Aunt Becky Makes A Porno

A friend of mine, who runs the super successful blog, Texts from Last Night, sent me a message the other week telling me that someone had found her co-blog by searching for “Aunt Becky Porn.” I don’t know what’s more shocking about this: that I have friends, that I have friends who are super-successful, or that someone would search for “Aunt Becky Porn.” Although, I suppose, that anyone who has a blog should know that people will—and do—search for the darnedest things. And by “darnedest” I mean, of course, the sort of shit that makes me want to bathe in bleach after thoroughly scouring my body with a nice, stiff, wire brush for several hours. The only way I can manage to get through the day and still blog knowing that some Uncle Pervy is scouring it, is to pretend that it’s a robot. Because, wouldn’t you?

But knowing that someone was searching for “Aunt Becky Porn” and ended up on another blog was pretty hilarious to me. The searching robot could have been looking for the beloved character from Full House, you remember her, right? Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend? Lori What’s-Her-Name? It’s entirely possible that this person-bot wasn’t searching for YOUR Aunt Becky in a porn because, Pranksters and Toy With Me-ers, Your Aunt Becky has never MADE a porn.

I know, I know, you’re shocked.

That got me thinking about making a porn, though, and how while I have gigantic (fake) balls of diamonds and platinum, I don’t know that I could actually make a porno. I know I’ve confessed previously that I’m afraid of my vagina, causing a number of you to send me links to Labia Necklaces (made, of course, TO ORDER from pictures of YOUR OWN FUCKING LABIA, the horrors of which, I cannot un-see no matter how many pictures of cute, fluffy puppies I look at), and a couple of you to yell at me about it. Which, okay, you can be mad at me for being afraid of my vagina—and all of it’s assorted anatomical parts, the names of which I am intimately familiar with but makes for terrible satire writing–all you want, people. I’m not telling YOU to be afraid of YOUR vagina (from now on I will be using vagina as a blanket term to include the labia minor, labia major, vestibule or urethra), nor should you be.

People give porn stars a bad reputation, but damn, I think they’re gutsy as hell for getting naked under those harsh lights and having The Sex in front of cameras (and then with some careful editing and rockin’ music added in) for all the world to see. I haven’t ever watched myself have The Sex, but I like to imagine it’s sort of like watching a bag of pudding and a canned ham bumping together awkwardly for a couple of minutes. Then again, my imagination doesn’t always do me any favors, so that’s probably a strike in my general direction as far as being filmed while Doing The Deed. So my props to you, you sexy porn stars, for all of the confidence you must possess to have The Sex in front of cameras, harsh lights and a gazillion people roaming around telling you to “move this way” and “moan louder.” Your Aunt Becky couldn’t do it, even if she were plastered in Tijuana and high on methamphetamines. NOT THAT I’VE EVER TRIED OR ANYTHING.

But then, because my imagination wouldn’t stop, I had to find out how people got INTO porn in the first place. I certainly don’t know anyone who stars in porn and I live in the computer which pretty much means I should know someone who does EVERYTHING, but even after trying to beat the three brain cells I have left around my skull, I could think of no one that even remotely resembled a porn star. There went my shot at an actual interview for my Toy With Me column, and I admit that I felt a little sad in the pants for a couple of minutes as I regrouped.

Refusing to be defeated by this setback, I turned to my trusty sidekick, Google. I typed: “How To Get Into Porn” into my search box, and got a little nervous about what would pop up, because dude, it’s The Internet and you never DO know. All my fears, though, were for nothing because immediately popped up some real advice about breaking into the porn industry. Who knew?

Apparently, if Aunt Becky wanted to break into porn, she could, with a few tips and tricks from actual porn stars (or maybe their management companies)! Now that YouPorn and YouTube put up a lot of free content and the rest of the Internet is bursting with other types and places and sites to find all sorts of pornography, the pornography industry is adjusting their business model in order to stay afloat. A lot of porn stars have their own websites, often with useful content about the porn industry itself, among, of course, the videos and pictures.

In skimming the information I found because I am illiterate and have the attention span of a gnat, I’m still pretty sure that I’ll never make it as a porn star. I mean, sure, I could burst into the amateur scene and maybe do some bondage stuff, but really, I don’t think it’s my thing. I think I’ll leave porno making to the pros and stick with mediocre blogging, because that’s really more my speed. Oh, and I should probably add that often the number five most searched for term on my own blog isn’t “Aunt Becky Porn” or “Mommy Wants Vodka” or even “Aunt Becky.” It is “Boring Things.” So, there you have it. Proof that The Internet is really, really smart.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. I thought nothing could make porn funnier, but I was wrong.

  2. The pudding and the canned ham floored me. I will be thinking about it and laughing all day.

  3. a couple of notes:

    1) i never do anything i love for money. why? because then it's a job and that means i'm working to please SOMEONE ELSE and i start to hate it. my worst nightmare is to start looking at sex like a job. might as well put on a dress and have people call me a WOMAN. (i kid, i kid!) but seriously, way to take the specialness out of something. mechanics have the worst running cars, because who the fuck wants to go fix their car after fixing cars all day?

    2) after struggling with the cloneawilly kit, i have to say that the dick in porn has a much more "mental" job. the hole has lube to grease the skids, so to speak, but if there ain't no hardon, there really ain't no porn (pure lesbo porn doesn't have this issue, since dildos are always ready to rock). i guess you could do skinemax style softcore emulation, but that's not what we pay for. we want the cheesecake. the bottom line is that keeping a stiffy for an HOUR, while you're WORKING and only kinda sorta enjoying yourself is a lot more challenging than most people think.

    3) to kind of go along with #1, i've always wondered what do porn stars do for PLEASURE sex, like, when they're NOT working? say you're someone like kelly wells.. basically a filthy whore (and i say that with respect) who is well known for taking very large insertions, multiple penetrations, aggressive, gangbang sex, etc. what the hell do you do to spice things up in your PERSONAL sex life? does she even HAVE one?

    it seems to me that being a productive mainstream porn star is pretty antithetical to having fulfilling, rewarding, intimate one on one sex with a long term partner. i could be wrong, but if i'm not, that's really shitty.

  4. "but I like to imagine it’s sort of like watching a bag of pudding and a canned ham bumping together awkwardly for a couple of minutes"

    Now that's one hell of a visual

  5. Bat Cave Twidget says:

    I made an amateur porn flick in college. It was me, my boyfriend and another guy. Tons of fun except that the other guy was gay and I had to fight him to actually get a piece of my boyfriend but the experience of sucking his dick with another guy was something to remember no matter how drunk or how many antibiotics I had taken that night. Gay guy's boyfriend was the camera man. I sure do wish I knew what happened to that video… (see, back then it was VHS tape. DVDs were not even a twinkle in anybody's eye).

  6. holy yoni! what's wrong with my friends that they never told me about the labia necklace.

    i wish i was porno material. then i'd release my porno under a highly managed viral campaign and claim in the media that it was stolen from my home to further boost my viewership. i'd pretend i wasn't an exhibitionist, but a total victim. booyah! a girl can dream, can't she.

  7. Just what exactly would you say to someone wearing their labia on a string around their neck?

    “I like your necklace.” seems like it might be a come on.

  8. I am laughing so hard right now, I can't get past the canned ham. F-ing awesome.

  9. Both! Vodka and vagina's make a good combination.

  10. You are so effin hilarious, I do not know which blog to look at vodka or vagina…

  11. I would think sex with me would look a little like a stir fry being shaken in a bag.

  12. Shit. I just sent you a labia necklace as a belated birthday gift. I HAD IT MADE JUST FOR YOU! IT'S ONE OF A KIND, BECKY.

    You're so unappreciative sometimes, I swear.

  13. Dear God…..I will NOT be purchasing a labia necklace any time soon!!!!!!

  14. Bag of pudding bumping up against a canned ham? Pervert. When did you install the camera in my bedroom? Great post! And I agree, porn stars, have a lot more balls (pun intended) than I do as well.