After my son was born, my doctor was busily discharging me from the hospital and in the middle of her discharge instructions, she looked at me conspiratorially and said, “Now, NO sex until after your six week appointment.” I’d swear that she winked at me then, but maybe she had something in her eye, because I don’t know if it was my bleary, tear-streaked face, or blood-shot eyes that gave me away, or perhaps it was the three days worth of beard growth on my husband’s face, but the last thing on my mind (even BEYOND, hey, I wonder what would happen if I ate the DO NOT EAT packets in the medicine bottles?) was getting busy again.
I’d just pushed 8 pounds of baby out of my cootch; 8 pounds of baby that was now attached to my now-pancake-sized nipple, and I could barely waddle to the bathroom without weeping in pain, so, trust me, Good Doctor, the last thing I want to do is stick something up a hole that has now been stretched out, once again. My husband, The Daver, wasn’t in any better shape, as he’d suffered through the male version of pregnancy alongside me, although his penis had escaped the ordeal unscathed.
The Anal Beads Will Have To Wait
The first weeks home with a baby are always a blur unless you’re flush enough to afford live-in twenty-four hour care. They have always found me more focused on staying alive and not killing myself (or anyone else, for that matter) rather than giving a spectacular blow job. When given the green light by the doctor at my six-week postpartum visit, I’ve always dutifully filled my birth control prescription and just…waited. Just because my episotomy has healed and my vagina has stopped leaking afterbirth goo has never meant that I was particularly ready to jump back into the sack, nipple clamps and anal beads at the ready.
My Boobs Are Leaking
Before you write me off as a prude, hear me out: it’s just that by six weeks, my body is nowhere near back to feeling like, well, my own again. Always one to turn pregnancy into a full-body experience, it takes me at least a year to get the *ahem* sixty pounds of baby weight off, and until that point, I sort of feel like an Oompa-Loompa, only less orange. Or maybe a Weeble, only less plastic. Feeling fat, even if it’s baby fat, isn’t something that’s ever made me particularly feel sexy and never something I’ve been able to forget even while on the receiving end of toe-curling orgasms. My breasts themselves, always known as fun-bags in my house, have turned into two leaky taps, occasionally spurting forth liquid if the wind (or mood) hits them just right. Being doused with breast milk, while certainly it has a fetish market, has never been my idea of foreplay. Nor were the lilting crescendos of my screaming baby reaching a fever pitch in the background just as I was working my elastic waisted pants off.
I Just Want To Survive
My babies have also all been particularly clingy, soothed at first only by nursing, which meant by the time that I was able to dislodge their tiny mouths from my beefy nipple and tiptoe carefully away the absolute last thing that I wanted was to touch (or be touched by) another person. Besides, if I’ve been given the rare opportunity to be alone in a bed with my husband without my children present, it’s more likely that we’d be snoring before you could say “lube that bad boy up.” In the grand scheme of things, for me at least, the first year of life with a new baby, having sex swinging from the rafters roleplaying as the Easter Bunny and a can of Spam kind of takes a back seat to surviving.
It Has To Be Normal right?
For some strange reason, this always has made me feel sort of, I don’t know, guilty, I guess. It’s not as though Dave hasn’t been unfailingly kind about it because he is just as preoccupied by the whole “survival” thing as I am. And it isn’t as though my Mommy Friends all have sex swings with which they regularly taunt me with stories of steamy trysts of threesomes with hot college babysitters (after, of course, the kids are in bed). I’m pretty sure that I’m just another one of the bleary-eyed, mini-van driving masses to tired to get off.
To make matters even weirder, I know better than to beat myself up too much about this.
My Inner Sex Kitten Will Be Back
There are five whole years between Kid One and Kid Two. Five years, sixty pounds, and two different men. I’m fully aware that after about that one year mark, just as I’m blowing the candles out on that first birthday cake, I will bring the sexy BACK once again. My inner sex kitten will be released and we’ll be roleplaying Dora and Boots again in no time. Once, of course, the children are snugly in their wee beds, dreaming no doubt, of sugar plums and candy.
Certainly, things have changed in the years since I’ve had my children. Gravity hasn’t been *ahem* kind, and babies have stretched out corridors that maybe were once a little tighter (some might make a hotdog down a hallway joke here, but that is neither here nor there), and my stretch marks clearly show that I have been through, well, a battle. Three times.
I don’t look like a twenty year old any more, and that’s probably good, because I’ll be thirty next year. And really, who the hell wants to be twenty again? Maybe I’ll a little softer in places, a little rounder and a little looser, but I have something that no plastic surgeon can ever fix: confidence. And fulfillment. That, my friends, is sexier than any set of hooters I’ve seen.
Except that shot of Sarah Palin that you guys ran last week. JESUS WEPT, people. That was HOT.
So dish, Toy With Me-ers, to Your Aunt Becky, and tell me, how was sex after baby for you?
Thanks so much for visiting us! We are working hard to bring you the best in sex, snark and hilarity along with sex toy reviews of the latest and greatest sex toys that are available. Never miss a thing by subscribing to my RSS feed, or by having it delivered right to your inbox. Want to get social with me? I would love it if you followed me on Twitter! Have a suggestion? Questions about our sex toy reviews? Just want to say hello? I would love to hear from you.
Related posts:
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
The baby is 4 months old and I think we’ve had sex maybe 5 or 6 times. There’s something about that bassinet and my nursing bra that just doesn’t do it for me.
I think the fact that I’m still lugging around the baby weight AND she doesn’t sleep until 10PM really puts a damper on our swinging from the rafters.
Umm… I’m 8mo post-partum and still not thinking about sex. At all. AT ALL.
Becky,
After the first, we were back at it in a few weeks. After my 2 yo., it took me a bit longer to feel up to it. I was already 41 and my body was not cooperating. In between being sore and unable to walk after the second (my birthing coaches got a little excited and played make a wish with my legs during the birth), we talked about sex and cuddled a lot.
hmm.
well i have to say, that once everything was said and done, the sex was far, far better after we had a kid. yes, i said BETTER.
it was a long road to be sure but the destination was even even more breathtaking than it looked in the brochure.
the funny thing is that finally, after nearly 14 continuous years of being together exclusively, my “cycle” finally matches my wife’s: when she’s totally not in the mood, i am generally not either.
it wasn’t always that way!
ken
“Baby” is now 13 1/2 months old, and we are JUST now getting back to basics, plus some. It was really hard (no pun intended!) on me this go around for some reason. Maybe because baby numero uno is nine? That might be it.
I’ve feelin it though. The sex kitten in me is coming back. Thank GAWD! Cause, like you, I won’t be 30 till next year too, and I wasn’t ready to give up the role playing just yet!
Loved this post, btw. I know so many mom’s can relate to this!
After my first, we didn’t even wait the full 6 weeks to have sex again, though, I was 19 and a newlywed. After my second and third, it was just after the 6 week checkup. After my fourth, I was still so sick that I could barely eat or drink, and that went on until she was 18 months old, so sex was scarce.
I do have to say that pregnancy sex did not agree with me. It was extremely painful with all of my pregnancies except my last, and I was sick with that one. So we only did it a couple times during each pregnancy. After the babies were out, even with the leaky breasts, and added baby weight, I was ready to get back at it. Not as regularly as normal, but far more than when I was pregnant.
You know, sometimes it was fantastic. Depended on the birth itself, and of course, the man. That sounds like I’ve had ten baby-daddies or something but no, no I have not. Only two. For me, giving birth was like being given a new knowledge of what my body is all about. I had new respect for it, I had new appreciation for it. Does this make sense?
In some ways, giving birth was like being reborn myself. And sometimes, that was a very, very good thing.
I’ve never had children and, at 60, dementia prevents me from recalling when I last had sex, but I did enjoy reading your very well-written article. Good job, Aunt Becky. – Jayne
I don’t know. I was pregnant again so soon. Im beginning to wonder if I’ll ever want it again!
With our first, we got jiggy before the six weeks were up, just not frequently. A taste here, a taste there; and boom, I was preggers inside three months. That really killed the sex drive, I tell ya what. While brewing the second, The Sex was scarce, and then I did the PPD dance, and it was even scarcer. It didn’t help that the stupid doc sewed me up badly. Now brewing #3, I WANT The Sex, but it’s painful because of Stupid Doc and scar tissue. Ain’t that just my luck.
I think the fear of being pregnant again is part of what’s keeping us from doing the horizontal bop again. 3 was IT. And birth control sometimes fails.
It was about 4 months after DS1 was born before I felt like having sex and even then I wasn’t really into it much. Then I got pregnant almost immediately. Pregnancy kills my sex drive. It gives me aversions to all sorts of things and cravings for nothing. 6 weeks after DS2 was born I caught a case of bronchitis that lasted 8 months. Nothing sexier than a nagging hacking cough. DS2 was about 15 months old before I felt back in the swing. It was hard for DH. He’d like it daily if not 4 times a week at least (which never happened, not even in our 20s) so it led to a lot of tension in our marriage.
Really, will I ever want to have sex again? Will it come back to me? Because it’s been 7 months now and I have absolutely no desire to do anything in bed besides sleep. It almost kinda grosses me out to even think about it. Or maybe it’s just my husband. Maybe he’s just not doing it for me anymore (was he ever doing it for me to begin with?) Hmm. Now those are some thoughts to ponder.
It comes back again, I promise. It does. Mimi is hitting 8 months now and my sex drive is returning as the weight is (fucking FINALLY) coming off now.
My suggestion is to start at the beginning again. You’re not the same person you were before your kidlet was born.
All good things happen in time.
Or at least, all the “I’ll get you next time”’s will happen in time.
Is there any way that this article could be wiped off the internet so that my boyfriend will NEVER run across it?? I’m already having trouble convincing him that 30 is tooooo long for me to wait to have babies. Ha!
WOW! I must say that this is all very therapeutic for me! I’ve been feeling like a total douche princess because I just don’t have it in me to be/feel/do sexy.
I’m so glad you wrote this!
I’m starting to feel like less of a freak, too, Crissy. Which, yeah, I REALLY know better and should pull my damn head out of my asshole.
The Internet is awesome for this stuff. All I need to do is say something like, “I wanted to be a Trophy Wife” and SOMEONE tells me “ME TOO” and I feel normal.
*sighs happily*
Internet, I love you.
Just curious, for those who have had a c-section how long before sexy time was on the brain again?
Jules is about 4 months old and we have had sex MAYBE ten times. ITs like starting all over though, my baby weight its STILL THERE my belly is so unattractive that I wear tank tops, cant wait to loose it and feel sexy enough to WANT sex.
Not even having two children gave me a set of knockers. I prayed daily that my boobs would grow to a massive size, but nope, I’m still stuck at a 36AA. Little girls in the second grade have bigger boobs than me…..and that sucks. Why on earth did God give Sara Palin those boobs, when I could benefit more than she could ever benefit. Plus, my husband would have fun playing with them, and that, my friends, would be awesome.
We tried to have sex before the 6 week appointment, but the doctor had sewed me up too tight (sounds good but it’s NOT, oh it’s not) so the pain coupled with the exhaustion and lack of libido due to breastfeeding resulted in a “do what you want, but be quick about it and DON’T EVEN THINK about touching the boobs” policy for the first 6 months. At that point my period came back, and it brought a shadow of my former libido with it. I had to wait until I completely stopped breastfeeding and pumping at 9 months for it to return in all its former glory.
I am now expecting #2, and I am one of the lucky ones that really enjoys sex while I’m pregnant, so I see it as a tradeoff. I get 9 months of hit-the-ceiling sex in exchange for the 9 or so months afterward when I could really care less.
I would have to say that my sex life did not kick back into full gear until my kids were about 7 and 4 years old.
We started having sex soon after the 6-week appointment, but it still isn’t as fun and exciting as it used to be. Mostly because I am so damn tired all the time. I am looking forward to the day when we can focus more on our sex lives and less on sleeping off the torture our children have dealt out all day…so in about 15 years or so, I guess
I thought it was a rite of passage for all postpartum and breastfeeding mommies to squirt their significant other with milk during sexy time. At least please tell me I’m not alone.
After my first monkey (who was just shy of 10 lbs), I waited 7 weeks. After monkey #2, it was only 4 weeks. Although, until nursing was established, the girls were left out of the rotation.(See rite of passage above – because it is only funny the first three times it happens…)
Getting doused by the Milk Fairy is only funny the first handful of times.
Aunt Becky . . . will you marry me?! I seriously think I could have written the EXACT same post. I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for almost 5 years straight. From that statement it could be inferred the the hubs and I fuck like bunnies, but the truth is that we fuck once every 12 months-or-so, and end-up pregnant as a result. I am almost 6 months post-partum, and wouldn’t touch my husband even if he was covered from head-to-toe with peanut butter and chocolate – despite the fact that I am indulging in said treat almost every-damn-day (no wonder I am fat and don’t feel sexy.) At this point, I don’t care if I ever have sex ever again.
After Baby #1 we waited about 8 weeks (because 9 pounds worth of baby coming out of my Princess HURT.) I think we stuck to the same for Baby #2, and the only reason we had sex after Quinn was because I was desperate to get pregnant again (I seriously just laid there.) The months after Baby #2 were the only ones that I had any sort of sex drive . . . some of it was even directed towards my husband.
Have I gotten the sexy back, fourteen months later? No, and I bet I don’t until crotch parasite sleeps through the night. I am sure nothing makes me sexier and more interested than sleep. Nothing.
I had exactly the same experience as you except c-sections and nipples the size of salad plates.
You made me laugh until I snorted.
In my one and only experience, when your new baby screams six to eight hours a day for four months, sex is the last thing on everyone’s mind!
Running away seemed like the only orgasmic path at the time
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!! Nicole, totally laughing out loud. I feel the same way. Nothing, but NOTHING is more appealing to me than sleep. If either my 4 yr. old or 1 yr. old would sleep, then maybe? But then I’m still nursing and I just kind of want only one person sucking on me at a time…
And Kyslp — thank you! All y’all talking about wow, only 10 times in a couple months. Well, good for you, but, uh… that sounds like a lot to me! I so never understood the babies a year apart thing!
Anyway, THANK YOU AUNT BECKY!!!!! LOVE YOU!!!!
I think something’s wrong with my cootch since having my baby a year ago (via c-section by the way). Having sex feels like having a burning knife inserted in me. Oh, the fun. It’s literally unbearable. I need to go to the doctor, no? Also, breastfeeding has made me starve so I’ve gained 20+ pounds since giving birth. I feel like a beached whale. I’m bringing sexy back in 2010 folks!! Seriously!!
The kid is 8. I’m still waiting for Sexy to show it’s face around here again.
Man, it’s pathetic… I have absolutely no idea how long we waited after my son was born. It was at least the recommended six weeks, though, because I vaguely remember my husband mentioning that now we have the green light, right?
Well, *I* have the green light.
He? Didn’t.
And after the twins come in April… well, let’s just say he’d better be enjoying my preggo-charged libido while he can.
This is awesome! Thank you for writing this! And honey, you are absolutely right, confidence is sexy as hell. You rock!! ~Susan
First kid was born in Florida. After, my doula pulled me aside and said, “You’re not gonna want to, but FIND A WAY. Your husband deserves it.” Now I felt like someone had left a block of wood in my cootchie. I even asked at my follow up check up. I was given the All Clear down in LadyLand, but it didn’t feel right for a long time (it has since recovered, thank you).
Blow Jobs Anyone?
Second kid was born in Buenos Aires. At the childbirth prep classes, the other couples were asking, “How long do we have to wait after . . .”
The reply there: as soon as you want. No six week wait for them.
I know a milk-soaked, squishy tummied, exhausted mother doesn’t feel very sexy. But the more you do it, the sexier you will feel. And generally, the truth is, the fella is so damn glad to be there . . . the one worried about how you look is you.
And, yeah, I loved having sex while pregnant, although the kid probably didn’t like getting banged on the head.
Only time in my life my stomach didn’t jiggle.
aunt becky, it’s things like, “i ate like a motherfucker and put on 60 lbs when i was preggo” that make me even more in love with virtual you.
sex after baby? after baby what? baby starts kindergarten? baby learns to drive? surely you don’t mean sex after baby has hurled down your vagina like a jamaican boblsed. my husband likes to refer to the immediate post-partum stage as “Punched Out Vagina” because really, it’s pretty well useless. i won’t even consider sex until i stop peeing myself when i cough.
well, see, i just realized what a dirty fucking liar i am because my two youngest kids are only a year apart. yes, ok, i admit: we are like dirty rabbits with all the humping. or maybe i rolled in the wet spot. i don’t know. either way, i’m pretty sure i was asleep.
in answer to toywithme – NOT yet and its been almost 3 years.
I swear he put me back together wrong…..
But I was almost 37 when I had DS . Maybe that has something to do with it ?
Great article, great comments too – thanks Aunt Becky for another fabulous article that made me laugh so hard I snorted!
A year sounds a bit long for me, but I never understood my doctor who was pregnant again a few weeks after popping her latest.
i feel like i’ll never b as confident as i once was…when i was skinny…but after kiddo #2, i realized that things r the way they r – i’ve carried & birthed 3 kiddos – i’m not gonna b the same…still working on the baby weight & my youngest is 5, but we have a very active & fun sex life now – confidence is definitely key!
& that pic of Sarah Palin IS hot – good grief mama!!!
UGH..I had forgotten (in just a mere 15 months) how hard adjusting to a new baby in the house is. I’d like to think it will be easier for #2, but I’m not holding my breath.
The good thing about having all your babies before you turned 30 is that you already have a huge advantage over people like me….who only began at 30! Your body and metabolism are still young enough to snap back into shape. I’m looking to have #2 at 33! Yikes sista!!!
Umm, I just like that you made that Avitable reference. Brad and I laughed about throwing a hot dog down a hallway for a good two weeks.
I think we had sex before the six-week point after #1, mostly out of curiosity. With #2 and #3, it was probably right around six weeks. With this one (five months yesterday), I think we’ve done it twice. I just have NO interest. Zero. And my, um, anatomy seems to have changed this last time somehow. Not as enjoyable.
I have no idea how much of it is the med I’m on, how much is the fact that we have four children (at least two of whom end up in our bed pretty much every night), how much is that I’m 33 now (was a month shy of 25 with #1), and how much is that we’ve just gotten really complacent after 11 years of marriage. I have no idea. I wish I wanted to do it; I really do. I just don’t.
ok.. i am veryyy late getitng to this post and I only read the first comment before I had to announce to commenter #1 that 5 ro 6 times in a 4 month period considering you must take the first 6-8 weeks off is pretty damn good. my hubby was banging his head off the walls. he was lucky if he got it once a month that first year.