Seven Studs I Would Love To Hump

I make no secret of the fact that I have rather odd taste in celebrity crushes. I know that while most people would give their left labia to make desperate love to Orlando Bloom, I’m into more quirky guys. It’s not to say that I would kick the guy out of bed for eating crackers (isn’t that right, Crackers?), but given the opportunity and the fantasy, my Hollywood Sex Fantasies tend to run the more…well, atypical. Please tell me you’re not surprised.

Gary Oldman

Gary OldmanFirst on my To Do list, is Gary Oldman. He’s been there since he was younger, so it’s safe to assume that I’d probably rather do a YOUNGER Gary Oldman since he’s kinda old now. He’s staying on there because there’s just something incredible about a guy who can portray Sid Vicious and Beethoven without blinking an eye. He’s so versatile as an actor that I can’t help but think that he’d probably be the same between the sheets. Plus, he’s English, and the accent is always a huge turn-on for me.

Hugh Laurie

Hugh LaurieHugh Laurie is on my list of dirty guys I’d hump in a second, not because I have a thing for old dudes, although now it’s starting to look like it, but because he’s fucking hilarious. And there’s nothing hotter than a guy that can make me laugh especially if they have an adorable English accent. I especially adore him as crusty, Vicodin-popping Dr. House, in House, MD, because he’s just such a lovable misanthropic asshole. I know it’s typical for women to go after the jerk, and I swear that in real life, I don’t, but this is FANTASY, people. I’d jump his cane-wielding, people-hating bones in a second. Afterwards, we could share some Vicodin! Nothing about this sucks.

Joshua Jackson

Joshua JacksonTo prove that I don’t just like guys with old balls and loose skin, number three on my quirky guys I want to hump list is Joshua Jackson. Now, I didn’t watch Dawson’s Creek, so I don’t remember him from his younger days. But now that he’s a mad genius on a television, I can’t help but kind of want to jump his bones. He’s my age, which proves I don’t have a Daddy Complex, but he’s goofy enough that I could see myself actually being able to meet him and get along with him in real life. I suppose that’s what it is with all the “pretty boys.” They’re eye candy for sure but if I actually met one, I’d probably want to throttle him after he spent 6 hours staring at himself in the mirror fixing his hair so it looked justso.

Neil Patrick Harris

Neil Patrick HarrisAnother one of my weird, dirty crushes is Neil Patrick Harris. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the little elfish blond Doogie Howser, except for this: he firmly bats for the other team. I mean really, he doesn’t like the puss. Oddly, I’m not the sort of woman who tends to go for the gay guy, but in his case, I find him absolutely irresistible. Something about the way he mixes humor with a razor sharp wit makes me want to turn him straight. I know, I know, it doesn’t work that way, and really, I wouldn’t waste my time on it, but a harmless crush from afar doesn’t hurt, does it? I mean, so long as no one sees my shrine to him, we’re all good.


DexterThat brings me to Dexter. Ah, Dexter, my serial killer boyfriend. I never thought I’d use the term “serial killer boyfriend” together in a sentence so lovingly, but then I’d never met Dexter before. There’s just something so beguiling about a fictional character who is a brutal-yet very dorky-cold blooded killer that I find absolutely irresistible. I can’t help that I want hump the bejesus out of him every time he gets all into killing someone. It makes me sound like a freak, I know, but hogtie me up and call me a bad, bad girl, I can’t help it. He’s fantastic and I want to make sweet, serial killer love to him.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprioWho can forget Leonardo DiCaprio? Most of you are probably either nodding your head or rolling your eyes right now because you’re all “he was sooooo hot in Titanic. I get it, Becky.” Because he was. But I didn’t fall for him there. No, because I have a thing for weirdos, I thought he was absolutely adorable in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? In case you’re not familiar with this movie, he plays a mentally disabled person in that movie, although I’d seen him in other things, so I knew there wasn’t actually anything wrong with him. He plays the role quite well, actually and it warmed my small teenage heart (we’re the same age, he and I) And he was bloody adorable in that role. So that’s where my love of Leo developed, not when he was all “leading man.” This alone should speak volumes about my personality.

Brad Pitt

Brad PittBrad Pitt, oh, Brad Pitt, how the mighty have fallen. Have I told you that I still haven’t forgiven him for the Jen/Angelina thing? Because five years later I still don’t buy that they were “just friends” on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Anyway, his sexiness level has gone steadily downhill since I’ve decided that he’s probably an asshole, so there’s that. But I fell for Brad when he wasn’t a huge name movie star, because I’m not into the big names. No, I fell for Brad when he was in 12 Monkeys. He played a totally wigged out crazy person in the movie and there was just nothing I didn’t love about his wild, twitchy behavior. Totally a panty-twister for me. Which, again, don’t know why, but probably means that I should get my head looked at lest I join a cult.

I should probably add a disclaimer here that my husband is neither stupid, nor old, nor a cult leader, just to save the poor guy any potential embarrassment. I’m just tired of reading the “Guys I’d Do In Hollywood Lists” that list the same old beautiful guys time and time again. We get it; they’re hot as hell. But what about the quirky ones? I mean, don’t the weirdos need love too?

Toy With Me About Toy With Me


  1. I LOVE Neil Patrick Harris and I totally have a dirty little fantasy about turning him straight too… He's so funny!

    Also, Dexter. DAYUM.

  2. Lol, my boyfriend looks a lot like Dexter and the number of girls flirting with him in front of me has greatly increased simply because of this since the start of the series. I feel that you are not alone in loving this character.

  3. I had a weird crush on leo in the Departed…and Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting. I am also strangely fascinated by James Franco….

  4. CockGawker says:

    Oh yes, Marian — Daniel Day Lewis any day.

  5. Oh, and Daniel Day Lewis.

  6. Gary Oldman. OMG. Thank you! I’d actually totally tap that now, old balls and all…

  7. jack black. awwyeaahh.

    but actually i’m into old dudes like jeff bridges (the door in the floor *drool*)

    robert shit hot downey jr. definitely.

  8. Someone should drop Jack a link here, I’m sure he’d be thrilled. Have to admit I would totally let him eat crackers in my bed.

  9. Jack Black is hot. Funny guys are hot as hell.

  10. I don’t think these choices are quirky!

    The only celebrities I kinda sorta had a thing for were John Cusack and Jack Black. (Shut UP.)

  11. Does anybody else realize that this could become a very large game of Fuck – Marry – Kill?

    I’m debating making a male version of this list for my next post to TWM, but I’m afraid it would become just an unending list of redheads. Yes, Christina Hendricks is on there (OMG have you seen the cover of NY Mag this month?; Mary Tyler Moore circa 1963-64; Kate Winslet; dare I go on….

    Anyway, I need to grab an issue of NY Magazine and go make some man-made oysters, Ciao!

  12. 100% positively agree… I especially love me some Dexter… mmmmm mmmm Goood

  13. Suzy Voices says:

    Totally with you on Dexter and House. SO HOT!! Mmmm, and Johnny Depp. But Robert Downey Jr is my husband. I’m the one who got him to quit doing drugs. He did it for me.

  14. Hugh Laurie is totally hot. I don’t have a well-defined list in my mind, but I’m pretty sure it would include Bradley Cooper. And the guy who played Kirbyin Lipstick Jungle, Robert Buckley, who is so hot I wonder if he’s from another dimension or something.

    Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. Who is less eye-candy type but makes it up with the bad boy thing, plus he can sing and he’s a superhero and stuff. Yum.

  15. I am totally in love with Jeremy Irons. That deep gravelly voice with an English accent and dark intelligent eyes gets me all atwitter. I also go for guys with a good sense of humor like Hugh Grant and Colin Firth.

    But I get what you are saying about the wierd guys too. James Spader in the Secretary had me wanting to do something bad so he would give me a hard spanking!

  16. Brad Pitt in Kalifornia……….yummm.
    Also Id do David Letterman.

  17. ooh, I forgot Mike Rowe. And Ben Bailey, from Cash Cab. And Craig Ferguson. Don’t know how I left him off the list!

  18. So glad you posted about this rather than my cupcake and zombie suggestions! I say ditto to Gary Oldman circa The Professional and add Christian Bale. From Newsies, when he was younger and less of a douche.

  19. Okay, Audra, “Kalifornia” is why I would never do Brad Pitt under any circumstances. Way too good at playing creepy.

    Rather, here’s my list (though I realize some of these guys are too geeky for most folks to have heard of):
    1. Hugh Laurie (Oh, I so agree with y’all! Hilarious at any age, and I have a thing for guys who play guitar.)
    2. Conor Oberst (also has a guitar)
    3. Kal Penn (as an actor and a politician, he makes me happy)
    4. author Neil Gaiman (because I’m a very nerdy girl)
    5. John Linnell of They Might Be Giants (see #4)
    6. Johnny Depp (of course!)
    7. James McAvoy

  20. I agree with Hugh Laurie. Also, if we’re talking about hot old dudes, I gotta say Mike Rowe. Also John Stamos. (He kissed me once. Are you sure you don’t want to hear the story?) Oh, and Eddie Izzard but back in the mid nineties. And only if he wore lipstick and eyeliner while we humped. Someone mentioned Alan Cumming and I have to agree with that as well. and I would probably cream myself if Vin Diesel just talked dirty to me. He’s more muscle-ly than I usually like, but oh my lord that voice. Love it.

  21. Audra Flammang says:

    Oh, and Aunt Becky- PLEASE tell me you have seen the amazing piece of American filmmaking that is “Kalifornia.” Best Brad EVER, period.

  22. Audra Flammang says:

    I was just telling my sister in law that I will heart Leo forever because of his role as Arnie in Gilbert Grape. He was fantastic and that movie is precious. Oh, and Gary Oldman was a complete bad-ass as Dracula.

    The weirdo I feel the odd urge to bone: Jack White from the White Stripes. Not as weird but random: Tom Hanks.

  23. Dear Redhead says:

    Dexter = hottest serial killer of all time. ALL TIME. Not even Kanye West would disagree. Hump, hump, hump.

    But what – no David Duchovney? #sadface

    I would take my pet Lickalottapus over to David’s house any day of the week.

  24. Oh my! I am far to busy saving that pic of The Dex to my computer to bother responding, I will have some alone time with him later tonight. Sorry Aunt Becky, I promise he won’t enjoy it nearly as much as I do.

    Also, The Duchovny is MINE!

    As is Jimmy Fallon, right this minute I am certain he is slowly devouring some of the chocolate vaginas I had delivered to him for VD. *lick them Jimmy, lick them, yessssss, that’s it* :)

    Did someone say they “could” have sex all day? As in they currently take breaks? WTH????

  25. i heart craig bierko. and paul bettany. and alan cumming. (even though he looks like he smells weird. or perhaps because of it.)

  26. i’m in awe of your choices. gary oldman in two of my favorite movies eva: sid and nancy and immortal beloved! and don’t forget as DRACULA! the dude oozes sex. i’d so pop pills with hugh laurie. and his bad leg would be super hot in bed. neil patrick harris – what a riot! i have to agree, can’t we convert him? he’s too fucking funny to ignore. and leo baby. he was awesome in gilbert grape. did you ever see basketball diaries (heroin addict) or the beach (sexy outcast)? and he was incredible in revolutionary road. and i haven’t given up on brad. from thelma and louise to inglorius basterds — what a body of work and what a body i’d like to work.

    also, i have to add along with some of the others: johnny depp and david duchovony. and then of course ryan gosling — what i should have said in response to “this isn’t your fathers sex doll” is LARS, I AM THE REAL GIRL!

  27. My secret fantasy is Ryan Gosling. Yum @ any hot, talented, indie actor. Mr. Gosling is 3 for 3.

  28. Heather (qtberryhead) says:

    OMG. Now I am wondering where my celebrities-I’d-hump list falls as far as mainstream.
    I am totally ripping this off to do my own post…after I make sure I’m not normal.
    Because normal blows.

  29. Okay, DR, I never thought about David Duchovney, but you’re right, he’s hot.

  30. ok whoa, back. it. up. I fell in love with Brad Pitt too before he was a mega superstar. I LOVED him in 12 monkey’s and totally had the hots for him way back then. Then he went and did Legends of the Fall and I was all DUDE! GIVE HIM TO ME! I don’t care if he is a jerk…he doesn’t have to talk in the bedroom, it’s totally cool. x

  31. LindsayDianne says:

    I’ve heard that Ryan Reynolds was a total dink in highschool… but… most people were.
    Especially those who looked like that.

  32. Katie (aka Kekibird) says:

    Sadly, Brad Pitt is the only one on my “to-do” list. All the other ones…meh. Most I’ve never considered and others…too weeny.

  33. LindsayDianne says:

    Michael C. Hall? AMAZING. Totally. He was hot both as straight laced, but gay David on Six Feet Under.. And is EVEN hotter as serial murder artist, Dexter. Today’s best character actor, I think, by far.
    I love Ryan Reynolds, myself. As well as Canadian musicians, Matthew Good and Dan Mangan. I guess I just like Canadian men!
    Excellent list.

  34. Baby, I would have sex all day, every day if I could. ESPECIALLY if it meant no more babies.

  35. Loved Brad Pitt in 12 Monkeys too! Also, Snatch, which, despite the name is not a porno, but actually the Guy Ritchie film where he played the dirty gypsy.
    Hugh Laurie definitely. I have loved him since his days on the BBC.

  36. Love the photo of Neil Patrick Harris……the way his shirt is unbuttoned and the button is unbuttoned on his pants…..that right there made my panties fall off.

    I am very into Adam Lambert……….Mad World made my panties fall off…………

    I love Dr Scott from Dinosaur Train (weird, I know but I find him oh so hot!)

    Steve Songs from those PBS commercials…….hot hot hot!

  37. I KNEW IT WAS HIM. Also, I love him. He is my husband. We’re married. And in love.

  38. When Dexter (or Michael what ever) did the voice over on the commercial during the Superbowl…All I heard was “I will carry your lip balm” As I was sexily putting on MY LIP BALM…and I new exactly what he meant.

  39. See, Joshua Jackson looks like he’s a nice guy too. Most of the Hollywood guys look like they’re assholes. I don’t know that because I’ve never met any, but I’m guessing they’re probably jerks.

  40. Come to Canada and jump Joshy while they’re filming. He looks like such a sweet guy!

  41. Joshua Jackson and Michael c. Hall and Hugh Laurie. Oh yeah…..

    I liked Brad Pitt in Seven, but I lost the lovin’ feeling after that.

  42. I love Leo too. But strangely, I was never into him until I saw The Departed. I kind of hate Titanic. Or anything romantic for that reason b/c GAG!

    I made him take a picture with me at Sundance. Haha.

    Also: Dexter? HOT. WOULD ALSO DO.

  44. When ever I see Leonardo in anything, I have flash backs to Arnie. One of my friends and I watched Titanic on video when it came out, and laughed through the whole thing pretending that he was really Arnie. He was great in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, so was Johnny Depp.

  45. Ugh, Brad. What a waste of a face. You are right, when he “went to the dark side” (Angelina), he lost all of his appeal IMO. Let’s hope he is a better parent than he is a partner, especially since he seems to desire such a large family.

  46. I’m all over the Neil Patrick Harris one, but that’s because he’s funny…and I like funny which explains my confusing and misguided crush on Jack Black and half the cast of Saturday Night Live, both past and present.

    Can I suggest Australia’s Simon Baker of the Mentalist for your consideration?
    I find he’s an excellent muse for special alone time…

  47. Jersey Girl, it’s ONLY in 12 Monkeys. I’m STILL not over the whole breakup because really, I don’t want to hump him now. Fight Club, yeah, I’d hump him there. You’re right. GOOD ONE.

  48. Give me Johnny Depp any day of the week.

  49. Knowing our mutual love for Hugh Laurie and Joshua Jackson, I’m kinda surprised to see Brad Pitt on your list. Although 12 Monkeys was a really good movie, I can only get going about him when I see Fight Club.

  50. I would give my left kidney to sleep with any of these guys, starting with NPH.

    Wait, do we have left and right kidneys? Is that how kidneys work? Clearly I need Doogie to come play doctor with me, stat.

  51. For me brad in lock, stock and2smoking barrels was pure filth!!! You know the violent, spitting gypsy…….what you don’t think that’s sexy??!
    Also I totally get dexter we’d have hot hot tidy sex!

  52. Holy shitballs…I thought I was the only one who loved crazy Brad in 12 Monkeys!
    And Hugh Laurie….yes indeed. I wonder if he’d agree to a foursome w/ you me and mommaruthsays? LMAO

  53. Oh my my my my my my my my my.

    There are SO many things I’d like to do to Hugh Laurie, it isn’t even funny. Or decent.

    But seeing this list, I’d substitute Gary Oldman or Leonoardo DiCaprio into the mix, too.

  54. OH MY!! Dexter *swooooooon*