Porn – Not Exactly “Dora The Explorer”

Now, Your Aunt Becky is a big fan of pornography. I find it, at times arousing, others, amusing, and still others, horrifying. The human body can be so varied in how it looks and the human mind can come up with so many sick, twisted and downright disgusting things to capture on film that my reactions run the gamut. Unlike most of the world, however, I don’t tend to surf Internet Porn.

I know, I KNOW, you’re shocked. I’m probably among the 0.00000000001 percent of people with a computer who doesn’t actually look at porn on it and the other person is probably a three-year old somewhere in Utah. I just have a deep seated fear of Internet Viruses, that’s all. Oh, and my computer sits RIGHT next to the window to my backyard and right smack-dab in the middle of my dining room, so that I’m constantly surrounded by my crotch parasites. The last thing I need is my kid to be all, “MOMMY, WHAT’S THAT HANGING OUT OF THAT WOMAN’S VAGINA?!” Because talk about awkwardness when I have to tell him it’s a bottle of soda. Thanks, I don’t need to scar my kid in THAT way, thank you.

But I realized lately that I’m going to have to do some major discussion with my children, who are now going to be part of the Internet Generation, before they get onto YouTube and see for themselves all that porn has to offer. I’ve opened many a “Dora The Explorer” clip to find out that ACTUALLY it’s more like “Dora The Explorer…of Butt-Holes!” So a simple click is going to probably turn the kid from looking at cartoons to watching some chick get double fisted by a couple of bikers.

I guess it’s probably MY job to teach the kids that what we see in pornography is not exactly what it’s like in real life. I’m not going to go over it with a step-by-step manual complete with Power Point or anything, but I figure it’s probably important that I clear up some common misconceptions before any of the kids actually start, you know, humping for real. (God help me when they do because I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT IN ANY DETAIL)

  1. Not every woman you have sex with is going to scream like she’s straddling the line somewhere between ecstasy and intense pain. Oftentimes, you will find that your partner is quiet and you should be too, because you have roommates that you don’t need to disturb, lest they pee into your apple juice AGAIN. Plus, fake porn moaning is more comical than it is arousing, anyway.
  2. Porn-style penises are gigantic. I don’t pretend to want to know how my children will be hung EVER, but the size of a porn wang is often so large that when I watch it, I involuntarily shudder, because it hurts my vagina FOR any of his partners. So just because HE is hung like a horse doesn’t mean that your penis is small. He’s the freak, not you. And average is just fine.
  3. Shockingly, women don’t come to the door wearing trash-tastic lingerie and proceed to have The Sex with any and all people that may be ringing the bell (much). Life is not nearly as sex-filled as a soft-core porn. If you become a pizza delivery guy, you’ll probably never be seduced by an attractive blond with fake boobs who wants nothing more than to lustily pleasure you in her kitchen with her three best girl friends. Sorry.
  4. Most women do not enjoy being forced to give a blow-job. Most women do not like to have their heads held down while they give oral sex. Do not do this to a woman unless she asks you to do so, and only then, PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION.
  5. Acrobatics during sex have their time and their place, but too much position-changing and fiddling around can really get irritating after awhile. You’re not in the circus because you are related to me, who is so clumsy that I trip over the lines painted on the floor and your partner is presumably not nearly as bendy as many of the women you’ve seen, so just remember that flipping her around until she’s contorted like a pretzel may kill the mood. A lot.
  6. Ejaculation on the breasts and face take a lot more time and preparation than it appears on the camera. You have to know exactly what you are doing to make it happen. More importantly, you have to inform your partner that it will be happening, or you may end up with a nice, shiny black eye afterward.
  7. It’s likely that most of the time, neither you or your partner will be as well groomed in the crotchal region as the porn stars because, well, that sort of grooming takes a hell of a lot of money and effort. You probably won’t have that time and effort every single day.
  8. The sex act itself doesn’t usually last as long as it does in the pornos because they take breaks in between takes. I mean, you’ve got to imagine the chafing there is intense. So don’t be discouraged if you don’t last for twenty minutes or longer every time. And for the love of all that is holy, NEVER tell me about it.
  9. Porn stars don’t always use protection when they have the sex. YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM. EVEN IF SHE IS ON THE PILL AND SWEARS YOU ARE HER FIRST, WEAR A CONDOM. ALWAYS.
  10. Sex is much more intimate than pornography portrays it. Remember that sex is really about intimacy as much as it is about pleasure and you don’t have to be all “making love” this and “sweet caress” that to appreciate that it’s kind of awesome. Even more awesome than porn makes it out to be.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. I wish I saw that show

  2. Number 2 isn't entirely true… =)

    At least that's what I found…

  3. Momma Drama says:

    I’m going to be having the whole period talk with my daughter later this year… Haven’t figured out if I’ll bring up sex, but she definately knows “about” it… Not so much what it is (I hope). Maybe I’ll get to your list in a few years… I like the whole South Park analogy starle used. Might have to steal that!

  4. Karl Elvis says:

    As much as I love porn, 90% of it is absolutely dreadful.

    Fake, glossy. I hate that stuff. Real people are so much sexier that the perfect plastic drones. Real people with scars and wrinkles, whose bodies makes noises.

    You have to go back to seventies porn to get close to real people, and even then the cliches are everywhere.

  5. Aunt Becky – that's the best sex talk I've been given.. You've answered many questions I've needed truthful answeres to! :D :P
    xx

  6. I just had that talk with my kids. So glad I read this in the AM! My daughter was researching spiders and ended up with a (thankfully) mostly tasteful youtube video of a party. I explained that they might type in something and get something else. And I *so* used the dora the explorer of…um butt-holes as an example. My kids know all sorts of interesting facts about reproduction, 'girl time' of a month, sex etc, but nothing about sorid details. (um, obviously) But they took it all in stride. I was really proud of them. They asked questions. I answered them as best as i could. I am sorry to say that i had to end up using south park as an example. ' you know how on south park they do XYZ…but in real life that would *not* be cool at all? Well, that is how sex on the web is. um kay? um kay.'
    but they got it!
    thanks for the post! I was ready!

  7. i don't even want to think about going there with my kiddos…but this is some good stuff when it does eventually have to happen!

  8. Curbstomped-Barney2x says:

    If you want intimate try the Manual Ferrera RAW series. It's literally on the verge of creepy yet intimate how much he triggers these "actresses" with his French accent and serious uncut "ok so you want me…lets go for it" attitude. It's a window is all I'm saying. And the horse your speaking of is Jack Napier. He's actually really funny and careful. But yes…the best quote from his series of "Its Big Its Black its Jack" is "I think I'm going to need a epidural next time after my pussy "recovers". ~yikes!~

  9. There are exceptions to rule number 9. For instance in a fit of insanity, you may in fact desire a crotch parasite.

  10. Oh how I do wish that pornosonic soundtrack would kick in over imaginary overhead speakers every time I got turned though…

  11. lizfits says:

    *sigh*

    I feel like maybe I'm a porn star or something and that's wrong?

    Because I am loud as all heck, and being quiet kills my orgasm. Being quiet is the worst thing ever…

    And if sex doesn't last 20 minutes at least 80% of the time, I get really cranky and annoyed.

    I have unrealistic expectations…? You just burst my bubble, Aunt Becky. For real. :-(

  12. I remember when I was new to this whole Internet thing (many years ago) and keyed Watersports into Google…….I was thinking canoeing or wakeboarding but that wasn't exactly what I got!!!!!!! I too will be printing this off for future talks with my daughter!!!!

    • As internet virgins we all learned very quick how to word our queries. Good luck with your "talk"

      • When I first got a computer with internet connection (I was a latecomer to the whole pc thing), the band Orgy had just released their cover of the song "Blue Monday". Imagine my delighted surprise when I typed Orgy into Google. It took 12 hours for my wife to get me away from the computer…..

    • Bwahaha! I'm always terrified to google anything that could be sexual. In a sort of good way, I guess. My name, apparently, means "Blow Job."

  13. Yes, thanks Aunt Becky – must save this for future "talks" with the crotch parasites.

    • When we were kids, at most, we'd have some magazines lying around and maybe a few tapes. But now, it's EVERYWHERE. You know?

  14. I don't watch internet porn either, I am so glad I am not the only one, but you are sooo right, it must be done. My son and I were joking about how our two male dogs 'hump' and I said maybe they are gay, and he replied, no they are probably just curious, that's when I knew it was time!

  15. Dude, I once got fired from a job as a school librarian when a 4th grader typed "pokemon" into the computer and got porn, *just as his teacher was walking in.* They thought I was letting him watch porn. True. Story.

  16. I've been thinking about approaching sex talks with my daughter but have no idea what to say………….I'm terrified.

    • I think I'm going to have to start with Ben soon. He knows about sex, the act, but nothing about the specificities. I guess it's time.

      • When I told my DD she was not impressed – AT ALL! It was a while before she asked any more questions. When she did though she knew she was going to get the straight facts.

  17. I'm just going to print this post and stick it under my kids' doors when the time comes. Have also thought about allowing them to watch the nudist episodes of Real Sex as an antidote to any porn they may discover.

  18. wait.. what's the title of that double-fisting biker porn?