The Top Six Types Of Lousy Lovers

When I first heard about sex, I decided that once I started having it, I never wanted to stop. And that was pretty awesome…until I met my first lousy lover. Which was followed by my second and third and, well, you get the idea. Of course, no one is born knowing all of the tricks and not everyone can instantly match each other in the sack very well. If that were the case, there wouldn’t be a market for sex tips and advice columns, or Cosmo’s recycled articles about how to please Your Man in bed.

Through the magic of Twitter, I have compiled a list of the worst type of (male) lovers. Because I do not have sex with The Womens, I can’t vouch for what makes us lousy lovers.

The Jackrabbit

The JackrabbitShockingly, I’ve seen rabbits have sex, and not because I wanted to (not into the whole “bestiality” thing, myself) and it’s not hot when they do it. It also doesn’t look particularly pleasant for the female. She looks rather embarrassed and ashamed at the same time, almost like “how did I get myself into this situation?” The look on that rabbit’s face pretty much sums up how it feels to be underneath the guy who seems to think that he’s a) trying to break a speed-humping record or b) hammering nails into your vagina. Gentlemen, we all enjoy an impassioned boning session, but a human vagina is not designed for such endeavors to be pleasurable. If you want to jerk off, go into the bathroom, not into us.

The Leg Humper

The leg humperNow there was a time in the not-so-distant past where dry-humping was the best sort of action we could hope for. I do remember many a “movie night” spent on a couch, where we actually dry-humped our way through such arousing titles as Amadeus and A Farewell to Arms. And oh, did we think we were grown-up or what? Actually, it wasn’t half-bad, if I remember correctly, at age thirteen, I mean, the dry-humping was actually pretty fun. Once penetration was actually achieved, though, dry-humping was sort of left in our early teens for something a bit more titillating. Like, really, anything. Not everyone left dry-humping in our teen years, though. There are plenty of men out there who, rather than strap on a rubber and enjoy a good old fashioned romp in the hay, would actually prefer to come in their pants. I have no idea why. No, really, I don’t. A wet spot is bad enough, but come on my leg on purpose? Thanks, but no.

The Minute-Man

The minute manNow, put down the pitchforks, guys, because I get it. It happens and trust me, I find it flattering…most of the time. If I’ve turned you on so much that you can’t last more than twenty seconds? I’m clearly doing something right. But if every single time that we get butt-naked, you can’t manage to get past thrust number four, we need to do some serious talking. I can be very, very understanding, but I can also be very, very frustrated.

The Selfish Lover

The selfish loverAfter a good orgasm, it’s pretty awesome to just roll over, maybe light up a cigarette and go to sleep, isn’t it? The endorphin rush is intense and nothing leaves me happier than The Big O, except for maybe a nap and a cheeseburger after the Big O. But sometimes The Big O is an elusive beast, especially if there hasn’t been proper foreplay or perhaps if the sex didn’t last very long. It’s times like these when you can run into the Selfish Lover. You’ll know one because he’ll say such things as (this is a direct quote from an anonymous Twitter source): “Women are equal? Just go ahead and get yourself off then.” And then leave. Or maybe roll over and go to sleep without a word. Either way the end result is the same: they get off, you do not, you want to, they do not care. Selfish Lovers can be combined with any other variation of lousy lover.

The ‘Won’t Politely Take No For An Answer’ Lover

Won't take no for an answerMan, it sucks when you’re all fired up and ready to go and the person you’re with shoots you down. Sure, I have a vagina, but it’s happened to me before too and I know it sucks. Rubbing your penis on your partner’s leg whining, “but I waaaant to have sex,” though, isn’t the appropriate way to handle the frustration of the situation, no matter how you may want to. It’s not cute, it’s not dignified, and least of all, it’s not erotic. It has never made me want to then whip off my pants and say “well, when you put it THAT way, I’m all about it!” It’s normally made any chance of sex later on a no-go, because way to really care about how I feel about the situation and make me feel like it matters which orifice you stick your dick into. So long as you get what you want, we’re all good, right? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

The Lazy Lover

The lazy loverCharacteristics of The Lazy Lover include an unwillingness to do anything other than be pleasured by you. They don’t believe in foreplay. They don’t particularly care if you enjoy yourself, because really, it’s all about them. The Lazy Lover is lazy throughout the whole experience but may turn into the Selfish Lover at the end, should you not manage to achieve The Big O by yourself. Rather than climb on top of you or spin you around, they’d rather you mount their bologna pony and ride the boner express until they’re done. Then, it’s over! Buh-bye.

Now, I’m sure you men have all kinds of generalizations of terrible types of lousy LADY lovers (just like you gays do, too) and you ladies have other types of lovers that I’ve missed and I’m dying to hear them. So, lay it on me. Bring it, Toy With Me-ers! I’m anxious to have a good laugh over what you come up with. Because we’ve all been there, and we’ve all performed badly in the bedroom before. It’s the way it happens sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that. Especially if you don’t hump my leg.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. Ahh, the leg humper. How it could possibly feel good to try to rub at my upper thigh through two layers of thick denim will always be beyond me. Zippers don’t feel good. Stop punishing me with them.

  2. I’m so sad that I didn’t see “Pillow Princess” used here even once. It falls into the lazy lover, but it’s one of my favourite terms

    Thanks so much for giving me a good laugh this morning. I REALLY REALLY needed it. :D

  3. How about the guy who’s so indecisive he can’t pick a position and stick with it long enough to accomplish anything? I’m all for moong around and trying new angles, but it loses appeal if he wants to change at every 2 minutes right as I’m enjoying myself.

  4. UUUUgh! The “One Trick Pony” as my friends and I called them. The guys who had one go to move. Always reverted to that same move. Sure, we liked it the first three times, but damn boy, read a book, listen to what our bodies are telling you, listen to what WE are telling you, follow where our hands are guiding you. Whatever! Everything gets boring at some point!

    And yes, dry humping got old fast!

  5. I know there is something to be said for the inexperienced lover who you can mold just so.

    It is not so good when you are both inexperienced.

  6. HILARIOUS! I think I know someone that is all 6 of those!

  7. Ah! A terrific post. My first time was awesome. I was luck like that. What about the silent lovers? The men who don’t make a single noise? I like to hear my man moan too….it turns me on…and I know too that the sex is amazing…I can’t be staring in a blank face while my face is contorted with all kind of expressions…pleasurable of course…

    C’mon you guys make some noise…it’s like instant feedback…;d

  8. I am suddenly less nervous than I was about this post. YOU GUYS TOTALLY GET IT. I love you.

    And yeah, guys? Come on and SPEAK UP. We do like to hear you moan some!

  9. How is it possible I fit into all 6 categories, simultaneously. Son of a . . . !

    Bad women lovers?
    The “pencil sharpener”
    The “bored board”
    The “Critic,” and related, the “Instructor” – communication is key; bitching and lecturing is not a good form of communication when you are both naked.
    The “good girl” – hey, naughty is VERY nice . . .

  10. As if I didn’t love you enough before this, the first 2 pictures just made me love you even more.

  11. HA! Love it! Sad i know so many in each category!

  12. I’ve slept with every single one of ‘those guys’ on multiple occasions. lolol Super funny read…
    My whole take on bad sex is…after the dude is done with his nonsense I’ll leave the situation (either go into the bathroom or run quickly to my car if it’s not a ‘Harlot’s House’ date) and masturbate as loud as possible. lol…if he can’t get me off (which with all of those guys is obviously the case) I’ll just do it my damn self ;) no harm, no foul…but definitely no repeat performances.

  13. I really think the pictures are the best thing about this. Hilarious!

  14. Let us not forget the, ‘I know what you are going to do, before you even do it’. I WAS married to one of those. Not fun at all. Sadly we call all relate to one or more of the aboved mention. *sigh*

  15. Kevin,

    Made me laugh. You forgot the dead fish and the washing machine.

  16. The Leg- humper and minute man totally takes me back to High School. I so do not miss that time in my life. Although married sex is not as often as single sex, I would not trade it for anything. Well, not really. ;)

  17. Bwahahaha! Jack, Kevin, ELABORATE NOW. I must know more.

  18. I’m pretty sure I’ve a)been a few of these lovers at least once and DEF. had all these lovers!

    I think my least fave is The Tease. Yes, men do it too! Get you all cranked up talking hot then just…Nothing. Whoa?! Really?! Tres NOT COOL.

    And Jack, Kev….Seriously, what Aunt Becky said…elaborate!

  19. The worst has to be the minute man. I have had some pretty bad experiences, and I understand that yes, it happens. HOWEVER the certain fellow I’m talking about,, we’ll call him Caesar (cause that’s his name lmao) was the worst. This wasn’t the occasional premature ejaculation. It was every single time! He would cum before I even touched him in some cases. I recall a time when I was going to perform oral on him and I kid you not, the instant he felt my breath he came!!! Worst ever of all time in the world in the entire history of sex. Hands down lol

  20. What about “Sloppy Sal”. You know the one that licks all around but never hits the spot (er? That is my belly button, not my clit you dumb ass).

  21. OMG Pillow Princess, I love it! Not going to lie that probably applies to me sometimes. I think I’m the only bitch on the planet that prefers to be on bottom haha.

  22. What about the “I have an incredibly small penis” and must make up for it anyway I possibly can? This happened to me twice, with brothers, different times….oh, but why didn’t I learn from the first brother? Blinded by their good looks, me thinks…now they are both in their later 30′s early 40′s and have never been married, or had long term girlfriends…I wonder why?

  23. The micropenis itself can be managed. It’s the attitude that cannot.

  24. I went to college with a couple who had a sex life as follows:
    She wore panties, he wore boxers AND A CONDOM, they dry humped until he came. FOR SIX YEARS.
    They’re now married, and having a baby soon, so I assume they managed penetration at least once.

  25. Ah yes, and I have also had the displeasure of Mr. Whatisaclitandwhatdoidowithit He’s blocked in my address book, but they have a large family and I believe they procreate faster then Mr. Ihaveintimateknowledgeoftheclit.

  26. My ex husband definitely wins in the lousy lovers category. It was ALL ABOUT HEAD. ALL.THE.TIME. Me giving it to him, too. Never the other way around. Worst part is…he didn’t do any “maintenance” either. Just was a lazy SOB and decided that that’s the way it should be.
    Yeah. That marriage didn’t last long. Biggest mistake OF MY LIFE.

  27. I met a “won’t take no” guy once, who decided to convince me by going downtown. Except he had so much stubble and so few skills that. . . um . . OUCH.

  28. Loved them all….funny stuff

  29. I always wondered about the guys that thought jamming a finger up in you was supposed to feel good. And I’ve had the experience with the minute man as well. Ego booster the first time. Mood squasher when it continues.

  30. This is a great post. I love the pictures you’ve chosen. We’ve all had bad lovers who fit these categories, and more. It sure brings back old memories and laughs at the same time.
    I love your site by the way;) Awesome:)
    Hope I win the basket of goodies. I’m so excited:)

  31. Aunt Becky – the micropenis cannot be managed.

    There’s nothing to manage. If you ever say, “I want you inside of me” and he responds, “I am.”

    You’re…oh, you’re not even fucked.

  32. Great article, as usual, Aunt Becky. I definitely laughed (with unfond memories to back up the lousy lover types). I have one to add- What about Mr. Thinksyou’reApornstar…. he’s always fun…. NOT. I’m all for a good adventure and pretty open-minded, but come on, it’s not my JOB buddy. It’s supposed to be an outlet, relaxing even. If it’s that much work, I’ll just get myself off, thanks.

  33. This was hilarious! Not that he’s a minute man all the time- because that might be grounds for divorce- but sometimes dh is, especially when he’s had a really long day. So, the other night, I was getting out of the shower and before I got dressed, I yelled in at him to ask if we were going to have sex. B/c I didn’t want to get dressed, then undressed, then redressed for 20 seconds of love. But, if I was already naked, it was okay.

  34. This was hilarious!!! The minute man…OMG!!! Wait a minute…oh that’s right, he can’t. I used to be flattered also. Yeah, that lasted about a minute.

  35. The comment about “Mr. Thinksyou’reApornstar” gave me a high school flashback to “Mr. Only Learned About Sex From Porn” – he would try to tongue kiss, but only outside of his mouth – he would basically lick my face! Didn’t want to go any further with him because I was afraid of what else he thought sex would be!

  36. Kevin and Jack cracked me up!!!

    Leg humping? I can’t believe (grown up) guys actually do that! I would lose my cookies if I ever had an experience with leg humping! Too funny!

  37. I can think of guys that fit into every one of these categories, some in more than one!

    And how about the guys who take forever to finish? Giving them head for ages and ages and they’re not even close, to the point you have to stop because your jaw hurts so much. Too used to their own hand to appreciate something much better!

  38. Oh GOD! The too long guys. There is a way around it though. Abstain, and make them abstain from pleasuring themselves. I swear to God they are holding back on purpose though, you can feel it when they tense up. That is when you have to get tough on them and say if they hold back again that you will stop.

  39. OMG I can’t stand the Lazy Lover! It’s like I am ALWAYS the one not only initiating the sex and foreplay, but also doing all the work! This was a hilarious and somewhat accurate article! Keep up the postings!

  40. this is awesome!

    the jackrabbit is often a bad kisser – you can usually spot him before you even get to jackrabbit. and there’s nothing worse, as we get older, finding someone you really like who just isn’t that good in bed but they think they are. yeah. bummer. or you really like them and the majority of your dildos are bigger. shoot.

  41. I’ll have to come back and read the comments thoroughly as I am sure there are some doozies.

    I had my Thigh Rapist and I’ve heard about the Two Pump Chump.

  42. Ah yes, the lousy lovers. I’ve had the two-pump-chump and the can’t get off guy, but I don’t think there is anything more frustrating then the Whiskey dick, or I smoked too much pot in my youth and can’t get it hard guy.

    Because really, get it hard and fuck me already. When you have to make a splint to keep his dick straight to get off, it’s just too much work.

  43. Ah, I had a MrThinksyou’reApornstar in my past. He was no fun at all but it’s a hell of a lot of fun to look back and laugh at him.

  44. you nailed it! (kinda proud of that pun.) and the pics are priceless.

    i’m going to add cell phone guy. don’t wanna hear it, see it, or know you have one while i’m at it. and i certainly don’t wanna wait and lose my fluff while you take a call.

  45. How about the nipple tweaker? You know, the guy who thinks nipples are meant to be manipulated like a radio dial and considers that his best effort at foreplay. Better known as a cross between the Selfish Lover & the Lazy Lover.

  46. The guy who rams his tongue down your throat first thing. OMG it’s like making out with an eel!

  47. I somehow once managed to find the “whiny” lover. “Let’s cuddle” is great, but “let’s cuddle for the next six hours, and don’t get up or leave me because I’m totally insecure” is more than one girl can handle at a stretch. Even a girl like me!

  48. Not My Real Name says:

    How about the “I’m a professional in real life but when I get you into bed I want to replay every bondage porn I have ever seen because that’s really what girls want” guy. Why, oh why, do I keep saying this here, yes, love getting my ass slapped, pull my hair, make me cum. But I’m really really not into that much pain and unlike the girls who enjoy this type of thing I am NOT GETTING PAID to pretend your any good at it.

    As for the micropenis I could be married and living in a huge house right now to a very rich rich man but there was no way, absolutely no way, I could pretend to enjoy that nothingness for the rest of my life.

  49. *phew*

  50. Is someone going to be all about what lousy women lovers are like? Because I know we’re just as guilty.

  51. With Tricia. Oh yeah, sister. Or does that just happen to me??

    How about Sandpaper guy, who can’t be bothered with foreplay? I guess this falls into Lazy Lover. But guys? Dry fingers do not feel any better than dry sex. Believe in the power of lube. Seriously.

  52. Shit. There goes ANY chance of me getting laid. EVER.

  53. I just broke up with Shy Guy, who was a cross between Boring & Lazy, but with a soucon of insecure. Ugg. No/low lights, no talk, nothing to built the anticipation if there was even a glimmer of a chance that someone might see/hear. Nothing that might remind him of a porn film and cause him to feel more insecure.

    Sad thing was, he was great when he was out of his big head and into his little one.

  54. I hate “guy who tries out as many positions as possible” (although that may also be “watches too much porn” guy. As soon as you start to get in a groove he flips you around and tries something new, it’s exhausting!

    But in the worst sexual experience I had, the P didn’t even make it into the V. I was engaged in a drunken makeout sesh on my couch with this guy after a first date. I had no intention of sleeping with him (but HE didn’t know that!) and after about 30 minutes of dry humping, he whips it out and starts spanking! Mr. Self-Lover whacked off to my semi-nude body then came all over my belly. I immediately sat up and gave him a big hug, rubbing the cum all over his imitation Ed Hardy tee and whispered in his ear “get out!”

  55. I frequently refer to the “jackrabbit” lover as the “jackHAMMER”. Had one once. Wouldn’t recommend it.

  56. Plantagenet says:

    I hate doggy sex.
    You know, where I have to sit up and beg, and you roll over and play dead!

  57. I’m going to take a shot at the female equivalents (in other words, what myself and my friends have been guilty of!)

    Rough lady – i.e. either getting carried away and not being gentle enough with the goods, or being too inexperienced to treat them properly. Might be what Kevin’s referring to when he’s talking about the pencil sharpener (Um, yeah, I’ve done that. Sorry guys).

    The Dead Fish – when they’re clearly just lying back and thinking of England. (Not guilty!)

    ‘Princess Entitlement’ – Because the Selfish lover comes in a female variety too. The only difference is the focus on ‘romance’. IS there any such thing as ‘romantic sex’? I’m all about ‘making love’, but let’s be realistic here – sex involves way too many strange expressions and weirdly jiggling body parts to allow much room for romance.

    ‘Validate me!’ – nothing kills the mood (and probably the hard on) like a constant need for compliments or endless apologies regarding your appearance (luckily, I never suffered that, thanks to the brutal honesty of a male friend ‘You’re naked, you’re willing to have sex with us, you’re the hottest woman on the planet’)

    Any more ideas?

  58. Aunt Becky & I laughed and cried reading everyone’s comments. There were quite a few we wanted to win. We finally managed to pick a winner though.

    Congratulations goes to Miss Grace – If only Bristol Palin had done this!

    Thanks everyone for the fabulous entertainment :)

Speak Your Mind

*