We’ve always managed to be fairly open about sex in my family. Don’t get me wrong, Toy With Me-er’s we’re not like a NAKED family or anything because it’s just not like that here (not, ahem, that there’s anything wrong with that, but Your Aunt Becky isn’t done shedding the baby weight and wouldn’t be caught dead waltzing around in the buff right now), but we do try and not damage our kids when it comes to sex. The 50’s proved how bad being close-minded towards sex could be, and the gigantic hairy bushes of the 70’s proved how scary sex could be, so we try to strike a balance between being open without being creepy. It’s kinda tricky.
Mommy, Your Vagina Is DIRTY!
When we starting potty-training our first son, we made sure to drag him along to every bathroom break either of us took, just so he could get accustomed to the idea of stopping what you were doing to take a pee now and again. While it was a good thing because he did end up putting his bodily fluids into the toilet eventually, it lead to more ridiculous conversations than I could possibly have foreseen. My son was born without a filter, so on any given day, you could find us in the Target bathroom where he would loudly proclaim such nuggets of parental embarrassment as, “Wow, Mommy, your vagina is DIRTY!” He’d mistake, you see, the pubic hair for dirty, and like a vocal bullet, that statement would ricochet around the full bathroom. There was simply no un-saying that, and I’d walk to the sink, red-faced and ashamed that the other women at the sinks knew that I needed to wax my beav, while my son bounced along next to me, oblivious to my plight.
His father, The Daver, didn’t escape unscathed either. No, Dave was equally humiliated by our son, who would frequently ask him questions like, “what is your penis doing?” I have to give him massive credit for answering him with a straight face, because I’d already left the room, laughing hysterically.
Mr. Tinky-Winky
We somehow managed to get through those awkward potty training years without dying of embarrassment and shortly thereafter got pregnant with our second child. I’m not really one to sugarcoat names of private parts, and although “Mr. Tinky-Winky” might sound better to a child than saying “I have a penis,” we’ve always taught them the anatomical terms. When they’re older, I’ll happily teach them the slang words, but for now, they’ll learn the proper names.
It’s Not The Stork
So when I found out that I was pregnant, I made sure to find a very honest book to teach my eldest about where babies come from. He’s a literal kind of guy who needs that sort of thing, and if I tried to come up with clever euphemisms, it would fly over his head. We ended up with a book called “It’s Not The Stork.” It was mostly a cartoon book, and it showed all sorts of things about how babies are made and had neat little spermies swimming up to the gigantic ova and then you’d see a pregnant lady and it took you through all the stages of fetal development, and it was pretty cool. My son dug it and really enjoyed reading all about it. He even made up a nifty little ditty about how “he was an egg and a sperm and then BAM he became Ben!” He sang it everywhere he went which was pretty adorable.
The Time Wasn’t Quite Right
We somehow managed to gloss over the part about how exactly the sperm made it into the fallopian tubes to meet the ova because he was four and I didn’t know that we needed to horrify him with the mechanics of sex until he asked. So, we just waited. There was an entire part of the book devoted to sex and puberty, but we just sort of left it alone until the time was right. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to talk about it, it’s just that we didn’t really want to talk about it right then.
Because Ben, for all of his awesomeness, is like a dog with a bone on a topic. Once he starts on it, he simply can’t let it go. It’s part of the autism and it’s just a part of who he is. So we knew the minute the sex conversation started, we’d have it over and over and over and over again until Dave and I wanted to shove our heads underwater. Don’t think us unkind, please, just remember how often you want to talk about sex in public, at the park, with your parents, at the store, in the bathroom, while he tells it to every person he sees on the street.
OH MY GOD
It took until he turned eight for him to rediscover the book and find the section on sex. And for all of the times that I said smugly to myself, “I’m going to be full of The Awesome when my kid wants to talk about sex,” what happened was anything but. He happened to catch me while I was in the middle of nursing my swine flu migraine. He burst into the kitchen, where I was trying to shove something to eat in my mouth with this horrified look on his face. Knowing he’d been reading the book, I knew what was coming out of his mouth before he spoke,
“OH MY GOD,” he yelled. “DO YOU KNOW HOW BABIES ARE MADE?”
He went on without waiting for me to answer.
“THE MAN PUTS HIS PENIS IN A WOMAN’S VAGINA.”
A lifetime of poker faces were thrown clearly out the window and I did the one thing that you should NEVER do in this sort of situation: I started to snicker into my hand. Between the way he said it and the look on his face, I simply couldn’t hold it back. Luckily, he didn’t notice, and continued staring at me, mouth agape, as my snickers turned into a full-fledged coughing fit.
“Yes,” I managed to sputter out.
“Oh my GOD,” he continued. “I HOPE I don’t have to do that for a long time!” Then he looked warily around as if a roaming vagina might pop out from behind something and try to have sex with him and walked back into the other room. I followed behind him to have The Sex Talk. I also made a mental note to start saving up for his future therapy.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Fast forward seven years, and he’ll be WISHING there were roaming vaginas that might pop out from behind somewhere and try to have sex with him.
@They’re everywhere! – LOL – I think he’ll be wishing this post away too.
I had an easier time telling my DD there was no Santa Claus.
This story cracks me up. Kids all take the talk in different ways that’s for sure. My oldest was about 5, didn’t talk about it at all for weeks, and then all of the sudden was a question factory. In all kinds of inappropriate places.
Ben is the very definition of inappropriate. It makes him both charming, adorable and embarrassing. Poor kid.
This was hysterical. Aunt Becky is always great at making a difficult situation humorous.
I have no idea how my mom went about telling me about these things, or what kinds of questions I asked her in awkward places. I just know I had a book about periods and puberty and sex by the time I was in grade four. Yep, there was a lot of snickering (by me) about how I was reading a “dirty book” during reading week, in class. Good times.
I do remember asking, though, how sex felt. God, that had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. I forever (silently) thank my dad for choosing THAT EXACT MOMENT to walk back into the room. I think my mom does, too.
Go moms of the world!
Oh Becky, my nephew, who is also autistic, came rushing in the door to my house one day after he had clearly been asking his mom some obviously uncomfortable questions and screeching “Aunt shawn has a vagina and she can use it however she wants, Krystin (my daughter) has a vagina but she can’t use it at all yet” this was repeated about 11 times as he ran circles through my kitchen and dining room. My daughter, son and I were standing there, trying very hard not to erupt in laughter, while his mom dragged the other two boys in the door. After which, he stopped and looked at me, with his eyes all big and earnest and said, deadpan and serious, “What do you do with yours Aunt Shawn?”
“Standard vagina stuff Dylan, you know, use the bathroom, have babies, that sort of thing.” I look to his mom who is about to collapse in the floor from what has clearly been a day of this line of questioning, as I am picking up her youngest one, who is 3 and trying to either climb up my leg or into my vagina, who knows which.
Without skipping a beat, he smiles and says to his mom, “If I had a vagina I wouldn’t have a baby. Can I have a drink, please?” Conversation over, just like that. I later found out that they had started the vagina conversation almost 3 hours earlier and that at different intervals the 3 and 5 year olds had joined in with questions of their own. Of course, they bored of it, but at age 9 and with his uber thorough autistic mind, not Dylan, he needed more detail! As I am sure you can understand! I just hope Ben doesn’t have any vagina filled nightmares.
Bex, seriously. Glad I’m waiting on an order and everyone else is at lunch because I would have scared the shit out of the entire floor!
I got two books when I was about eight – “Where Did I Come From?” and “What’s Happening To Me?”; both by Peter Mayle. Cute cartoons, and they use official terms (penis, vagina). They do throw some slang in there as well, but it explains things in clear terms that kids can understand. If we were to ever have offspring, I’d totally go with those books.
Awesome postie:)
This post got me cracking so bad that I almost choked from my own coughs! I’m sick and I’m not supposed to laugh like crazy.
But ZOMG! Your son is adorable! Like They’re Everywhere said, he’d wish for popping vaginas in a few years’ time!
Don’t you wish sometimes for them to just stay a kid and to not grow up at all?! Ah parenthood…
His query of how babies are made was hilarious, as was your description of him looking around as if they would magically appear at any moment and attack him. Wait a few years, he will be looking around wishing they would.
Cue the coffee coming out of my nose…
So, I spent the past five summers running a children’s summer day camp and got stuck having a version of the sex talk on THREE separate occasions. Each time I was like, “NO. GO ASK YOUR MOM. STOP KNOWING THE WORD CLITORIS.”
@Wicked Shawn – “Aunt shawn has a vagina and she can use it however she wants.” I think I love your nephew – hilarious line!
I was doing ok until I read about how he “looked warily around as if a roaming vagina might pop out from behind something and try to have sex with him.” OMG, I fucking lost it.
My oldest hit puberty right as he turned 10 years old and when I was dealing with one of his cataclysmic melt downs over god knows what, I figured “dammit, I have him captive…now’s the time to tell him.” I explained EVERYTHING. And, miracle of miracles, he actually came to me with a question the next day.
I love that story, it’s so funny! Thanks for sharing….
Once in a public bathroom, my daughter, who was 2 at the time, saw a pad in my panties and observed me putting a new one on. She looked at me and said “Mommy, why are you putting a sticker in your panties” I explained that I was on my period and I was putting a pad in my panties to keep them fresh and clean.
Several weeks later she follows me into the bathroom at my mother-in-laws house (Thanksgiving dinner all the in-law families are together 20some people). She watches me go potty but gasps and takes off running. I finish up, flush, wash hands, and return and as soon as she sees me walk into the room she goes “Mommy has a PYRAMID in her panties!!” Very LOUDLY. She meant period…but I was still mortified because I’m pretty sure they all figured it out as soon as I turned BRIGHT RED.
@Rebecca – Kids have such awesome timing
I love it when blog posts make me snort. And I’m not looking forward to these discussions because as much as I want to be cool, I still giggle inside when my kids say “penis”.
hey, aunt becky, could you clean that shit up? poor ben. sheesh. ; )
he is full of awesomeness! love these precious moments.
I learned something today. Well, two things, but one was really just confirmed.
One, I will never, ever, ever be ready to the Cool Aunt and have the conversation with my nephews. I’m up for trying, but God knows, it’s not going to go the way I anticipated. I kind of knew that already, but this is a prime example of what could go hysterically wrong.
Two–never read anything from you guys when you’re sitting in Ethics class, no matter how boring you find the lecture. You WILL snort. You WILL start cracking up. You WILL dribble coffee through your nose. You WILL have to excuse yourself, and you WILL have to explain why you were laughing like a loon as soon as you got outside.
Sigh. I’m sure my professor is thrilled.
My daughter asked me how the babies get out of the mommy’s tummy and I punted and said a doctor cut my belly open and just lifted the baby out both times. I totally could not explain how a tiny little hole could let a baby out. Chicken. Shit.
does ernie have a penis?
LOL – I just wrote about that very book, because the child was, well, comparing her clitoris to her baby cousin’s tiny penis. Anyway, I scarpered off to the library and came home with just that book.