Let’s chat about how over the course of just one hour of internet research, I’ve come to learn that I’m not quite as sexually experimental as I thought I was. In fact, I’m maybe a little bit of a naive prude because oh my GOD do you have any idea how weird some of the things are that people do in bed?? Weird. So weird.
You’re curious now, right? I know, I figured, so I made a list of nine of the things and part of me wants to say “you’re welcome” but a bigger part of me wants to apologize profusely in advance because the entire list is like a train wreck in that you’ll be horrified by it but you won’t be able to look away no matter what because you just absolutely have to see what happens next.
1. Feeding the Horse: Stimulation of the vaginal lips with the hand in a manner similar to feeding a hungry horse.
Okay, so, I’ve fed horses before and my strongest memory from it wasn’t what I did with my hand while putting the food close to their mouths, it was how weird the movement of their mouth felt in my hand as they were eating. Can a vagina replicate this? I don’t know, but I’m totally sitting here trying to do some weird vagina squeezing thing but all I’m accomplishing is round after round of solid Kegels, which I guess is better than nothing. But really, let’s not feed my vagina anything that you’d feed a horse, okay? Actually, can we agree to just not feed my vagina at all? Awesome. Thanks.
2. Donkey Punch: Dude fucks someone in the ass from behind. Dude punches that someone in the back of the head or neck while fucking them in the ass from behind, which in turn forces them to tighten their ass muscles and make it all the more pleasurable for said Dude.
Punching? Seriously? I mean, what? Let’s get something straight here, if I’m going to be cool enough to let you put it in my ass, you sure as hell better not do something like, oh, I don’t know, PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD WHILE I’M BEING GENEROUS AND GIVING YOU A PIECE OF THIS ASS.
3. Dirty Sanchez: Right after anal sex, the guy takes his penis out and rubs it on his partner’s upper lip, leaving a “moustache.”
Excuse me, but what did I just say? I’m being generous by giving you a piece of this ass! Please tell me you are not even considering putting your post-anal dick on my face. My face! Near my mouth! What the fuck is the MATTER with you.
4. Boston Pancake: When a dude defecates on the other person’s chest, pats down the feces with his ass to make it into a flat surface, and then ejaculates on it to create the “syrup.”
I mean. I just. It’s just. I can’t. Do people really? I mean. Like. But. Vomit stab vomit stab.
5. Alligator Fuckhouse: During sex, one person bites the other person’s neck, locks their arms and legs down and goes into a deathroll, all while maintaining insertion.
I’m not going to lie, this one is amazing. In fact, this is the only one on the list that I actually want to try. And by “want to try” I mean “would consider doing on a one night stand before getting up, fist pumping, yelling ‘alligator fuckhouse!’ and walking out.”
6. Abe Lincoln: When a guy ejaculates on the face of his unconscious partner and then shaves off his pubic hair and applies it to the semen covered area to form a beard.
Imagine this scenario for a second. Seriously, imagine that you drank a little too much tequila one night, passed out at a guy’s house, and woke up with a SEMEN AND PUBIC HAIR BEARD the next day. How do you get through that? Where do you even go with your entire life from there? God, and what if you also woke up wearing a black top hat? WHAT THEN!
7. Snowballing: The act of passing cum back and forth between two or more people’s mouths. As it gets passed, the amount of saliva and cum gets larger and larger. As in, it snowballs.
Who’s sitting around after giving a blowjob thinking, “Man, I haven’t swallowed yet, I wonder if this dude and his roommate and that chick on the street want to snowball with me.” No one, that’s who. Except there’s a name for it, so obviously someone is doing this and if that person is you it would be stellar if you could please raise your hand so I know not to share a water bottle with you ever, ever again.
8. Felching: The act of sucking semen from the anus. When the semen is too deep inside the rectum, it can be done with a drinking straw.
A drinking straw. A DRINKING STRAW. I have nothing else to say about this. Someone please remove my eyes so I can stop with this list. Maybe you could just suck them out with a drinking straw. Sigh. THE HORROR.
9. Bukkake: A group of dudes getting together to masturbate and ejaculate on one woman. The objective (because apparently things like this come with objectives) is to get as much cum on her as possible.
Yeah bro, this is exactly what every woman wants. Oh no wait, I don’t think there’s anything I’d want less than this. Except to do the thing with the semen and the anus and the drinking straw.
Okay, deep breath, that’s it. I mean, that’s NOT it but I had to stop somewhere because otherwise I’d go on forever and ever because the realm of weird sex is virtually limitless. But I’m stopping because I’m pretty sure you already hate me. Do you hate me? It’s okay, I understand if you do, even I hate me right now. Oh well, at least if you’ve made it this far you know all the same fucked up things that I know and I can now be all, “welcome to the dark side see you in hell thank you the end.”