Breastfeed My Husband? Hell No!

Breastfeeding rocks!Last week we talked about the inappropriateness of semen as a recipe ingredient, and we choked and we gagged and we barfed on our keyboards. My poor husband was terribly depressed by this as he was under the impression that most women love the taste of semen (porn being his only point of reference here) and he was disheartened to learn that I am not the only woman on the planet who gags at the thought of it rolling down her throat.  We all think it’s gross, dear.  Porn actresses are, well, ACTING like they like it.  But they don’t.  I promise.  Even the girls who smile while they perform gokkun with a full 1000cc beaker.

Some commenters even said they’d rather cook with breast milk than semen, and I couldn’t agree more.  At least it’s meant to be consumed.  Semen on the other hand, is NOT.  That’s why it doesn’t taste good.  Semen — not food — tastes bad.  Breast milk tastes good, because it’s food.

Just ask the kids in this video:

See?  Delicious!

I couldn’t watch that whole thing, could you?  Once they started drawing pictures of mommy’s boobs, and giving them names, I was out.  I feel really, very sorry for those poor little girls once the kids at school catch wind of this insanity.  Those kids are way too old to be nursing.

You know who else is too old?

My husband.

The other night, our baby fell asleep before being nursed for the night, and I was getting a little uncomfortable with all the boob juice on deck and I didn’t feel like pumping,  so being the good and selfless husband he is, my beloved offered to help me out.

By drinking it… from the tap.

And he was really serious.

He would have done it if I had let him, but I didn’t because the very idea of nursing my husband makes me die a little bit inside.

No, scratch that–Actually, it makes me die a lot inside and it gives me the heebie-jeebies and I want to jump all around the room shouting Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! When I mentioned this to a friend over dinner, she told me her husband has offered to do the same thing and we were both just like what the fucking fuck is up with that?

Not everyone feels this way.  For some people, it ain’t no big thang.  In fact, they think of an adult nursing relationship as an act of love and intimacy.

Honestly?

I find this a little creepy.

I guess I’m not enough of an earth mother as to embrace the notion of feeding all creatures big and small from my bosom.  Shit, I don’t even get all the way naked when we do Sexy Time because my top half belongs to the baby, and it’s totally off limits as far as anything sexual is concerned.  I don’t even want my husband to touch them, and it’s not because they hurt or anything, it’s just because they’re strictly for utilitarian purposes; right now, they’re for FEEDING THE BABY, and that’s it.

Don’t get me wrong, when I’m finished nursing in a couple of months, it. is. on. honey.   But until then, it’s ix-nay on the boob-play.

And so for me, the whole idea of people nursing other grown people is just…confusing.  It’s not because  I  have hang-ups about breast milk.  It’s not gross.  I’ve tasted it.  It’s baby food, and if I can feed it to my baby, I can feed it to my husband, right?

Nay, nay.  I don’t get how people can have milk to nourish an infant, and then turn around and involve that same milk in Sexy Time.  I’m never one to be bringing The Almighty into things, but it is not what God intended.

I mean, I can understand that adults are attracted to the “packaging” because it’s rather nice, and gets even nicer when engorged, but actually drinking milk from the boobages opens the door for the sucky-fucky to rise to a new level of kinky. If we’re breastfeeding our boyfriend/husband/neighbor/fuckbuddy/uncle, are we also putting diapers on him and cleaning up when there’s  a stinky in his pants? Where does one draw the line?

Sometimes I feel like my husband’s mother as it is: I remind him to take a bath and to brush his teeth.  I buy him clothes.  I schedule his doctor’s appointments.  I send him to go and “play outside” (aka yard work).  I make sure he eats his vegetables.  I scold him when he eats too much candy and stays up till 2 in the morning playing on the Wii.  I don’t really think I need to nurture him any more than I already do.

Also, he calls me “mommy.”

Now that I think about it, we’ve already crossed some lines…

Anymyrelationshipwithmyhusbandmightbetotallysick, I want to leave some room in this conversation for your comments (that’s a fancy way of saying I ran out of shit to say).  Sooooooo, do any of you Toy With Mes engage in this nursing behavior?  Have you ever tasted the boobie juice?  Have you made it a part of Sexy Time?  Are you horrified right now?  OR are you totally turned on??

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. Horrified! :-O

  2. I’ve been nursing since July 17, 2006. My son nursed through his brothers pregnancy (he was 21 months old when his brother was born) Now, he’s weaned but I’m still nursing his 20 month old brother.
    Needless to say, any & all “boob juice” topics have come up in our house. Including this one!
    I’ve tasted it, he’s tasted it. I even poured like, a tbsp of it in his coffee, once, after pumping. He did drink it,and said it was great coffee =X
    Cancer patients buy breastmilk on the black market, for the incredible health benefits it has. The average age of weaning is much different through out the world, as opposed to the US. I’ve seen that video & while my mom (and my DH’s mom) nursed both of us into toddlerhood, as I also I did, with my first son ( he’s 3.5 now & not nursing, but was until the end of 09)
    However,that video even weirded me out.I was making my Barbie dolls boink Ken, at that age, not asking to nurse!!!
    Also, the oxytocins that breastmilk stimulate in the brain & body, are why sometimes, little baby boys can get erections, while nursing ( I’m in the process of becoming a lactation consultant ;-)
    I’d ASSUME that’s why it’s..ahh.. a turn on, I guess, for some. I mean, if you want to get all technical, and try to find ANY sort of reason why these adult babies arent just twisted. From what I’ve read & seen of them, well, I’m going with just twisted. Some of that is just F-ed up & burned into my brain, after reading ((gag))
    My DH knows if his life were threatened & somehow, boob milk could fix it, I’d let him nurse ( hey, it’s that or DIE) but.. he & I are both on the same page with keeping breastmilk & sexy time separated. LOL

  3. Oh, and I made my husband watched that video about 2 years ago, and we STILL both say “but its better than mallows!!”
    when we like something, LOL! =X
    Ahhhh!!!!!..that ones burnt in the brain too!
    And sorry, for the story, above!!

  4. I needed my husband to help remove my breast milk because I had a blocked duct and my son did not have a strong enough latch. However, it was never a sexual thing.

  5. Aww you have to watch the whole thing! The best part is when the older girl talks about how yummy it is. “better than a million melons!” hahaha that family is so strange but I’m totally fascinated by it. Breast milk is for babies! And also apparently maybe for the terminally ill.

  6. wait.

    you don’t like the taste of semen??

  7. I wouldn’t mind letting my husband try on for the first time whenever I get pregnant and breastfeed my child. ;p

  8. Hubs got some milk inadvertantly a few times during sexy time when I was breast feeding. I couldn’t put them off limits, its one of my best spots. But if actually milking me for nourishment had been his goal I would have totally freaked out.

  9. My breastiches started leaking about 2 months before I gave birth and my Dh was totally afraid of them after that… until after I stopped bfing. While I do in theory believe that breasts can have more than one function (feeding the baby and pleasing the husband)- the thing about the breasts while you are bfing is that you can’t turn them off. It is not like there is some switch that you can flip that makes the milk not come while your husband is playing with them. Mine were totally off limits for the almost two years I nursed.

  10. Nope, didn’t watch the whole thing. Kids that are old enough to tie their shoes and wipe their own bums should not still be breast feeding.

  11. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Now I have the “Got Milk” rap stuck in my head.

  12. I made it all the way through the video “Once your off to college there is absolutely no more breast feeding” . Actual quote. Yep, that’s her limit on her daughters. So, it’s okay with her if they are still latching on at 16, but not 18. WTF??
    I didn’t do the breastmilk. I couldn’t. Was young and a bit skeeved out by it with my first child, don’t judge me, I was really young! Wanted to but the doctors wouldn’t allow me due to health concerns with my daughter, so I have never experienced it. Can’t imagine I would have been okay with daddy grabbing a drink from the nipps at will or for sexual pleasure…….I’m a bit(by bit I mean raging) of a kink but that moves to the mom realm which crosses my boundaries.
    So, mom in video-0 Crisssy-1

  13. Just to offer a slightly dissenting opinion, here:

    It’s really common, actually. (I’m determinedly ignoring the video). You’re watching your wife/partner breastfeeding your child, and it’s this beautiful, incredibly bonding experience, and you want in. It’s as simple as that.

    I also have to admit I don’t understand why your breasts can’t be sexual and beautiful and erogenous even while you’re breastfeeding. From everything I’ve heard, there’s a metric fuckton of women out there who get aroused from breastfeeding. Why not use it?

  14. I wasn’t going to comment until I happened to click on the “Land of Milk and Honey” website….

    I’m speechless.

  15. Not My Real Name says:

    I only breastfed for about a month because I was young at the time and I was going to a wedding and I wanted to get my drink on. In the one month time period father of said child said he wanted to try it. Me being open to just about anything said, sure, go for it. He liked it, said it tasted good. That was it. Never asked for it again. Thank God because our dear QOFE is right. Having a husband/boyfriend/live in lover etc is like having another fucking child to take care. God forbid they get sick. They’re worse then kids. Kids still want to go out and play when they have a fever. Try getting a man to do ANYTHING when sick. Ain’t-going-to-happen.

  16. While I was feeding babygirl- they were hers. Hands off. But she’s not been feeding for two and a half years now, and my boobs still make a little milk (not a lot, more of a few drops when they are hard, or a squirt or two when squeezed (btw, is this normal???)), and I really love when my guy squeezes and sucks them, and yes tastes the milk. But I kinda figure this is just one of my bodies kinda hot things… It’s been so long that my boobs have nothing to do with babes now

  17. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    @Wicked Shawn – I, like Crissy, stopped watching the video when they started drawing breastage pic’s. I wonder if this would be such a nurturing and bonding experience to continue nursing til 16 if her children were boys.

    Tit for Teat. When it comes down to it your milk is coming from either one or the other.

  18. I don’t know that I’d do it. But I do support it as a choice for some people. Even if I don’t get it.

  19. I always wanted to hire a wet nurse for my babies because my boobs are so small they were starving when they nursed. I know what they say……..it doesn’t matter what size your boobs are, but trust me, I’m stuck wearing a 32AA……there are 2nd graders with bigger chesticles than I have………Anyway…nursing an adult or a 4 year old for that matter seems a bit too much.

  20. Yeah. Ew. However- I’ve TOTALLY used an overfull breast as a milk gun. IT may be dumb but it’s funny esp when you’re partner is kind of a neat freak, squeals when hits then whines a little about being sticky.

  21. I agree that there should limits. My husband has tasted it out of curiousity, and inadvertently got sprayed a few times, too.

    However, not much is funnier than experiencing the type of squirting that is involved with the first few weeks nursing. Besides in those early days it’s either laugh or cry for survival.

  22. Mine always leak during sex while breast feeding. We’ve never been that hung up about it. Is there some milk exchange occuring? Oh sure. Big deal. Its a pretty sweet and pleasant taste. Personally I’d much rather have a mango or a melon though! With my first, it was like a fire hose went off when I came. We just kept a towel beside the bed for the express purpose of stemming the fount! But then, its not like DH is fixated on nursing either. That would probably skeeve me out. I’m not playing kinky nursemaid with anyone, thanks.

    Actually I can express a few drops of milk for YEARS after I breastfeed, so if I made me off limits till every bit of milk was gone, I’d be without nip action for WAY too long. They’d probably petrify or something! Besides-mine are always more sensitive when I’m nursing-something about that whole engorgement pain/pleasure thing is all kinds of fun! Who wants to miss out on THAT?

  23. @Emma Totally normal. :)

    I really don’t get the big deal. Hubs likes sucking my nipples, I like him doing it, if he gets milk too, which of course he does when I have a nursling, whatever. If I made it off limits, it would have been a very long 7 years.

  24. Just adding that’s 7 years (so far) between 3 kids, btw. And the girl in the video stopped nursing around when it was filmed. Biologically speaking, weaning age for humans is 4-8 years.

  25. i wonder if you eat a shitload of chocolate, does the milk start to taste like it?

    i suggest a trial.

  26. DID YOU FIND THE PEOPLE WHO SELL THEIR BREASTMILK ONLINE? Because damn, hello AWESOME.

  27. To, I should clarify, Uncle Pervies.

  28. i want to make breast milk ice cream.

  29. kakakakaitlyn says:

    CP – Breastmilk ice cream has already been invented. And from what I hear, its pretty good. But I’m a woman, and to drink another womans boob-juice is NASSSTAAAY to the extreme to me!!! I also hear that if you do eat a lot of one thing, bodily liquids can start to taste like it. Kind of like when you eat a lot of carrots, you start to turn orange. But… Im not a doctor, Im a chef… so I only know about food. haha.

    It would be interesting to try the whole chocolate flavored boob-juice theory. I wonder if that would translate with beer. You know, like the saying “beer flavored nipples”. Interesting.

  30. Anonymous says:

    I completely feel the same way you do on this subject. My husband didn’t get much play when I was drying up from my first child (she wouldn’t latch and I chose to bottle feed). This time around he wanted to make sure he could have some playtime with the girls. I agreed thinking that he just wanted a little action and to not be kept away from them – but today he expressed that understanding to include him tasting or sucking on them while breastfeeding. I was disgusted – I find it revolting honestly. I could handle if a drip came out here or there because of the stimulation, but to literally suckle me? There’s no way in hell I would ever be comfortable with this concept. I’m glad I’m not the only one to feel this way. To each their own, I would never judge someone else – but at the same time, when it comes to me, I honestly would rather dry up than put out. Of course this has caused some issues in the relationship, but I’m standing my ground on this one. I don’t think anyone should EVER do anything they aren’t comfortable with sexually, just not gonna happen!

  31. Breastfeeding an adult definitely isn’t normal. But honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered this fabled “normal” relationship. I can see why a woman might be put off by the idea of nursing her husband. I can also see why a guy might want to do it. The sexual reasons seem obvious. For some guys it’s just all about the boobs, and if you’re one of those guys, the thought of losing them for 2 years is pretty depressing. It might make you think of just about any way to get back at them.

    On the other hand, I can also understand the non-sexual motivations. I think it has to do with a perceived loss of emotional intimacy. Guys may not readily admit it, but emotional closeness is important for us too. Having a baby taking up all of your wife’s time and attention can make you feel less important to her. Despite the socially accepted image of the “real man” whose only emotions are angry, hungry, and horny, most of us are a bit more complicated.

    Just for something to think about; consider how many people around the world cover their morning cereal in the breast milk of an animal that isn’t even the same species. Your idea of “normal” really doesn’t stem from an idea of right or wrong. Normal is merely the set of ideas that you have been bombarded with since childhood.

  32. Amiblue says:

    Huh. While I am all for breastfeeding, I think that would be a little on the uncomfortable side at that age. More because of the age than anything.

    Regarding Hubby having a go, there were times when I was so full that it was beyond painful, I would have done ANYTHING to get him to take a bit off the top. Unfortunately, he isn't into that sort of thing. That does make it easier for me to say hands off the rest of the time though. ;-) Lol!

    Great Read!!

  33. Oh, Pshaw. Being weirded out by this, like most things, is a function of unfamiliarity and not some kind of inherent response to perversion or anything. This isn't like sex play with poop or incest or anything; if you tried it with an open mind and without any aberrant psychological hang-ups or misplaced moral reservations, your reaction would be either, "that's somehow exciting/satisfying," or, "meh, doesn't do anything for me."

    Anyway, as far as I can tell most adult nursing relationships (or whatever) don't turn into the mother/child dynamic. Some do, but most don't.

    I have to figure that this is the kind of thing–like spanking and other milder sorts of bdsm–that people have done all throughout history, but haven't talked about. It's such an intuitive thing to be curious about, and the opportunity is too ubiquitous, for that not to be the case.

  34. I want to go back to the come thing.

    I like it. When my partner comes I am delighted and therefore delighted to swallow it, or feel it on my body. As I get more excited during sex and coming gets closer to happening I do in fact , long to have it in me, or on me somewhere. Not because it tastes delicious though it doesn't taste bad but because it is mine, I made it and I want it. Come is the grand finale. One of the delights of sex, to me, is the smell of our mixed fluids afterwards. I particularly like the way come smells. I get very turned on by the smell. I've always imagined that it's some sort of chemical thing. it makes sense to me that this might be true, right?

    The last time my guy and I had sex i jerking him off and when he came I found myself scooping come from his belly, were it landed, and rubbing it on my pussy. It was for me a very, very hot experience.

    So yes, some of us women do love come.

    I like to think my partner loves the feel, taste and smell of my lubrication too, again, it seems to make chemical sense that he would.

  35. I’m sorry but I couldn’t help but notice this…. Your husband plays the wii until two o’clock in the morning? Get that man an Xbox!

  36. Alicia Milan says:

    Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if I had a husband and he wanted / was willing to nurse off me when I had too much milk and didn’t feel like pumping … the extra nursing would probably help increase my milk supply. I’m not so sure I would consider it “erotic” but probably more so just another loving comfortable act and remind me that he is not creeped out by the changes in my body. And if the experience is a little sexual – yay ! I’ve never had kids but oddly enough my ex did get a little milk out of me one day, after a lot of sucking .. we were both a little puzzled at the time, he said it was really sweet and then went back to what he was doing…lol

    If I were in this exact situation, I would be more upset at having to tell him to go bathe, to eat his veggies, to brush his teeth, etc.

  37. mama bean says:

    Before I was pregnant I.loved for my guy to suck on me for long periods of time. It got me off so hard! It eventually go t to the point my breasts would produce drops of milk. Now that am twenty weeks along I think about it all the time. I love wearing my nursing bra and get off on all sorts of breast play, from hand expressing, massaging and yes my man sucking on them til I cum. I He enjoys the taste

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