I’m Installing A Panic Room, For Sex

I have given this a lot of thought. Years of covert operations and biting shoulders. I have sucked in more pillow filtered air than a human should have to do, which is what has led me to the conclusion that I deserve a panic room. A really nice one. Equipped with a sex swing, stripper pole, sex toys, super luxurious bed and nice sheets. Sheets that no kid or dog will ever be able to gain access to, yes, my very own panic room. It’s freakin’ brilliant!

Hi there Toy With Me readers! My name is Wicked Shawn and I own teenagers. So, let me just throw this out on the table, having sex with teenagers in the house is unlike the sex of houses full of young children. Cue the Mission Impossible music. Even the stealthiest of us will eventually get busted. If, like me, you choose to raise your children in a manner where sex is not a taboo subject, you will occasionally be called out, oh yeah, you heard me. In my house it plays out in charming little scenes like the following.

My Daughter Is As Charming As Satan

Pouring coffee, half asleep on a “morning after” . Daughter walks into kitchen, she is a mini me, charming as Satan on a good morning. “Seriously momma, any chance you could like not have sex again until I move out of the house?” Ignoring her completely ridiculous request, I pour my delicious creamer into my coffee, my inner self giggling just a bit and making mental note to tell him he wasn’t as quiet as he thought he was, “Hello, I know you hear me, I will start singing “Let’s Talk About Sex” if you don‘t answer me. Don’t make me do it, you know I will.” As my daughter is given to random ‘Fame’ moments, where she breaks into song and dance, I know she will come through on her threat and it is entirely too damn early for kitchen dancing, not that I don’t love me some oldies, especially when performed mother-daughter style, but WTH??!! Can I not just have the sex without the teenagers being involved?! Panic rooms are sound proof!

“Why did I give birth to the only teenager on earth who wishes NOT to sleep with her stereo on?” Now I know I am in trouble because she puts her arms around my shoulders and kisses my cheek, “Umm, yeah, my stereo was on freak.” Away she goes. Damage done.

Seventeen Years Of Quiet Sex!! I Think Not

My son is much less cool about it, which makes sense I suppose. He never just says he overhears the sex happening, but instead makes so much noise that it is impossible not to know someone is in the vicinity of the sex. Nothing like the slamming of a door to guarantee coitus interruptus. Granted, when they are home the sex is taking place behind locked doors, But if we can hear him slamming a door, he can hear us having the sex. Guar-an-teed! Did I mention panic rooms are soundproof?

But hell, my son is seventeen people, seventeen years of quiet sex!! I think not.

Besides, it’s not like when your kids were three and six and you could call up parents of other three and six year olds and trade off, you know, you take my kids tonight, I will take yours tomorrow night, everybody gets the sex this weekend. No, those days are long gone.

Break It Down Barney Style

There also comes an age where a kid opens a door and there is just no explaining away what they have seen. No amount of talking will ever make them believe that mommy and daddy were just naked wrestling. I actually know someone who told their kid this. They also thought their kid, who was eleven years old, believed them. I laughed at her. I laughed really hard at her. At three wrestling seems plausible, at eleven, some kid on the playground is going to break it down Barney style for them, your choice, but really, you might want to weigh those options out fairly carefully. Better yet, run a Google search for naked wrestling .

Basically, I’m Fucked.

Oh yes, that’s much better than an honest chat with your kids, after all, eleven year olds don’t know how to use Google, right? Panic rooms are impenetrable.I have always chosen to take the ‘age appropriate but completely honest‘ route with my kids. But, I will say, it has had one horrible and unexpected side effect, which is further hindering the loud and rampantly free sex. My kids like me. The. Hell. Teenagers aren’t supposed to like you! They are supposed to constantly want to be away from you. No, not mine. They even want their friends to come to my house. Which I am fairly certain is a conspiracy. They are assuming that there is no sex at all in the house if they have friends over. They want to stay and chill with us, they like doing things as a family. Basically, I’m fucked! But only late at night and quietly. Have I mentioned panic rooms are soundproof and impenetrable?

I do know one thing without question. I will still be young when my daughter leaves home for college. Once she has been dropped off, it is game on all over this house. Believe you me, doors will be locked and not a surface of this house will be safe from the sex. Hell, we may break into the neighbor’s house and dirty up some of their sheets!! All while screaming really dirty phrases at the top of my lungs. One thing is for sure, I will exit my panic room, maybe move the sex swing to the deck, the stripper pole to the family room and display the sex toys in the china cabinet. Did I mention panic rooms are expensive? *sigh*

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About the Author

You can read more of Wicked Shawns antics at her blog where she spreads her Wicked delights and gives a hand up to her Wicked followers. Shawn likes to Dream the dream. Dare to hope. Stab the haters. Walk on the doubters. Buy the shoes, and sleep with the hotties. You can get social with Shawn by following her on Twitter.