The New Year is a time of new beginnings. We decide on our resolutions (I’m giving up on that whole “lose weight” business… let’s just be honest here), we get back in touch with old friends, and, if you’re me, you spend an entire hour debating with your girl friends what shapes you’ll be waxing your pubes into for the coming month… maybe I should get a new group of friends.
It started off like most things do with my friends, “HEY! Who’s wants to get a martini!!” cut to six women drunk in a living room of a house in Brooklyn because we were too damn cold to go out to a bar. Yes, we are that lazy, thank you for asking. For the sake of this article, let’s just say that I alone was the only sober one, and also because if my mom ever reads these posts, the last thing I need is yet one more conversation about what the difference is between casual drinking, and waking up in Mexico with some dude named Juan, and trying to figure out when exactly you got his named tattooed on your ass; before or after the Tequila worm.
So, for the sake of argument, I was TOTALLY sober, got that? Good.
Lets Get Waxed!
So, as I lay on the floor, totally sober, with my chocolate martini in hand, my friend Tara* brought up a point; “Since this is the beginning of a whole new decade in a whole new century, we should do something really big… let’s all get our pubes waxed into little ‘2010’s!!” You, my friend, are going to have to go with me on the fact that when you are very drunk, this actually sounds like a good idea.
“Nooooooooo. Oh my gosh! You know what we should do?!” This is my friend Sarah talking. I know this because the comment was coming from somewhere near my right foot, which is where Sarah was last seen before she fell on the floor. “We should wax them into dinosaur shapes!”
The Bible Of Pubic Hair?
I think you can see where the conversation was going, which brings me to the point of this article. When exactly did the shapes of our pubic hair become topic for conversation? I think that in the Bible of Pubic Hair, it was, “First there was bush, and it was good. Then there was trimming, and that was pretty good too. Then there was Brazilian, and that hurt like hell, and now there’s waxing the Channel logo into your business, and that’s just fucked up!……. – Amen.”
I Want A Louis Vuitton Logo!
Because you can, now. You can shave your name into your pubes, get the Louis Vuitton logo, you can go patriotic for Independence Day and color it red, white, and blue, or you can get it waxed into the shape of a brontosaurus… I’m not going to tell you how I know that last one… let’s just say, it looked better in my head, and my husband now thinks I have a thing for fucked up dogs with really long necks. Anyway, when I sobered up the next morning, I asked my live – in – male – expert (my husband) what he thought of all this.
“Uhhhh…”
Well said, honey, well said. When did we go from, “just keep it clean” to, “I want my vagina to map out the New York City Subway system, colors and all”? Which, by the way, if you’re a reader and you do that, you NEED to send me a picture. I don’t think ToyWithMe will send you anything, but I will send you my undying love and admiration, and that’s worth so much more than just stuff, isn’t it? Yes. Yes it is.
A Vagina That Wishes You Glad Tidings
Anyway, as my friends and I were talking about this, we wondered what type of woman got this stuff done to her. Was it women with super long finger nails that were air – brushed to look like the portrait of the Mona Lisa? Was it the young corporate woman who you would never suspect? Was it an older woman, an empty – nest mother, who was trying to add some spice to her life? What type of chick sat down with her waxer, and a picture of the Panama Canal and was like, “Make. It. Happen”? Cause let me tell you, that is one bad – ass bitch. Seriously. I need to be friends with the woman who can make her business look like a series of Scrabble tiles mapped out to say, “Happy New Year!” Because she is awesome. Can you imagine: you’re a dude, you’re going in to seal the deal, and all of a sudden you’re met with a very positive vagina that wishes you glad tidings, and maybe also smells like coco – butter lotion?! Or maybe you two can lay there while he figures out why you love WalMart enough to have the happy face shaved into your lady parts (you should also send me a picture of this if you’ve done it).
Who are the women who soberly walk into waxing salons and come up with these trends? And more to the point, who are the men who love it so much that we’ve all heard of this? I’m assuming you’ve heard of this… if you haven’t, well, you have now. Who are the men who love it, who are the waxers who do it, and can it be anything I want? What if I want a family portrait? Is there, like, a Leonardo of pubic hair out there? Where is he hiding?!
Would you, or have you, ever created masterpieces out of your lady – fur? What’s the weirdest thing you can think of shaving your hair into, and if you’re a man, what would freak you out? I’m thinking of a Eiffel Tower to start off my new year… sound good?
*Names have been changed to protect the drunk and stupid.
Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.
About the Author
The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
As a guy, which is the only thing I know how to be, except for a very convincing woodchuck routine, I just keep things trim. I’ve considered some sort of satirical tattoo down there. (read, not satanical) but a shaved design? Wouldn’t you need *a lot* of “real estate” for that?
I once had a small smiley done by my girl in South America just for kicks. You know, the Have A Nice Day one? Just the two eyes and the smile, which was actually quite easy. I can’t say that I’d do anything else again, as it was kinda pointless, besides being able tos say “Hey, I have a smiley face in my vadge!”
There’s this one place in Chicago that will not only wax shapes into you, but BEJEWEL your precious as well. “Honey Child is the only spa advertising this bejeweled wax job known as “Hidden Treasures” (ask for Santha Dulaney, $60–$70). The aesthetician first waxes her “canvas.” Onto the smooth surface, crystals or rhinestones are applied with a hypoallergenic surgical adhesive. Because of perspiration and the body’s natural oils, your treasure will have the most value for the first 24 to 48 hours, though wearing tight clothes will lessen the time.”
Read more: http://chicago.timeout.com/articles/spas-gyms/11884/invasion-of-the-body-waxers#ixzz0bf8rnDQJ
KJ, no merken references? I have never done anything crazy with my lady garden (unless you count that time I used Neosporin to shave it) so I’m of no service to you from the experience department.
Now onto business. What about “Invite Only”?
I don’t know. I’m sort of a purist when it comes to this sort of thing. All or nothing, I say. I don’t get too fancy with it.
KYA – I guess it depends on how fancy you wanna go. We’re not talking about a scale replica of “Water Lillis” here.
Blow Joy, you’re my new best friend.
TLK, you win some major points for “Invite Only.” That one may have to be on my “to-do” list!
Crissy – I’m getting mine shaved and colored to look like the banner on your page. It’s my tribute to you!!
I don’t understand how a woman can put themselves through that much pain! Maybe it’s just me and my cursed genetics. I’ve got light Irish blonde hair on my legs so I can go weeks without shaving before I look like a zoo animal but my underarms and bikini are a different story. Between my knees and chin I’m all Mexican. Why do I need hair there anyway? Don’t we evolve? No happy face or bedazzled flag for this lady – I stick to the boring old “Canadian” bikini wax. Just a little off the sides please.
I think I’m going to stick with my Landing Strip. What can I say? I’m a straight shooter. And holy fuck, the picture in this post made me snort cornbread.
BlowJoy – I think a bedazzled beaver would be a super sexy Valentine’s Day surprise!
Um, yeah. Big ups to TWM for the photo. I kinda wanna make it my desktop pic. Is that bad??
LMAO!
Ok, it’s a deal. I’ll bedazzle my hoo-hoo for V-day (Valentine’s = Vagina Day) and take pics. Gotta sacrifice for my art.
I wanna have BJ’s love child.
BJ – OOhhh….can’t wait to see the results
We had the brazillian that made us all look like 10 yr old pre pubescent girls…I guess it’s time to bring back the rug…but now we gotta bedazzle it?? Jeesh, It’s all I can do to shave my dang legs once a month…now I gotta get out the eyelette setter and gems…I am not that flexible! Maybe my manwhore will help me do it!
Ok ….I have to admit I was scared but I did come here…I should get points for that alone! LOL The picture did produce Pepsi out my nose onto my computer screen…thanks! LOL As for the shapes in my hair down there…I’ve never done shapes. To be honest back in my day the “natural fro” was the thing. I didn’t even realize I should be taming that wild bush till the older niece came to live with us 10 yrs ago. I noticed she was a bald eagle one day and asked what the hell. She told me all the girls either shaved it all off or waxed it off and I felt like a damn fool. Here I was with a wooly mammoth down there and I should have been trimming that thing! LOL While I have never been waxed (definitely need to be totally drunk for that to happen) I do trim up “the area” neatly with my very own clippers now. I did attempt a heart shape last Valentines but sadly it turned into a hideous shape and that’s it. I do think maybe I could trim it all the way down and apply heart shaped rhinestones this year as a surprise for my old tired husband. If I do …I WILL NOT BE TAKING PICS. I think that would make YOU blush KJ!!! Now on second thought maybe I will! LOL I do have a neighbor who dyed hers hoping to spice things up with the hub….he never even noticed. I have thought of the dye since no one warned me that you go gray down there too and yes its gray!!!! So for now I’ll trim till one day someone gets me drunk enough to hop on a table and say “Let’er rip.” And yes..I am stinking blushing even writing this…are you happy now!!!!
Well let me see I often sport the bald eagle or the new recruit buzz cut . but back in the day I can recall shaving all but two points one on each lovely lip that I then braided and added a cool bead to so it matched the beads in my braided peaches n herb hair [think 70s n early 80s braids with lots of beads LOTS of beads then one time I took the beads out and it looked like a Fu Man Choo which I thought was very appropriate especially pronounce fool man chew
hehehehehe
I amuse myself I really do
However I would like to shave in the logo EAT @ THE Y
[Y]
[V} ooh wait I like this design better
oops that last one was uneven we can’t have that [V]
I’m ashamed to admit that after years of Brazilian waxing (once I took it ALL off — but when I looked down during sex I felt I was watching the work of a pedophile) I decided to do laser hair removal.
Well, when they tell you it’s permanent, IT REALLY IS!
I went to this place in Beverly Hills, and it seemed fine (maybe because of the address) but the woman was not too careful. If you think waxing hurts, this hurts like hell!
So I endure my 15 minutes of torture, and when she’s all done, I have a frickin BALD SPOT! No joke.
I eventually went to another place that had to shape my pubes into a Hitler stash to correct this, but even now you can tell there’s a corner missing.
How do you make a pubic comb-over?
Crucify me, but I think that women don’t do this for themselves. It’s always to either impress a new beau, keep up with trends (so we can talk about it to our BFFs) and similar. I say that after enduring a full Brazilian wax. I mean, everything came off, and it wasn’t the embarrassment but the mediocre conversation I had to endure (with the wax technician).
Wax technician (smoothing on wax to one side of my punani: “So, do you live around this area?”
Me: “I don’t” (what do you say to people when your legs are spread open in a clinical environment?).
Wax technician: “Oh”….
Rips off wax…
I feel like tearing her head off with the same momentum.
Never again.
Now, I only shave the bikini line area and trim the pubes down. That’s it.
As for the excuse that people use about ‘pubic floss’ during oral sex. That’s just bullshit. Pulling out a pube isn’t like pulling out a brow hair. It’s a tough sucker.
Sorry, I just don’t see the point of paying someone to trim my pubes. Think it’s absurd and reflects the porno industry ideal, which is based on capturing scenes at the right angle. Regular folks don’t have sex like that or get their ass cracks waxed.
SOOOOOO…I (a man) do trim downstairs, to keep it looking nice, but have never tried to dye it or put shapes in it. I have never been with a woman who has done that either. I have only ever see pictures of said pubic works of art. I wouldnt mind if my wife got one, but it would be more for , “Oh cool, look at that.” factor and then we’d get down to buisness. Now that I think about it, it would give me something to look at while goin down on her….but that is niether here nor there.
For my suggestions for you, if you do deside to get fancy with ur wax job: 1. LIGHTNING BOLT, cuz its bad ass and u can make all kinds of puns about, “Helping you make some thunder to go with this lightning” LOL!
2. I thought this was funny, but not sure if u would like it….The Star of David. Nothing says Kinky Jew like a waxed Star of David above your pooter.
Anyway Thats my 2 cents. Keep up thye good work to all the Toy With Me Girls! XOXO
ALAH (A_LAH on Twitter)
i like alah’s suggestions.
i have to say i like a clean playing field.
J. Love’s onto the new trend in pubic hairdos. And she’s got a name for it:
Vagazzling. Or is it Vajazzling?
Yeah, well, as long as I don’t have to take a staple gun to my lady-bits in order to get the bling going on, then I’m cool… cuz that shit looks like it would HURT!!
Hahaha, that image is priceless!
Dee, I totally agree with you