What Music Taught Me About Sex

I’m probably one of the only people that can say this, but I’ve never made a sex playlist. You know, a playlist of songs specifically put together to set the mood. No romantic sex mix, no dirty sex mix, no foreplay inducing sex mix, nothing. When I realized this last week and decided that it was about time I remedied the situation, I settled in for some hot little lyrical research. And do you know what I found? I found that it’s probably a good thing that I haven’t been counting on music to get me in the mood because song lyrics that deal with sex are just ridiculous.

The Dirty One

Ludacris – Splash Waterfalls
“You do it standin up, orgasms hand ‘em up”

Yeah Ludacris? It’s that easy? You’re so good that you just stand girls up and hand them an orgasm? I really wish this were true. Or, I really wish I were sleeping with Ludacris. Who, by the way, is really named Chris Bridges. I wonder what chicks call him in bed – or rather what they call him when they’re standing up and he’s handing out orgasms like M&Ms.

The “Um, What??” Ones

Kings of Leon – Sex on Fire
“Your sex is on fire”

This just doesn’t even sound appealing. Like, I want hot sex as much as the next chick, but please don’t ever set me on fire. Also, if we’re having sex and you happen to notice that I’m actually on fire, I hope you’d stop drop and roll instead of singing about it. That’s the nice thing to do when you’re bangin’ a girl, no? “Hey sweetheart, let’s stop for a second because YOU’RE ON FIRE.”

Lady Gaga – Boys Boys Boys
“You taste just like glitter mixed with rock and roll”

Is this a compliment? Does anyone out there really want to taste like glitter and rock and roll? What does rock and roll even taste like? Whiskey? Heroin? The inability to afford food while you’re struggling to make it big followed by unlimited whiskey and heroin? And what about glitter, what’s with the glitter? I can imagine that having glitter in my mouth would actually be pretty awful. I mean, it’s grainy and gross and must be impossible to swallow. How is this a compliment? Who is turned on by this! Who!

The Cliche One

LFO – Summer Girls
“I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I’d take her if I had one wish”

Abercrombie and Fitch was popular what, 7 years ago? When I was in high school and the cool thing was to get dropped off at the mall by your parents and hang out in Abercrombie looking at the posters of the models, trying to breathe through the thick perfume haze they have pumping through the air vents while spending eleventy hundred dollars on t-shirts with sexually explicit sayings on them. Sayings like, “Waterpolo girls do it better in the water.” I’m pretty sure this is the opposite of sexy. Who wants to sleep with underage girls wearing tight, sexually explicit t-shirts? Oh wait.

Which brings me to this next category…

The Land Your Ass In Jail One

Sublime – Date Rape
Come on baby, don’t be afraid
If it wasn’t for date rape I’d never get laid

THIS IS NEVER OKAY. Sure, call me pet names like “baby”, that’s sweet and I definitely like that. But do you know what I don’t like? The thought of you drugging me and having sex with me against my will. That’s a superb message to send out to young and impressionable boys. And you just know there’s a group of teenagers sitting in a basement somewhere, listening to this song, drinking stolen malt liquor and saying to each other, “Yeah! Let’s do that!”

And you know who they’ll target first? The spoiled girls whose parents were too stupid to advise them against buying those fucking waterpolo t-shirts.

Thanks Sublime, really.

The ldkfjfgklj One

LL Cool J – Doin It
(unintelligible female orgasm noises)

Have you heard the end of this song? The point where the lyrics just stop and the woman LL Cool J has been singing to just starts getting off. No explanation, no words, just heavy breathing and moaning. During a SONG. What if that shit comes on when you’re in the car with your parents? WHAT THEN, LL? And, as if the thought of this song coming on at a bad time wasn’t enough, imagine actually having this on your sex mix. Imagine you’re really getting into it and this girl starts getting off and being all theatrical with her orgasm and your man is more into the noises she makes than the noises you make and now you’re not even wet anymore because you’re competing with this chick for who’s hotter while getting off and you’re not just competing, you’re losing. I think it’s pretty much all downhill after you lose the sex race to two people who aren’t even fucking in the first place.

Possibly related goodness:

1. What Google Taught Me About Vagina
2. This Is The Music I Like To Hump To

About the Author

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.