I was out in my back yard with my daughter, who had just turned three at the time. It was a very hot and humid day in June, and nobody was outside except for us because we don’t have air conditioning because my husband is cheap. We were playing in the sand box and the baby pool, when over the gentle hum of everyone else’s air conditioning units, I heard a teenage boy yelling for help from the lake behind our house. Being a very awesome and selfless and heroic person, I did what any good citizen would do–I phoned the police to tell them about it.
You may throw flowers now.
Also, money.
Anyway, I have to say that my town has excellent customer service because I about hung up the phone when there was an officer already on the scene. And there I was, a hot mess. My hair was all frizzy from the humidity, and I had mud on my legs from the sand box. Not. Cute.
I opened the door and came face to face with a kinky fantasy I didn’t even know I had: Fucking the police.
Officer Dreamy McHottington, fresh from his air conditioned car, was standing at my door in his wonderful uniform. He was all cool and confident and smelled like aftershave. I don’t mind telling you, Toy With Mes, that I became a little moist in the panties area and it took me totally by surprise. I didn’t know I was into that sort of thing until that. very. moment.
So I let him into the house and motioned toward the back door (the literal back door, not my figurative back door, you dirty birds) that led down to the lake and ooooo those pants on that hot, perfect ass…his handcuffs dangled temptingly from his belt and I envisioned Officer McHottington stripping me naked and cuffing me to my bed and I’m not gonna tell you what I was thinking might happen next or what we’d do with his pistol because you’d be a little scared of me after that and I don’t want to do anything to spoil our friendship.
It’s that sick and probably even illegal.
I actually started salivating.
I know.
He was clearly not a policeman of the fat, lazy, donut hoarding variety, but a young, broad shouldered stud muffin (does anyone even say “stud muffin” anymore?) fresh from the training academy.
And of course, as he stepped out of the house and into my back yard, there was my daughter. She was running around naked and barking while chasing the dog with a watering can. Nice. I’m surprised the officer didn’t call Family Services for backup. Needless to say that the bow chica bow bow porn music that was playing in my head as I was imagining Officer McHottington doing very bad naughty things to me, was replaced with a loud rrrrrrriiiiipppppp (that was the sound of a record scratching, very violently) at the sight of my daughter’s antics.
It was just as well because that boy was all “HELP! HELP!” and it totally drowned out (no pun intended) my super sexy fantasies. Officer Dreamy McHottington did not even get a chance to help me out of my little tank top and shorty shorts because he was totally preoccupied with saving that stupid boy.
And as to who would be taking care of my daughter while I made friends with Officer McHottington, well, I don’t know. I didn’t get that far in my thinking because of all the whining from Lake Boy. And before any of you get all concerned about him, I’ll tell you that Officer McHottington radioed to his cute friends over at the fire department that there was indeed a teenage boy on the other side of the lake who was in trouble, and some firefighter swam out and rescued him.
He was fine and he lived.
OKAY?
Now, stop thinking about him. He’s always trying to make this story about him when clearly, it’s about me and Officer McHottington.
Since then, I’ve been exploring what exactly turns my crank about policemen, and I’ve discovered that it’s not really a men in uniform thing for me. While I think our UPS guy is cute, he’s not Dreamy McHottington cute. I don’t fantasize about him delivering his package–I tell awesome jokes about it instead. I think for me it’s more like a men with authority thing, like…sea captains (not pirates though. Well, maybe pirates as long as those pirates are Johnny Depp), or Presidents of the United States (Private message to Obama: CALL ME! I like fisting!)
But it’s not all men with authority though. Like, I’m not into Batman or anything becausef if you ask me, any dude in a cape (and before some smartypants says “but Crissy! VAMPIRES wear capes” Crissy will remind you that they wear CLOAKS. There’s a difference. Shut up.) is highly suspect and therefore, un-datable. Superman is double right out because not only does he wear a cape, he wears his underpants on the outside of his pants, and while this may work for Madonna, it does not look nice on boys–not even on boys pretending to be Madonna. But the relative fuckability of superheroes is a whole ‘nuther topic for a different post. God, I love it when I get ideas for a new post without even drinking vodka until something comes to me trying!
AnyCrissywanderingofftopic, I never really thought of myself as someone who would consider playing dress up with my husband, but I might actually do it. He can play Officer McHottington and I will be the drug smuggling slut with a bag of coke stuck up my noonie.
I’ll certainly need a full cavity search and perhaps even a good working over with his nightstick. Maybe we’ll even invite Lake Boy to come over and pretend to drown in our bathtub.
So tell me, do you have a secret fantasy that gets you all bothered?
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
do i have a fantasy?
well, up until a few minutes ago i didn’t know i did, but i have to say that suddenly dressing up in a cop uniform and ordering you to “get down on the ground” so that i can cuff your hands behind your back as you lay prone sounds VERY appealing.
then, i’d pull out my nightstick dildo…
http://www.bedroompleasures.co.uk/sex-toys/images/chi_chi_hole_patrol_med.jpg
The prom king.
Because I never got over high school.
So is now when I tell you my ex is a cop? when we dated he was a volunteer for the sheriff’s dept. Then he became a full-blown cop.
So do I ruin it and and tell you that we didn’t use his handcuffs for anything dirty and I was only in the backseat of his cop car once – sitting with friends who were waiting for a tow after an accident?
Naw, I’ll let you have your fantasy.
I don’t have a cop fantasy, but I have others – ones I cannot confess to on here because people might see. perhaps one day when we finally meet, we can drink a couple of bottles of wine and chat
It’s allllll about the UPS man. Special delivery, package, brown shorts and comfy shoes. The shoes are ass-tastic, but they won’t be on long anywhoo…
ok, so far we have prom king, unknown, and ups guy.
*scribbles in notebook*
Marines.
http://www.immortals-of-wyvern.com/uploads/dress_blues_marine_copy.gif
Nuff said.
Firemen are soooo sexy hot! Almost makes me want to be a pyromaniac.
http://blogpig.co.uk/pics/2008/02/fireman-03.jpg
Any questions?
C.P. Nice Stick!
ToyWithMe…. You should dress up as Crissy. Just sayin.
{I should have used my inner voice.}
LOL – no problem! Crissy, hand over those huge knockers of yours girl, I need to borrow them.
I have enough to go around! Come and get it!
Where is everyone this week? Is everyone at some sort of party and they forgot to inivte us?
assholes.
Oh god. Cops! Yum.
I also have a thing for military men.
Must be the uniforms.
I just can’t get past the thought of how selfish Lake Boy is…you made the phone call that SAVED HIS LIFE and he didn’t have the common sense to offer to babysit while Officer McHottington came over to thank you? Whatever, he was super selfish.
Rebecca- it doesn’t even end there! There was a hero’s commendation ceremony for the firefighter who swam out to get him, but NOBODY WOULD HAVE KNOWN HE WAS THERE IF I HADN’T CALLED!
I saw it on the news and boy was I mad!
Leave it to kids to ruin a perfectly good hook-up. First GF and then the kid in the lake. From a guys point of view (or would that be a view of a point?) the hot librarian has always had a certain appeal. Of course the hot police woman with whip cream for mace would be outstanding as well.
John! I’m a librarian! I’m there right now…in my glasses…with my Reference books…raaawwwwrrrr
I have to say that one of the fantasies that tends to get me the hottest is a rather boring one…well, perhaps not boring, but certainly one that is not unique. University professor, naughty student…and usually a hot female TA thrown in for good measure. This usually features a goodly amount of spanking whilst bent over a desk in his office.
The husband and I haven’t acted this out yet, but I am working up to dressing the part for him.
LittleTeapot- OMG! YES! College professor! Soooooo hot. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that one! I’ve had a few professors I wouldn’t mind screwing for an A!
One’s name is Professor Johnson. I shit you not.
Oh, Professor Johnson…how could you have such a promising name but not give Crissy a good seeing to? Perhaps you need to act this one out with CP as well. Go out and get him a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows or something and have at it.
I had a hot British professor for one class in college. He was rather bumbling and silly in class at times, but I had big dreams of him being rather take charge and sure of himself behind closed doors. And by taking charge, I mean ripping my clothes off and then making me see the error of my ways, probably while on my knees…er…right. Back to the story. He had lots of female students (and probably a fair few male students) lusting after him, but my lust was somewhat diminished when I found out he had dirty little secret I was not particularly keen on learning first hand….chlamydia (which he apparently passed on to at least one other lecturer at the same college. I like my naughty fantasies coming true, but preferably without the side order of STDs. That put my college professor fantasy on the back burner for a while, so I had to rely on fantasies of the maintenance guy letting himself into my apartment and catching me (and then joining in, of course) while I was naked and showing myself a good time.
I freakin loved that story. I giggled quite a bit at the scolding Lake Boy proverbially got.
Hmm..fantasies? I do loves me some uniformed men, so I’m right there with you. Used to work in a knife shop in Baltimore MD on the harbor…and let me tell ya! During fleet week these INSANELY HOT Scandinavian-or-something hotties would come into the store wearing dress whites and flinging their sexy accents about recklessly while handling some of the prettier knives in the store.
Yeah, if I could go back in time, I’d be all like “The guy you’re with is going to cheat on you anyway! Fuck one of these guys! Dooooo It!”
I don’t have lusty fantasies cuz I get caught up in how to politely ask to see the certification from the doctor that he’s sterile. Yes, my fantasy life is ruined by my absolute deathly fear of teh babies.
Although I have to admit more than a passing fancy for Stoogepie. Although my not being a clown-faced girl (or Crissy) probably pushes me right out of the running there…
Sooooooooooooo very ————
I have always had that professor fantasy myself! I just imagine him pushing all the stuff off of the desks and throwing me on top of them and showing me a good time…ohhhh boy….is it hot in here?!
I would love it if someone snuck in to my house sometime and forcefully (but not creepy bald guy rape) had me to themselves, if ya catch my drift…I want my boyfriend to do it but he is always DEAD at night…HAAHAHA…except when we make sexy time…but THEN he’s dead. Aww poo. Oh well..maaybe I can coax him from his slumber…with my hand…
Aaanyywayyyyss, I have always wanted to have sex in water too, but that’s cause my sign is a Cancer and I practically freaking LIVE in it…I love it THAT much…but I don’t want any yeasty beastys coming to get me from any chemicals that might be in the water….Please no chlorine in my kootchipop, THX.
men in kilts. don’t know why. don’t care why. just loves me some men in kilts.
MsDarkstar- Ooooo, Stoogie. Yes. He’s so mysterious! He’s just like Batman. I’m gonna be pissed if he tells me he wears a cape and his underpants outside his pants.
We have a hot UPS lady. OMG!! I’d like to give her a dleivery, if you know what I mean…
tangeria – A man in a kilt is enough to make my panties moist
I like MsDarkstar’s fantasy.
Yes, Clown-Face Girls whose tits squeak when you squeeze them!
I like cops well enough, but I want the whole TWAT Team at once.
I don’t wear capes. Or underwear. So no problems with that.
I went to a party once where there was a stripper in a cake and I have since thought how awesome it would be to get a BJ through a hole in the cake, like a glory-hole cake, while you ate the cake. It’s like the awesomest combination of porn and cake I can imagine. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too.
I also have medical fantasies: wispy-haired women with terminal cancer while they get chemo, women with Tourette’s syndrome having epileptic seizures, and women suffering from that hideous disease I made up where they have vaginas and assholes covering every square inch of their bodies.
Sadly, I have no truly bizarre fantasies to share.
i’m fucking DYING over here.
stoogepie, you HAVE to send me some of that shit you’re on.
Hahaha! Stoogie.
I *have* a man in a kilt. And yes, it is awesome. You may all now swoon with envy.
For some reason, lumberjacks/loggers really get me excited..something about those carharts.
oops, i put my email as my website. I’m not attempting to trick you like my computer just accused me of doing.
Darkstar-
OMG I have the same problem…Why do we let practical concerns get in the way of fantasy? Back alley rape fantasy? Oh hell yea! Wait…does he have AIDS?
…He’s imaginary, it shouldn’t matter! But it does.