Sometimes I let my husband talk me into stuff. Like this one time he talked me into letting him post sexy pictures of me on an amateur porn site. (HI MOM!)
What can I say? It was an experiment, and I’ve got to tell you it spiced things up quite a bit because it was a way to spend Sexy Time together without actually having Sexy Time. I got to feel like a pretty pretty princess and be fussed over and, as some of you might know, my husband is quite the little photographer and it always makes him happy to have someone other than our kids to take pictures of. Plus, he’s a raging hormone and if he can mix sex and photography, well? He’s one happy motherfucker. We like happy motherfuckers around here so we go along with it and we don our slutpanties and a little extra eyeliner and we smile and we let our husband show off his photography skills.
It was fun and good for both of us. And it’s awesome for your self- esteem, too. You wind up getting a group of admirers (read: weird desperate creepy guys, but admirers just the same) and you don’t have to be a particular shape or size, either. No matter what, there are always people out there who think your shit is hot. Some people even sent me porn stories. Some of them were terrifying, but others were totally hot. I kind of liked those.
But don’t you Toy with Mes go thinking I’m one of those Sickie Sickingtons posting pictures of my flapping crotchals because I’m not. That’s like, a whole ‘nuther thing. I don’t really know why people post full crotchal pictures like that because crotches, as a general rule, just aren’t pretty. Women do it, but a lot of dudes post pictures of their junk and only their junk.
Who wants to see that?
I, for one, am always yelling at my husband to put some pants on because it’s better to leave something to the imagination if you ask me. I would never show my goodies to the Internet.
The pictures were more like this:
I don’t actually look like that, so thank you photoshop/mad sick camera skillz! And fancy camera lenses! And lighting! And Jillian Michaels! And Victoria’s Secret! And Mary Kay! And my curling iron! And spray tan!
Because of all those things, I’m totally comfortable letting people see these pictures because why the fuck wouldn’t I be? If somebody took a picture of you like that, you’d about make it your Christmas card (which I tried to do but decided it wouldn’t be appropriate for my daughter’s Preschool class, the prudes), amiright?
Now some of you may be saying, “but Crissy! Not everyone has the lighting and the makeups and the slutpanties! We can’t all be like the Queen!” and to that I will say, “you are correct.”
Not everyone has the time and energy and the motivation to get all glammed up for a sexy photo shoot with a husband who has the ability to make an otherwise blown-out and exhausted mommy look like a sex kitten, and that’s okay.
You don’t need all that stuff to have fun with your partner and you most certainly do not have to post them on the internet. All you need is a camera and a sense of adventure and imagination and you can have a lot of fun with pictures. I highly recommend it if you feel so inclined, however there are some things you need to be careful of. Listen carefully, DO NOT LET THE WRONG PERSON GET A HOLD OF YOUR PICTURES! My husband got carried away a few times and he posted a few things that were meant just for us and I about had a cow because I told a couple of my friends about the postings and when they looked they were like “OH GOD MY EYES!” I about killed him. Twice.
But sometimes, that wrong person who got a hold of your pictures is you, and you wind up posting pictures of yourself that really? The world just isn’t ready for them. Since the modeling and the editing are done by two different people, this has not happened to me, but some people have made some Unfortunate Decisions that I have brought to you today so that we may ridicule them learn from their mistakes.
This young lady is clearly not very detail oriented because she forgot to flush her shadoobie and pick her dirty laundry up off the floor… things that someone ELSE looking over the proofs would have pointed out. This is prolly not what she meant when she said “hey, y’all! Check my shit out!”
Here’s a picture of a young mom making some extra cash on the weekends:
I guess the she had a last minute babysitting crisis? She needs to start taking some of those dollars out of her thong and putting them into savings for the extensive therapy that kid’s gonna need.
Here’s a hot tranny mess for you.
I think I might need therapy now. What else can you say? Such an interesting mish-mosh going on… is that a c-section scar??
This next lady seems to be laying on a stuffed animal or something.
Seriously, don’t these people ever put their kids to bed for chrissakes? I mean, I sort of get the milf thing, but I don’t think the milf-hunters want the kids THERE TOO.
Here’s another one:
We need to start a babysitting service for stupid sluts. Apparently, there is dire need…
This is one of my favorites because it fucked me up for life:
MOOOOBS!!! among other things that confuse me.
How ’bout this Studly McStuderson?
“And on our first Craigslist date, I will bring all of my guns and my guitars. So I have them.”
Sometimes I look back on having let my husband post some sexy pictures of me on the Internetz, and I wonder if it would have been better just to keep them to ourselves…
and then I see these pictures, and I just don’t worry as much.