Sometimes I let my husband talk me into stuff. Like this one time he talked me into letting him post sexy pictures of me on an amateur porn site. (HI MOM!)
What can I say? It was an experiment, and I’ve got to tell you it spiced things up quite a bit because it was a way to spend Sexy Time together without actually having Sexy Time. I got to feel like a pretty pretty princess and be fussed over and, as some of you might know, my husband is quite the little photographer and it always makes him happy to have someone other than our kids to take pictures of. Plus, he’s a raging hormone and if he can mix sex and photography, well? He’s one happy motherfucker. We like happy motherfuckers around here so we go along with it and we don our slutpanties and a little extra eyeliner and we smile and we let our husband show off his photography skills.
It was fun and good for both of us. And it’s awesome for your self- esteem, too. You wind up getting a group of admirers (read: weird desperate creepy guys, but admirers just the same) and you don’t have to be a particular shape or size, either. No matter what, there are always people out there who think your shit is hot. Some people even sent me porn stories. Some of them were terrifying, but others were totally hot. I kind of liked those.
But don’t you Toy with Mes go thinking I’m one of those Sickie Sickingtons posting pictures of my flapping crotchals because I’m not. That’s like, a whole ‘nuther thing. I don’t really know why people post full crotchal pictures like that because crotches, as a general rule, just aren’t pretty. Women do it, but a lot of dudes post pictures of their junk and only their junk.
Who wants to see that?
I, for one, am always yelling at my husband to put some pants on because it’s better to leave something to the imagination if you ask me. I would never show my goodies to the Internet.
The pictures were more like this:
I don’t actually look like that, so thank you photoshop/mad sick camera skillz! And fancy camera lenses! And lighting! And Jillian Michaels! And Victoria’s Secret! And Mary Kay! And my curling iron! And spray tan!
Because of all those things, I’m totally comfortable letting people see these pictures because why the fuck wouldn’t I be? If somebody took a picture of you like that, you’d about make it your Christmas card (which I tried to do but decided it wouldn’t be appropriate for my daughter’s Preschool class, the prudes), amiright?
Now some of you may be saying, “but Crissy! Not everyone has the lighting and the makeups and the slutpanties! We can’t all be like the Queen!” and to that I will say, “you are correct.”
Not everyone has the time and energy and the motivation to get all glammed up for a sexy photo shoot with a husband who has the ability to make an otherwise blown-out and exhausted mommy look like a sex kitten, and that’s okay.
You don’t need all that stuff to have fun with your partner and you most certainly do not have to post them on the internet. All you need is a camera and a sense of adventure and imagination and you can have a lot of fun with pictures. I highly recommend it if you feel so inclined, however there are some things you need to be careful of. Listen carefully, DO NOT LET THE WRONG PERSON GET A HOLD OF YOUR PICTURES! My husband got carried away a few times and he posted a few things that were meant just for us and I about had a cow because I told a couple of my friends about the postings and when they looked they were like “OH GOD MY EYES!” I about killed him. Twice.
But sometimes, that wrong person who got a hold of your pictures is you, and you wind up posting pictures of yourself that really? The world just isn’t ready for them. Since the modeling and the editing are done by two different people, this has not happened to me, but some people have made some Unfortunate Decisions that I have brought to you today so that we may ridicule them learn from their mistakes.
Check it:
This young lady is clearly not very detail oriented because she forgot to flush her shadoobie and pick her dirty laundry up off the floor… things that someone ELSE looking over the proofs would have pointed out. This is prolly not what she meant when she said “hey, y’all! Check my shit out!”
Here’s a picture of a young mom making some extra cash on the weekends:
I guess the she had a last minute babysitting crisis? She needs to start taking some of those dollars out of her thong and putting them into savings for the extensive therapy that kid’s gonna need.
Here’s a hot tranny mess for you.
I think I might need therapy now. What else can you say? Such an interesting mish-mosh going on… is that a c-section scar??
This next lady seems to be laying on a stuffed animal or something.
Seriously, don’t these people ever put their kids to bed for chrissakes? I mean, I sort of get the milf thing, but I don’t think the milf-hunters want the kids THERE TOO.
Here’s another one:
We need to start a babysitting service for stupid sluts. Apparently, there is dire need…
This is one of my favorites because it fucked me up for life:
MOOOOBS!!! among other things that confuse me.
How ’bout this Studly McStuderson?
“And on our first Craigslist date, I will bring all of my guns and my guitars. So I have them.”
Sometimes I look back on having let my husband post some sexy pictures of me on the Internetz, and I wonder if it would have been better just to keep them to ourselves…
and then I see these pictures, and I just don’t worry as much.
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow!! That was so disturbingly funny.
Your picture looks great. Definitely NOT a fail!
Crissy truly is one sexy hot momma.
Ken, you have killer artistic photography skills. The way that you were able to keep her as the focal point of the image while at the same time being able to draw in the viewer with the poopy was ingenious.
This pictures speaks to me in some way. Respect Ken. Total respect.
it's all about the angles
As much as I hate you for showing me many of those pictures, I think it's so rad that you a) look awesome in the mister's sexy photos, b) have the confidence to let him post them places. Seriously. I think that's pretty badass of you.
it's VERY badass of her, ben.
then again, i knew who she was the day i met her.
And of course, realized your amazing luck!
One word Ben – Martinis
yeah … ummm … I have posted pics. It is empowering and amazing and scary as crap.
lol
Thankfully I have managed to exclude toilets and chilluns
Thrilling too!!
Amazingly so … I take too many for the thrill, not even to share… Shhhhhh
Lol – those are best ones!
Those are some absolutely horrifying pictures! All but yours, of course.
Backhair & Moobs – total freakazoid!
The best part about having a giant external hard drive filled with thousands upon thousands of pictures going back over ten years, your entire music collection and other horribly mish mashedly organized stuff such that if it wasn't digital people might think you have a hoarding problem is…. that one innocuously named folder buried 5 layers deep is going to go unnoticed. (Hopefully)
It also helps when your little one is not quite 3 yet.
Always good to have a system in place well in advance.
Okay, the dude with the guns and guitars on the ugly blue bed is obviously about to do the world a favor and shoot his dick off, so cut him some slack.
The theme here — except for the dude shooting his own dick off and the woman who posted the turdy picture — seems to be kids. The dude with the hair moobs and the back hair? Kids drawings on the wall. A kid's blanket on the bed. And pink granny panties? He's got a lot going on in his life right now.
And I don't mean to disturb anyone any more than you already have, Cri$$y, but someone needs to call the police about that picture with the lap dance. The dude sitting across from that dude getting the lap dance has a huge wet stain on his shirt. Meanwhile, the dude holding the baby has lifted up her shirt and seems to be trying for a little lap action of his own. But also, what's up with the black censorship bar? Babies can watch the whole thing but then modesty takes over?
Of course, you look totally hot.
I am so confused as to why the last guy has a gun. My head might explode trying to figure that out.
I'm still wondering who he thinks will find this attractive.
I have a hot picture of me, self taken on the iPhone, but no one to share them with, and I’m took nervous it’d be found on the interwebs if I posted it somewhere… I’d love a sexy photoshoot so I can remember my 25yr old body looking hot one day
that is an EXCELLENT reason to take some pictures of yourself:
you may not think you're that hot RIGHT NOW, but look back on it in 10 years and you'll be all "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!? i was SMOKIN!"
immortalize yourself while there's still time!
Brilliant idea Emma! I wish I had done so at that age.
Are flapping crotchals anything like beef curtains flapping in the wind?
I think you did a huge public service by posting beautiful pictures you are the balance here…the yin to all the rest of the yankers!
Some nasty ass terms – must get rid of mental image.
Those photos at the end of this post are fukken hilarious!!!!!!!
~shoes~
LMAO! I can't believe what some folks get up to with kids present. Please tell me at least a few of these are photoshopped! On the last one, those aren't even real guitars. They're Guitar Hero game controllers. Maybe the guns are toys as well.
Ahhh hahaha – I didn't even realize that about the guitars. Waaayy – to funny.
This made my morning. Except the hot tranny messes. Why did you do that to me?
Long live the Queen and sexy sexed-up pictures!
Maybe she start loaning her hubster out for photo sessions in hopes we can all look that hawt!
I’ll get in that que!
Uh oh, what have I started.
anybody live in new england?
Old England …
we really need to get back on the picture horse and update the portfolio.
we can start with some shots of you in that lovely new bikini…
I absolutely loved your husband's pictures, they are beautiful. Especially your little girl dancing with a hoola-hoop. The horrors you posted here, though, OMG! And I had just had lunch. Too funny,
I'm still trying to erase the "moobs" pic from my brain.
crissy forgot to mention she promised the internet she'd post a totally nude picture of herself on her blog if she won the blogger's choice awards.
she won.
she posted it.
it's still up.
Hot damn!!!! Must check this out
i'll save you some time
http://crissyspage.com/2008/10/20/crissys-stupid-…
Now that's freaking hawt!!!
I'm pretty creeped out by ALL of them (cept yours,of course)… Several reasons why I take SEVERAL (meaning 50 of MYSELF and check them over with fine tooth combs and reading glasses) to make sure they are post or email ready… LOL
MY EYES! MY EYES!
On the other hand, your photos were lovely.
Oh the poop one is SO bad. Don't those people know how to crop and edit. Your pictures are good.
Or delete!!
That is even a better ideal.
Yikes! That dude with the guns is FREAKY! He sure gets around the internet. But the mooobs? WTF? I'm totally disturbed.
Your pics are awesome. It's been a long time since I had hot photos taken. I think I was barely legal! LOL Ahh, 20 pounds and 20 years ago. *sigh* Ya, I thought my thighs were big then.
I'm 99% sure that the guy with the gun is the same guy who posted some Craigslist ad with a photo of him with his chest hair shaved into a heart shape.
Also, I totally want to have The Sex with you now. You're such a MILF.
Dude is very creepy. Probably has dead people in his basement
he definitely gets around!
Your picture is amazing, the others? Not so much!!!!
Come on, really? Even the moobs?!
hilarious. I love it
That last photo? Russel Brand in fifteen years. Poor, poor Katie Perry.
P.S. I'm having a hard time not hating you what with the witty, intelligent, AND beautiful thing going on. *sigh*
russel brand!?!?!
ahahahahahahhahahahahahahhAHHA!
so very true … also, so many fails
My husband is also a talented photographer. Last fall he took some super HOT photos of me. It was a ton of fun and really made me feel good about myself.
If you would like to see, email me. I'll send one along.
Hi!
First, I love this blog! But I also wanted to say that I have had the same exact experience. My husband loves taking sexy photos of me and posting them. I take only erotic pictures, as you mentioned, and not my vagina. I, however, don't show my face. It's flattering having all those admirers, as well. I never meet any of them, but some have been quite nice and others, well, a bit creepy. I'm only 26, so the older men love my thin body lol.
Best wishes always hun and keep up the great work!
Heather
Oh, I was able to see your husband's photos, Crissy. They are spectacular! My husband isn't so advanced. I can share a couple with you, though we are amateurs. But they are hot!
Heather