9 Sexual Terms You’ll Immediately Wish You Didn’t Know

sex termsLet’s chat about how over the course of just one hour of internet research, I’ve come to learn that I’m not quite as sexually experimental as I thought I was. In fact, I’m maybe a little bit of a naive prude because oh my GOD do you have any idea how weird some of the things are that people do in bed?? Weird. So weird.

You’re curious now, right? I know, I figured, so I made a list of nine of the things and part of me wants to say “you’re welcome” but a bigger part of me wants to apologize profusely in advance because the entire list is like a train wreck in that you’ll be horrified by it but you won’t be able to look away no matter what because you just absolutely have to see what happens next.

1. Feeding the Horse: Stimulation of the vaginal lips with the hand in a manner similar to feeding a hungry horse.
Okay, so, I’ve fed horses before and my strongest memory from it wasn’t what I did with my hand while putting the food close to their mouths, it was how weird the movement of their mouth felt in my hand as they were eating. Can a vagina replicate this? I don’t know, but I’m totally sitting here trying to do some weird vagina squeezing thing but all I’m accomplishing is round after round of solid Kegels, which I guess is better than nothing. But really, let’s not feed my vagina anything that you’d feed a horse, okay? Actually, can we agree to just not feed my vagina at all? Awesome. Thanks.

2. Donkey Punch: Dude fucks someone in the ass from behind. Dude punches that someone in the back of the head or neck while fucking them in the ass from behind, which in turn forces them to tighten their ass muscles and make it all the more pleasurable for said Dude.
Punching? Seriously? I mean, what? Let’s get something straight here, if I’m going to be cool enough to let you put it in my ass, you sure as hell better not do something like, oh, I don’t know, PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD WHILE I’M BEING GENEROUS AND GIVING YOU A PIECE OF THIS ASS.

3. Dirty Sanchez: Right after anal sex, the guy takes his penis out and rubs it on his partner’s upper lip, leaving a “moustache.”
Excuse me, but what did I just say? I’m being generous by giving you a piece of this ass! Please tell me you are not even considering putting your post-anal dick on my face. My face! Near my mouth! What the fuck is the MATTER with you.

4. Boston Pancake: When a dude defecates on the other person’s chest, pats down the feces with his ass to make it into a flat surface, and then ejaculates on it to create the “syrup.”
I mean. I just. It’s just. I can’t. Do people really? I mean. Like. But. Vomit stab vomit stab.

5. Alligator Fuckhouse: During sex, one person bites the other person’s neck, locks their arms and legs down and goes into a deathroll, all while maintaining insertion.
I’m not going to lie, this one is amazing. In fact, this is the only one on the list that I actually want to try. And by “want to try” I mean “would consider doing on a one night stand before getting up, fist pumping, yelling ‘alligator fuckhouse!’ and walking out.”

6. Abe Lincoln: When a guy ejaculates on the face of his unconscious partner and then shaves off his pubic hair and applies it to the semen covered area to form a beard.
Imagine this scenario for a second. Seriously, imagine that you drank a little too much tequila one night, passed out at a guy’s house, and woke up with a SEMEN AND PUBIC HAIR BEARD the next day. How do you get through that? Where do you even go with your entire life from there? God, and what if you also woke up wearing a black top hat? WHAT THEN!

7. Snowballing: The act of passing cum back and forth between two or more people’s mouths. As it gets passed, the amount of saliva and cum gets larger and larger. As in, it snowballs.
Who’s sitting around after giving a blowjob thinking, “Man, I haven’t swallowed yet, I wonder if this dude and his roommate and that chick on the street want to snowball with me.” No one, that’s who. Except there’s a name for it, so obviously someone is doing this and if that person is you it would be stellar if you could please raise your hand so I know not to share a water bottle with you ever, ever again.

8. Felching: The act of sucking semen from the anus. When the semen is too deep inside the rectum, it can be done with a drinking straw.
A drinking straw. A DRINKING STRAW. I have nothing else to say about this. Someone please remove my eyes so I can stop with this list. Maybe you could just suck them out with a drinking straw. Sigh. THE HORROR.

9. Bukkake: A group of dudes getting together to masturbate and ejaculate on one woman. The objective (because apparently things like this come with objectives) is to get as much cum on her as possible.
Yeah bro, this is exactly what every woman wants. Oh no wait, I don’t think there’s anything I’d want less than this. Except to do the thing with the semen and the anus and the drinking straw.

Okay, deep breath, that’s it. I mean, that’s NOT it but I had to stop somewhere because otherwise I’d go on forever and ever because the realm of weird sex is virtually limitless. But I’m stopping because I’m pretty sure you already hate me. Do you hate me? It’s okay, I understand if you do, even I hate me right now. Oh well, at least if you’ve made it this far you know all the same fucked up things that I know and I can now be all, “welcome to the dark side see you in hell thank you the end.”

Nicole Antoinette About Nicole Antoinette

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.

Comments

  1. Snowballing is hot! But I won’t be doing it with the neighbor and her roomate. It’s something that happens between two people, usually. Like, when your male partner cums in your mouth you give it back to him. It’s not bad, but if you’re not into boys you’ll find it gross.

  2. I come back to this every so often, and every single time I get to "Alligator Fuckhouse" and cannot continue because I'm pissing myself laughing.

    Every. Single. Time.

    …is it wrong that I can think of a few more that could be added, too?

  3. This is the funniest fucking thing I've read in a long time. What a great way to start the day!

  4. Anonymous says:

    I guess I’d better not mention the Strawberry Shortcake, Captain Nelson, or Cleveland Steamer.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Better not tell you about the Strawberry Shortcake then.

  6. As I read through this list all that I could hear in my head (yes, the voices, they speak to me) was ‘rainbow kissing. Rainbow kissing. RAINBOW KISSING’. I only learned about this term three days ago (this week has just been eye-opening, really), and I will share it with you now:

    RAINBOW KISSING: a woman performs fellatio on a man and keeps his juices in her mouth, then the man performs cunnilingus on the woman whilst she is menstruating, and also keeps her juices in his mouth. They then kiss passionately.

    WHILST SHE IS MENSTRUATING. Seriously, every time I think about it I vomit in my mouth a little bit.

  7. Magpie: THIS IS HORRIFYING. Thank you and I hate you but mostly thank you and and and VOMIT.

  8. i knew about the dirty sanchez – i work tech support and for years we had a real asshat client whose last name was sanchez. the guys started calling him dirty sanchez, and laughed hysterically when i started as well. none of them would explain it to me, and made me look it up on urbandictionary.com.
    we still call him dirty sanchez and now we all giggle ;)

  9. I think the “people do WHAT!?!?” should be a weekly column.

  10. The title of this post was completely appropriate!

  11. All I can say is I regret reading this right after eating dinner. Good. God.

  12. Emma- Vodka! Yes! I think from now on, everyone should have to fail a breathalyzer before reading my posts.

  13. Oh, ewww, ugh. You’re right. It was a train wreck. I actually knew a couple of them because I have seen them on this and another site, but the rest, well, I’m still trying to keep my lunch down. Next time I will pay more attention to you and heed your warning.

  14. Eww…I’m so glad I’d had a couple of vodka’s before I read this!!! Had heard of a couple of them but not the majority….who knew I was naive and innocent????

  15. All of these are wonderful ways to spend a Sunday.

  16. I had pancakes this morning and now this…the horror!

    But thanks for the enlightenment…omg!

  17. carbonKim says:

    Okay, I’ve totally done the snowballing thing. I like to be a complete dick to my husband and kiss him right after he climaxes.. is it just me, or is the look of horror totally worth it?

    • carbonKim: My husband kisses me on purpose after oral…he likes tasting himself in my mouth. And vice versa as well. Different strokes, I guess.

      Though, I don't see how the majority of these could remotely turn anyone on….urrgh.

  18. Can we all go home tonight and try out the alligator thing and report back to each other? Yeah? Awesome.

  19. I, like you, thought I was experienced and open minded. Well, I think if this is whats hip I might call myself prude from now on. But yes, yes, yes, to the ALIIGATOR!

  20. Straying here from the nicoleisbetter.com site because I can’t get enough of her words. LMAO at the TOP HAT remark. A friend said a few of these like the Donkey Punch and Dirty Sanchez may actually be urban legends, but I think a porn search would reveal what’s what…I know snowballing and bukake definitely exist. Um, I don’t consume large amounts of porn but I did used to work for a mom and pop movie rental place….

  21. jhgrant says:

    WOW. I should have been warned off by the title of this article. Apparently, I am too stupid to follow basic directions. Now, I need ear/eye bleach. ACCKKKKK!

  22. um i got nothing. i thought the golden shower was edgy. but hellz to the yeah to alligator fuckhouse.

  23. ew. ew. ew. ewwwww.

    But also, I laughed my ass off.

  24. lizfits says:

    Ok, so I’m with you on the alligator fuckhouse. Because seriously? No, that sounds challenging and maybe even fun if you get it just right and don’t bite too hard. Also, I can see you fist pumping after said accomplishment, and it cracks me up.

  25. Michaemustro says:

    That’s some crazy shit!! No I don’t hate you. I kept reading because you made me laugh so hard with your responses…

    “Punching? Seriously? I mean, what? Let’s get something straight here, if I’m going to be cool enough to let you put it in my ass, you sure as hell better not do something like, oh, I don’t know, PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD WHILE I’M BEING GENEROUS AND GIVING YOU A PIECE OF THIS ASS………….. A DRINKING STRAW. I have nothing else to say about this. Someone please remove my eyes so I can stop with this list……Renee Michelle

  26. thepinkpoppet says:

    I also am surprised that you have not heard of these. I heard of most of these years and years ago…especially 3, 7, 8, 9…as well a quite a few others. Guess I run with a kinkier group than I realized. Tee-hee. I don’t do all of these, some are repugnant to me but I try not to knock anyone else’s kink. Live and let live…(even if some are really gross and disgusting-LOL).

  27. Dear Redhead says:

    Well, the late breakfast of corned beef hash with country gravy I just had suddenly feels..

    (URP)

  28. two words-

    Tahitian Facemask.

  29. Suzy Voices says:

    I must say that I’m intrigued by Alligator Fuckhouse. The others are just wrong. I’d heard of dirty sanchez, snowballing and bukkake, but that doesn’t make them appealing ;-)

  30. Urgh… I had purposely blocked most of these (I am the only female in a department of six people), and it’s in manufacturing. Guess what the main topic of discussion usually is? *eye roll*

    I need eye and brain bleach, a hard core Obliviate spell (yeah, I’m one of those people), and a padded room for about elventy hours. Thanks. Thanks much.

    (erp)

  31. I knew about Donkey Punching. I learned it at my last job (not from doing it, just from sick perverts who spoke about it.) My then boyfriend was working at a behavioral health center where he was a couselor. I asked him if he knew what it meant, and when he said no, I told him to ask someone.

    He asked his boss.

    Whoops.

  32. mystagenameis says:

    I am with you … Alligator Fuckhouse sounds like a winner. I have properly scarred a few people today, thanks for the help :)

  33. I feel nauseous. Seriously.

  34. Colin: Oh man, there are so many others that I could have listed, including the Tony Danza. You know what, I think I’ll just start listing other ones in the comments as bonuses.

    “…the Tony Danza is when you are balls-deep in a woman from behind and while ramming her mercilessly, you proceed to yell, “Who’s the boss?! Who’s the boss, bitch?!” Typically, she will yell, “You are!” at which point you turn her around, slap her with your cock and yell, “No. Tony Danza’s the boss, bitch””

  35. I am kinda surprised that the Tony Danza didn’t make the list.

  36. Ok, whew! You had me laughing my ass off over here. That’s greatness right there. And unfortunately (or fortunately) most, if not all, of them can be found on Wikipedia.

    :)

    Oh and one more thing…

    Alligator Fuckhouse!!

  37. MATT. OH MY GOD. THIS IS HEINOUS.

  38. *wonders if the straw thing would work on people whose heads are up their asses??*

    vomit stab vomit is right… I”m only holding back vomit by sheer force of will right now… good gawd there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with some people!!!

  39. There’s nothing wrong with some biting, rolling, and thrashing about. I don’t think it needs a special name, but hey, whatever floats the boat.

    The rest of this? Good lord. Oh, and you should look up “Roman shower”. Not an image search though. For the love of Nicole not an image search.

  40. Jupiter.Doll says:

    Did you have to? Number 9 made me baulk a little I’ll admit, *shiver* wrong wrong wrong

  41. I love how many people already knew some of these. I love that no matter what, you now know *all* of them and I don’t have to be alone in my “OH MY GOD”-ness.

  42. I learned about bukkake about nine years ago when I was creating keyword-heavy content (mostly sex-related) for a web development startup. In fact, I wrote pages and pages about bukkake alone. I was grossed out.

    But not as grossed out as I was when my husband told me what a Dirty Sanchez was. He’s actually asked me this question a few times (bad memory), and each time I’ve been all: No. What is it?

    Not because of bad memory, but because I WILLFULLY BLOCKED IT from my memory.

  43. Unfortunately for me, I knew most of these but had forgotten them. Thanks for dredging up those dark memories.

  44. That was weird but interesting, not that I would even try any of them. Yeah, you’ve caught my attention and tell me some more disgusting stuff, as i’m laughing to myself, people actually do.

  45. The fact that I knew all of these and you knew none is an interesting intersection of our personalities… mine of the pervert, and you of the AAA sex-move prude. Glad you’re finally taking a step closer to the majors.

    For further reading, I suggest you Google “The Houdini” (both versions), “The Rusty Trombone,” and “The Glass-Bottom Boat”.

  46. I am SO glad I didn’t have breakfast before I read this. And I am not nearly the freak I thought I was….talk about getting knocked down a notch:)

  47. Ok so I knew some of these words but didn’t necessarily know their exact definition. Now I’m not sure if I want to punch you for telling me all this or thank you for enlightening me so that now when people say them I can know just exactly how fucked up they’re being.

    Also in my 8th grade health class someone asked what snowballing was and she didn’t know and someone else had to explain it and it was hilariously awkward.

  48. Alligator Fuckhouse is magical.

  49. Hey, don’t knock snowballing.

  50. i probably shouldn’t expose you guys to this (after all, you seem like nice people) but i will anyway.

    you are forewarned that contained in the following portal site are some images that–once seen–cannot be UNseen. DO NOT CLICK if you are squeamish or would prefer to be left in blissful ignorance.

    however, if you want to know what a lemon party is, or wonder what octopus girl is famous for, then go for it.

    http://www.lolshock.com/

    CP

    ps the end result of a dirty sanchez is more properly called a “shitstache.” ;)

  51. The people who want nothing to do with you after reading that are the ones you want nothing to do with you. I’m sure 90 percent of these things are just urban legends though.

  52. I knew what far too many of those meant.

    Overshare? We (used in the couple sense) have joked before about “supermanning that ho”. Not because it would be sexy…but it would be funny to do and then be all, crank my soulja boy.

  53. Wait, are all of these 9 things terms you haven’t heard before? Because some of them (namely, 2, 3 and 9) I thought were pretty common (as in to LAUGH ABOUT HYPOTHETICALLY PARTICULARLY IF YOU’RE MALE, NOT THAT I WOULD EVER DO THESE THINGS JUST TO CLARIFY). Maybe I just run in weird, gross circles.