I make no secret of the fact that I have rather odd taste in celebrity crushes. I know that while most people would give their left labia to make desperate love to Orlando Bloom, I’m into more quirky guys. It’s not to say that I would kick the guy out of bed for eating crackers (isn’t that right, Crackers?), but given the opportunity and the fantasy, my Hollywood Sex Fantasies tend to run the more…well, atypical. Please tell me you’re not surprised.
First on my To Do list, is Gary Oldman. He’s been there since he was younger, so it’s safe to assume that I’d probably rather do a YOUNGER Gary Oldman since he’s kinda old now. He’s staying on there because there’s just something incredible about a guy who can portray Sid Vicious and Beethoven without blinking an eye. He’s so versatile as an actor that I can’t help but think that he’d probably be the same between the sheets. Plus, he’s English, and the accent is always a huge turn-on for me.
Hugh Laurie is on my list of dirty guys I’d hump in a second, not because I have a thing for old dudes, although now it’s starting to look like it, but because he’s fucking hilarious. And there’s nothing hotter than a guy that can make me laugh especially if they have an adorable English accent. I especially adore him as crusty, Vicodin-popping Dr. House, in House, MD, because he’s just such a lovable misanthropic asshole. I know it’s typical for women to go after the jerk, and I swear that in real life, I don’t, but this is FANTASY, people. I’d jump his cane-wielding, people-hating bones in a second. Afterwards, we could share some Vicodin! Nothing about this sucks.
To prove that I don’t just like guys with old balls and loose skin, number three on my quirky guys I want to hump list is Joshua Jackson. Now, I didn’t watch Dawson’s Creek, so I don’t remember him from his younger days. But now that he’s a mad genius on a television, I can’t help but kind of want to jump his bones. He’s my age, which proves I don’t have a Daddy Complex, but he’s goofy enough that I could see myself actually being able to meet him and get along with him in real life. I suppose that’s what it is with all the “pretty boys.” They’re eye candy for sure but if I actually met one, I’d probably want to throttle him after he spent 6 hours staring at himself in the mirror fixing his hair so it looked justso.
Neil Patrick Harris
Another one of my weird, dirty crushes is Neil Patrick Harris. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the little elfish blond Doogie Howser, except for this: he firmly bats for the other team. I mean really, he doesn’t like the puss. Oddly, I’m not the sort of woman who tends to go for the gay guy, but in his case, I find him absolutely irresistible. Something about the way he mixes humor with a razor sharp wit makes me want to turn him straight. I know, I know, it doesn’t work that way, and really, I wouldn’t waste my time on it, but a harmless crush from afar doesn’t hurt, does it? I mean, so long as no one sees my shrine to him, we’re all good.
That brings me to Dexter. Ah, Dexter, my serial killer boyfriend. I never thought I’d use the term “serial killer boyfriend” together in a sentence so lovingly, but then I’d never met Dexter before. There’s just something so beguiling about a fictional character who is a brutal-yet very dorky-cold blooded killer that I find absolutely irresistible. I can’t help that I want hump the bejesus out of him every time he gets all into killing someone. It makes me sound like a freak, I know, but hogtie me up and call me a bad, bad girl, I can’t help it. He’s fantastic and I want to make sweet, serial killer love to him.
Who can forget Leonardo DiCaprio? Most of you are probably either nodding your head or rolling your eyes right now because you’re all “he was sooooo hot in Titanic. I get it, Becky.” Because he was. But I didn’t fall for him there. No, because I have a thing for weirdos, I thought he was absolutely adorable in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? In case you’re not familiar with this movie, he plays a mentally disabled person in that movie, although I’d seen him in other things, so I knew there wasn’t actually anything wrong with him. He plays the role quite well, actually and it warmed my small teenage heart (we’re the same age, he and I) And he was bloody adorable in that role. So that’s where my love of Leo developed, not when he was all “leading man.” This alone should speak volumes about my personality.
Brad Pitt, oh, Brad Pitt, how the mighty have fallen. Have I told you that I still haven’t forgiven him for the Jen/Angelina thing? Because five years later I still don’t buy that they were “just friends” on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Anyway, his sexiness level has gone steadily downhill since I’ve decided that he’s probably an asshole, so there’s that. But I fell for Brad when he wasn’t a huge name movie star, because I’m not into the big names. No, I fell for Brad when he was in 12 Monkeys. He played a totally wigged out crazy person in the movie and there was just nothing I didn’t love about his wild, twitchy behavior. Totally a panty-twister for me. Which, again, don’t know why, but probably means that I should get my head looked at lest I join a cult.
I should probably add a disclaimer here that my husband is neither stupid, nor old, nor a cult leader, just to save the poor guy any potential embarrassment. I’m just tired of reading the “Guys I’d Do In Hollywood Lists” that list the same old beautiful guys time and time again. We get it; they’re hot as hell. But what about the quirky ones? I mean, don’t the weirdos need love too?