A friend of mine asked me a really interesting question the other day.
He said to me, “Crissy, have you ever written anything about dudes who masturbate with like, pocket pussies and fleshlights and stuff because I feel like there’s a double standard.”
And I was all, “huh?” and my one Scooby-doo ear went up because that’s what happens sometimes when I hear something that does not compute or whenever I’m stoned. Either one. (Mom, I DO NOT smoke pot. I’m only kidding.)
And he was all “well it’s like if a dude fucks a pocket pussy or whatever, he’s kind of a pervert, but a woman can shove all kinds of stuff into every orifice and it’s totally hot and people actually pay to see them do it.”
And I was all “rut-ro!” because I was having a Scooby-doo moment, obviously, and also because I never thought of it that way.
And then he was all “when was the last time you saw a guy in a porno fuck a pocket pussy? And what if a guy wanted to bring one into the bedroom with his girlfriend? Would she hold it for him like a guy would use a dildo on a girl?”
Then it hit me.
You know what you guys?
He is so right!
I’ve never really thought about it before, but there really IS a double standard when it comes to male vs. female masturbation.
The mental image of a guy masturbating isn’t special. I don’t know about you, but imagining it doesn’t get my juices flowing. In fact, it’s actually kind of depraved and pitiful. An informal survey of my girlfriends reinforced the idea–most of the time, not hot.
Now imagine a woman masturbating. If you’re a guy, there’s almost NO chance you’ll find this depraved and pitiful. And girls don’t really seem to mind it either, at worst being indifferent.
The disparity becomes even wider when one takes into consideration TOYS for men vs. toys for women.
For example, if I, as a woman, wanted to take a vibrator and go to town with it, people would be like “Yeah girl! You get yours!” And let’s say I wanted to add a little something for the bum to go along with it, that’s even hotter isn’t it? And then I could get a dildo out and suck on that a little bit while I’m playing in the other two holes, and suddenly we’ve got Porn of the Gods of Awesome, right?
Now lets say we’re watching a porn movie featuring a guy having Sexy Time with his fleshlight and maybe get a little butt plug or dildo action in there too. Maybe put a replica of a pussy over his face. For some folks–hell even MOST folks–their first thought would probably be “this is some weird porn, yo!”
Why?
I don’t have an answer to that–only more questions.
We always sort of giggle about men masturbating, don’t we? Toys or no toys. We have a hundred millionty different euphemisms for it. There’s choke the chicken, spank the monkey, jack off, pull the pud, beat the bishop, and soooo many others that it would take an entire post just to name them and I still wouldn’t get all of them.
But female masturbation on the other hand? Well, first off there aren’t nearly as many euphemisms for it. There’s flick the bean, rub one out…um…petting the kitty…those are the only ones I know! I’m sure there are more, but these are the only ones that come to mind. Even if it’s light-hearted and fun, it’s not a “giggle” sort of thing.
The explanation I have for this is that male sexuality is not so much a precious thing. Everyone knows men are just raging beasts and they’re always looking for some action and so it’s just a big eye roll when a guy is fucking a pocket pussy or a fleshlight or whatever because it’s just a guy being a big ol’ piggie. There is a constant surplus of horny men of all ages running around looking for something to stick their cocks into.
Big. Whoop.
But women aren’t that way. Female sexuality is a precious thing and ever since forever men have been trying to control it, understand it, and hopefully even summon it. It’s a far more rare commodity than male libido and so to see a woman pleasuring herself is far more a fantasy than a guy doing it. It’s just more fantastic.
So could the degree of rarity be a reason for the disparity in how we look at masturbation?
Then again, let’s look at the toys for women. They’re basically variations on cock-like objects. Sure, you have your “minivibes” like the LELO MIA,used for clitoral/external stimulation, but the vast majority of them look like erect dicks. And–let’s face it–a cylinder with a rounded end is NOT a particularly complex shape to copy. I can go to the produce aisle of the grocery store, spend about $10, and come home with hours of enjoyment that can later be turned into savory shish-kabobs for an afterglow-basked meal.
Toys for men? Partial, dismembered replicas of their favorite porn star’s crotchal region. It’s not their fault! How the hell do you make an authentic pair of play tits? It’s no wonder the toys are so much more amusing… they’re ridiculous!
Personally, I’m all about sex toys for men. I think there should be more of them, actually.
Have you guys heard about The Autoblow yet? I think it would make a splendid Father’s Day gift because as far as I’m concerned, anything that will help my husband get the poison out without my having to get involved is a very good thing. I’ve got the TMJ, you know.
So what do YOU think, Toy with Mes? Why is there a little bit of a stigma associated with men using toys? Or am I just imagining that stigma? What would you like to see in terms of toys for men?
Possibly related goodness:
- Low Sex Drive In Men
- Traveling With Sex Toys
- Get Off and Take Off: How to Sneak Sex Toys Past the TSA
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 55 comments… read them below or add one }
I don't think I could for the Autoblow – I can imagine it going horribly wrong and then having to explain it to the EMTs that show up to help me. I will stick with the hand.
Yeah, but what a story you'd have
I could see trying the autoblow, but only because I like to multitask. If I could take calls, mess with some html, schedule material deliveries, all while "getting the poison out?" A busy man's dream.
Plus? Apparently I have a lot of poison.
Multitasking during The Sex – isn't that illegal?
Double standard for sure but I think that the toy manufacturers are starting to get it. The Fleshlight is actually an outstanding toy and LELO has a line of toys specifically for men that are just as well designed as the toys that they produce for women.
You said that you had surveyed your girlfriends about masturbation. Woman seem to be able to have these conversations easily and without judgment around their peers, hell they even throw sex toy parties. We men don't talk about spanking the monkey with each other. We definitely don't talk about which prostate massager rolls the eyes in to the back of your head while throwing back a few pints with the boys.You get kicked out of the club for that kind of talk around these parts.
The anonymity of web is changing that however. There are forums dedicated to toy use, how to rig them to make them better. How to pimp your Fleshlight, how to do custom modifications as if they were talking about cars. Men sharing information with each other about the best positions or the best model for them. Openly…. like women.
Seems like men are finally catching on to the benefits of sharing what use to be taboo.
Actually, our friend Greg owns a toy store, so we asked him what he thought of this since he's kind of an expert. He said the same thing as Mr. Toy with Me. And he wholeheartedly endorsed the fleshlight. Like, a lot.
Great post , I don't get it either…I love watching my man jerk off. We haven't tried with a toy yet though , hoping to get him a fleshlight and maybe one of those doggy style prop pillows for it. He isn't so sure about the idea , but I told him it would be just like a 3-some without my jealousy !
Not so sure about that , but right now he is living far away for work and we aren't seeing each other often so I told him I would get him a toy asap !
Has he seen the Fleshlight? Chances are he might just change his mind
The "For example" paragraph was kinda hot…
i agree. trying to make it happen.
someday…
I believe you are leaving the door open on this one ….
Here is one thing to consider- for a lot of guys the stigma is that masturbation is something you do when you aren't getting any of the real thing, and using any kind of toy is the act of a lonely, desperate individual. Why? I have no idea really. Of course, I never actually get any action either so perhaps I'm missing a correlation someplace.
That was the stigma of times passed and not the case anymore.
I would agree that this is still the stigma. In practice though, I've noticed that I tend to masturbate more (not less) when I'm getting regular sex.
+1 on the more not less.
it also feels better when you've recently had the real deal.
The more I get, the more I want, especially when it comes to sex. @darktouch – perhaps I have my stigma's mixed up
I once compiled a list of euphemisms for female masturbation from email jokes and internet research. I reached 267, no bullshit. Among my favourites were “hoodwinking”, “churning butter”, “badgering the witness”, “the magic disappearing finger trick” and “‘Just reading, mom!’”
badgering the witness! Hahahahaha!
I for one, LOVE to watch my man choke his chicken. Masturbation (myself, watching someone else, talking to someone else…any form really) gets me going…and I bought him a fleshlight for his birthday, which we (especially Him) adore. I have never understood why there are so few toys designed for men, or for us all to use together.
At dinner with some friends recently, we got into a discussion about what we would do if we walked in and caught our spouse masturbating. I was the only woman who responded that I would strip down and join in. The other girls in my circle all claimed they'd be mad, hurt or offended. All of the men, of course, said they'd be all over that. Maybe I'm the weird one, but there is definitely a double standard going on.
I, too, know so many women who are "hurt or offended" when their men masturbate or watch porn or look at other women. I don't get this at all. We do it! Why should we take it personally that they do, too?!
I'm right there with you, Wendy. Definitely "strip down and join in".
I do NOT understand the "hurt and offended," or "depraved and pitiful" at all. I except my man to be perfectly OK with me enjoying my own body, so why shouldn't he get to do the same? Hell, I even give him tips on the best places to find porn online, to help him out. lol
I WANT A FLESHLIGHT SOOOOOOOO BADLY… it is so much prettier than mine! I wouldn't want to use it as a sex toy, I would just want to look at it and touch it. The woman on the video looked like she was having so much fun with it. DO you think it would be weird to ask for one as a belated Mother's Day present?
Hey, Mother's Day is *your* day, you should get what *you* want! Right?
I second the motion Holy Mother, you should have one if that's what you want.
It seems like all of my gay friends have toys up the wazoo (and out, and in, and out and in and… ahem). (No pun intended.) Then they all have special little lock boxes because, "It's fine if someone finds one in a girl's room, but it's just fucked up if they find a vibrator in a guy's room."
Sigh, my poor little sex monkeys.
Ashame they feel the need to lock them up, but your little monkeys sound like they know the ins and outs of some fabulous toys.
I love watching a man masturbate. It teaches you how he likes to be touched. How hard, how fast. Ball play? Sensitive head? And GOD if they are moaning and making those sexy grunting sounds!! Sign me up and let me join in ….
but I don't know how sexy it would be with a pocket pussy ….
I am hurt if hubby chooses to masturbate without trying to get me to play along, but if I am asleep or sick or whatever then he can go for it. I retain DIBS on all hard ons in this house!
Good tip – watching your partner masturbate helps you learn specific techniques to stay a head of the game
Thanks for that.
At the risk of all kinds of shit including that somebody I work with or heavenforbid TEACH reads this, it's that lifelike dildos and vibrators are still kind of hot, whereas the out of context vag, not so much.
The notion of women masturbating is hot for men b/c they're so visually oriented, and some women (couldbememightnotbelet'sjustmovealong) are also very visually oriented but generally not to the degree men are. I think men are more turned on by the image, real or imagined, of women masturbating, while women (I'm wading DEEP in the waters of stereotype, but I think I'm not far off the mark) are more turned on by the fantasy or idea or words than the visual.
I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore. All I know is that those latex models of porn stars assholes and vaginas make me laugh out loud and the idea of anyone getting really worked up using one is even more ridonkulous.
I think the odds of my spouse joining in to help me to the finish line should she ever catch me "en flagrante" is about zero-point-never.
If I walked in on her, I'd be all over it like a bear on honey.
But a woman walking in on a guy fuhwumping down on an inanimate torso? I can't picture anything but her laughter following.
My personal tastes do tend to follow your theory a majority of the time. Not always though, that would make me predictable – not part of my vocabulary
the scooby doo references were hilarious. this was great – i didn't know these toys existed, but i'm all about them. men are so hard to shop for after all.
Lol – beats buying another "tool"
ummm.. wow. what a topic!
I think that male masturbation is perhaps not as rare and therefore not as precious as female masturbation. (Though my bride does like to watch from time to time…)
Sex toys for men? I’ve no experience with anything bought — though I might have made some of my own. I’ve also had a hitachi magic wand used on my cock and balls and that was pretty fantastic. But to buy something? To many, that would brand the user as somebody who could not “get a woman” or at least a sicko pervert!
There’s an even bigger double standard around anal play — if a man likes it then he must be gay, because no hetero man would like that. Why do women get a pass?
Too many people need to open their minds. What other people think does not matter as long as you and your significant other(s) are comfortable. If it feels good, and nobody is getting (permanently) hurt, who cares! Do it.
It is time the double standard regarding anal play came out of the closet for good. http://toywithme.com/articles/sex-toys-for-men/
Yeah, there's a double standard fo sho. But I think when a couple can comasturbate together, you totally open up. And what's phone sex except masturbation? I think you hit the toy issue on the head (hehe). Toys for men suck ass (not literally). If they made better toys for the boys, maybe we'd be less judgmental of them using them.
Most guys I know would rather sleep with a dirty skank than a pocket pussy. I'm 100% positive most girls I know would live with a vibrator for the rest of their days before sleeping with any number of unattractive men.
And this makes me think of the double standard of gay porn. Girl on girl is hot. Guy on guy isn't? I think that's wrong, but it's a societal standard. Bet these two things are related somehow.
agreed on the co-masturbation thing.
somehow, it's MORE intimate than doing it to each other? more private perhaps?
Maybe even makes you more vulnerable which brings you closer as a couple and more willing to share deeper feelings about everything, not just sex. Although sex is right up there – because, well, obviously!
You left out my absolute favorite euphemism for male masturbation, "roping the pony."
I think you hit the reasoning behind the stigma pretty close. Men spend their entire lives, from puberty onward, trying to figure out female sexuality. The average man also thinks about sex every 7 seconds. It comes as no surprise to anyone that men masturbate. On the other hand, women are still a mystery to us XY chromosome types. Therefore, the idea of a woman masturbating is a huge turn-on.
The following link is NOT appropriate for work or around the family, but it's a good parody of "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy that deals with the subject… and it's a video done with Sims, which makes it even more awesome. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-23374720…
"roping the pony" Giddy-up!!
LMAF – great clip, thanks!
http://www.beautifulagony.com/
I don't know if this site has ever been mentioned here, but they are videos of people orgasming, but only from the neck up. They have both men and women, masturbating and with a helping hand, so to speak. I've gotta say, men getting off is pretty damn hot.
And I think there are a ton of sex toys for men, its just that they all seem to focus on anal and there is such a stigma attached that they get kinda shunned.
That site is new to me!
To counter your quick survey of female friends, I've actually been with a few women who got off on men masturbating. They'd ask me to jerk off while they watched. I felt silly, but put on a good show for them until they came, then continued with one-on-one (vs. solo) play.
Why I felt silly jerking it, especially when it was an obvious and potent aphrodisiac for my female lover, I couldn't say. However, I have a speculation as to why in general male sex-toy masturbation is generally viewed with so much snickering — virility.
A woman who uses sex toys is a woman who is sexually empowered. With a long history of women as seen as nonsexual creatures, using sex toys something to encourage in women.
Men, on the other hand, are expected to be strong and virile. A man who must resort to using a fake pussy instead of being able to "score" the real thing is usually seen as pathetic.
Realistically though, you'd think that a woman who "resorts" to using a sex toy would be seen as the pathetic one, as current theory holds that a man has to really work it to get laid, whereas a woman need merely walk into a crowded room.
I'm pro mutual masturbation as a part of foreplay. Just sayin. I have given toys as gifts, they were well received.
And well used I bet too
I've done some thinking on this issue for several years. I personally think it has something to do with how men and women treat sex differently in western culture. For men, the perception is when we are pleasured, it is an act of putting someone into subservience. Hence the context of the language it's grown into; "You suck" or "That blows" or "Someone got bent over." It's often seen as a power grab with the woman usually on the lower tier (assuming heterosexual context here). Now to be clear, I think many men do not intend for this power differential to take place, but it is there and most loving couples have to overcome it through sexual generosity and communication.
When women are pleasured, the perception is that it's a move to gain equality in the situation. With so many women traditionally encouraged to set aside their own sexual needs to placate the man, it's no surprise that some stats show that 75% of women have never experienced a climax from a partner. That seems pretty high, but maybe that's my own optimism coming through.
Dunno if I explained it well, but right or wrong, I believe it all comes down to who is usually expected to be the giver and the taker in our culture and it's not exactly arousing to see someone being a taker.
double clicking the mouse. you forgot double clicking the mouse.
Never really thought about using sex toys either on myself or my partner. I wonder whether or not I've been missing something. Perhaps I've led a much too sheltered life! LOL
Dear John (sorry, I couldn't resist) Toys add a whole new level to your sexual relationship. You should add trying one to your bucket list. Who knows, you might like it
Actual customer testimonial for the The Autoblow: "This thing beats the pants off my wife!"
The wrong, it goes deep.
LOL – Dude better have made that an anonymous testimonial.
I just saw this and did indeed recently order a small group of male sex toys. I realy ordered them more to reasure my love who lives across the state that I was capable of taking care of business on my own when we were apart rather than seek others. Then they sat for three days and I opened the drawer and looked at them. And then i took them out. And then out of control… So no I didnt get any that were or looked like female parts lol. It just seemed way too creepy and Hannibal Lector to me to even think about going there. I got some that looked like flowers and a couple of different things besides.
So how do i describe them? Certainly not like sex with a woman, and nothing like masturbation by hand. To me its like a different aspect of sexuality that I didnt know I wanted to participate in until I tried. And did I ever try. flat destroyed a couple of them already. No point in holding back since it can be as vigorous and aggressive as I want. Still not going hannibal with fake rumps or fleshlights but I am getting more toys. I think a dozen or more different things so I have options like her.
Its a third part of my sexuality now. I dont know of any other way to explain it. My love will be with me after time, but i am convinced the other two portions will get very very small then, but its a part of things now that i dont want to go away, and i want to keep.
BTW, I got her lots of high end toys as well. a gigi just the other day as a surprise gift too, so figure she has most every good thing a girl could want now and I am doing the same for myself so its very even in that respect.
I want this to be very clear to any ladies who read this that their guy wont throw them away, but he may be happier with a new form of intimate expression to compliment what he already has.
If my wife walks in on me doing it she gets all hot and bothered and tells me not to stop, who am I to disappoint the wife. She has mentioned getting toys for me also but we haven't gotten around to it yet.