A Collection Of Semen Based Recipes

Semen based recipesWarning: Most people will find this post a little hard to swallow. I cannot recommend eating while reading it because I’m having a hard time not gagging while I’m writing it, but write it I must! The people need to know about this:

Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes by Fotie Photenhauer

It’s a cum cookbook, and it’s real. At first I thought it must be some kind of an urban legend, or one of those joke emails, but it’s not. Somebody actually wrote this book, intending for people to cook with jizz.

Here’s an excerpt from the introduction:

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.

This book hopes to change that.

Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cook book!

Uh-huh.

And there’s a note at the beginning of the book that warns readers not to put the magic ingredient in their guest’s food without telling them first. It goes on to say that the recipes were all tested by the author and his friends, and I have a question: What’s that dinner party like?

Guest: Gee, the semen does go well with the salmon. I think it could even use a little more sauce, actually.

Author: Hold on. Let me get you some (jerks off onto guest’s plate). If you want more, you’re going to have to give me a minute.

Guest: Mmmmmm. Much better! Thanks! Semen Salmon is the best thing EVER!

That’s a real recipe, you know. Semen Salmon. Only it’s called Glazed Grilled Pink Salmon.

Other recipes include things like the obligatory High Protein Smoothie from the “Drink” section.

My husband is always offering to add a little “extra protein, Hahahahahaha!” to my breakfast smoothies, as I’m sure many other husbands do too because boys are so, so, mature.

Now we have a recipe! The ingredients are hard to see in the image but take my word for it. It calls for 2-3 teaspoons of fresh semen!

Cum smoothie

It’s got kiwi in it!

Huhuhuhuhu.

In the “Appetizer” chapter, we have things like Slightly Saltier Caviar. Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce heads the list of “Main Courses,” and the Pungent Aioli is from the “Sauces” section. The “Dessert” chapter is maybe the funniest one because the dishes are all “creamy” this and “white center” that, and the author suggests that for maximum effect, the semen should be added just before serving–even at the table if possible. My favorite is the Tiramisu Surprise. I like anything with the word Surprise in it.

Here’s a picture of Man Made Oysters:

Man Made Oysters

GAH!

Did you just throw up a little bit?

I was never a big fan of Oysters anyway, but that picture pretty much guarantees I will never, ever eat one again.

How about this cocktail?

The Almost White Russian. Vodka, Coffee Liqueur and semen!

Almost White Russian

Get it? Cocktail?

I don’t know you guys. I’m kind of skeptical about actually cooking with cum because really? A lot of the recipes call for a tablespoon or more, and last I checked, even though it feels like a quart when it’s hitting your back or going into your eye, isn’t a BIG cum shot like a teaspoon, max?

For me, this raises concerns about production and storage. If you’re having a big dinner party and you need like, a cup of the stuff, that’s a lot of planning ahead. We’re rarely prepared that far in advance, and I doubt anyone else is either. It’s just not practical. Maybe if it was a BYOC party?

And then there’s the taste factor. I don’t really like the taste of semen. It kind of makes me gag. A lot. I can’t even eat alfalfa sprouts because I think they taste exactly like it. My dislike for the flavor is a terrible disappointment to my poor husband because he doesn’t get a lot of blow jobs because of it. Also, I’ve got the TMJ. And I’m kind of a shitty wife. But I know I’m not alone. Most women I know think semen is yucky too. My husband is convinced that if he can make semen taste like top shelf chocolate, he can bring about world peace because apparently, all the wars and shit are just because everyone wants a blow job.

He should team up with the author of this book and maybe they can win the Nobel Peace Prize or something.

I wonder if Martha Stewart would think this cookbook is a good thing? How about America’s Test Kitchen ? Or better yet, Simply Ming. He’s always working with a “master sauce” that he uses throughout the episode. Maybe he can whip up a divine cream of sum yung gai?

Hahahahaha!

Ew.

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. I know it sounds strange but my wife takes me for her health. She suffers from menopause. All her hot flashes stopped and she has way more energy when she takes me. Her overall health just plain got better. When she stopped taking me her health all went back to hot flashes and headaches and such and just plain had no energy. So she’s been taking me for 7 or 8 years now one to three times a week. And sweet fruit consumed by the male does make it taste sweet, no bitter taste at all. We haven’t thought about recipes to make it better. We did find that it is safe to consume. Your poor husband and you are missing out, to bad. I guess each to his own. Thanks

  2. It is not insurering at all.

  3. The reviews on the book had me laughing ! :) I would have thought it was a joke but I already knew it wasn’t.
    I seem to be in the minority a lot here, but I didn’t really mind the taste of semen… there was only once that it tasted awful to me. I only swallowed once because I struggle with acid reflux and it was even worse back then .. I have been single for almost a decade now and I find that sometimes I actually miss the taste. I’ve only been with one man and maybe other guys out there produce some awful tasting stuff – I have no data on that. but my ex’s wasn’t that bad at all .. tasted sort of like mushrooms.

    As for this book, the recipes don’t really sound appealing to me with or without this special ingredient. Given the nutrition and health benefits of semen, I would be far more likely to swallow or even add some to smoothies, if I was to end up in another relationship.

    The things that creep me out about this are actually the thought of cooking or blending spermies while they’re still alive… the fact that I could NEVER use the same pots, pans, mixing bowls and utensils to cook for my family or guests… cos I would always know what had been in them…. And the idea of Unsuspecting dinner guests or even dinner guests willing to consume foods made with semen – that is so creepy, I can hardly process it ! and depending on the situation, it’s that (God forbid) putting unsuspecting people at the risk for STD’s / STI’s .. or would cooking kill off any germs ?

    • Personally I’m not a fan of cooking to begin with but even if I was there’s no way I would cook with sperm. I think your smoothie idea is a good option though, for nutrition benefits, clearly. As for STD’s I think if you cook it that would do the trick, don’t hold me to that though.

  4. Merlin Butler says:

    My grandmother loved this book as a gift!! However, when we made some of the recipes together she found some of the recipes too salty. Great gift, excellent recipes!

  5. "Who's cooking tonight?" "I think Jeremy is horny and ready to bust a nut. Let's head over there for dinner tonight." "Let's watch porn later and I'll make dessert for all of us." ROFL

    It would be remotely hot seeing my male buds eating my cum cooked snacks while we watch a game and drink beer. Maybe even have a tasting party. LOL

    FACT: A large majority of men did, or currently do on ocassion "eat their own" so what's the big deal?

  6. Bonjour. I am an 18 year old homosexual male, not quite sure if i'd be welcome round this site, but i'd just like to say. I would enjoy this cook-book so much. I understand and respect your opinions in the fullest, i just kind of wanted to say something… I apologize if my posting here has bothered anyone who frequents this site. Oh, and sorry for the pointless post, i'm rather awkward around other people and cant collect my thoughts properly.

  7. candlejack says:

    I feel so weird but I’d actually eat this as my partner’s semen is really yummy.

  8. i prefer to eat the semen direcdtly from a hard dick

  9. chrissy f says:

    ok so these guys may have no problem volunteering thier cum for these "surprises" but how many would actually want to consume what they just expelled? whether it was cooked or not? i think i poll should be done cause i dont know many men that would actually wanna taste themselves. maybe if they did they wouldnt bug us women to swallow all the time lol. although i cant complain about my guy he doesnt have a displeasing taste at all so i guess he should feel pretty lucky. lol

  10. I just tried the white russian and oysters………loved them..
    I want to know where I can get this cook book

  11. I am a vegetarian, so eating another human’s body fluid is not part of my cuisine, besides, would eating semen make me a cannibal?

  12. I can imagine the author … "Here, have some semen with your smoothie!… " (or the other way around) " … It tastes really nice!"

  13. Looks delicious! Ha ha… OMG!

  14. I love you for being so disgusting.

  15. @TC – Just remember to take it off the coffee table when the in-laws come over.

  16. You know…this might sound weird…but I might actually buy this book. Why? It would make one HELL of a conversation piece in the house!

  17. Wow …. just … wow. I think I threw up in my mouth a little….

  18. Wow, I’ve never heard about this before. I have heard of the placenta thing, but this is too extreme.
    I’m shocked such a book even got published…….

  19. Please tell me you actually bought the book to look at while you wrote this… if so, can I have it? I totally want to just leave it out when people come over…. “Oh you want snacks? Just give me a moment…. honey, would you give me a hand in the kitchen?”

    Never again would we have college kids eating all our food…

  20. Megkathleen says:

    I know exactly what I’ll be bringing to next years white elephant party.

  21. @Ashley – “No related posts” Crissy out did herself this time :)

  22. OMG! This post was gut busting, but one of the best parts was in my reader, it says “No related posts” at the bottom. Such a perfect ending to a very humorous post!

  23. OMG! The oysters!…that which has been seen, cannot be unseen….gag…blech…

  24. This is certainly one of the most bizarre cookbooks I have ever seen. I certainly don’t think my cum would stretch that far, especially when my partner just loves the taste of my cum so much.

    If I managed to create enough of it, and actually work out how to store it, by the time we had enough, she would probably have swallowed it down.

  25. If you can read this, look at the oysters and not have your gag reflex kick in, you should consider being on Fear Factor. Hmmm…..perhaps Joe Rogan might like use some “Man Made Oysters” as the food challenge next season – YUM!

  26. ew. ew. ew.
    just ew.
    i was ok until the oyster pic, now excuse me while i puke
    ew.

  27. At first I thought the salmon was going to make me barf. Then I saw the oysters. And wanted to die. Twice.

  28. seriously who is the supplier for these foods, and can my husband be one? we need the cash.

    ps: monica lewinsky endorses this book.

  29. Does the book mention feeding your guy certain foods to improve/alter the taste of his cum?

    Is it weird that the only issue I see with this is the potential for STDs?

  30. My husband will NEVER EVER EVER see this post! I just died a bit on the inside! It killed the other half of what was left after I saw the people eatting placenta patee on TLC……

  31. Ack! Ew! Gag! And that’s just for the picture of the flan at the top of this post. As for the semen surprise recipes, just how in the world do you get enough to make something for a dinner party? What do you do if someone brings an extra guest or just stops by and you want to serve snacks? I really don’t want to know.

  32. Ok, yeah….gagged on the last one. But I made it the WHOLE post without gagging. I deserve a medal.

  33. That is gross but your post is absolutely hysterical!

  34. I think I may have gotten pregnant once from eating a recipe from that cookbook…

  35. That is so completely gross……anytime I get that crap anywhere on me (except for my vajaja) I gag quite a bit…….eewwoohhh

  36. I had actually heard of this book, but never saw a review. I didn’t look into it because, well, clearly it’s insane. And gross. And impractical. And have I mentioned gross?

    Thank goodness this post is so hilarious, because although my stomach held strong throughout, the oysters dish name and photo just about made me revisit my entire food consumption for the day. Yuck. As if oysters weren’t slimy and weird-tasting enough already.

  37. I had a buddy that was the Home Brew Meister, so much so, that he would sweep the beer contests at the local county fair.

    Because of his brewing prowess, he’d always get a bunch of home brew geeks asking him millions of questions, hopping, barley, fermenting, whatever.

    I told him one year he should enter his special Spooge Beer, and when everyone asked his secret, he could just smile and say, “Let’s just say, a little bit of me went into every bottle.”

    He never did it. Foowie!
    Or should I say “spooie”

  38. @ CP–semen’s bad rap is that it’s….SEMEN!

    @ Like chocolate chip cookie dough–I <3 your animation.

  39. … I prefer to eat it directly out of the tube.

    ;-O – – – c===

    ;-D

  40. No! I would take the milk too! Just like Mel said, it’s meant to be consumed!!!

  41. I would totally take the breast milk over the semen. Does that mean I’m a Lesbian?

  42. I guess men will do anything to get a girl to swallow….

  43. I do not think you can link breastmilk in with just any other bodily fluid. Mainly because breastmilk was meant to be consumed.

    Many moms that I know, who breastfed and pumped froze a ton of milk. Eventually they all ended up with some leftover, myself included. Rather than put all that time and effort just down the drain they baked it into breads, pancakes, etc, for their babies who were weaned off of breastmilk, so they still reaped some of the nutritional benefits.

  44. Aside from the fact that it is terribly presumptuous to think a guest wants to be indulging in your husband/boyfriend’s semen, there is the fact that I have been physically ill for up to 2 days following the ingestion of the stuff (enough times that it is NOT coincidence or simply bad timing, it is definitely the ingestion of the semen causing the projectile hurling… for 48 hours…) So, to be a good host/ess you would need to divulge that particular ingredient if you had guests and then, realistically, how many are going to ever eat at your dinner parties ever again?

    There is a time and a place for everything, I hardly think, though, that the dinner table is the time/place for semen. Cookbook or no.

  45. I can not believe that it is a real cookbook! Yesterday I discovered that there are whole websites dedicated to porn related to Harry Potter, and Disney Princesses, basically any cartoon ever. Now this.

  46. Ew, ew, ew…

  47. ..well..This was a great welcome, to get me to obsessively read your blog after this!

    And never eat oysters again..

    On an off note, I actually have some breastmilk recipes.. ((squirt squirt)) I havent made them, but some people sure do..
    I’d drink a strangers breastmilk before some strangers jizz (no matter HOWE amazing the recipe!)any day.. the days of stranger cum in my mouth have been long over since settling down ;-P

  48. oh.my.gosh. I giggled and gagged the whole time reading. I still can’t believe it’s a real cookbook. LOL I’d be curious as to how many sales it makes!!

  49. rachel’s comparison to breast milk made me wonder.

    is semen snuck into your food:

    grosser than spit?
    grosser than pee?
    grosser than snot?
    grosser than the food falling on the floor and having someone put it right back on your plate before it exits the kitchen?

    i have a suspicion a large part of semen’s bad rap is based in symbolism. which is kind of funny, since it is arguably the essence of all animal life on this planet.

  50. So while I was reading this, it hit me–I bet there are recipes out there for breastmilk too…sadly, I’m right. It’s not that I have a problem with either substance…but in my food?!

    On the other hand…what a deliciously evil way to get back at people you don’t like…or at least those who always come to dinner with the cheap wine!

  51. Uh…*gag gag gag*
    I can’t even imagine how much I would want to kill my hostesses if she fed me that ….WITHOUT telling me! Oysters and White Russians will never ever be the same.
    YUCK.

  52. I don’t exactly mind the taste of semen, but would never use it in a recipe — gag!

    If you DO have a problem with it, there’s this magic fruit (comes in tablet form) that supresses all your savory/bitter taste buds, so jizz doesn’t taste that bad. I did an experiment with my boyfriend last month. Seriously may change my (or his) life!:

    http://www.thegirlsguidetodepravity.com/2010/01/magic-berry-magic-spoodge-sweetener.html

  53. @CP – I want that mug!!!!

  54. Oh My Lord… I really don’t have any words. The vomit in my throat took them from me.

  55. I mean. I just. It’s just. I can’t. I mean. ldfjghdflkgjdflgkdj

  56. Okay, please forgive me my transgression here, but I must point this out. Ummm, I hate even going here, but it has to be said.

    Semen has a different taste depending on A) the man and B) what the man has eaten or had to drink within a certain time frame

    So, aren’t all of these recipes taking a huge risk of turning out like hell depending on the guy who errrr, volunteers his semen, I mean, what if the cocktail volunteer consumed a whole head (Zing! Pun, couldn’t control myself!) of garlic?? Yuck, Garlic Almost White Russian, no thank you sirs, keep your semen where it belongs, which is neither my cocktails or my dinner table, well, not on my food. ;)

  57. Cortgirl- Yeah. Mine keeps saying the same thing.

    Aunt Becky- That’s pretty much the same reaction I had. Only I had more gagging in there before the vomiting.

  58. Oh my god…I have to send this link to my husband. He’s always trying to tell me a little protein will help me feel better.

  59. What do they do if serving a large dinner party, bring in Trigger?

  60. Of course you love this post. Of course you do.

  61. Omgosh! YUCK! Gross! ROFL! All of those things and more! Could you imagine going to a resturaunt and having someone jizz in your soup? OMG, I am SURE it has happened before, but probably as a joke! K, real sick now! Those oysters look soooo throw up worthy and that smoothie, oh my stomach is churning! LOVE the post though, thanks for bringing this "cookbook" to my attention, hahaha!

  62. let me just go on the record as saying “i love this post.”

    CP

    ps here’s a pic of crissy trying out my custom, one-of-a-kind, extra-special unique smoothie:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/ken-gilbert/4365339540/

  63. Oh. My. God. Those oysters. I seriously can't stop gagging. Oh dear God

  64. I just vomited. Then I died. Then I woke up to vomit. Then I died again.