I am highly prone to Girl Crushes, which is weird because I didn’t get along with women until I was in my twenties. My experiences with women in my younger years were mostly that they were fucking assholes that would say, “I love you (aunt) Becky. You’re my best friend forever!!!” and then they’d go suck my boyfriend’s dick in the bathroom because they had Daddy Issues. Or they’d be the jealous, furious girlfriend of my male friends whose dicks I assure you before God and The Internet that DIDN’T suck who would cattily make my life hell for simply being friends with their boyfriend.
That all changed in my twenties, which I am freaking THANKFUL for, because without women, I would be pretty lost. Your Aunt Becky loves of The Ladies. It seems the older I get, the harder it is to have male friendships, but that’s a topic for another column or something someone else with half a brain can explain, because obviously.
I’ll be honest, Toy With Me-ers, I’ve even kissed a few of The Ladies in my day. And while I hate Katy Perry ALMOST as much as I hate Gwen Stefani (nothing, NOTHING could compare to the white hot hate I feel for her, though), she has a point: kissing girls is pretty awesome. But, I should add, I’m not going to be a trendy bisexual blogger because THAT is just too many labels for me.
The Women, though, they’re just hotter than men. Better kissers, too. And like so many of us, I have List of Weird Men I Would Have The Sex With. In fact, I wrote about it here, once, and you guys were all, “they’re not weird” which furthers my point that I love the Internet because I could say ANYTHING and someone would be all, “Me too” and you know that they would be telling the truth.
Anyway, I also have a List Of Women I Would Make Out With. I’d probably not do much more beyond make out with them and then ask them how they got to be so Full Of The Awesome and then maybe see if we could order pizza and stay up all night talking about our dreamy crushes on Justin Timberlake while we traded secrets. But I have A List, and I think it’s a good one, although it’s in no particular order (which will infuriate the Type-A people out there)(Hehe).
Zooey Deschanel. So, you can probably guess that I like quirky people because quirky people are far superior to normal people and she’s the poster child for quirky chicks. She’s what I like to call a “pocket pal” because she’s someone I’d like to stuff in my pocket and pull out to entertain me when I’m bored. It sounds creepy when I type it all out, but I assure you that it’s actually MUCH less creepy in my mind. Because I don’t have a box where I keep people under my bed or anything. Anyway, her character in Weeds is the only place I’ve seen her act and she’s random and adorable and pretty much I want to smoosh her face and then be her best friend. After we make out. Plus, she’s my age, which makes me feel like I’m not ancient Uncle Pervy Old Balls for thinking she’s cute.
. Okay, so I had to Google her to get the correct spelling of her name because I’m not so smart, and I am apparently TOTALLY not alone in thinking that she’s hot. I have good taste in women. So, THIS should be case and point for all of those girls out there starving themselves to look like gangly fashion models, because Hendricks is curvy and hot. Guys go WILD for her curves because she inhabits them without apology, and we all know there’s nothing sexier than a woman who owns her body. I know she got some flack for having those curves, but damn, I don’t know a single guy that wouldn’t drop whomever and whatever if she came a-knocking. So girls, if you’re out there, just take a look at her and remember: if you’ve got it, love it.
Natalie Portman. I like smart people, I make no apologies for this. It’s probably to make up for my own lack of intelligence, but either way, this girl is WICKED smart and I think it would be like osmosis if I could be around her. You know, particles of smart flowing from an area of higher concentration to an area of lower concentration? She’s beautiful and she’s smart as hell and while I’m not normally into ACTORS because I think they’d probably be insufferable bores, I would be willing to bet that she doesn’t take herself as seriously as some of the others do because this is MY fantasy, yo. Plus, did I mention that she’s both intelligent AND sexy? Nothing hotter, my Toy With Me-ers, nothing.
Carrie Underwood. I have A Thing for musicians, that I probably shouldn’t announce to the world because I tried to suppress it for many years after dating a string (heh, PUN) of worthless, aimless musicians. But, those are MALE musicians, and despite her recent nuptials, I think that Ms. Underwood and I could make out for a long, long time. Then she could maybe sing me an awesome ballad (like Journey’s “Faithfully,” which I love, and if you mock it, I will cut you) and we could swap party dresses and then attend some red carpet events and look all glamorous and shit. Nothing about this is going to be bad.
Megan Fox. Now, I went back and forth, my three brain cells knocking against my skull, trying to decide whether or not I should include her on my list. In the end, I decided that her hotness could overcome anything that came out of her mouth, and to that end, I would totally make out with her. She’s smoking hot and she’d probably entertain me by saying the sort of stupid crap I say on Twitter like, “I can see Alaska from my house!” Only I’m (mostly) kidding and she’s totally not. Her hotness can overcome a lot, though, which is probably why she’s gotten anywhere in life besides a life pumping gas. In fact, that’s why MOST hot people are insufferable, yet we all put up with them anyway.
So, Toy With Me-ers, now you’ve seen The Ladies I’d Make Out With, it’s your turn to tell us who you think is hot.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
All I can say is Oh my….. There are plenty of chicks that are hot, but would I ever make out with one? Ummm, no….Girls are better off as friends not lovers.. Love reading your blogs as always. Great job.
See? Like I said yesterday, we should elope. (Where what I actually meant was that we should make out.) It’s true that I’m nothing like any of these women, except that I’m quirky. And a musician…of words? Does that count? And reasonably smart. And I have curves. (Okay, it’s a belly pooch, not boobs, but still, curves.)
OMG, I am exactly like these women. Plus I’d never suck your dh’s dick in the bathroom. Call me.
One of my friends once said: "Women are soft and curvy and beautiful. Men are lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day."
That said, since this is about jumping the tracks, my wife still occassionally teases me about the little man-crush I had on Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 fame (not to be confused with Rob Thomas of Veronica Mars fame).
a female friend of mine likes to point out that she's "strictly dickly".
the thought of having sex with a man is so disgusting I don't know how women can do it.
just sayin'
jc
Catherine Zeta-Jones… even tho she married Michael Douglas :S
Megan Fox… becuase why not
Mila Kunis… just adorable!
(PS: I once read an article that said Megan Fox was bi and had an affair with a Canadian stripper, she used to bring flowers to her at the club too apparently!)
I am SO with you on Zooey and Christina! (proof: my list -http://crazywithasideofawesomesauce.blogspot.com/2010/05/chicks-who-do-it-for-me.html)
But I'd like to punch Megan Fox in her implants.
I don't know that I'd like to make out with Natalie Portman but I can totally see why she made the list. Her and Zooey. Oh and the curvy hot chick. Nice post!
Oddly enough, we seem to have the same taste in women. Who knew?
And yes, I would make out with all of the women on your list.
As for men? Not many I could say are hot. If I was forced into making out with one, it would have to be Sam Elliot (circa mid-80's).
I one time told my mom (a not really hip chick) that a guy who was pumping the gas for us had a really cute bum and he turned around right as she was looking at it. She got all flustered as he came to her window to get her to pay.
Imagine what it would do to her if Ms Fox was pumping gas for us and I said something and …
Wa ha ha! Sorry. Your last one on the list cracked me up cuz all I could imagine was Megan, in Daisy Duke (Catherine Bach style, I'm old school, or just plain old) shorts and T, pumping gas at my local station. Youch.
Janet Jackson- oh WOW… she is my most favorite woman ever! Thats The Way Love Goes Video makes me QUIVER!!!!!!!!!!
Rosario Dawson- Even before she played Mimi in Rent I loved her and my husband is obsessed as well
Agreed on all of the above.. except natalie is soo teeny I'd be afraid of crushing her when I crushed on her.
Drew Barrymore is on my 10. I adore her, always have and probably always will.
i'm so with you on zooey (those eyes), hendricks (those curves) and natalie (the coolness).
i'd have to add penelope cruz (eyes, curves, smartness and accent), scarlett johannsen (the curves, smartness and porcelain skin). salma hayek (see penelope cruz), cate blanchett (smartness times 10), frances mcdormand (smartness, funniness, coolness), holly hunter (smartness, coolness) and you of course (smartness, funniness, realness, blogginess, and sinister blonde streaks).
you look awesome in that photo!
Megan Fox is really really hot! I would eagerly get hot and heavy with Ashley Greene. I think she is so, so beautiful!
I don't really know who Zooey Deschanel or Megan Fox are, so I guess they've never made any impression on me. I'm with you on Christina Hendricks.
My girl crush, surprisingly to me, is Kristen Stewart. I finally saw Twilight a few months ago, having devoured the books last summer, and the much ballyhooed male leads did nothing for me. The girl playing Bella, though … spellbinding.
you have good taste, becks.
the question remains: do you taste good?
let's get daver to weigh in…
I can NOT believe I am not on this list? WTF were you thinking??? Thanks. Now I will go jump off a phone book and surely injure myself. today is more like dry hump day anyway.
I had a huge girl crush on this barista at a coffeeshop in amsterdam a few weeks ago! I told my hubs "if only i was still in college…."
Megan Fox seriously de-hottified herself with a shitload of ill-advised plastic surgery along with marrying Brian Austin Green. Seriously? That's the best you could do? Brian Austin Green?
The others are luscious.
My list consists of one female, Kristen Stewart. I am not 100% sure what the appeal is, but let me tell you it is most certainly there! She is oh so awkward, which I simply adore! Plus I love a fellow female with a mean "Bitch Face"!
Interesting. Not one of those are on my list. Although, I don't have a list. Yet.
Showing my age – Sela Ward or Hallie Berry would be on my list.
mmm your list made me purr
but i have to rebel against one of the comments above..kstewart doesnt do it for me…ashley greene though..uhm. yeah. id also have to add miranda lambert…curves, and man that girl has a mean mouth (as in her lyrics are awesome and sing to my soul) plus..yeah, shes hot. & drew barrymore is awfully high up on my list..shes awesome.
& i love this comment by pattypunker "and you of course (smartness, funniness, realness, blogginess, and sinister blonde streaks)." haha i think that daily when i read your tweets. id put aunt becky in my top 10..though..the aunt, yeah it makes it sound pervish. lol
I'm there with Christina Hendricks…I also have a thing for Gina Torres, also from Fire Fly, Gina Bellman, of Leverage, Padma Lakshmi, from Top Chef, and Scarlett Johannsen, recently of Iron Man II fame. (Yes, I am a geek.)
*ahem*
Clearly a temporary oversight on your part but I couldn't help noticing that I'm not on your list…
P.S. Hendricks is mine
I've never really MADE OUT with a chick but that scene in "Nine" when Penelope Cruz does her little song/strip number? It almost turned me. Good God Almighty she was hot…
I love Zooey and the rest too but to me they aren't YUM. Scarlett Johannsen. Yes.
I'm right up there with @Fawn Amber on the Penelope Cruz scene in "Nine" (even though I thought the movie sucked.
Being a legit bisexual (and effing proud of it, man. Don't try to TELL me I'm just confused!), I pretty much agree with your entire list. Except Megan Fox. Homegirl bugs me like no other.
The top of my list, though, is ruled by Kelly Clarkson. She just looks like SO MUCH FUN! You know the "List of 5"? The list of 5 celebrities that your sig. other wouldn't be opposed to you sleeping with once? I get 10. A list of 5 girls and a list of 5 guys. My fiance rocks, obviously.
i agree: kelly has that SOMETHING that is just very enticing.
Oh my. I barely follow along with celebrity gossip so this is purely a looks/roles list:
Michelle Rodriguez, Joan Jett, Lucy Lawless, Eliza Dushku, Halle Berry, Jessica Alba
Is it bad that I'm compelled to read your posts both here and at Mommy wants Vodka because of the stellar quality of your pictures of yore? I mean SERIOUSLY. The level of hot is staggering. Also? The boy told me he had a dream of me and Megan Fox having sex. I vehemently cursed my subconscious for not providing such epic fodder. My dreams involved filing cabinets that night. And not event the throw you down on top of them kind! That's just bullshit.
It's hard to knock Zooey off number 1, but after hearing Natalie's rap, she should be number 1. The rest of your list will do.
What what what? No Britney?? Sure she needs a decent weave and a stylist but remember how hot she was in the early 2000s?? She's still top o' my Chick List. Zooey is adorbs, but I like Katy Perry, too (sorry). And Christina Hendricks…purr.
What!?! I'm not on your list??? But you said you wanted to hump my leg. I'm a really great kisser, BTW. And my c-section belly is so hawt!
Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Lopez, Freida Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire), Shakira, Angelina Jolie, and definitely not least, Olivia Wilde from House. Oops, that's six. But I've never kissed a girl in real life, so I can have an active fantasy list. I do occasionally think about this, but since I'm already married and 35 with 2 kids, it's fairly unlikely I'll ever try it out. College would have been a great time for that, but it didn't really occur to me then. Oh well. Not too heartbroken about it.
You must have mistakenly left me off your list. Heh.
I found it very strange that although you mentioned a lot of "quirky" guys in your "Seven studs I would love to hump", you did not include my top two girls I would like to make out with:
- Angelina Jolie (http://cinemagia.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/angelina_jolie.jpg) because of the tatoos + lots of craziness + Mrs. and Mrs. Smith sexiness … I know she was responsible for the separation from Jen, but I don't see Jen in YOUR list (and I definitely will not put her in mine).
- Charlize Theron (as in for the J'Adore Dior commercial http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5puGM9Adg-o pe) because of the Devil's Advocate movie and the fact that she looks like someone that would be a incredibly hot make out.
Two very excellent choices.
I could so get dirty with Natalie Portman. Gorgeous.