I feel like porn from the 70′s was awesome in a way that will never be repeated. It was a golden age, if you will. Women had gi – fucking – normous bushes that reached right over to the tops of their thighs. They had bad hair, weird skin, and were only moderately attractive, with their one primary attribute being their ability to go so far onto the “bad” side of the acting spectrum, that it actually looped right back around to “funny.” And that, my friends, was your average 1970′s porn. And it was fantastic. I don’t have to compete with those porn stars, because they look like me! Or, G-D willing, WORSE! Now, not only do I have to compete with women who have breasts large enough to warrant their own zip codes, air – brushed butts, and lipoed thighs, but now people, NOW, now I have to fucking learn how to squirt! Oh what the hell..?!
Have you watched porn lately? I don’t mean the amateur stuff from YouPorn, I mean some of the more serious stuff coming out. Not only do most of these women squirt when they orgasm, meaning actually ejaculate from their vaginas, they fucking gush buckets! 1. I don’t entirely see how that’s sanitary, nor how you can really clean up after an event like that, and 2. I’m sorry… EW. Why is this desirable? Why is this something that turns men on? In fact, if you’re a man, would you please leave a comment and let me know what about this seems awesome to you? I actually showed a clip to my husband, who managed a, “Wow” before returning to reviewing papers. I couldn’t really tell if that was his thing or not, but he didn’t start pawing at the screen and drooling out of one side of his mouth, so I’m guessing not.
Why Has Squirting Become Popular?
So, it’s not bad enough that now women have to get lipo, lip injections, hair dye, and designer vaginas, but now I have to be able to use that vagina to hit a moving target at seventy miles per hour with just my kegel muscles, and a prayer? Look, I don’t mean to get down on women and how we orgasm. Sex should be great, and you should enjoy it, and it should lead you to your happy place, whatever that may look or sound like. I guess I’m just really confused as to why squirting is suddenly popular and desirable.
My Vagina Doesn’t Do Magic Tricks
It also begs the question of, what next? Ok, so now we’ve moved from regular chicks, to ones who are made up of eighty per cent non – biodegradable material. We’ve gone from bad pubic hair to no pubic hair, and now we’ve gone from orgasm to Old Faithful. At some point in the future, do I have to be on the look out for women who can bend their knees both ways? Should I be worried about competing with chicks who have found a way to make some heretofore unknown orifice? What about some woman who can do magic tricks with her vagina, like saw a man in half with it? Dude, my vagina doesn’t do magic tricks. I can’t compete! I’m already stressing about this!
I’m Pretty Much A Porn Genius
I am hereby calling for a return to the 1970′s view of women; somewhat hairy, kinda dorky, but innocent and with bodily fluids that primarily stay in the body. I, like men, would really like to see a porn with someone who looks more like me. Or WORSE than me. Give a girl hope, ok? I wanna see some chick who hasn’t been to the gym in two months (yeah, I am totally canceling that membership already!) order pizza, and have it delivered by Mr. October. I wanna see the tour bus for Australian Thunder From Down Under break down right outside this quiet librarian’s house, and they feel so guilty about calling AAA on her phone, that they all decide they have to pay her back by giving her multiple orgasms… and doing her laundry. You’re turned on right now, aren’t you? Yeah, I’m like a freaking porn GENIUS right here. How have I not been hired by the porn – makers of the world yet? What’s up with that?
I’m Freaked Out
Anyway, I think the real issue is that this is all getting out of control. I need things to go back to the way they were. No more squirting, no more DVDA, no more sex that nobody except the actors actually have. Bring back the dirty hotel rooms, the shady looking skinny dudes, and the hand – held camera action! Because, and let’s be honest here, I really can’t have my husband trying to use my vagina as a squirt gun. The whole idea just freaks me out… there will never be enough plastic tarps in the world for me to have a go at that.
Are you a squirter? Does it turn you on? If so, dear G-D… why?