Warning: Most people will find this post a little hard to swallow. I cannot recommend eating while reading it because I’m having a hard time not gagging while I’m writing it, but write it I must! The people need to know about this:
It’s a cum cookbook, and it’s real. At first I thought it must be some kind of an urban legend, or one of those joke emails, but it’s not. Somebody actually wrote this book, intending for people to cook with jizz.
Here’s an excerpt from the introduction:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.
This book hopes to change that.
Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cook book!
And there’s a note at the beginning of the book that warns readers not to put the magic ingredient in their guest’s food without telling them first. It goes on to say that the recipes were all tested by the author and his friends, and I have a question: What’s that dinner party like?
Guest: Gee, the semen does go well with the salmon. I think it could even use a little more sauce, actually.
Author: Hold on. Let me get you some (jerks off onto guest’s plate). If you want more, you’re going to have to give me a minute.
Guest: Mmmmmm. Much better! Thanks! Semen Salmon is the best thing EVER!
That’s a real recipe, you know. Semen Salmon. Only it’s called Glazed Grilled Pink Salmon.
Other recipes include things like the obligatory High Protein Smoothie from the “Drink” section.
My husband is always offering to add a little “extra protein, Hahahahahaha!” to my breakfast smoothies, as I’m sure many other husbands do too because boys are so, so, mature.
Now we have a recipe! The ingredients are hard to see in the image but take my word for it. It calls for 2-3 teaspoons of fresh semen!
It’s got kiwi in it!
In the “Appetizer” chapter, we have things like Slightly Saltier Caviar. Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce heads the list of “Main Courses,” and the Pungent Aioli is from the “Sauces” section. The “Dessert” chapter is maybe the funniest one because the dishes are all “creamy” this and “white center” that, and the author suggests that for maximum effect, the semen should be added just before serving–even at the table if possible. My favorite is the Tiramisu Surprise. I like anything with the word Surprise in it.
Here’s a picture of Man Made Oysters:
Did you just throw up a little bit?
I was never a big fan of Oysters anyway, but that picture pretty much guarantees I will never, ever eat one again.
How about this cocktail?
The Almost White Russian. Vodka, Coffee Liqueur and semen!
Get it? Cocktail?
I don’t know you guys. I’m kind of skeptical about actually cooking with cum because really? A lot of the recipes call for a tablespoon or more, and last I checked, even though it feels like a quart when it’s hitting your back or going into your eye, isn’t a BIG cum shot like a teaspoon, max?
For me, this raises concerns about production and storage. If you’re having a big dinner party and you need like, a cup of the stuff, that’s a lot of planning ahead. We’re rarely prepared that far in advance, and I doubt anyone else is either. It’s just not practical. Maybe if it was a BYOC party?
And then there’s the taste factor. I don’t really like the taste of semen. It kind of makes me gag. A lot. I can’t even eat alfalfa sprouts because I think they taste exactly like it. My dislike for the flavor is a terrible disappointment to my poor husband because he doesn’t get a lot of blow jobs because of it. Also, I’ve got the TMJ. And I’m kind of a shitty wife. But I know I’m not alone. Most women I know think semen is yucky too. My husband is convinced that if he can make semen taste like top shelf chocolate, he can bring about world peace because apparently, all the wars and shit are just because everyone wants a blow job.
He should team up with the author of this book and maybe they can win the Nobel Peace Prize or something.
I wonder if Martha Stewart would think this cookbook is a good thing? How about America’s Test Kitchen ? Or better yet, Simply Ming. He’s always working with a “master sauce” that he uses throughout the episode. Maybe he can whip up a divine cream of sum yung gai?