Let Me Tell You About My Sex Dreams

Don’t you guys love it when somebody is all “Oh. My. God!  I have to tell you about the crazy dream I had last night!” and you’re all like “WAIT! Don’t say another word!  I’m going to go make some popcorn!  I want to thoroughly enjoy this experience! Don’t spare a single detail!”

No?

Me neither.

In fact, when somebody tries to tell me about a dream they had, I head for the hills.  I’d rather get a gynecological exam from my dad (did the thought of getting a gyno exam from your dad just give you massive douche chills because I’m still convulsing over here) than sit and listen to somebody’s dream. I mean, real life is bizarre and confusing and hard to understand, never mind the dream world. Am I supposed to help you figure that shit out too?

BUT if it’s a SEX dream, and then I really am like “Hold on!  Let me get my popcorn first!” because I luuuurrrrrrve a good sex dream don’t you?  Even when they’re not my own, I still find them fun. I don’t want to hear how you could fly in the sky on the back of your pet fish who is also your uncle in your dream UNLESS you end up fucking it. Then, I’m interested.

As for me, I’ve had some great ones, I must admit. One of my favorites and funniest and most bizarre happened when I was pregnant. I had watched a movie with my daughter earlier in the day.  That night, I had a dream about doing Sexy Time with Prince Derek from Barbie and the Twelve Dancing Princesses.  Now, I realize that Prince Derek is a cartoon/Barbie doll, but I couldn’t help it!  It was the pregnancy hormones plus he had a lot of really pretty shoes.

Clearly, Prince Derek is a very dirty shoe fetish boy, but that doesn’t bother me one bit.  I’ll try shoes on for him all the live long day if he lets me keep a pair or two.  I think it makes him kinda sexy.  You felt a stirring in your netherbelows when you saw that picture of him, I know you did.  It’s okay.  You’re okay.  This is normal, especially considering that in the movie there was a lot of sexual tension between Prince Derek and all those dancing princesses.  Talk about a reverse gang bang!

I dare say every guy would like to be Prince Derek.  All he does is roll up with his bag of shoes and suddenly there are twelve beautiful virgins just lining up for a chance to get on his good side.  It’s like walking into a strip club with an 8-ball of coke!  Even if you’re not into strippers and blow, isn’t there some middle eastern religion that promises dudes will get 12 beautiful virgins in heaven and so they do horrendous and crazy things to get it?

I rest my case.

Prince Derek is a pimp who knows the way to a lady’s heart and I stand by my dream to this day. I’ll even wear the shoes while I treat him like the nobleman he is.

I’ve also had several recurring dreams about Pierce Brosnan, who, in real life, I find to be kind of dorky.  Like, I think he thinks he’s sexy and it shows in his eyes.  He’s got that squinty look to him like “I’m totally making Sexy Face right now, look at me!  It’s Blue Steel, dude!”

See?

That’s kind of nerdy, right?

But in my dreams, that Pierce Brosnan is one dirty motherfucker and I’ve mounted him like the stallion he thinks he is on many occasions.  I’ve even had wet dreams about him.

But my most favorite sex dream is not overtly about sex at all: it’s about driving.

In this dream, I am driving the shit out of some fabulous little sports car. The key is that it has a manual transmission.  I’m speeding up and down and all over the place and I’m loving every minute of it, baby!  I drive like the wind in my dreams!  I’m rowing the gears and double-clutching and heel-toe rev-matching and the tires are squealing and the exhaust is blaring.

I have this driving dream about once a month, so of course I had to look it up.  After consulting many different dream books, they all seem to agree that metaphorically, dreaming about driving a car is analogous to sex and sexual performance.  Clearly, this means I’m a wildcat in the sack, or at least I’d like to be.

Whatever it means, you bet your fine little Toy with Me asses that my next car will have a stick shift, and it will feel right at home gripped tightly in my right hand. I just have to get a little more confidence first. You know, so I don’t totally lose my shit if I have to (GASP) stop on a hill.

But that’s enough about my silly sex dreams.  Tell me about yours, dear readers.  Do you have them?  Do you have the same ones over and over again? What’s your favorite?  Do you wake up at tad bit, ahem, moist after these dreams? Do you think it’s normal for a 36 year-old woman to be having dripping wet dreams about Barbie princes with shoe fetishes?

C’mon. Fess up. I’ll go make some popcorn!

Photo source

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. God I hope not…

  2. Love it! Momma meets sexy! Perfect!

  3. If the dream were about the stick shift itself, it “wood” have been more sexual than just plain driving…no matter WHAT the books say. Even the Barbie-man and his sack full of micro shoes is way more interesting. At least he’s about the right size to use in a pinch.

  4. Two words… Jason. Statham. Ripped as I'll get out and that sexy accent just adds to his hotness haha!

  5. confidential101 says:

    If I could order a good sex dream (carry-out, of course), I'd have a SUPREME. That is one starring Matthew McConaughy (sp?) and MOI of course. Unfortunately, I keep getting stuck having them about men I don't even like, such as my ex-boss, EEECK!

  6. Please write a memoir, I will totally be first in line at the book signing.

  7. Ok then, that about covers it :)

  8. Seriously people let's help Nambrosia out here. The poor sweet girl is asking for a new fantasy…..let's get those imaginations churning.

    While Ken continues on with the furniture fantasy might I suggest …. a motorcycle (parked of course, otherwise that would be insanely dangerous – duh), an elevator (actually I've always wanted to do that – going up?), or how about a waterfall?

    Ok your turn……..

    • ok. I'm all about helping people. Let's see, what can we come up with……..

      What about if Nambrosia had a parents teachers conference, and when she went in to talk about how exceptionally gifted her child might be, she was late to the meeting and running down the hall, accidentally bumped into the janitor waxing the hallway. Knocking in to him popped her buttons, revealing her deep luscious cleavage, but she had to keep going in order to make the meeting.

      After the meeting, she was walking back down the hall and the janitor's arm reached out to pull her into the janitor's closet, where he ripped open the rest of the buttons, and pushed her bra down under her titties, and fell to his knees to suck them like there was no tomorrow.

      After about 20 minutes, when Nambrosia had her titties sucked nearly to ecstasy, she fell back onto a pile of soft mops, and the janitor pushed up her skirt pulling her panties to one side, revealing her nasty hot candy slit, dripping with sticky syrup, and he frenched her like a toy poodle does when humping someone's leg, except it was with his tongue. Hard and fast, then sucking her little gum drop, then back to frenching her petite hard candy. Sucking and frenching. Sucking and frenching. Sucking and frenching.

      Then the janitor gets so hot he makes noise like a beast in the jungle, and he moves himself into a sitting position pulling Nambrosia onto his lap where she goes up and down hard and fast, whilst he sucks her titties until they both cum hard for about 3 minutes. Sucking and Fucking.

      On the soft clean mops.

      When they recover, Nambrosia gets ready to leave, but the janitor pulls her back onto the mops, flips her over onto her hands and knees and does it doggie style, until they both cum again harder than the first time.

  9. To preface this dream, I must say that I do not have a thing for Justin Beiber. He is pretty much the opposite of everything I like.

    A few weeks ago, I dreamt I was having a love affair with him. He woo’d me, and we strolled happily along, when the conversation went to sex. Then, he said something about my pussy…

    Um, yeah. No thanks. That dream can go to someone else.

  10. I dont really dream, passout n snooze the night away… I do have a very good male “friend” though who’s had “those” dreams about me… Quite a few. It’s a good thing to have a staring role in some elses dreams right…? :s

    • Awkward!

      Maybe when he shares his dreams about you he's trying to tell you something. What do you think?

    • When I was in college I went thru a phase when I would flash guys a lot. On AC's hall there were these 2 guys. From time to time I would flash them cuz you just know they'd never seen boobs before and every one should see boobs… anyway, 1 of their roommates came and yelled at me 1 day b/c guy #1 had had a sex dream and woken him up yelling my name.

  11. well, we all know how *I* feel about having another guy in the room. ;)

  12. absolutely they dream about other guys!! And fel guilty about it…..

  13. btw, you look positively delectable in that picture.

  14. Wow! Now, that's intense. I want your dreams!

  15. Nambrosia says:

    I recently had a totally fuckered sex dream. At first I was fooling around with my current boy toy and things were going fabulously. I then was rudely awoken by a screaming newborn. She cock blocks in RL AND in my dreams now.

    After I returned to La La Land I find myself THRUST into a sex dream…starring my EX BOYFRIEND (whom I loathe and despise) trying to bend me over a dresser and…well…it was a horrible horrible thing. Considering I've had this "fuck me on a dresser" fantasy forever and ever and never could find a dude the right height and then my icky Ex stars in my sex fantasy dream and disturbs the FUCKALL out of me.

    Now I need a new Fantasy, because the old one is sullied. Any ideas?

  16. you need to be wearing strappy stiletto heels while you drive the shit out of that car.

    as for MY dreams, i actually don't remember having that many of them. maybe i jerk off too much?

  17. Question:
    If you have sex dreams about yourself, does it mean you masturbate too much?

  18. That's the stick I fantasize about as well!

  19. Whoaaaa….what a way for a dream to change course. Next time that happens, break out a toy to finish the fantasy.

  20. I’m gay, happily gay (do we still consider it tautology to say happily gay) or as Ricky Martin put it, ‘a proud gay man’ but screw me sideways every time I have sex dreams, it’s not nice strong thighs, firm pecs & bulging biceps I dream about. It’s gentle feminine curves, soft breasts that just fit into my hands & long flowing silky hair (okay maybe that part’s gay). I don’t know what it means, it doesn’t bother me, but who knows, maybe one day, I’ll fulfil my subconscious’ wishes & see how the other half lives or rather, lays.

  21. Oooh interesting topic – might have to steal it to post myself one day when I'm lacking inspiration. (typed inpsiraiton first – can't think today).

    Let's see – my last sex dream involved a gorgeous night sky, the newest guy to give me butterflies and a whole lot of kissing in areas that aren't meant to be seen in public.

  22. I always get cockblocked in my sex dreams! I think I have had maybe ONE sex dream that resulted in actually sex rather than blueballs, which is FRUSTRATING.

  23. The nastiest dream I ever had was set in the Wild West with a dentist named Dr. Pork Chop.

    • Did he give you a 'filling' ? Sorry, I couldn't resist.

      • ALL my cavities got filled, and then some! We were in a stable and Dr. Pork Chop really knew what to do with that big ol' drill.

        • A stable? Giddy up.

          • Well………Dr. Pork Chop was definitely NOT your one trick pony.

          • Sounds like Dr. Pork Chop was quite the steed!

          • That dream changed my life forever. Can't eat any kind of pork in public now, 'cause it triggers my candy slice, like you wouldn't believe.

            Gone are the days when I could order Four Happiness Pork, in a nice restaurant. Not even one bite of sweet and sour, or a nice hot steamy pork bun.

            It's just not safe for me to eat pig in public anymore, because of the Dr. Pork Chop dream.

  24. Even talk of sex dreams can't awaken my poor little vagina as she recovers from a UTI. But I once had a doozy involving Lloyd Dobler, Edward Cullen, and a life-sized My Little Pony castle.

  25. Its a silver Volvo S60R, right?

  26. I too have the epic of sex dreams when i am pgers!

  27. I had a dream that Tessa had a baby and I washed it in the washing machine. When the cycle was done, I go, "Shit that was the baby!" I took him out and shook him. He opened his eyes. Then I wondered if he would have cerebral palsy. Then I woke up. Sukt.

  28. You had me at "heel-toe rev-matching ."

    'scuse me while I take a nap.