Do you guys remember that movie called Benny & Joon, starring Johnny Depp and Mary Stuart Masterson (plus Aidan Quinn, Julianne Moore, Oliver Platt, and William H. Macy but really who cares about the other people because it has Johnny *swoon* in it. I really only watch stuff that has Johnny in it because it has Johnny in it)? It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and I quote lines from it a lot–my favorite being “having a Boo Radley moment, are we?”
Hahahahahahaha! It gets me every time. My entire life is a Boo Radley moment, I swear.
I even named my kittens Benny and Joon because I got them just after the film came out. (I know it’s weird, but fuck off. They’re cute names.)
Anyway, the movie, in case you’ve never seen it, is about a mentally disabled woman, Joon, living in the care of her brother, Benny. One evening Benny loses a poker game and winds up having to take care of his poker buddy’s super- weird but not totally nuts cousin, Sam, who is played by the Deppster. I don’t know exactly what Joon suffers from, but it might be something like Asperger’s. Sam is just kind of quiet and uneducated although very smart. Sam and Joon are immediately drawn to one another and begin a secret romance. Benny eventually finds out and rails against Sam for taking advantage of his sister when really, Sam just understands and appreciates her multitudinous quirks since he has quite a few of his own. Problems arise when Joon decides she wants to live a more normal life with Sam, and Benny struggles to protect her from the real world which she has been totally unable to deal with.
I’m not gonna tell you how it ends in case you want to see it.
What’s interesting about the movie is that it raises some important issues about the disabled and their perfectly natural desire for sex and romantic love despite whatever challenges they may have.
I remember when my grandmother was in a nursing home in the Alzheimer’s unit. It was severely frowned upon for the patients to have romantic contact with one another, even though they so clearly wanted it. They separated my grandmother from her boyfriend which I thought was kinda mean. WHY CAN’T MY CRAZY GRAMMA HAVE A FUCK BUDDY? What’s she gonna get, pregnant? Crabs? Her maidenhood stolen?
Like two star-crossed lovers, somehow they kept finding each other and going for a roll in the hay, despite the staff’s best attempts. She didn’t recognize her own children, but this last love interest in her life brought her happiness in that awful haze of dementia. From the looks of it, a LOT of happiness.
Would it have killed the staff to turn the other cheek? Slip ‘em a bottle of astroglide now and then?
Why is love and sex for the disabled such a taboo subject? Why do people get the heebies when they even think about it?
Are they not human? Do they not need physical, sexual contact just like everyone else?
I believe they have a right to their own sexuality–it’s cruel to deny anyone their fundamental and natural urge to procreate or share physical love. Yet, we don’t educate them the same, and that tends to make them particularly vulnerable to sexual health risks, unintended pregnancy, and sexual exploitation.
How sad is that?
In the UK, there’s a controversial new social policy document called Putting People First: Transforming Adult Social Care that provides funding to help meet the disabled person’s needs, whatever they may be.
Including visits to a prostitute.
Yes!
And folks over there are getting their knickers all twisted up in knots because they don’t want to pay taxes for a mentally challenged guy to get laid by a Dutch hooker, and I kinda see their point.
I don’t think I’d be too thrilled about it either. I mean, yes. Love and sex are basic human urges and everyone has the right to be a part of such things, but hey–some people NEVER find that. There’s no social program to help the rest of us get lucky, so why should the government (or in reality, the taxpaying populace) help the mentally disabled in this way? Aren’t there some people who, through no fault of their own, are just physically and socially repulsive? Are we going to send them to the whorehouse with a stack of Benjamins too? (Of course in the UK it wouldn’t be Benjamins, now would it? What’s the slang for money in Britain? I have no idea. A stack of Elizabeths?)
I just have trouble drawing a line for where to stop the “assistance” because there’s plenty of us fully functional folks out here who are struggling too. For example, I can’t do math for shit, but nobody has offered to get me a mathematician for me to have my way with for a few hours: balance the checkbook, do the taxes, show me his slide rule…
And please don’t get me wrong, Toy with Mes. I think it’s a lovely thought and in a perfect world, everyone would get help with their problems, but the fact is that life sucks and it sucks for everyone in some way. We can’t fix it all. There must be a better way to help these folks fulfill this basic need without the government sponsoring it. Maybe they can have some sex ed classes and the people who graduate get some birth control and go to a mixer or a special singles club and find a mate that way. There may even be a chance at a Benny & Joon love affair instead of an emotionless encounter with a hooker. That just seems like it might do more damage than good.
I’m just thinking out loud here, you guys… I don’t claim to know anything about social policy or dealing with disabled people. In fact, I’m a little anxious around them because I’m so scared I’ll say or do something accidentally offensive and I don’t want to be that asshole.
I thought it would be an interesting thing to bring up to you Toy with Mes. You always have such great perspectives on stuff (plus you’re hot and I love it when you sip your coffee that way). Do you guys get the heebies when you think about disabled people doing Sexy Time? Do you think the British government should be sponsoring visits to Amsterdam brothels? Do you think they should at least take them to British brothels and help the local/national economy? Where do you draw the line?
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About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I believe the slang for British Pounds is "quid."
As for the rest. Well, considering I'm the one with the fisting accident, I won't ever judge. Sex positivity for all! (as long as there's no exploitation taking place, of course.)
It is "quid" but "a stack of quid" didn't sound right in my head. But then again, nothing sounds right in my head, so I can't go by me.
Yeah, true. I've never heard "stack of quid." But who says you can't have one! :0)
I say you can’t have one, after all it’d be rather heavy… A pound is a coin so a stack of them? Not so easy to carry! A stack a dosh mind you? We could do that
(your resident English flower here)x
A stack of Benjamin's sounds even odder to me. Especially since it would be abbreviated to 'a stack of Bj's' and then the conversation has taken an entirely different turn!
the only thing better than a bj is a stack of them.
you can quote me on that.
I make a "living" working with adults living with disabilities. My job is is to set up these mixers and other outings where they get to hang out with their peers. I always get really giddy anytime we get a new couple (i.e. me running into my boss' office yelling we have DATERS). My program is open 5 days a week, has over 300 members and operates on a federal grant of a little over 100,000 annually. This is probably a little cheaper for the tax payers than, oh, I don't know, renting a bunch of hookers. Of course, I don't know how much hookers charge, so I could be wrong.
On another note, can you imagine the person whose job it would be to set up these encounters?
Hahahahahaha! Right? "Hi, um. I'm calling for a friend?"
I think one of the points you make especially strikes me–when we treat these folks differently and refuse to provide them with the same education, we are endangering them.
But I do think it's hard to talk about for some people and I also know that we have a tendency to forget that a physical disability alone does not equate to a mental one. There's definitely a lot of education to be done all around.
I'm confused. I thought prostitution was illegal in the UK. so why would tax dollars go to help *anyone* visit a prostitute? ooh unless they're using the mentally disabled as a sting to trap and arrest prostitutes. and to that I ask, is that really fair to the mentally disabled? shouldn't they be able to know the risk involved?
seriously though, I do think prostitution should be legal and regulated.
but really, everyone is entitled to a consensual sex life. I think what concerns a lot of care givers is that their friend or relative or ward isn't capable of giving consent. that's a valid fear to an extent. no one wants someone they love and care for to be a victim. but I think many of these care givers have a hard time letting go. they've given so much and now someone wants to live alone or have a girlfriend. that's scary, but it's also part of life (even though the growing up cycle is much different when you suffer from a disability).
now if we're talking physical disability or the elderly, I think people are just bigoted. difference freaks people out and so people with difference having sex freaks people out more. but that's just unacceptable.
The folks in the UK are taking their clients to Amsterdam for their hooker visits.
Yeah, but I get what Andy is saying…then why the tax dollars going toward prostitution? If the citizens of the UK are so morally opposed that it's illegal, that might be where part of the uproar is coming from. I like the mixer concept that Kristin wrote about. It's just more meaningful that way–and frankly, it's demeaning to assume that all differently-abled people would need the help of a prostitute. I volunteered for the ARC for a little while (I was the clown for all their events) and honestly, there were a couple ladies' men. They were real smooth. None of those guys need any help of that nature. Mixers all the way, but don't assume that just because they're mentally differently-abled they wouldn't be able to fend for themselves within their community and the sexual sphere they make for themselves, just like everyone else.
here here!
Shouldn't they shop locally?
i do think that people unable to care for children should not be having children.
the problem is, what makes someone unable to care for a child?
there are countless people physically/mentally ABLE to take care of their children who CHOOSE not to. should those people be weeded out too? how about the people who are already technically parents but don't give a shit about their kids?
it seems that attempting to make clear rules or guidelines is fraught with disaster.
do we, as a society, have a right to limit procreation? up to now, long term methods are invasive and likely to be impossible to reverse. perhaps if they were easier to administer things would be different.
where does the right of the parent end, and the right of the child start?
Good questions, Queen. Maybe happiness should not be guaranteed by the taxpayers, but the pursuit of happiness certainly should be promoted by government.
As for the heebies about sex between people with disabilities, my girlfriend has muscular dystrophy and cannot lie down without a ventilator hooked to her tracheotomy tube. She cried when she had to start using it because she thought I wouldn't want to make love to her anymore. But Jeezus! I love her! Why would I stop wanting to make love to her? But that's just me. Tessa has numerous examples of people who giggle when they hear that she conceived and birthed her son (now 13). He looks like me, but his bio dad is a hispanic man with cerebral palsy. Confuses the hell out of people
Short answer: It still creeps people out until they fall in love with someone with a disability. And if we live long enough that is going to happen to all of us.
Love this column!
Thank you, Fred! That must have been so hard for your poor girlfriend. She probably doesn't feel very sexy with her ventilator on. Good for you for being awesome.
First time I have read your blog, but just wanted to say this is a great post. I read blog posts all day for blogcatalog, but this was my favorite of the day.
that's so awesome you named your kittens benny and june! fantastic movie!
i don't like to think about anybody, disabled or not, having sex. unless it's me, johnny depp, brad pitt, ed norton, and sean penn. but i'm all for the idea of it for anybody. but i'm with you: not to paid for by the gov. any funding should go to sex ed and safe sex.
Couple things I just wanted to splat on ur blog:
1. being that in some cases there are 'disabled bodies' and then their are 'instituionalized' disabled. The later being severe disabilities that yes, indeed they do have a 'need' but they become animalistic and violent with their needs, and are kept away from the opposite sex because they WILL maim or rape, or harm whomever they can have "rapey time' with. THIS being the negative aspect of 'disabled' people gettin' it on.
2. I've had a fantasy.. rather, a book idea, forming in my head in regards to a regular Jane Schmo who for whatever reason, has decided to take it upon herself and become a 'Lady of the Evening" for people with a wide variety of disabilities. One being blind, deaf, paraplegic and quadraplegic, etc. She'd find the 'interesting' aspects of each man.. of course, they would all be totally HAWT and have some great appendage, or ability to make her want to try out new people with different ABilities as opposed to DISabilities.
Lastly, I don't think ANY government should condone paid sex for anyone. Cause, honestly? I know SOOO many people who would be the first in line at the Disabled Counter, waiting to prove they are disabled so he could get free, paid-for sex. THEY are just stupid, they are not disabled. There sometimes are fine lines, and then there are THICK lines of stupidity!
We have a friend who was partially paralyzed in an accident. He's handsome; but unfortunately he was injured in his prime (early 20's) and never REALLY had a girlfriend. I've always said to my hubby I'd love to give that guy a really great blow job (senses ARE alive down there) just because he deserves it. Is that wrong of me? The government wouldn't even have to pay me! It's out of the goodness of my heart, and honestly, my curiosity is killing me.. what if the poor guy is hung like a horse and no one will find out cause they can't get beyond the wheelchair?
As usual, you bring out some very good ideas!
Kudos to you and your blog!
Jenny
I LOVE Benny and Joon! But I think she was schizophrenic?
I'm in school for Occupational Therapy and there is an entire chapter in one of my text books on teaching adaptive techniques for sex when you have a disability. The pictures are fun haha. You're right it's a natural human right, but federal funding for prostitutes? Yeah, that's going too far.
And see, i had a think for Benny…yummm.
Couple things here…
1. I worked as a home health aide for a 42 year old man with very advanced MS. He had use of one hand (kind of.) and his head and that’s it. Once, when i was changing his brief, he said ‘please don’t take this as sexual harrassment.’ and then proceded to ask me to manscape. So I did. Apparently he was meeting up with someone he went to school with. I dont know if he actually got laid or not, or how he’d get laid (or any variation of) but fuckin’ good for him for putting himself out there.
2. At the nursing hone i worked in, we’d frequently find people in each other’s room’s, doing the dirty. Of course, we gave them ‘privacy please’ signs, but most of the time they forgot. The staff that had an issue with it werent normally there for long. I think if it made their lives in that hell hole a little better, screw away. After a bazillion years on this planet, you kind of get the right to do it to a consenting whomever. Also, I once got done helping a resident undress, get changed, and ready for bed. As i rolled him over and tild him goodnight, he shouted, very loudly, ‘that was the worst handjob i’ve ever gotten!’…i died.
3. I think everyone should have a sexual experience with someone else in their lifetime. I also think that everyone should be informed about sex and all it’s whatsits. I don’t think people with DS should be pushed away from having consenting sex, because i know a few disabled people more responsible and adult than some of the skanky ladies i see getting knocked up.