I Want Porn For Chicks

Porn Sucks

You know what I think is stupid?

Mainstream porn.

It’s just gross.

And I know because I’ve seen it. I’ve seen a lot of fucking porn some porn because my husband is quite the aficionado. It’s not like he makes me watch it or anything, I ask for it. It’s good to have around just in case by some incredible twist of fate I have a chance to rub one out (this hasn’t happened in years! 4 to be exact), and sometimes I just can’t shut off the loser in my head who is trying to multitask  and plan errands while having Sexy Time with my husband.  The porn is good because it keeps me focused.  Also, it turns me on.

However, one thing I do not like is boy porn and that’s pretty much what my husband keeps around for his own personal use, but it’s not really what he calls “wife friendly.”

So I’ve asked him to find some wife friendly porn for me and he’s come up with a few things, but it’s still mostly boy porn.  Like, for some reason, my husband thought I might enjoy “Barely Legal Teens,” but no.  I’m old enough to be their mother for Christ sake and I just want to shout “TAKE YOUR MOUTH OFF THAT BOY’S PENIS AND COME INTO THE HOUSE, YOUNG LADY!”  I’m also not really interested in “Fuck My Gaping Asshole” or “Butthole Sluts.”

I don’t know why.

And most boy porn is boring. Who wants to watch 30 solid minutes of dick sucking? Seriously, LAND THE PLANE ALREADY, DUDE! My jaw hurts just thinking about that shit.  Sometimes I’m so bored I start little projects for myself, like I look for the actress’s boob job scar, or I check for cellulite or razor burn.

Do we even need to discuss the ridiculous titles?

I didn’t think so.

And why are the actresses so skanky?

I’m a woman (duh) so naturally, I’m going to identify with the fuck-ee and not the fuck-er, so to speak, and so I find it hard to enjoy watching some dude giving it to my daughter’s Barbie doll.

Barbie

I guess some men are into that sort of thing, but the way they make the women up is just revolting to me.  The fake hair, eyelashes, tits, tans, fingernails…everything about them is plasticized and painted within an inch of it’s life.  I don’t know about any of you, but I don’t look like that.  EVER.  Not even on Halloween. So I’m thinking I’d rather see someone who looks like a real woman, someone who looks a little more like, well,  me.

(That said, I don’t really want the girl to be wearing a nursing bra and cotton maternity panties from Old Navy, which is sometimes what I wind up wearing to bed on those Very Special Evenings. I know.  I need to go shopping. Wicked bad.)

And don’t even get me started on the poor chick whose face looks like a few miles of bad road, and she’s being railed so hard in every orifice by multiple people all at the same time that SHE’S CRYING.  For some reason, the last thing I want when I’m fucking my husband (or myself)  is to have the feminist inside of me  blowing her rape whistle. Maybe I’m a prude, but I don’t like seeing women brutalized by fat trolls and speaking of fat trolls why are most of the men in these films fat trolls?

EW!

AS!

IF!

I want to fuck …Ken

Monster

 

Thank goodness they haven’t invented smellovision yet because I bet they’re stinky, too.

And I understand that I’m talking about porn made for men and so who cares what the fuck-er looks like, but still.  Even straight guys must get a little grossed out, right?

I would think so.

I think this is why so many women like gay porn. The gays have a higher, more refined aesthetic and so the dudes are just way better looking and I can actually imagine myself wanting to fuck them.  Also, the more dicks at the party the better.  Amiright?  Fist bump, Ladies!

Very nice.

And speaking of wanting to fuck, how about a little more romance, please? Oh god, but not too much. I don’t need miles of plot before we get to the good stuff, but the ol’, plumber came to fix the leaky pipes ruse and then WHOOPS! His dick fell into her mouth is a little far fetched and stupid for me?  I’m thinking something more along the lines of Jane Austen meets … I don’t even know what.  Just something.

And since we’re going for more romance and less sleeze, I like pretty sets.  It makes a huge difference when the set is posh. I’m not into the dirty motel mattress with a bedspread on it from 1992 like I see in boy porn. I once saw a porn scene shot on a white wicker twin size bed with a pink, frilly bedspread on it. It was clearly a little girl’s bedroom set and that so does not fly with me.

But am I just a cranky pants? Do other women have these problems?

After a rather validating conversation with my friend Melissa Lion, and then some of my other hot girlfriends, I realized I’m not alone in my porn needs.  I could write a whole book based on my friend Rachel’s diatribe about porn background music alone! And since women watching and enjoying porn is not so taboo anymore (thank you feminism!), there must be some porn out there just for us ladies, or at least, something that doesn’t make us puke.

 

About The Queen Of Everything

Comments

  1. Yeah. All of that PLUS… I HATE HATE HATE the fake moaning/screaming/whatever noises. You can only hear “Oy Poppy” in that squealy little whine so many times before you want to drop kick a chihuahua at the screen! We all know what it sounds like when it’s real. At least TRY to get there with some semblance of accuracy! And that squeaky “yes. yes. oh yes” that they get when they are clearly numb after 30 minutes of all orifices being relentlessly pounded? Yeah. I can do without that sound too.

    Worst porn ever? Ok at least one of the funniest… it was called “Betty Blue Jeans” or something like that. Some chick in short daisy dukes was getting it on and her WIGS, yes – her artificial hair pieces, were narrating.

  2. You are brilliant. I TOTALLY fist-bump you. And I would really like to see wigs talking…is that wrong?

  3. I want to see the talking wigs, too!

  4. I was hoping you were going to volunteer for a staring role. Or at least a camel toe, I mean cameo. My hopes are now dashed and I will be sad all day. Maybe I’ll stop at the video store on the way home to cheer myself up.

  5. Have you tried foreign porn? I have heard that French porn is fantastic… pretty, sometimes artsy, and not gross.

  6. I don’t mind porn so much for entertainment.. but it doesn’t do anything for me sexually. Maybe I should jump on the making woman- porn bandwagon. Not to be in them… to be behind them.. on camera. That sounds bad. You know what I mean. ??

  7. i was JUST talking to a gf about this! about how there should be WAY more girl-oriented porn. the parts *i* like about porn are like .005% of the actual porn. i tend to watch girl-on-girl porn because at least they’re doing things to each other that i’d want someone to do to me (uh, parts of it anyway). i want girl porn with a whole shitload of boob-sucking and foreplay and less ramming-of-fists-up-places, you know?

  8. i am really stoked for this project! there’s nothing i like more than popping a disc in the player and watching my wife (possibly) get all worked up.

    authenticity is really the bottom line for me.

    ps wtf happened to your formatting??

  9. And I thought my wife was alone in her interest in gay porn. I’ll have to let her know it is not as odd as she thought.

    Great Post!

  10. sorry, back again, but i just had to say: i clicked on that porn shopping link and OH MY GOD I LOVE IT. i have never been tempted to buy porn before right now, and now i sort of want like 8 of those movies.

  11. Oooh, I really like the Crash Pad series and I like I Shot Myself. But yes, we are still waiting for our Jane Austen porn, are we not?

  12. Im a man and i totally agree with you! I HATE the fake porn stars, the huge fake boobs, the tans and all the makeup. I like the natural boobs that have some sag to them, the vagina that might not be the most perfect, the girls that actually ARE wet and halfway turned on, the older moms that know what they are doing and know what they want, and i hate all the fake screaming and moaning (one can tell if its real or not). I normally gravitate towards the amatuer porn made by people like you and me in their bedrooms. The lighting might not be perfect and you take a chance of seeing someone that might not be that easy on the eyes but for the most part, its a huge turn on because it COULD be any of us and its real.

  13. I want porn where the girl doesn’t have to fake an orgasm. Like CP said “authenticity” is key. Maybe we need more female producers (pun not intended).

    Women it’s time we made ourselves recognized as a viable market!

  14. I honestly made a movie and even amatuer edited it. Guess what? It was my girlfriends idea and she basically produced the entire thing (im an artist and photographer so i helped with the cinematography and a few ideas). It came out really good and i wish i could show it off!
    It does have a few boy porn things in it, but she kinda liked some of the naughty stuff so shes probably not like most women. But its also very erotic and almost artistic in some ways.

  15. I was going to comment earlier, but didn’t want to be the first…I like girly porn. By girly, I mean, I don’t like to watch all the sucking and underneath ball shots. I think girls know what girls want and it’s nicer. Sometimes it’s stupid because you have all that yelling and cussing and stuff, but then there’s always the mute button. The husband knows I like the girl on girl stuff, so occasionally I’ll find a disk missing, or he’ll send me a link to something new. It’s very nice.

  16. I like gay porn on occasion too. You should check out pornotube, youporn, and pornhub. The positives – it’s free so you can look around for stuff you like, the negatives usually they are clips and not entire movies – like 2-5 minute clips. I can usually find something I like on those…and usually I end up watching something more amateur without the actual porn stars…just regular people…then it’s not so bad.

  17. Crissy, YOU HIT THE BULL ON THE HEAD [is that the term?] TO WHY I DON’T LIKE PORN! The women don’t like anything like me… AT ALL! I would totally be okay with DH jerking his wee to a NORMAL housewife. Not Pamela Anderson.

  18. Alice – You can “come” as often as you like!

    Curly – Oh La La – sounds sexsay ;)

  19. Good porn guide link, Crissy.

    I just can’t get into watching porn with another person in the room.

    And I’ll let you draw your own conclusions when I say that Mr. ExMan used to like to watch professional wrestling whilst doing the deed.

  20. I just knew this was a big issue! That’s it. It’s decided. I’m going to become a pornographer.

    WHO WANTS TO HELP?

  21. Crissy, im IN! As long as i can use a fake name. :)

  22. I’ve never really been a massive porn fan but .. . . perhaps the precise reason for that is because it is so aimed at men, like you say! This has given me a lot to think about, thanks….

  23. hmm. i’m torn.

    of course, i want to be a porn star, but i’d also like to do the photography.

    i suppose i COULD strap up a rig and do a 1st person gonzo flick…

  24. Nay, nay my friend. We’re gonna hire people to do all that. We’ll just be the directors and shit.

    It’s gonna be FUN!

  25. There’s the pictures! Hooray Toy with Me! We fixed it!

  26. All fixed up! Sorry it took so long.

    CP – I would looove to help as a camera girl ;)

  27. I’d love to help, but I have a case of the preggers. Not sure how sexy I could be while feeling all huge.

  28. When I was pregnant, I wanted to see pregnant porn! There’s a job for you Cortney!

  29. I have photographed many pregnant women. That is a very beautiful time. And yes, even the porn is hot sometimes! :)

  30. Crissy – I always wondered who the hell watched pregnant porn, why I am not surprised that you did?

  31. Yay! Pretty sure the husband will be cool with it. He showed me one not long ago…it was interesting, but the whole time I kept thinking “Oh! Don’t bang her so hard! You’re gonna hurt the baby!” You know, that has me curious now, wonder if they do preggo on preggo porn?

  32. Oh yeah they do. I have seen it on more than one occasion. Its not my fave but its not bad. And yeah, something about slamming it so hard kinda freaks me out too. lol

  33. Ha…should have known…I think it’s pretty much a given that anything you can come up with, they have porn for. I stopped using my husband’s computer for that sole reason. He made a game out of looking for weird freaky crap. I didn’t open it, but there was a file called “Scary Circus Clown Sex”. I fear that one day someone will steal his laptop or, for whatever reason, it will be confiscated…he’d have some serious explaining to do. I keep mine clean and use the free sites.

  34. miss buttkiss says:

    I now look forward to Wednesday just to read Crissy’s stuff.

  35. I have no idea what the name of the movie was but there was some sort of porn that my husband used to own (VCR’s are extinct now). Anyway, some girl had gotten an inheritance, and she traveled to Europe to check out the property. She got in late so she went straight to bed, on her morning walk, she found the groundskeeper watering his garden (he had a small cottage on the same property) completely naked and his dangly bits was hard. She got excited, but just watched him….I think he knew she was watching so he sort of turned a bit to give her a better view.

    Anyway, someone else who lives on the property and takes care of things warns her about his nudity and she gushes on about hothouse cucumbers or some other vegetable.

    Of course they end up having sex and she leaves to go back home. All I really remember is at the end she’s staring out of the window of her chauffeur driven car with a blank look on her face singing “I know a man named Bill McFannigan, he wears a hair on his chin again…..”

    Strange….but better than just plain porn.

  36. Hahaha
    Bill McFannigan.
    I wish watering your garden naked was legal. Sounds like fun!

  37. Curly – Where I live it’s legal to water my garden topless ;)

  38. Any houses for sale nearby?
    :)

    You can call me Mr. McFannigan
    hehe

  39. I think we should start working on the outline script for this porno.
    Overall plot ideas?
    anyone?

    :)

  40. Most hysterical porn ever… John Bobbitt, Uncut. ROFLMAO Yes, it really exists, and yes, it is just as funny as it sounds.

  41. Well Mr. McFannigan there is no time for moving right now, it appears we have a porno to make.

  42. How about a woman that is a sex addict and what she really wants is to have sex with her therapist but he denies her over and over again. The movie can be her erotic and crazy/kinky escapades until the very end when he finally gives it up.

  43. did someone say watering the lawn naked???

    http://www.ken-gilbert.com/images/misc/nakedken.jpg

  44. Hehe…this sounds great.

    Perhaps we can work in the best parts of the first movie I ever watched, Kitty’s Kat House’, (think reality TV meets bad porn.) Only ours will be way, way cooler!

  45. I haven’t really thought about it lately, because I haven’t dated a guy in forever who thought it was hot for a girl to watch porn. Dull, I know. But when I was a young, innocent college freshman (and virgin), my roommate could not BELIEVE I had never seen a penis. (She went to Catholic school, so obviously she’d seen them on the schoolbus in sixth grade…) So we went to the local porn store so she could show me one, but there was no girl porn. There was only boy porn, and we weren’t so interested, so we bought Playgirl. I totally agree about the sleaze factor. There’s got to be a happy middle ground here.

  46. Please nobody click on my husband’s link. I cannot believe he did that.

  47. I clicked on your husbands link and I’m scarred for life. He has much better legs and bottom than I do. Life isn’t fair.

  48. He’s always showing everyone that picture! He’s so proud of himself! You should see him prance around our house like a show pony.

  49. Oh, come on! Boy Porn is pretty wicked awesome! The problem with plot is that it is unrealistic when it has anything to do with sex. Sex almost never has a plot. I meet you in a nightclub. Later we fuck. That’s the whole plot. We may as well be poolboy and sunbather or deliveryman and housewife. If you’re married, there’s no more plot: you’re horny, so you fuck. That’s what porn is about. Sure, you could make up some back story about how the Russian mob has taken out contracts on both people’s lives and you could have them saved in the nick of time by Scruffy, their faithful doberman. But unless Scruffy gets fucked, that’s filler in porn. That’s why DVD players have fast forward buttons. If you really want to make it more interesting, you don’t need a plot. Just throw a granny and an amputee into the mix.

    And go ahead and try making up a realistic plot for a bukkake or a gangbang flick: they invited only men to their wedding, but when the cake doesn’t arrive, she realizes that she’ll have to be the dessert; luckily, her new husband likes his brides with frosting.

    And you are all full of shit when you say you want people who look like real people in your porn, since you obviously don’t feel that way about any other visual entertainment you watch. Movies, TV shows, videogames, magazines, they all star nobody but Beautiful People. Even Crissy complains about the dudes in porn because they look like more than half of the dude I see when I go into any bar. Why do some porn actresses look so skanky? Because they’re skanks! I heart skanks almost as much as grannies and amputees.

    I’m just saying, girl porn could be excellent, but the fucking had better be good and a hairy armless dwarf never made any movie worse.

    CP: That. Pic. Was. Awesome!

  50. Ha…I clicked on the link before reading through the rest of the comments…talk about a surprise! He does have nice legs though. It’s no wonder he likes to show them off. Do we have a plot for the porn yet?

  51. try to find lesbian porn that’s NOT boyporn!!! it’s virtually IMPOSSIBLE- and as a bisexual woman who a)enjoys “playing solitaire” and b)enjoys porn with hubs, I likes the girl-on-girl…. but girl-on-girl when the girls are OBVIOUSLY doing it for the pleasure of MEN… not so all teh hot! Even my husband finds it skeezy and would prefer something a little more natural… and please for the love of all that’s (un)holy- enough with the anal sex!! I don’t want to see someone’s poo hole hammered!

    And would it be too much to ask for less dick sucking and more rug munching??? Am I just too picky??? lol or maybe I just watch too much porn??!! :P

  52. I realized that the fat guys are in mainstream porn because straight men can ignore them and focus on the hot chicks. If there are are hot guys in the porn, straight men may feel attracted and question their straightness.

  53. CP: no one said anything about watering the lawn naked. BUTT, your ass is awsome!

  54. I think I need stoogie on my porn team.

  55. One thing that DOES make a porno “appear” better visually is a fairly large penis. Not the huge ones or scary long ones (although that is interesting), but i dont want to see a tiny or average penis. Its gotta have some girth and be able to fill the gap. And im a straight man!

  56. wifey: need i remind everyone who TOOK that picture??

    lisavol: rebecca, curly and toywithme ALL said something about watering the lawn naked!! (well, to be precise, rebecca said something about watering a GARDEN naked, but the other two said LAWN.)

    ok, so stoogepie makes a couple of good points, unsurprisingly. porn is about fantasy. you might say that some porn is more documentary in nature, but underneath it all is the reality that it is UNreal.

    and that’s why we like it. reality, most of the time, for most of us, is mundane.

    what i’m seeing/hearing here is that the _degree of unreality_ is a fine line: the goal is to place the carrot just out of reach, but not too far. the actors should be attractive enough to make us want to fuck them, but not be so plastic that they seem unattainable and foreign and bizarre.

    to a degree, arguing that skanks shouldn’t be in porn and then arguing for more realism are not consistent… skanks ARE realistic, and for a lot of men, very sexy and fuckable. why? because 1) it’s a fantasy, and you don’t get stds in a fantasy, and 2) because skanks will do anything and ask for more. epic win!

    that’s just the CASTING stage.

    as far as the content, i think more shots of cunnilingus would be a no-brainer for woman-friendly.

    due to the fact that the vast majority of porn consumers are males aged 12-70, that’s what the market caters to. however, i do not think that precludes identifying an emerging opportunity to cash in on more woman-friendly niches.

    one key difference should be kept in mind: men are much more visually stimulated than women are. hence you show a guy a shot of girl getting hammered, he pops a hard on. show a woman the same picture, and she wonders about everything ELSE but the fucking… like how did she get there, how does she feel, whether or not they’d ever do the same thing in the same way with the same guy, etc. since the market for PORNO is GRAPHIC in nature this is a significant obstacle to true woman-porn. how does one convey safety, attention, security, wealth, fidelity–all those buzz words that REALLY get the majority of women IN THE MOOD to get their panties wet??

  57. stoogepie, you speak the gospel.

  58. I just wanna just pretty girls

  59. C.P. Nice Hose! Shit, did I say that out loud? Filter Sandy Filter.

  60. One time, me + 2 lesbians + 3 other assorted college friends went out on a Porn Mission (PM for those in the government sector). I don’t remember why now, and I totally just called one of the people who was a part of said mission and was like, “Dude, WHY did we want porn so bad?” and I think it had something to do with being wildly fucking drunk. Anyway, there was a 3 for the price of 2 deal on the rental, so we rented 3. That’s 9 hours of porn. NINE. At about hour two, we started looking for the “sag” marks that show a really bad boob job, and at hour four, we all fell asleep. We restarted it again at hour 7 in the morning (we paid, we wanted our money’s worth!) and had a lovely brunch to the “ugh! nugh! Oh yeah! Do it baby!” in the background for another two hours.
    On the plus side, when you find “genre” porn, like “The 69th Sense” it’s pretty entertaining, even if it isn’t arousing, per se.

  61. desperately seeking libido says:

    I once was watching a porn with my husband and a Beavis and Butthead pillow was in the background. It’s all I could focus on. Clearly, boy porn.

  62. That the ladies aren’t visually stimulated? I don’t agree at all. The visual that I am looking for is not to necessarily to be tossed onto the bed and “hammered” so much as be seduced or “opened up slowly”. Most if not all of the boy porn I’ve looked at is just about that alternate — get down to business – she’s always hot and ready and open for business. I don’t always relate, just sometimes.

    I think part of the “problem” is that chick porn has been expressed in literary terms rather than cinematic. Maybe its been safer that way – for a girl to settle down with a “nice book” – so its been hidden porn so to speak?? It usually means I have to fill in the visuals in with imagination/translation from the erotic or semi-erotic that I read.

    Having the hotness of Sookie and Bill, or Anias Nin’s vignettes in actual visual terms would totally do it for me. And for my older mom – the guilty pleasure that swooning housewives in the late 60/70s had with someone like Barnabas Collins – in a more fulfilled an “graphic” way rather than the “innuendo that followed” would be a major score.

  63. Thank you! I am a man and hate male centered mainstream porn too. I feel Nica Noelle makes some good movies (both straight and lesbians).

  64. http://theromanceseries.com/ for all your romantic porn, gee i can watch this with my wife, hey this is actually damn good for guys too type of porn…

  65. I accidentally came across this site while I was looking for some “Nice Porn” for my wife. But it’s obvious that so many here are just masquerading as being nice when in reality they are just your everyday Raincoat wearing freaks who will do anything to see Porn.(Just look at them crawl & suck up to seem nice in their replies)
    You can tone it down all you like Boys & you can even make out you are girls, but I can still see through your deceptions & it’s people like you that make Porn so devious..

    Back on Topic: As for “Nice Porn” I don’t think it exists. For a start you would have to be a little bent & a little devious to do it & then spread it around the world in the first place.
    Simple fact is “That Nice Girls don’t do porn” so stop fooling yourselves.
    If you think different then you are in Denial.

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