I’ll be honest: I really can’t fucking take it anymore. Seriously. So, before I say anything else, let me start by saying that if you actually are bisexual, then I’m not talking about you in this article. If you can picture yourself in a loving, sexual relationship with a person of either gender, then congratulations, you are an ACTUAL bisexual person. However, if you are one of those people who went out, got drunk off of Schlitz, kissed a girl/boy (as appropriate) on a dare, and then went home and listened to Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” on repeat for four hours, you, my friend, are not bi. You. Are. Slutty. Yes, I am making that judgment call, people. ENOUGH. Not everyone in the world has to be bisexual! Which brings me to the point of this article:
The point, and I really want you people to take this away and think about it, is that it’s ok to be slutty. Embrace your sluttiness, folks!
The Double Standard
But people seem hesitant to run with this idea. In fact, if you met a man, and he told you that he’d only ever had two lovers, you might congratulate him on his morals, but you can’t tell me you wouldn’t experience a very quick moment of “holy shit! really?!” Then compare that to a woman who says the same; do you think you’d have the same reaction? Honestly? Even in this day and age, I still feel like the sexuality of a woman is more acceptable, but only if it’s within certain boundaries. You can sleep with men before you get married, but not too many. If you, as a woman, really must get some action though, it’s “cooler” to do it with other women, because that’s hot – according to Hollywood. How many damn movies have you seen with girls kissing girls in the promos? Enough! Gone with the Wind doesn’t need a remake with Scarlet and Mammy making out!
I have a friend from college who had a “girlfriend.” Once a month or so, they would end up at the same party, kiss, then run around squealing the next day about how they’re “bi.” Surprisingly, this didn’t go over well for the actual lesbians who would sit at the table with me, wondering when my friend would get to the good part about the strap-on and the strawberry flavored lube.
Sometimes You Just have to be A Little Slutty
Why can’t we just admit that we’re slutty sometimes? What’s wrong with that? What is wrong with saying, “you know, I don’t particularly want to date this person, or bring them home to my parents, but I am damn horny right now, and, let’s be fair, any port in a storm, right?” That’s OK. I’ve totally had those nights where all you can think is, “does it have a pulse? Is it human and over the age of 18? GAME ON!” and while it’s not a lifestyle choice I’d continue once I reached adulthood, though I can think of worse things to be than slutty, I don’t judge it.
Sex Can Be Messy
Why do people do that to themselves? Why does every sexual encounter have to “mean something?” Why does it have to be in the context of either a relationship or something that another onlooker might find arousing? Sex is messy, and sometimes you get into positions where things are not looking as flattering as they could. My friend Stu, who’s a very sweet Dominant in the DC area says he has more problems with women who don’t want to be in certain sexual positions, not because they don’t enjoy them, but because they think it doesn’t look flattering (their “pudge” might show). It drives him crazy. Who cares? Why are you judging yourself, or any part of this experience, as if it was going to be on HBO later tonight?
I Bet Martha Stewart Has An Inner Slut
Look, you have two options in life: you can sit around and judge every last aspect of your life, including sex, which I deeply believe will turn you into a crazy person who organizes pieces of string for hours (see: Martha Stewart), or you can say, “I don’t have to qualify or examine the experience I am about to have. I can just have it, and it doesn’t have to mean anything more than me learning about myself.” There’s nothing wrong with learning more about yourself through your sexuality, but you as a human diminish yourself when you try to explain the experience in socially-acceptable terms. By that I mean, you can be with another person of the same gender, and you don’t have to re-examine how you define your sexuality, if you choose to define it at all.
Be Yourself
Now, I’ve been talking about sleeping around, yes, but I’m not promoting un-safe sex. You should always have safety conversations with whomever you decide to explore. What I am saying in this article, however, is that you can do what you want, but be honest with yourself about it. Enjoy the experience. Live life, your entire life, to its fullest, whether that’s with three partners, or thirty. Be honest about your sexuality, your interests, your body, and your partner, and if you find that on the spectrum of sexual experiences, you are entirely hetero, gay, or bi, then that’s ok, too. If you define yourself entirely as hetero, please, for the love of G-D, don’t feel pressured by magazines or movies to find another woman and paw the hell out of her while mentally going over your “to-do” list. Don’t let a current partner pressure you into experiences you already know that you don’t want to have.
Being comfortable enough to accept your sexuality as you are can mean doing everything under the sun, or just being self-aware enough to know what you like, and stick to it. Don’t let the media influence you into redefining who you are, but be honest about whoever that is. If you’re slutty, OWN the sluttiness. BE the sluttiness!
So tell me…. How do YOU embrace your inner slut?
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About the Author
The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.
{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
i don’t know if i have anything BUT inner slut.
however, i am committed to monogamy so i have to make my wife perform all the depravity.
funny, she doesn’t seem to mind very much.
well, I’m ACTUALLY bi-sexual. I am also a slut… or I was…before I got married… I can’t really give any pointers on embracing the inner slut- I basically think of things like this: “does my doing ____ hurt myself or others?” no- continue. “am I doing this in the safest way possible?” yes- continue….
On that token, being married makes embracing the not-so- inner slut so much easier- I can be as depraved as he wants me to be. While still embracing monogamy.
I totally love my inner slut! She is the “other” part of me not everyone gets to see, but those who do – love her too. She loves to party and flaunt her ta-tas but always goes home with her man.
I have zero problems with my inner slut. I think sex is something to be enjoyed and experienced, and not necessarily placed neatly into a box (add your own pun here…).
That said, of course PMM makes a good point: as long as I’m not hurting anyone, and doing things in the safest possible way, then it’s cool. Though, looking back, I probably *could* have been safer in college… ahhh, stupid youth!
Shit, I’ll do you.
But I’m with you on this. I got out of the game earlier than this came into vogue to be “bi” to be trendy. Why not do it because it’s fun not because some bimbo says you should?
I aspire to be a slut again someday.
My children killed my inner slut.
Hell, it might not even be a matter of being a “slut” as much as it is experimentation, and there’s NOTHING wrong with that.
I channel my inner slut by coming here:) I would totally do a hot chick:) I am married though:( I should have benn slutty when I had the chance (before kids & hubby) Crissy me too! Does anybody wanna make-out? LOL LOL
Love Tawnia
No, there is nothing wrong with it, and maybe I’m breaking my own rules by labeling it, when really, “experimentation” is a better way of looking at it. But frankly, I am just sick and tired of hearing girl after girl tell me about how she’s “bi,” because she made out with a girl. You know what? I’ve kissed other women. It was fine. I didn’t want to trade in the husband for a wife, but it was an interesting experience. I wouldn’t call myself “bi” though.
OK, agree with everything about the slutiness, but Scarlett would NEVER make out w/Mammy, she would be all over India Wilkes. You can cut the tension between those two with a knife.
Y’know, what bugs me about the “I Kissed A Girl” crowd is the trouble they cause for actual bisexuals in the LBGT community. It just reinforces the idea that bisexuality actually doesn’t exist, and bisexuals are just straight kids trying to be cool or lesbians/gays who are afraid to come out of the closet.
It’d be much more positive for everyone involved if the idea of embracing your inner slut gained more traction in society.
I LOOOVE THIS POST!!!
SO many men AND women, especially in the ‘emo/goth’ type, say that they are all bi…how can they ALL be bi at the same time!? I don’t believe a word of it, because if they were really bi, they wouldn’t be strutting their stuff like peacocks. No one really runs around going “I’M STRAIGHT LOOK AT ME!”
I myself am bisexual, and have had a girlfriend, which was wonderful and I loved it…
It is a trend with young people now to say that they are bi, and I blame Katy Perry for that bullshit. REALLY? Kissing a girl, is not a bad thing, so it’s not like it’s a ‘enjoyable sin’ and it doesn’t make you bi…for gods sake…
And, I am definitely learning to embrace my inner slut! For a few weeks I have been dating this amazing guy, who I want to be with for quite a while, but…I JUST WANT TO TEAR HIS CLOTHES OFF…and I thought that people would think it was too soon, or I would feel guilty, but…now that I have read this post…I feel better. Who GIVES a shit?! It is none of their business who/what I do.
You know what? You rock. Thanks for all of this…this is SO cool.
I WANT to be a slut so badly. I just can’t find someone worth ripping the clothes off of… even my gyno told me to live a little.
It’s so true though… i’m tried of going to bars and seeing girls dance up on each other to get attention for guys… I can’t do that… when my girlfriends try to dance up on me, it feels so fake… put out or don’t be grinding on me… that’s what I’m saying…
I think it’s safe to say that a lot of people who want to experiment with same sex play-time are confused as to what it really means to be bi. Maybe some of the “I kissed a girl” types are really convinced of it. Some just want attention, I’m sure. I, personally, am into boys and girls, sexually. More with the boys. I’m not sure I would want to have a “girlfriend” since I haven’t met a girl who strikes me that way. I’ve met plenty I would fool around with. So, where does this leave me? I think it means I’m bi. You know. Bi-sexual. I’d like to do some girls. Not necessarily date them (though I wouldn’t be opposed). Maybe that just means I’m a slut. That’s fine too
Did you really read everything I’ve written online in ONE NIGHT, DUDE?!
How come nobody’s pointed out that you can be totally bi-sexual – sexually attracted to either sex – and still only want to have a relationship with one gender.
I know a couple of bi-sexual people who would be ASTONISHED to learn that they’re not actually bi-sexual at all, they’re just ‘sluts.’ There they were, thinking that their sexuality was their own thing and they could define it within their own boundries, but fortunately along comes the Kinky Jew to set them straight and tell them what they ACTUALLY are.
Whew! I KNOW! Thank goodness I’m here, people! And thanks to C&B for pointing out that some sluts can be totally unaware of their inherent sluttiness. Way to be kiddo, way to be.
Honestly, I think the notion of “sexuality” has gotten too tangled up with “romantic relations.” C&B had a very good point (whether presented honestly or sarcastically) that a person might have a “sexuality” of bisexual without being romantically inclined so. And the reverse is also true. I had a friend in high school who could envision spending her life with a guy we both knew, but she was firmly in the lesbian column when it came to sex. He was literally the only man she ever (to my knowledge) considered letting touch her, and she still didn’t find it “arousing” so much as “not objectionable.”
I am bi across the board. I had a long-term relationship with a woman in the past, and am now with a man. I can see myself with both genders in a permanent way. I enjoy myself some boy sex, and I enjoy myself some girly sex. My man, on the other hand, cannot imagine himself with a man in a relationship, but he enjoys himself some boy sex, too. (Incidentally, this made our sex life Pure Awesome before my kids killed my sex drive… blasted kids.)
But we have sex so wrapped up in relationships nowadays, that these distinctions don’t enter our minds most of the time. Hell, a lot of men like my boyfriend are accused of being gay or “on the down-low” because they like boy sex but are with women. It’s ANNOYING. One has nothing to do with the other, except perhaps that most life partners also have sex. It’s nice if you don’t find your life partner repulsive sexually, I’m sure. /end rant
Btw, the world would be a happier place if people accepted themselves and however they are both sexually and romantically. Embrace your inner slut indeed!
Ooo, that was long. Sorry!
I don’t lick stamps, but I have. I’m one of those girls who can look at other women and think, “DAMN,” but making-out with her is something else entirely. It may stem from having a ton of male friends over the years, appreciating other women. I think that my appreciation for other women can sometimes make me an easier girl for men to date. I’m not insecure about being around other girls and nor do I see them as competition. I’m likely to smack a girl’s ass and call her “a hot little piece” with jest and seriousness in my voice – and have the guy standing next to me wish he could do the same.
Does it make me bi? Hell fuck no. But it means I’ve gone t the Post Office once or twice, appreciate the fact they sell stamps and know that I’d rather see the UPS man at my door
Well, I generally disagree with the intro to this post.
I think everyone _should_ consider themselves bi, and give up the label nonsense, the gender double-standards, etc..
As for my inner slut – it’s a struggle to look normal while searching for the right people to be comfortable opening up about it. But isn’t that the case for most things personal?
Hmmm, WHY should we consider ourselves “bi”? Do you mean that people should just be open to all sexual experiences?
Oh, this is a good topic! Almost everyone who knows me thinks I am a totally “normal”, sweet, totally straight woman. You would never guess that my husband and I have a couple of dear friends (also married) that we are extremely close with, if you catch my drift. I am absolutely bi and love my girlfriend, along with my husband and my boyfriend! I love my life and I so often wonder how common this kind of relationship is. I know we’re not the only ones!
Heather, if you’re that interested, I can do an article on “swinging,” versus “polyamory,” versus “polyfidelity.” The world of kink often intersects with the poly world, and I find that loads of people who consider themselves “poly” don’t actually know what a “real” poly relationship looks like. Glad you liked the article!
I agree with the fact that ‘Katy Perry Bisexuals’ and people who do it for the attention give real bisexuals a bad name. This article is very strong proof of it. You’re playing into the awful stereotype that people’s own definitions of their sexuality are arbitrary and that people who don’t want to have a ‘love based relationship’ with the same sex are not truly bisexual. They’re just sluts.
I’ll stand up and shout it from the roof tops: “I’m very sexually attracted to women but I’m not sure if I could ever see myself in a loving, sexual relationship with another woman.” Does that make me any less bisexual? No. Not in the least. Does it make me a slut? Not at all. Now don’t get me wrong, I fully embrace my sluttiness, I LOVE my inner slut and I have no issues letting her free. But my personal identification with being bisexual and my ability to embrace being a slut have nothing to do with one another.
My biggest beef with this article is the fact that you tell people if they can picture themselves in a ‘loving, sexual relationship with either gender’ then YAY you get a ‘get out of jail free card’. YOU are the one true breed of bisexual! And honestly? That’s utter bullshit. ‘Loving’ and ‘sexual’ are not, by any means, mutually exclusive terms. Love and sex do not come hand in hand. Yes. I can see myself having a sexual relationship with another woman; one that involves a certain level of friendship and trust. But love? What’s that got to do with it? I honestly have issues with the love bit. I’m not sure I have the ability to fall in love with another woman. I highly doubt I could marry another woman and start a family. Does that make me a ‘fake bisexual’? Even though I’m honest to god physically attracted to women and have been since I was about 10? According to your article? Yup. I’m a faker. I’m just sexually free.
I understand this is supposed to be an article that is intended to empower women/people to stop considering themselves bi if they’re simply open to trying new things and instead embrace the word slut. That’s a really great message. And I support that strongly because I believe in similar ideas. However, in the course of writing this article, you did alienate a group of people. You discriminated against and played into negative stereotypes about true bisexuals.
I’m currently writing a paper on my own personal experiences with coming out as bisexual and the negative stereotypes I’ve encountered. The best way to highlight the negative stereotype is this: If someone who is heterosexual or homosexual doesn’t want to be in a relationship and instead chooses to sleep around or even just kiss and fool around, be it with one casual partner or twenty, they’re not called out for pretending to be heterosexual or pretending to be homosexual. They’re just sluts (be it positive or negative connotations of the word). Why is it when a bisexual doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone does their base sexual orientation get called into question? Why can’t we just be considered sluts and move on? Why must our orientation be called fake and false? Why do we have to endure being told we’re just pretending or we’re just trying to get attention?
It saddens me that bisexuals get the same negative stereotypes thrown at them from both sides of the spectrum. And it’s sad that an article that I’m sure was intended to be positive, ended up offending me and just reenforcing negative stereotypes about bisexuals.
This post really bemuses me because I support part of your message – that being a slut is fine and people should embrace that. I agree that people are still way too judging on female sexuality. But I really dislike the way you’re arguing this point. You’re encouraging people to embrace one aspect of themselves while totally invalidating another identity that these sluts might have – being bisexual.
I really don’t understand why people continue to bicker about labels and insist that their, often narrow, definition, is the only/best one. Bisexuality is unlike “gay” or “lesbian” in that it is a lot more nuanced. “Gay” pretty much only means “a man who is attracted to men.” The end. But I’ve met bisexuals who typically prefer men over women, but are still sexually attracted to women; I’ve met bisexuals who are attracted to hyper-feminine women and hyper-masculine women; I’ve met bisexuals who are attracted to mostly androgynous people/genderqueers; I’ve met bisexuals whose preferences change depending on their mood and feelings at the time. The definition of bisexual that you are presenting is an extremely limiting one: you are only a “real” bisexual if you can have a loving relationship with either sex. People own their identities, and I really don’t understand why people insist on trying to dictate other people’s identities for them. It seems like a really pointless endeavor.
I do think that “Katy Perry” bisexuals can hurt the LGBT movement in the sense that they trivialize it a bit – but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people experimenting with their sexualities, either.
Re: your example of the girl and her girlfriend you used to know – I have no idea why you’re using that as an example. It doesn’t sound at all illegitimate or slutty and not a “real” connection at all.
I also don’t really like the picture of a “slut” that you paint. I know sluts who are the “any port in a storm” kind – and then I know sluts who just are really attracted to many different people and want to have sex with not one, but all of them. In these cases I don’t think that a woman has to be either bisexual OR a slut. Clearly she is sexually attracted to the women she wants to sleep with, and she also wants to sleep with many of them. I don’t see why they have to be exclusive characteristics.
Awesome comment.
I have no idea what I am, but I’m OK with that. I am married to a man, but I just LOVE chicks. They are so soft and sexy. I don’t cheat so I am not allowed to touch, but I can sure look!
This whole post is just offensive. Who are you to discredit someone else’s sexual orientation? Sexual orientation is DESIRE-based. If a person desires people of both sexes(even if it’s just a long-term heterosexual relationships with men and occasional drunken pashes with girls), that’s grounds bisexuality right there. Biphobia is getting old; get with the times.
There is a liding scale of sexuality developed by Kinsey (as well as independently by Klein) that suggests that we are all bisexual…meaning that we, on a scale of 1-10 (or 0-6, depending on whose scale we're using), most of us do not rate exactly at one end (completely heterosexual) or the other (completely homosexual). I realize most of you are balking at this thought, but research it; it makes a LOT of sense when you recognize the criteria.
Great post!
Of course, I meant to say "sliding" scale of sexuality.
Your directives here just annoy me, to be honest.
Unfortunately I've been attracted to women since I was 7 yrs old. It just never went away. But it's mostly physical attraction and not emotional. I don't feel unfulfilled because I'm not cuddling with a girl on Sunday morning. But I DO find myself needing to be with women sometimes. Finding someone that I click with and yes, I'll sleep with her and often that's all it will end up being. But you telling me that I must call myself a slut because of that is ridiculous. I also agree that bisexual doesn't really fit. Unfortunately it's all I can say that is universally understood without having to go into a long drawn out explanation which makes me sound like I'm trying to justify my behaviour or something. I'm afraid I've not done enough to call myself pansexual just yet, so what do I classify myself as when asked to describe my sexual preferences to, let's say, a first date or filling out a form or a profile on a website? I don't feel heterosexual is adequate, I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry that it bugs you.
I have no personal issue with the word slut, and in fact I quite like it since I have my own personal interpretation of it, but by true definition it means you are promiscuous and I'm not. Not these days. I'm not going to tell a new man in my life so yeah, I'm a SLUT. It's not the first description of my sexuality that's going to be expressed. It's far too loaded a word. Even in the so-called sex positive community it's a negative and derogatory word. They have to add a modifier to it to make it okay: "Ethical Slut" implies you are still respectable while slut just means you have no standards whatsoever and go around harming other people as well as yourself.
Related Words for : slut
adulteress, fornicatress, hussy, jade, loose woman
View more related words »
slut (slŭt)
n.
1.
1.
A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.
2.
A woman prostitute.
2.
A slovenly woman; a slattern.
From the online slang dictionary http://onlineslangdictionary.com/definition+of/sl…
Honestly, would you truly go around proclaiming this and self-identifying this way? I don't think so. If you did I think you'd find out PDQ that it was a stupid move.
Your belief that every woman who connects with other women on a sexual level and not both sexual and emotional is somehow trying to be "trendy" is extremely offensive. This is who I am and it's been that way for almost 20 yrs (I didn't act on this as an adult until I was in my 20s which is when I'm counting from, but as I said the attraction to women began when I was a child. It never went away and only got more intense…it became a need and to say that's flighty and flaky is really closed-minded of you.)
Oh, and out of curiosity? What should men who have primary relationships with women but are physically attracted to men, have sex with men but not emotional relationships with men…what should they be calling themselves exactly?? "Slut" would be a free ride–it does not have the same negative connotations as it does for a woman.
We all get that you are a superior bisexual but trying to degrade other people for not fitting your mold is really disappointing. Sadly it's standard procedure in the GLBT community.
"it's sad that an article that I'm sure was intended to be positive, ended up offending me and just reenforcing negative stereotypes about bisexuals. "
ditto.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read us and for your well written, reasoned comment. Hope to hear from you again!
I disagree with Undertheivy's claim.
"Your belief that every woman who connects with other women on a sexual level and not both sexual and emotional is somehow trying to be "trendy" is extremely offensive."
This is not rocket science people. Just try to understand the greater truth. It's gotta be sexual, that's what the sexuality part stands for.
Homosexuality is inherintly sexual, as the word implies. Same gender sexual preferences. Bisexuality, both gender sexual preferences. Heterosexuality, opposite gender sexual preferences. I may enjoy living with my sister and 13 cats in an emotional relationship when I get to be 75, but if it's not sexual, then it's not sexuality. It's just two old biddies who love each other and want to share their lives. Every connection we have is an emotional relationship. What we're discussing here is sexuality. Sexuality doesn't mean you have to want to settle down with someone, in same or different or pultiple gendred bliss. Not everyone wants to get married, or partnered, or live ith their lover(s) even. Me, I'm hetero, and proud of it. I revel in feeling like a woman, and knowing that I am a good opposite match for an equally hetero man. I'm not homo/biphobic. I just know what I like, and what I don't. Also that I not into sharing. But I do feel insulted when I see people I KNOW would classify themselves as hetero acting like they're bi for attention from men, and only when inebriated. It speaks to me of insecurities and a general inability to value themselves for their own powerful sexuality, and i equate it with getting drunk and humping the nearest parked unoccupied copcar. Humping vehicles only when drunk doesn't make some suddenly a vehicularsexual. It makes someone an idiot who makes very poor choices when under the influence of alcohol I dislike seeing people pressured to do things they wouldn't when drunk, whatever the thing might be. It's taking their right to a clear choice away. People who say peer pressured and socially pressured people are free to make their own choice are idiots.
Songs that laud making out with other girls and not being homo/bisexual only further the idea that women are free to show slutty behaviour and can just claim oh, they're bi, but you'll notice the average guy can't just walk into a frat party, start making out with some random guy in front of a few girls, and then claim they're bi without the hetero males there doing some damage to him. This tells me it's a fad, and not a socially accepted sexual preference.
and.. it's 2am, my brain's done.. sorry if I've left some loose threads in my post.