The first time I realized that I could literally put my foot in my own mouth, I realized that I was probably some kind of genius that should make money off my own awesomeness. My brother called me a circus freak show, but that was probably unrelated to my bendiness. I just seemed to be unusually bendy in that way.
Many, MANY years later, I saw part of a porno where a man actually managed to stick a tiny part of his own penis into his mouth. The male friends I was watching it with seemed to be blown away by his flexibility and I heard a chorus of, “If I could do that, I’d NEVER leave my house!” It didn’t look comfortable to me, the way he’d contorted himself in order to felate himself, but most of what occurs in pornos doesn’t exactly reek of “comfort” to me, so I wasn’t exactly a good judge of it. I later heard that Prince, or the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, or whatever he’s calling himself these days, had a couple of ribs removed so that he could manage to self-felate like the dude in the porn. For someone the approximate size and shape of a Keebler Elf, it didn’t make much sense to me, but I didn’t pretend to understand the appeal.
For The Record, I’ve Never Tried To Munch On My Own Box
At the time that I saw the porn, I still hadn’t had The Sex, so I’d never really thought much about my own flexibility, and I’d certainly never attempted to munch my own box because the thought of that turned my stomach. Much as I enjoyed it, I figured I’d leave that for my partner. After I did begin to have The Sex, my boyfriend and I didn’t exactly go all Kama Sutra until several months into it. I didn’t figure that it would be any big deal. I mean, I could fit my foot (literally AND figuratively) in my mouth, so really, how hard could being on top during The Sex be?
Famous last words.
Turns out that there’s no graceful way to go from being on the bottom to being on the top when you have no flexibility in your hips in that direction. The first time that we tried it, I nearly broke his poor wang off which is probably the sexiest thing you can do to your partner short of laughing at the size of his penis. Luckily, because we were teenagers, it didn’t affect anything down below and we both got a good laugh out of it after we got our hump on, of course.
Behold The Awkward She-Beast
But, I’ve still never figured out a good, sexy-time way to have The Sex while I’m on the top without feeling like an awkward she-beast. And if I’m feeling awkward and unsexy, well, my partner isn’t exactly digging that much either. If porno is to be believed (and since when do pornos lie?) women enjoy riding the bologna pony and don’t have issues with their hips locking up uncomfortably while they scream in pain. Well, at least the sorts of porno that I watch.
“Graceful” Is Not A Word I Would Use To Describe Myself
And that’s only after I’ve managed to wrangle my way up atop my poor unsuspecting lover and mange to achieve the actual sex without falling onto my ungraceful face. I’m not a graceful person, I should make that abundantly clear, and I have done such brilliant things as: break a toe making a sandwich, break a door carrying a single Diet Coke through it. I have had a whole host of burns, broken bones, and am always covered in assorted bumps and bruises of unknown origin. In fact, I’m always claiming that “I got this bruise giving head” because it’s a good enough excuse as any as far as I’m concerned.
So genuinely, there’s about a 75% chance that once I’m actually on top, that I’ll actually fall over and break something, requiring a hospital visit. It makes for a more exciting humping experience, I suppose, because it’s fraught with peril, but it grows tiresome after you have to be the one writing out check after check to the emergency department. Plus, if your partner’s face is screwed up in pain, not ecstasy, I imagine that it takes a little fun out of it.
Basically, I can get on top providing that I do not have to move once I’m there, which is about as exhilarating as beige paint for us both. No longer, Toy With Me-ers, am I going to be BEIGE PAINT! I want to be SPARKLY PINK UNICORN (albeit) UNCOORDINATED PAINT! If it takes intense yoga training and and installing an old person balance bar in my bedroom, dammit, it’s worth it!
And even if I never quite get there, well, at least I know the Emergency Room is well stocked with narcotics for the various injuries I will no doubt incur.
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
I love it when my girl jumps my bones and climbs on top… for a couple of reasons. It feels good, it offers a bit of variety to spice things up, and most importantly, it tells me that she's as into The Sexy Time as I am… it's not just me always accosting her.
Having said that, the element of danger that you bring to it sounds exciting! Just be happy and confident, laugh things off if they go awry, and keep practicing! After all, practicing makes perfect… or at least that's a good excuse to keep having a lot of The Sexy Time.
Aw, I love you, Mr. Keeping it Spicy, whomever you are.
One time, I read about this specific sex move in Cosmo that required a woman on top and about three pillows….
…It's the only good thing Cosmo has ever given me.
Cosmo has only managed to give me a complex.
Horseback riding is amazing for accomplishing this feat! When posting up & down it builds up your leg and hip muscles, not to mention the actual movement of posting is pretty much the same one required to get your mojo on when your on top. Hmmm….wondering if this is why women love riding horses – wait, WHAT?
Perhaps I should take up horses…
…that sounded dirtier than I meant it to.
I vote yes to this.
Maybe you need a softer mattress or one of those awesome memory foam mattress toppers–I find that being on top when having sex on the floor is awkward because my knees don't quite touch, and it creates a wobbly situation (as if there wasn't enough wobbly going on with the condition of my ass). Stick a pillow on each side of your man next time to rest your legs on and see if that helps, because being on top is so excellent you shouldn't miss out.
I have a temperpedic mattress. Mayhap that is my problem.
I have one of those too! They're sink-y and there's no bouncing. Not helpful.
Sounds like some serious mattress shopping is in order. It's time the mattress outlets realized how important trial runs are before a purchase.
Tempurpedic is lousy for fucking, and not so good for sleeping either. Had one for 4 years, was glad to see it go.
I am also a majorly uncoordinated person, and this post made me feel so much better about all the fun, kinky positions that I just can't do without someone ending up covered in bruises.
I find that this is what makes The Sex more interesting!
I don't know about you but I fell on the floor and started crying that the Prince of Purple rain went through such an ordeal. I can never watch that movie again without this new visual.
On a more closely related note I once got a crick in my neck from bad positioning. Does that count?
Prince is full of The Win, but I'm not sure if that story is true. It sounds like bullshit, doesn't it?
I also have never found a "comfortable way to go about being on top./ I'm the queen of awkward and always end up hurting the dude in some way… BUT I still try.. maybe one of these days I'll get the hang of it…
Once you do, you'll be glad you did
Nice Aunt Becky!
Another great blog post. I assume you know there are other positions besides Missionary and Cowgirl Up. I'm sorry youre in so much pain. I will say a healing prayer for you. Have you had a chiropractor check out your pelvis, to see if you have injuries, maybe spinal problems? I'm curious what the cause of your physical pain is .DEFINITELY something worth checking out.
How did you break a door carrying Diet Coke??Wow. BTW, even if I had full ability to fellate myself, I so would NOT. Gross. Yuck. I prefer tacos to hot dogs ANY day of the week! Lol
Finally, being " beige" cant be all bad. It seems to work pretty well for Jennifer Aniston. She gets all kinds of action.
My best to you always hon. : )
I had to lose 75lbs in order to find the appeal of being on top. I wish i was exaggerating. The whole mounting thing was a process, I felt like there was a spotlight on me, and if I managed to actually get in the groove, hip cramps were sure to stop me dead.
Now I am proficient in both the use of basic on top and advanced reverse cowgirl. The control is worth the effort.
Practice makes perfect!
My husband is disabled, and as such, the only way that the two of us can achieve actual intercourse is with me on top. It is a LOT of work for me, and sometimes, I just want to tell him that we should just get each other's rocks off, rather than actually having The Sex. Of course, being a man, he's all "but I like the Sex". Never actually occurs to him that all he does is just lie there!!
I bet you have amazing thighs though.
I am from a hardy Eastern European stock, so I had thunder thighs to begin with. Now, I can crack a walnut with these babies!!! lol
Okay, being uncoordinated is my thing….I broke a bone in the top of my foot with a can of diet coke. So, let's not even turn this into a contest.
I just basically suck while standing. No wait, that isn't what I meant. Anywho….. the two times the universe seems to let me get all past my inability to hold onto things or, ya know, move one foot in front of the other, is when I am dancing or sexing. Really does sound like the top position issue might be more of a hip positioning problem, like one you might want just use some pillows or something to counterbalance. Or, just get so drunk that the broken bones and bruises aren't noticeable until the next morning. In other words, roll with it. Teee heee
Alcohol is not the answer to everything, but it sure doesn't hurt.
This is an odd question, but after 10+ years of my man, does it have more to do with his package (length, angle, etc.)?
Takes the pressure off of you that way anyway. Blame him!
Lol – the old stand by excuse.
I don't know. Beige can be kind of nice…
Only frigid people think that
have a martini
I too am EXTREMELY uncoordinated. I got a concussion from being startled by a pigeon once, and totally whacked my ankle stepping off a curb. That said, try the porn position of squatting on top with your feet actually touching on either side. Not as difficult as it looks, and definitely NOT beige! Takes some practice to sustain for any period of time, building up those quad muscles and such, but not as difficult as the porn stars make it seem!
Time to hit the gym and practice some squats. This could come in handy for all kinds of things
installing the old person balance bar in the bedroom is genius!
and bologna pony —- pure gold!!!!!
I am getting a bar but mine will be pink and have glitter.
for me, i'm all about the top – forward and reverse cowgirl…my problem is with a pretty dismount…that is where i get all dorky!
anyone have any tips please please please….
If everything else went according to plan he'll be asleep and not even notice the dismount
our problem with this position is that shortly after crissy climbs the peak, she hits the bell.
everyone is left looking around, confused, wondering what just happened. it's that quick.
obviously she can't be trusted.
Scratching my head and wondering what exactly is the problem. You ring that bell woman!!
You can't ring multiple times??!! You just have to take over for a minute while she recovers … silly.
Well, there is the "frog" position which I can only maintain for two minutes before my thighs start to burn and I am crying out in pain and not pleasure.
If you have a sturdy headboard you can grasp it with both hands and lean back slightly. Throws your tits in the air and gives him a good view. And only requires minimal up and down.
Throw in a tiny circle-y twist in the rotation.
And REMEMBER … when you start to get tired … pinch your nipples and moan really loud … your job is almost done (also remember to have your orgasmS BEFORE you climb on top)
one word: trapeze!
Sure it’s hard to explain to the kids, the maid, your mom. Tell ‘em it’s for drying laundry.