Here’s a crash course in Rebecca: I’m a young lass of 24 who is freshly married to someone who is a good 17 years older than I am (that’s ok, I’ll wait while you do the math). I’ve never been a girly-girl, I have a raunchy sense of humor, I hate cuddling, I hate chick-flicks and rom-coms, I hate things that make you cry and I hate emotions (this will all be important in a few minutes).
A few weeks ago, when I was feeling particularly moist in my lady bits, I straddled my husband and murmured in his ear that I wanted him to fuck him.
And he recoiled in horror.
Now, it’s not like I was coming on to a random stranger in the street. This is my husband. The man who vowed to love my bedraggled ass forever. The man who’s seen me barf, Exorcist-style, all over a hotel room after a vodka binge. The man who applauds every time I fart. We have no secrets.
So what the fuck is up with him being embarrassed about the word “fuck”? His answer: “It just sounds weird coming from you. It makes me uncomfortable. You’re my wife. Why can’t you say something else, like ‘have sex’ or ‘make love’?”
Without going into a huge rant about how I loathe the term ‘making love’ because the only thing I can picture in my head is hairy hippies going at it, let’s discuss for a moment the “You’re my wife” comment. The last time I checked, I didn’t have my vagina rights revoked the second I walked down the aisle. So what’s with the sudden need for a de-sexualized wifey?
After I grilled him mercilessly about what, exactly, he meant while marching up and down the living room like a 1920’s feminist at a rally, I managed to worm it out of him: It’s not that he wants a de-sexualized wife, it’s that he’s uncomfortable with my overt libido. He’s worried that he’s going to disappoint me because he thinks he can’t keep up with me sexually. The last time I checked, older men LOVE IT when a fresh-out-of-college blonde practically humps their leg and have no problem being just as horny, but maybe I’m living in an alternate reality. For him, though, knowing that he can’t keep up with me now makes him worried about what’s going to happen to our relationship in 5, 10, 15 years.
It made me take a step back and look at my own method of “wooing.” Gone are the days when you can look a frat boy square in the eye and demand he fuck your brains out. As it turns out, when you’re married and dealing with someone who you’re connected to for life, who loves you, who’s more mature than your previous loves, you have to work harder on making sure that person is comfortable and relaxed with you instead of being all, “OMG, give me an orgasm now, wheee!”
In other words, it’s no longer all about me. It’s all about connecting with the other person.
This has been a difficult lesson for me on how I view myself sexually and what it’s like to have a partner. I’ve never been good at being truly intimate with someone, and I honestly thought men would prefer a girl who’s rough-and-tumble in bed as opposed to someone who wants to talk about “feelings.” For so long, I’ve prided myself on being overtly sexual and anti-mush, but it shocks me that I’m married to someone who, it turns out, doesn’t mind a bit of tenderness. Not only that, but I’ve never even thought about how the guy was feeling; if he came, I assumed things were good! Not once did I consider that a man might want to savor the whole sex experience and not just bang it out.
Without going into too many graphic details, the next night, I took a different approach. I went a lot slower than I usually do. I focused more on touch and intimacy and being close (which, I’ll be honest, made me barf a little on the inside) than my usual “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.” And while I’m still not 100% sold on the perks of spooning afterward (long periods of touching = gross) I have to admit that it was really nice to see him so happy and at ease with everything (the sex wasn’t bad, either).
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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
I can totally relate to this!!!
Love it! Keep working on it though. Someday I bet you'll be able to use "fuck me" with him.
My first (SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD) boyfriend dumped me because I wanted "too much sex" (and smoked too much cannabis, but I also paid my rent and worked full time while he lived with his mommy and she did his laundry, so.. that negates THAT)…
Seriously, you ladies have no idea how much better this makes me feel knowing that I'm not the only one who has to deal with this!
You're picking up some fans along the way too.
My kind of woman!!!!
oh rebecca, you naughty little minx. we miss you.
one of the finest moments of my dating career was when my then girlfriend turned to me (while naked) and said "bite me as hard as you can on the neck while you fuck me in the ass."
obvious desire! clear instructions! it was a revelation. also, very hot.
sadly, it has not been repeated. since then sex has mostly been a game of "find my clitoris / G spot / fun zones and no, I won't give you any clues because that would be cheating." sigh.
where were you when I needed you? where are you now?
- a fan
Someone needs a reminder that the game should only be played if it's fun for everyone.
I don't really like the sound of that game… I'd much rather play Monopoly if it got to that point!
And WHO missed me?
It's all in the timing and context. I was taken by surprise when a lady I was just beginning to date whispered to me that she wanted me to "fuck her" as we started making out in my bedroom. I'd never had a girl ask me with those words before, and after I got over the surprise of it (which took all of one millisecond), it was EXTREMELY hot to me, and it was ON.
However, three months into the relationship, we were getting started with the horizontal bop after a great evening of music and dancing, and I whispered to her that I wanted to fuck her. WHAM! She instantly went from hot and willing to limp as a rag doll. Which turned me droopy as an overboiled rigatoni. She said "I thought we were more than that now." Things were never the same after that, and she broke up with me two weeks before my birthday.
So I feel your pain. YES, I thought we were MUCH more than fuck-buddies, but I didn't realize that in her mind saying "I want to fuck you" can only be done before the first bonk. Or maybe in her mind, it's okay for HER to say that, but scary/not-cool when a guy says that.
Anyway, I won't blame the break up solely on this incident, because if everything else was going great, this issue could have been discussed further to reach a mutual understanding of when it's okay and when it's not okay to say "I want to fuck your brains out, baby"
I consider myself an emotionally stable and sensitive guy who is in touch with my feelings. I think it's awesome, wonderful, and HOT when a girl is sexual, aggressive, wants to fuck my brains out, and lets me know using those exact words. And "fucking" can happen at anytime in the relationship; it's all the hotter if she says it when we've been a couple for many years. At the same time, it's also important to have the more slow/intimate/gazing/stroking/caressing type of sex too.
Variety is the spice of life, and I think that all tempos of sex are needed, especially in long-term/permanent relationships. I know it's hard to believe, but even for the horniest of couples (maybe especially for the horniest of couples?), the same routine of sex can get dull and boring. I KNOW, hard to believe, but true!
Very insightful, thanks for sharing
Gotta say "overboiled rigatoni" definitely conjures up a mental image – LOL
Thanks ToyWithMe. I'm just stretching out my literary skillz in case you ever ask a male to write for this blog. BTW, I am a big fan of this site. Need my daily hot/funny sex blog fix!
Thank you for giving your side of the story. It's nice to see what goes on in a man's head for once!
i’m normally very astute, and possess a great capacity to absorb new knowledge and assimilate it into ever-evolving paradigms.
however, i am absolutely stymied by the concept of a man turning down some raunch and filth FROM HIS OWN WIFE.
my head hurts thinking about this. it’s just all so fucked up.
I am totally with you, CP. Me, I WANT. That's hot hot hot.
Exactly! Imagine my confusion!
I love the spooning ish after sex! But recently, he's falling asleep as soon as we're done! It's like he's me and I'm him! I understand things better now. ;p
Poor R. When he married you he didn't realize he was giving up his privacy! LOL. that's what ya gets when you marry someone who has to write.
Wow. Just wow. I'm pretty sure you've just described my husband's fantasy life. Except for the cuddling. I can't let him see this or he'll start reading your blog instead of mine.
No, I could never compete with you!
But fucking is so much fun! I'm not a girly-girl either, and a self-proclaimed feminist, so I'm with you all the way on the "what do you mean I can't say fuck?!1!". Since when is getting married the end of sexy sex?
On the other hand, I can see where he's coming with wanting to cuddle (sometimes). After two years of a long distance relationship, with maybe a month in vacation time spent together, I want to fuck 'er but cuddling sounds good too.
On the other hand, neither of us really requests sex unless we're talking about fucking each other. Then the term comes out. Anything else just kind of… happens.
On the other hand, maybe he just has to get used to it. Or he wasn't horny, right then.
Now that I'm on my way to being an arachnid, I'll stop there. And because I'm just rambling. See there I go again!
(By the way, want to work on developing that Smart Ass degree with me? I'm sure you could build it in an arts program, somewhere.)
I am so there! Which small liberal arts college do you think would give us a classroom?
Evergreen College, in Washington State.
(They pride themselves on being unstructured)
Thanks for this post. I've gotten myself into trouble more than a few times with being too aggressive with what I want in bed. In fact, it worked great with my 17 year old boyfriend (he was rather happy about it, it would seem), but not so well ever since. My husband seems to be ok with this sometimes and not ok other times. I'm confused! I found the perfect guy to marry in almost all respects, but man, I wish we had more sex!
You know, the more I talk to married women about it, the more I find that, many times, it's them men who "have a headache." What is it about a ring on their finger that equals a drop in libido?
So much to say, so little time to say it.
Great article! I think it is extremely important for married couples (or any couple for that matter) to remember the relationship is the glue that holds them together and deserves work.
On next week Thursday, it will be 10 years since my man and I shared our first kiss, and we work hard to keep the spark we have alive.
Keep those lines of communication open, and don’t forget the power of foreplay in any situation!
Ps – my hubby likes the word ‘fuck’ in text messages in the middle of the day.
I spent many years married to a woman who also wasn't into touch, foreplay or cuddling, I have to say that it was pretty frustrating. Those are the times when a guy has an opportunity to show that he's interested in more than just an orgasm. That doesn't mean you have to tone down the libido (please don't!), but it does give you more options to get creative.
sadly, nothing i say to my DH induces him to do anything to me. i'm considering dynamite either as a wake up call or to terminate the entire damn thing
husbands – wake up! it's possible to have a wife who is more into sex than you are. don't force her into a life of dissatisfaction because of your pride/medication/immaturity
I'm with "sad." I married someone much older (14 years older) and now his sex drive (which was barely sufficient to begin with) has dropped to nearly zero, while I turned into a horny teenager when I hit 40.
I saw the best comment on Savage Love the other day, and I'm saving it for the right moment: "Right now, you don't desire me. It's pretty damned obvious. If you did, you would act on it. Hungry people don't have to be persuaded to eat. Be honest enough to admit it, and secure enough to cut me some slack. Or else be insecure enough to step up your game in order to keep me in your bed and your bed only — but don't resent me for it. I'm not the one who wants a monogamous sex life without actually including the sex."
Outstanding comment.
Isn't it? I wish I'd written it myself.
great paragraph – am saving it myself too!
thanks (first time i've smiled about the whole thing)
Sometimes mens feeling of desire diminish because they have diminishing testosterone in their system…something as simple as a testosterone cream can bring the sex back!
I went through something similar with the future Mr ScienceGeek. I realised that we've all got different ways of expressing/recognising love. Like, some say it with flowers, others say it with multiple orgasms, get what I mean? You figure him hanging around when you were doing a vodka-assisted re-enactment of the Exorcist was a sign of his love, he's all about 'making love'. In my limited experience, men are actually incredibly mushy when it comes to sex with women they love. Maybe it's the madonna/whore thing?
Regardless, good on you for really thinking about this, and making the effort to speak his 'language'. Trust me, you'll figure out a comfortable middle ground soon enough. You might have to do a bit more touching afterwards, but at least you'll be able to tell him to fuck you without him reacting like you've threatened to de-bone his dog!
Your husband, Nancy, needs to have his man card pulled. I'm 40 and would dearly love for my wife to crawl up on my lap and whisper "fuck me" in my ear. The ONLY response is to do just that. As for keeping up – better living through chemistry, they make Viagra, Levitra and Cialis for a fucking reason.
in no way do i want to condone cheating, but it’s this sort of thing that makes it more understandable.
what you can’t (ever) get at home you’ll (try to) get somewhere else!
IMO women are as filthy and as horny as men are, it’s just a LOT less PC for them to express it. no wonder, if when they do they are met with these kinds of reactions.
Different people have different needs (duh!).
I am so glad I found this. I have been struggling with this for a while now. A while! And I've never been able to put exact words to what I was feeling or what my partner may be feeling, and now I can. I just nearly sent this link to him (he's upstairs in his office, we talk online, we're insanely nerdy) and wanted to be all "I GET IT NOW!!!" But instead I'm just going to take your pointers here and see what happens.
My partner is nearly 10 years older than I am and at first we were going at it like jack rabbits constantly. I'd call him up and tell him I wanted to "hang out" which he knew was "get over here and fuck me and then leave me alone unless you want to fuck me again once you get your second wind." That was how I was for so long and it worked for me. Then we moved in together. Still going at it like jack rabbits. After a few months, we were going at it maybe five times a week and two days off was fine with me. Now we're at 4 1/2 years and I have been getting laid maybe three times a week. MAYBE. Of course, being the very woman-like woman, I immediately think there is something wrong with me. I've tried toys, lingerie, the old approach of ordering him to fuck me. All to no avail. And it frustrated the fuck out of me. What I didn't understand was that I have been with someone in the past who was more than 10 years older than me and who had a higher libido than I did and absolutely loved that I was always ready to go and with a nap, would be ready multiple times a day, so to say the least, I had immense confusion.
But now I get it! Ohh those sneaky men. Now. How in the hell am I going to take the slow approach, because sometimes it just kills me and I really find myself wanting to scream "Come on! Let's go! Take me now!"
It's always rewarding to hear that an article, especially written by a guest, is helpful to my readers. Taking the slow approach can be very frustrating when you're the one who is always ready to "rock n' roll" Maybe it wouldn't hurt to explore some "one on one" time with yourself and perhaps a little battery operated friend. It might lessen the tension you feel when you can't get what you are truly after. Just a thought.
My guys motto is "date dirty, marry clean" so apparently I too, was allowed at one point to be "dirty" but now have to be all miss priss!? He's getting better as I have explained I'm still the same person he started with, that like to give head in the parking lot in the car…lol
The first time I heard a woman say she wanted to fuck me I was shocked. Now I take it at face value. If i'm told they want to make love, I ask them if they are truly prepared and want to share intimacy, otherwise we can just fuck. Noting wrong with just making a sloppy mess. I do demand full intimacy from someone I love…sigh…and seldom get it.