rejection.

Have you ever had a girl crush?

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. I have girl crushes all the time. I’ve been with a girl or two, so I suppose that makes me a bisexual? (I always have trouble defining that because I’m *currently*, for the last 7 years, with a guy.)

    Ladies are pretty! They’re dynamic, fascinating, and generally are less poky, more soft, and smell nicer than boys. I don’t necessarily want to single-handedly destroy a purity test with one, but sometimes I wouldn’t mind just cuddling on the couch.

    And good for you, breaking up with the cell phone commercial lady. She’s very inconsiderate for dallying with infomercials…who knows where they’ve been!

  2. OMG! Get out of my head, yo! I was totally going to post about my girl crushes! I recently had a crush on a girl named Laura. OH MY GOD I LOVED LAURA. She was pretty and funny and tall and skinny and omg, she was an ARTIST. I so wanted to be her bff and every time I saw her, I acted like a total asshole.

    I think she thought I was insane.

    Actually, the restraining order sort of proves she did.

  3. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    What’s not to love about girls? Most are sexy without even trying. Plus they smell like a garden on a fresh spring day and they tend said garden meticulously. Bonus points for that ;) Not that I have ever gone to visit the garden. Women just know these things. So…ya.

  4. I’m deliciously guilty of the Girl Crush. Personally, I think it’s a much better place to be at in life where a woman can look at another woman and appreciate her instead of look as if she’s been smelling onions for the past hour. No shame in admiring a beautiful creature!

  5. I had a major girl crush on my sister-in-law. She was younger, with perfect hair, great tits, and she was a ‘performance dancer’ (stripper)! OMG what was not to love?! Plus, she was married to my husband’s brother who is hotter than hot….just the thought of that steamy sandwich lasted through many self indulgence sessions! Then all hell broke loose and they got divorced. Is it bad to be glad since now I can have my girl crush without the nastiness of the cheating vibe?!

  6. AvionicsMan says:

    mmmm girl crushes!!! I get them all the time. Oh …wait a minute I am a guy… nevermind then. Great blog Becky!!

  7. Just A Little Crush (a play in one act)

    (Bejeweled cell phone rings. )
    Aunt Becky: Hello? Hello?
    (Silence)
    Aunt Becky: Is anyone there? I don’t have time for this! Dick
    (Hangs up the phone.)
    Me: (whispers) I love you.

    The End

  8. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Lady of the House – Stalker :)

  9. Thank you for affirming that it is not just me that does this thing. Tee-hee. I almost feel “normal” (but wait–I don’t want to be NORMAL).

  10. I notice boobs before my boyfriend does. “holy crap did you see that girl’s boobs?!”
    I’ve already exclaimed my 16-year-old girl crush on you. Oops I just did it again. Anyway I usually just have crushes on famous women, like Janet Jackson, and Hallie Berry.
    And real women with beautiful breasts. Mostly because mine are scarred and hiding in my armpits.

  11. I’m always checking out sweater kittens where Daver is all, “there was a girl there?”

  12. I have them often, but like you, they are often gone after 15 minutes or so. I date people, though, regardless of their gender- If I’m attracted to someone, then I’m attracted to them! I don’t try to help it. Girls are so much more fun to cuddle with then men are. We smell better and we’re much softer. It’s fantastic.

    However, while I have been a visitor to other couples’ bedrooms from time to time, I do, as you do, prefer to worship at the alter of cock all by myself. Mostly, anyway.

  13. Admit it, Aunt Becky: this is just your clever way of professing your girl crush for me, right? Right?!? ;)

    I have had many a girl crush, but most of mine are internet-based *cough*AuntBecky*cough*. However, even in real life, it’s usually a race between Chebbar and I to see who notices luscious lady lumps first. Of course, all his (Neanderthal) friends end up agape that I would not only a) not get pissy when he looks, but also b) point ‘em out when he misses them. Silly boys. hehehe

  14. What if I told you I had a major girl crush on you without even seeing a picture of you?

    nevermind

    back to my cave…

    *blush*

  15. Delicious! And right on the money, honey. My hubs also appreciates when I oogle at a hot girl…it gives him the green light, so to speak, to look without getting slapped, ha! I also oogle at hot guys, though, just to enforce that he CAN be replaced at a moment’s notice. Keeps the love alive! Great blog, gal.

  16. yes! they last around 5 or ten minutes or so and then they do something and im like BITCH and leave LOL

  17. I, too, appreciate women. But that’s not so strange, because I am a dude.

  18. I have a girlcrush on like half the Internet. No lie.

  19. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    My girl crushes are usually mutual – lucky me. I think the best part of a girl crush is you can innocently flirt til your heart is content. Plus your man never gets jealous, just turned on, so everyone wins ;)

  20. Of course I have had a girl crush. I am a boy. And you aren’t fickle you are ADD.
    But cheating. … oh the cheaters are to be despised. Can’t we make em wear a scarlet letter or something. Too old fashioned?

  21. I don’t exactly get girl crushes, I get girly clothing crushes.
    I wear comfy clothes and shoes, sit in an office, get paid, go home. When I see a woman all dressed lovely, wearing beautiful shoes, I’m like all, Sigh. Especially if she can walk in the shoes and be all styling and elegant.
    Then I remember, I walk 3 miles home from work, stupid fucking shoes, where are my sneakers.
    Then I get over it.

  22. Definately a part of the girl crush movement. We are beautiful. My crushes tend to be my physical opposite (Black hair, exotic features) all the things I tend to think dull about myself.

    My husband and guy friends also tend to use me to point out boobies in a crowed since I am a people watcher (I was deemed a valuable asset at Mardi Gras for a few years).

  23. Actually Aunt Becky I am kinds crushin on you! I love how you tell it like it is… kinda reminds me of someone?… oh yeah, me!
    I am in love with Megan Fox and Carmen Electra! So sad and pathetic, but they are just dead sexy!
    When we see beauty we just want to be close to it. I felt the same way when I first saw my husband. I just wanted to be next to him:) and now that I am I just want to get away;)
    Love Tawnia

  24. I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush on a girl in real life.. but I have several tv crushes.. Neve Campbell, Tina Fey… I don’t know how I would feel if they hit on me though…

  25. Dave and I both sigh wistfully over Megan Fox.

    And I think I’m in love with about half of my readers. Seriously.

  26. Yea, I have three girl crushes…….you, Crissy, and Stefanie Wilder-Taylor……….

  27. I totally have a girl crush on you, Aunt Becky. I’ve often thought about meeting you and what a lame douchebag I would be. *sigh*

  28. I get girl crushes all the time. I look for something they have that I dont, and once I discover what it is. I usually get over it. Women are just plain ole sexy, I mean really, boobs!!! Theyre awesome!!!
    I just may have a girl crush on YOU Aunt Becky!!

  29. Totally get girl crushes. All the time. I have girl crushes on a few of my close girl-friends, and also on a few chick bloggers out there (you, barefoot foodie, and erin obrien).

    Not to mention every girl I’ve ever seen front a rock band and do it well.

  30. I loved the part about “adding forty additional frump points”. Best laugh I had all day! And I get crushes on other women all the time too.

  31. YES. Even we lesbians have girl crushes- on chicks we really don’t want to have sex with. Well, not much anyway. For me, it’s always more about who I would like to be than who I would like to be with.

    My ultimate girl crush: Simone Lahbib

  32. I add my vote for Megan Fox.
    I even went to Transformers 2.

    Had a major girl crush on Lori Petty aka Tank Girl a long time ago.

    The boy crush I have right now is the skinny geeky guy on Criminal Minds. Dr. Reid, come and examine my brain. Swoon.
    Yeah, cause every under 30 famous actor guy is looking for a 50 year old woman with thinning hair and health problems . . .

  33. mumma boo says:

    Well, sure! Mostly on women who have something about them that I admire and want to emulate. It’s not about sex, but yeah, I’d rather look at boobs than dingleberries. Sorry guys – when it comes to giggle-inducing body parts, you win.

  34. While I get girl crushes, I haven’t had that many for ordinary women. Sure, no woman is ordinary. We do far too much to be ordinary. Perhaps I should use a different word but I suspect that I’ve watched too much girl on girl porn, and I’m conditioned toward giving certain physical types of women a second look and the moment I overhear a woman gripe about her kids, housework, husband, I switch off. I figure…that I’ve gone through similar gripes and don’t want to go there? I don’t know.
    But I do like to engage in fantasy on an obscene, crude and torrid manner. My girl on girl fantasies are more exciting than the usual hetero fantasy, unless the fantasy involves more than one man (yes, at the same time), but that’s another story.

  35. I develop a new girl crush at least every other week, and I, like you, am strictly dudes only (well, more like dude only since the wedding!). I’ve gone from Zooey Deschanel to Heather Bailey to a girlfriend of my husband’s client to Giada DeLaurentiis… It’s pretty much an ongoing cycle of awe :) I think a good dose of awe and a little enamourment can be healthy!

  36. I have them, oh yes, celeb and real life. In real life I tend to like mothers of 3+ children with big boobs. Celebs? Gwen Stefani has been my longest running girl crush ever. Like you, I don’t really want to lick her. I picture us brushing each other’s hair.
    Oh, and “knuckle dragger” slays me every time, as does shut your whore mouth.

  37. It’s pretty fucking sad when the moment a girl mentions that another girl is pretty, guys are all like ‘LESBIAN! I WANNA SEE YOU KISS HER!” Fuck, dude. Just because I have the same attraction to breasts that my husband does, or I notice a girl who’s got a seemingly perfect rear does not make me a lesbian. Sorry, guys. Just because I’ve kissed a girl (and I did kind of like it) does not mean that I want to go nose-deep into her bits (the mere thought of it kind of makes me a little ill). Girl crush? I’ve got several going at the same time right now. Emily Deschanel. Reese Witherspoon. And a girl I work with (who’s not-so-secretly crushing on my sweater kittens).

    Audra, if you’re a stitcher, check out subversivecrossstich dot com. They’ve got a fabulous kit that has a cute check pattern around the edge. The middle? “Shut Your Whore Mouth”. Lurves it.

  38. Yeah, I get girl crushes all the time. One of my close friends is a former girl crush of mine; I just thought she was the coolest person EVER (she’s still awesome, but now that I’m actually her friend I’ve gotten over it a bit). I actually have crushes on both genders of people, even though I am happily in a relationship. It’s all about wanting a friendship to me– I think they’re cool, and hopefully they’ll think I’m cool too! (Doesn’t always work that way, but I can dream.) Since I form deeper bonds with guys than girls overall, I am an equal-opportunity crusher. Boobs still beat balls, though– who wants to look at a guy when there are beautiful ladies around?

  39. Clair Jordan says:

    I don’t know if its a crush, but I am mesmerized by Megan Fox’s flat stomach. Maybe it’s because before three kids I had a stomach like that. (Not that tan or shiny but nice and flat!)

    Someone once told me they couldn’t believe what a nice rack I had considering I had three children. Gee……..thanks!

  40. Is it creepy that I think I have a girl crush on you? Just typing that sounds creepy… I tend to “like” girls that I wish I could be like and you’re just so open and honest that I envy it and think it is the sex in a non sex way. I also have a small girl crush on my best friend who is a burlesque dancer. I love that she is so free with her body without being slutty.

  41. I have girl crushes all the time. Even been with one before. I don’t think it makes me a lesbian or bisexual. Possibly curious. I’ve been with my husband for the past 7 years so I can def say I’m straight.

    I think all women have girl crushes. Perfectly normal.

  42. Minus my girl crush on you I get girl crushes all the time. Even on people I’m already friends with! So sure, it can be awkward when you stare at the bartendress with the amazing tattoo who poured you the best whiskey of your life…but even more awkward when your best friend comes over to wash your hair because your hand is broken and you suddenly want to marry her. I mean awkward for them, because, clearly, well, have you met me?

  43. wait…

    you mean there are OTHER altars?

  44. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    mumma boo – “dingleberries” sounds good enough to eat ;)

    ‘LESBIAN! I WANNA SEE YOU KISS HER!” (by Stephanie)
    Guys do tend to get a little over zealous when it comes to girls even remotely liking each other. One casual passing comment about another girl and your man is on the phone booking a hotel room, ordering champagne and finding the nearest “toy store” for a strap-on. He has the threesome planned and ready to go.

  45. Girls are just hot. I’m completely straight, and completely comfortable with it, it’s why i have no problem finding girls sexy ;)
    Like, I could make a list of hot women SO much easier than men. I just notice them more, I think it’s kinda a comparative thing – as in ZOMG WHY THE F*&* CAN’T I LOOK LIKE THAT. ahem.
    I’m not crazy, promise (:

  46. I have girl crushes on most of the Internet. Is that weird? DON’T ANSWER THAT.

  47. Bex – and his best friend to video it all :)

  48. I’ve had a few.

  49. I get girl crushes just like you do…I want to be their new best friend! (And nothing more.) I’m into the more natural looking girls though: long hair, cute glasses, and not a ton of makeup. And most of the time, a killer smile will win me over immediately.

    My husband thinks I’m weird.

  50. I totally got a girl crush on my last OBGyn. OMG I loved her. She was so funny and straightforward and frank and cute and I pretty much immediately started wondering if her husband would get along with my boyfriend and picturing fun dinners together with the four of us. Plus, you know, it’s not exactly a fun doctor visit so the fact that she was young and joking around and suggesting sex games I could play with my boyfriend made her my hero. Then she went and had a baby and decided to go into research. I only ever had one appointment with her, but I still think about how awesome she was.

  51. I always crush on fab women with blazing wit, the gift of sarcasm, and intriguing personalities. Conventional notions of sex appeal are only rarely part of it. Not that I don’t appreciate beauty, because I do, but it’s so little of what causes a crush for me.

    Most often, there is that something almost indefinable there, in the eyes, the smile, the voice, the hair. Something I see/feel.

  52. Does it matter if you want to be like your girl crush, or like to be with them (some kind of physical)- it is just plain fun to surround yourself with people that you think are beautiful. It makes you feel better, and think better. Men are just not art like women, they are functional. Everyone has function in their lives, we need more art! Living, breathing, vibrational ART! Something we can walk away with and look forward to, something that is moment to moment. I love my girl crushes- some are friends and some are little more friendly, and that is ok. Girls can cuddle and kiss and not have to have a ‘happy ending’. Girl kissing is very sensual and an activity unto it’s own.

  53. Every woman I have ever been with, admits to having girl crushes. Its probably just me….carefully screening to make sure I get a really good perv. I like girls too. lol

  54. I have a Girl Crush on this girl at work and this post perfectly sums up exactly how I feel. She's so sexy and cool but I, like you, am terrified of the vagina.

    Sigh. Too bad. We could have been great together.

  55. I have that all the time…but of course I’m bisexual so my crushes are less about being their friend…

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