I am blessed to have a whole bunch of perverted friends who email me on a daily basis with some wacky sex thing or another that would be perfect to write about for the Toy With Mes. I love that you all care so much! HUGS!
If you are such a pervert person and I haven’t written about your topic yet, just know that it’s all marinating in the vast and incomprehensible mind of Crissy (that’s incomprehensible in a good way, not in a Crissy is a whackadoo way, guys). You never know when your topic will decide to grace us, so keep your suggestions coming! I love it!
The other day at work, my friend, we’ll call her Tina because that is not her name, handed me a book called Instant gratification: an “anytime, anywhere” handbook for the Sexually Adventurous by Kate Stevens.
It’s a Spencer Gifts exclusive and you can find it there. You just have to go to the mall.
I love when things like this come across my desk because it’s like god is just hooking my shit up and my work is practically done for me already–someone else has come up with the cute stuff and all I need to do is tell you about it!
Flipping through the contents, there are a few interesting and unique places to make The Sexy Time that I quite honestly have never thought of or heard of before. I know I told you guys about all the Car Sex I’ve had in my life, but that’s kind of as nutsy with the fucksy as I’m willing to get. Except one time we did it on the dining room table WITH THE LIGHTS ON.
Whoa.
But this book is cute with all it’s creative Sexy Time ideas. There’s even a dandy little “Danger Rating” that goes with each location. It ranges from 0, being pretty safe not to get caught, all the way up to a 5 which means you’re pretty much going to get caught so be ready to zip the fuck up and run the hell away wicked fast.
Here are some of my faves ( I hate it when people say “faves.” it’s fucking annoying):
Apple picking, Danger rating: 3
In 9th grade I had a hotsy-totsy teacher named Mrs. Gray who had big bubbies. She had a sweater with apples on it, and she’d stick out her chest and offer to let the boys pick them. True story. If a teacher did that now she’d be so arrested it’s not even cute, but that was ages ago when teachers and students could get it on and nobody gave a shit. So that’s my apples and sex story, but the author of this book has a whole ‘nuther idea. You’re supposed to sort of climb into the tree and about swing from the branches whilst trying to avoid showing your bushel to the little kids on a class field trip. I don’t think I’m gonna try this one, but you can! Just remember, if you hear the kids, put Granny Smith back in her hidey hole and run tree fuckers! RUN!!!
Bushes, Danger Rating: 1
I once saw an ad on Craigslist (I was looking for a new bible study group. Shut up.) from a guy who was looking for some random girl he had recently hooked up with in the bushes at the park. He wanted to know if she had poison ivy all on her girl parts or if it was just him who got it on his nether belows. Apparently they did not follow the “leaves of three” rule as they were rolling around. In this instance, Craigslist can actually teach us a lesson because now we know chlamydia isn’t the only thing to be careful of when rolling around with strangers. I cannot imagine getting poison ivy in my twidget.
Jetty? Danger rating: 1
I didn’t know what a Jetty was, or at least I didn’t think I did, but I do. Are you following me? It’s a thing sticking out into a body of water. It can be like a dock type thing, or a bunch of slippery mossy rocks. Anything that sticks out into the water. Please just don’t get caught out there at high tide–your girlfriend’s not a squirter, THE TIDE’S COMING IN, DUDE!
Hardware store, danger rating: 5
Only if your tool is big enough for the job…
That was dumb. Sorry.
Library!, danger rating 2
Even though I work in a library, I have no experience with such things but if I did, I would highly suggest the Erotica sextion. We stayed at the The Library Hotel on our honeymoon. The rooms all have book themes, and sadly for us, the Erotica rooms were full so they gave us the WWII room. There was a Hiroshima mushroom cloud over our bed. It was totally hot.
OMG! No pun intended!
I was just being sarcastic. Hiroshima is NOT. FUNNY.
Please stop yelling at me.
Rocking chair, danger rating: 2
While I think that yes, you don’t have too much chance of getting caught on a rocking chair because it’s prolly in your house and stuff, but you could totally bust your head.
Just sayin’.
Sleigh ride, danger rating: 2
Great way to freeze your bells off.
Toilet, danger rating :1
But my question is WHY?
I have no idea.
Anyweirdsexstuff, I want one of you guys to go have sex on a Jetty and tell me what’s what. We’ve probably already talked about the weirdest place you’ve had Sexy Time before already, so I want you to come up with a NEW weird place to have Sexy Time. Something you haven’t done before but have sort of wanted to. GO!
About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Riding stable. And not with the horses, you filthy minded readers!
i would totally rail you in the stacks
So I've never done it in a bush in the park, but does a tree in broad daylight, with people walking by count? =P
I'm thinking that would be a 5! Good call
were you actually IN the tree, or UNDER the tree, or NEAR the tree, or what?
I'd like to hear more about this tree, too.
Well it was more like a try stump, slightly off the path and I was on top of him. No one noticed– or at least they pretended not to.
*tree
The roof. Oh wait, that was last week… Um, The library sounds pretty interesting. Certainly be a test in self-restraint.
Ken's desk.
it's not my fault you can't handle me.
Back in college, there were some benches by the pond on the other side of the boat house. We went down there for a little fun in the dark. It was too dark to even really see the other bench down there but with the water right there the sound of spitting really carried over the water. It can be difficult to appreciate the 'danger' of the situation when you're busy trying to hide the sound of laughter.
On the car hood in the park?
On a picnic table in a state park in broad daylight?
Inside the "quad" under a tree?
After dark at the beach?
Against a floor to ceiling glass window on the 45th floor?
Who knew?
I can say where I've not made it: an airplane bathroom. Yecch. What's the attraction of that stinky germy place?
Yes! I don't get the bathroom thing!
I think the airplane's cockpit would be a more appropriate place!
i just like the word "cockpit."
I have this nailed, totally, Upstairs floor to ceiling window on Bourbon street at night, so all of the people on the street can see the shadows of two people having The Sex. That is my last one. I have already pulled all of my other exhibitionist sex acts. Not sure how or if I will ever pull that one off. Le'sigh.
Whoa.
my ultimate goal: catholic church pew, altar or confessional room thingy. all of the above for super bonus round points.
Anyone who ranks poison ivy at the danger rating of 1 has never had poison ivy. I can't think of anything I would want LESS than that devil-rash on my ladybits.
Readers demand solo library stories!
OMG I haven't laughed that hard in months. That grandmother and hidey hole remarks ROCKED
Thanks for the laughs
Oh, once in my twenties with my thirty something girlthing we did it in a public pool and the pool was open for business, Gross yes fun yesser!
~Dan