I know what all you guys think of me.
You think I’m a hot and horny fuck kitten who sells her pre-moistened panties to strangers on Craigslist, makes porn, and after the kids go to sleep I try out all my toys and surra de bunda my husband’s face all night long, right?
Well, not so much.
The truth is that I have a hard time getting in the mood to do Sexy Time.
I know this shatters some pretty awesome images–and I’m sorry, I really am–but it’s high time I came clean and revealed the truth about my mostly lame sex life because I know you’ve all been jealous and you’ve been sitting there going “God! What I wouldn’t give to be that girl!” and I don’t want you to feel bad about yourselves anymore because even I’m not that girl. Most of the time, I’d rather go the hell to sleep than get it on till the break o’ dawn. Or even for an amazing 20 minutes.
(Just now this very moment my husband came downstairs totally naked and said “hey bay-bey,” did a windmill with his wenis, and ran down to the basement, giggling. I can hear the baby screaming her head off from her crib because she doesn’t want to go to sleep, and the cat is head-butting me because he wants his dinner. Is it any wonder why I’m not in the mood? This place is a fucking circus, and I’ve never been turned on by carnies.)
It wasn’t always like this, you guys. Before we had our two little crotch fruits there was sex on the dining room table and on the floor and in cars and in the pool and JESUS. I don’t even know those people anymore. Nowadays, the phrase “I might let you touch me later” is our “signal” that one of us might be interested in Sexy Time. And by “one of us” I mean me. (Protip: Notice the non-committal “might” in there. I always leave myself an out because while my intentions might be good when I say it, the events between that moment and the time we get the kids out of the way can totally obliterate that shit.)
Actually, it’s not just me: my husband is wicked tired too. Like most guys, generally, he’s better at rallying for Sexy Time than I am… but not always.
Take last Friday night for example. We had a romantic evening planned, but as soon as the kids were in bed, we both fell asleep with all our clothes on in awkward spots on the bed, our glasses of wine left half-sipped on the nightstands. We both woke up confused at 2:30 am and wondered what the fuck happened. We’ve even had sex in our sleep because we were too tired to do it when we were awake!
On the whole though, he is much better at getting in the mood because, well, he has a dick. Those things seem to always be ready to spring into action. Sadly, my vajeen is not so eager. Some nights, when the tiredness knocks me out, I wake up over and over and apologize to him for falling asleep AGAIN.
It’s not just tiredness though because if by some miracle and coffee I manage to stay awake after the kids go to bed, I want to be touched about as much as I want to pick up toys and wipe asses for another 12 hours. What I WANT to do is vegetate and watch me some horrifying, yet strangely compelling Real Housewives or read a book or just sit there and drool on myself. I’ve been climbed on and grabbed at and argued with all day long. The mommy machine has run down. It needs to do NOTHING for a while.
I’ve tried all those stupid, predictable things Cosmo suggests like having a romantic dinner (Yeah, right. Ever eaten dinner with some kids? Romantic ain’t the way to describe it), take a hot bath (with a 5 year-old banging on the door looking for her Care Bear), light some candles (we all know how that shit works out for me) give each other a sensual massage (if he massages me–and he often does–I fall asleep in .05 seconds) open a bottle of wine (ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz….), and play some sexy music (that wakes the kids up for a dance party).
I’ve also tried some other stuff like reading romance novels, not wearing panties during the day, aphrodisiac cooking, and thinking sexy thoughts.
Basically, even if I’m not asleep, all the stuff that’s supposed to help ya get in the mood is not totally possible/effective for me at this juncture. The spark is there, but the tinder and kindling ain’t takin’ it. Eventually it gets to the point where I offer my husband a playthrough, just to keep the peace, but then I’m the one left with the blue balls.
Sigh.
I don’t know, Toy with Mes. Maybe this is just the stage of life I’m in? It’ll get better, won’t it?
WON’T IT??
Do any of you guys have a lame sex life like me? What gets you in the mood?
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel your pain Chrissy…or rather I feel your husbands maybe. My husband and I have the opposite dynamic. I am the one who wants to let go of being "mommy" for a while and be the sex kitten that I used to be. he is old and tired now…WTF!.
Anyway, I just want to let you know that YES it does get better especially once the kids get older and in school. My advice to you is not to lose yourself in these years though.
My mother inlaw always used to tell me that and I blew it off. i loved my husband and I know he loved me we just stopped having sex…like for years! It totally sucked. The past year we have gone through some transformations and things are better but it is work. Sorry but it is true.
Hang in there! Things WILL get better!
Oh, come on, Queen! Give yourself credit. Laughter is its own orgasm. I enjoyed crotch fruits particularly.
i'd like to remind you of the great renaissance of late summer 2007.
you remember that, right?
the photos, the lingerie, the quickened heartbeats, the floor, the shag carpet, the naughty emails, the feeling of being ON FIRE and constantly turned on, 24/7?
it's still there. it's still in you–in US.
it's just buried under stress and worry and PARENTHOOD.
but it IS waiting to be unearthed, dug up like an ancient treasure and held up to the light once again.
they say women really get into their sexual strides later in their lives. most place that after 35-40. i'm here to tell you with no doubt in my mind that you've ONLY gotten BETTER as time's gone on. sure the frequency ebbs and flows but the intensity and power know no limits. we know what we're doing now, and we do it well.
i look forward to the next decade, a NEW renaissance, another chapter in our wonderful journey of sexuality and intimacy.
i'm up for the challenge. so to speak.
This is the most perfect response you could have made! Kudos to smart married men!
Ken you know how to pull through in crunch time. Well said!
This seems inevitable once children enter the marriage. Before my kids my husband and I did it everyday sometimes twice a day until I would chafe but, since the kids we have good weeks and bad weeks. When we do get it on it's better than ever and we wonder why we are so lazy and vow to try harder but then the next sun rises and falls and we're snoring instead of shagging. I have to believe it will get better once the boys are older and I don't feel like the entertainment director/referee in Toddlerville.
It is still there Crissy and it will get better. Ken hit the nail on the head. The kids will start being more independent and you will have more time and energy. And yes I agree women hit their sexual stride later in life. Hang in there because the best years are yet to come. I have been there and done that and this too shall pass. And wow Ken that was a lovely thing to write to Crissy.
sniff, sniff, ken. that was beautiful. as a parent of a 5 & 4 year old, it gets better. it took me about this long after having kids to want a normal sex life, and that only happened after couple's counseling, in our case. we were just so damn worn out from PARENTHOOD, we forgot what the point of being married was. it's back now. the kids getting more self sufficient definitely helps. it's also much easier to pawn them off on other family members for sleepovers, since there's no spoon feeding and diaper changing involved. use the family (and/or friends), and use them often!! good luck, queen, it's just another season of life…it'll pass.
You guys are all so wonderful! Thank you for sharing and for being so supportive and encouraging!
I heart you!!!!!
We heart you too!!!!
I was all ready with the snark until I read Ken's comment. Damn. Now I feel like a voyeur. So I guess it isn't all bad.
don't stop snarking on account of me.
snark away!!!
I freaking roared with your post on your romantic getaway.
Holy hell is Ken your husband? I hope so cause if not, then I can rent his wisdom. You go Ken. Adore your wife.
Yes, it gets better when the children have moved out and your rub yourself nightly with tiger balm. SEXY.
yes, virginia–the rumors are true…
i am indeed crissy's y chromosome.
and though i never would have thought it back then, i dig her more today than i ever did 14 years ago.
(plus she's waaaaay hotter now!)
As a woman to woman; I gotta tell ya; it DOES get easier! The urges/wants/needs/ do change though; as it may not be the crotch parasites that get in the way but just daily life in general. Working full time, opposite night shifts; and just being together for 16 years makes the Sexy Time not really a NEED.
Don't get me wrong; I'm all about the Big OH! and receiving some pretty good attention; but somedays I just wanna read a good book or go for a long run!
It's the same moves, the same swing, the same swirl, really, the same dick.
So, while you'll have more TIME; you may just not find the WANT.
I'm over 40; and finally getting comfortable with my own skin again after what those Fruits did to me (THANKS KIDS!). My hubby is handsome as ever; looking even better when he ages, but sometimes you get stuck in a rut. I read once in Cosmo that the average weekly Sexy Time was 3 times per week. I almost swallowed my tongue.
SO I went to work and asked my fellow colleagues (for which 99% are females) what their normal allottment of sex was.
It varied. Sometimes I felt like an utter loser to the ladies who put out 5days/week, even after being married more than ten years (I honestly think they are freaks).. and then there are those who don't have it at all (EEK!) and then there are those like me, who honestly? Have sex 1-2 times in 2-3 weeks.
I think it depends on the job and Sexy Hour preference.
I work night shift; hubby works day shift.
I clean the house, he makes a mess and can't give a shit who cleans
I like sex at night; he likes it at 5am;
I don't like sex with a stinky hooch.. he'll take it on a weekend after I run 21km and says he doesn't care. Have you ever smelled a poo nanny after almost three hours of running?
(what can I say, I'm a slow runner)
So while the allowment of time changes; sometimes we change to.
THIS is when I feel the need to 'stray' or have affairs is VERY easy.
Attention, LOTS of attention and finally getting comfortable in your skin, new hands, new lips, new skin, new everything.
(sigh)
It would help not to have morals
:0)
Anyways, that's my rant and my two freakin cents.
You should poll your readers to frequency of Sexy Time!
Jenny
i think a poll is a good idea, jenny.
You are SO not alone. I wrote a post titled "Lost Mojo OR how often do married couples with kids have sex?" awhile ago. I've found that it is an issue at some point in most marriages.
I got a lot of good advice. The cure for us: physically taking better care of myself, working on helping each other work cooperatively in our marriage and just plain scheduling IT. More great advice w/in the comments on my post: http://www.mommycosm.com/journal/2009/1/9/lost-mo…
Our sex life is better – most of the time. At least no one takes it personally when we go through a dry spell. Our marriage is better and the sex happens more often. I actually WANT to have sex more often.
Know you're not alone.
Good luck!
I don't have my son living with me and my girlfriend's kids are all grown up. However there are many times where we just fall asleep cause we're tired. Honestly I remember a friend in college who was were you are now. In a few years when you have more time to yourself it will come back. For now it's a lot of work and usually means getting the hell out of dodge for awhile. Even if its one night to recharge your batteries. And by this I mean just you getting out of there.
this post totally makes me cry … in relief. And I'm pretty sure that my guy would have a similar response to Ken's … but it still doesn't ease the fact that I wanna wanna have sex, dammit. Good, wily, goofy, hot sex. I know it is out there somewhere … and all those cosmo articles I read when I was 15 keep creeping back into my brain, but I am 43 and I know better. So it made me cry. Cuz its normal and silly and … exhausting to think about. thanks. in a good way.
I am going through the exact same thing! Everyone I talk to thinks I’m an idiot, but none of them have kids. I hope it gets better!
And your husband is amazing btw! Your both very lucky to have each other!!
Hrm…where do I begin?
I suppose, as a childless, hedonistic, self aborbed b*tch, it's slightly unfair for me to comment, but I will anyway.
I generally rely on one of two things: Alcohol or Spain. (Men, music and/or dance).
I have exhausted nights as well (I own my own small business, which is exhausting in and of itself), but I can generally be snapped out of it with some rioja served on the stomach of a Spaniard…
Oh wait…that was two at once, wasn't it?
Damn. I'm a greedy b*tch too.
And am, however, totally digging the naked, giggling, post weinie dance huz, though. Well done.
- B x
Your comment is just as valid as anyone who has kids! You don't need to have kids to feel tired and overwhelmed!
You just described my life….I hear ya! It has to get better, doesn't it?
two words: morning sex!
There's no better day to start the day than a little action before the kids wake.
Married life, parenting, is damn hard work, and sometimes (too often) the work gets in the way of the things that make life worth living.
Some other suggestions: get a sitter an hire a hotel room. Check in without any luggage, just some wine and cheese/fruit/chocolate. Shag yourselves silly and then go home at 2 AM (or however late sitter/grandma will put up with)… Also the nooner is a great, too. Kids at school, whatever, a delightful "lunch" with fast food wolfed down in the car on the way back to work.
You can do it!
What a great freakin blog. It made me just want to go kiss my husband in dark places. Fabutastic. I also wanted to tell you that I nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award. If you're interested in claiming the honor/silly fun, please head over to my blog for the details! Thanks for the great site!
Oooo that's so awesome! Thank you!
You know whats not normal? Being a hot and horny fuck kitten 24 / 7 365. Having being married since Christ was a cowboy I have experienced the ebbs and flows of libido. Quite frankly it is what it is. Life gets in the way not just in the terms of your sexual relationship but also in all of the other parts of your partnership as it evolves.
Sometimes it's ebbing, and sometimes it's flowing.
Ahhh, the great renaissance of summer 2007. if my memory serves me correctly that was a very good year for us as well Ken. There will be many more of those in the course of your marriage I am sure. For fuck sakes, two kids, 2 jobs, it kicks the shit out of you doesn't it?
Don't Stress about it Crissy, the horny fuck kitten is sitting just below the surface waiting to meeeeeoooow when the time is right.
Awww. I heart you Mr. Toy with Me!
I think you're all putting your punanies before the horse. When did we become alley cats? When did sex become an olympic sport, and besides, where would the judges sit? For me, the sexiest hayrolling is with a woman with whom I've had a series of really great conversations, some sort of connection. But its the connection that drives it all, not some sort of benchmark that says we have to do it x times a week or we're not really in a relationship, that something is wrong with the relationship. Ingrid Bergman said “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” Please note, the kiss follows the words. The words come first, and they will always be first.
Bahh kids is stinkin Life suckers.. Suck the life right outa ya.. the get bigger and stronger while you get weaker. Nough said!