My Cats Are Totally Gay

I’m sitting here on my couch, watching my two male cats in what may be the gayest non-porn I have ever seen. My friend had a gay dog once, and it tried to rape my dog… that was pretty funny, but this is just weird.

OMG. They’re staring at me now.

Ok, so here’s what happened:

Mr. Stinky (so named because he has this peeing problem where he doesn’t actually have a problem at all but used to pee on EVERYTHING. Like, my husband’s side of the bed. Which was pretty funny) jumped up on the couch to lay across Moe. Moe then began to “groom” Stinky by licking his head and ears. Yeah, that’s ok. But then Stinky wrapped his arms around Moe’s neck, and here’s where I think it turned from a regular shower in the locker room to “Ass Masters 3 – Revenge of the Anal Beads.”

Oh jeez. They’re starting to wrestle.

Anyway, Stinky wraps his arms around Moe’s neck, and they start to lick each other’s ears. Ok, weird but cute; I’m down with it.

And then they start licking each other’s faces.

And then they stop, and look deeply into the other’s eyes.

Frankly, it was kind of an awkward moment for those of us not involved. I mean, sure, cats lick other cat’s butts! What kitty doesn’t enjoy a good salad tossing, am I right? Nothing gay there.

But, it was the staring deeply in to the eyes that kinda clued me in to the fact that I may want to start coloring my kitty litter rainbow and putting Pride collars on them.

Is this normal?

Stinky just started holding Moe down and forcibly licking him. Could my cats be gay for each other, AND into kink? Do I have to buy them teeny tiny little leather outfits now? I’m really confused. If that’s the case, which one is the Dom? I mean, sure, Moe is bigger, but I’ve seen plenty of short Dominant men who could hold their own.

Oy! Now Stinky left, and Moe is licking his own butt. You know, I never thought about it before today, but I wonder if he’s cleaning himself, or if he and Stinky have some strange “Secretary” thing going on, where Moe can only eat five peas or something like that. I mean, I’m ok if they’re gay and in a BDSM relationship. Seriously, who am I to judge, right? But do I need to talk to them about being Fluid – Positive with each other? Is that a conversation we have to have? Should I mention about dental dams and after – care?

Which brings us to another important question: should I have bothered getting them neutered? I mean, really, if they’re gay then that just makes everyone’s lives easier! The state would come to me and be all, “You have to have your pets altered!” and I could just be like, “Look, they’re not getting any other kitties pregnant. Not without a fertility clinic and a surrogate uterus! My kitties are gay. Don’t oppress them!” And then the state would run away, because my logic is INFALLABLE! Especially after watching my cats make out, two glasses of wine, and a couple of episodes of Barney Miller on tv.

They’re napping now. Yeah, I’d be exhausted too! There was like, five minutes of wrestling, fifteen minutes of Love, American Style, and then Stinky left Moe to finish himself off. Now that I think about it, that kinda makes Stinky a really inconsiderate lover. So, I guess that makes Stink the Top, and Moe the bottom? Do you think he feels abandoned. Should I offer him a pint of ice cream? We could watch Beaches and cry together, and then I could let Moe try on my shoes.

What is the proper etiquette for the break up of a homosexual cat relationship? Maybe strawberry flavored cat – nip?

I don’t know. He looks ok. I may have alerted y’all for nothing, but I think it brings up a really good issue that is never addressed: what about our homosexual pet population?! Why are they never represented in the media, huh? Those damn gay penguins get all the attention, but what about the under represented kitty population?!

Well I’m starting an awareness event! My cats are queer, they’re here, and they lick each other’s butts! Yeah! Get used to it!

Or, you know, don’t, and just don’t get cats. Although, they are pretty cute. And Moe matches the wood on our floor, so he’s already kinda on board with that whole “gays are good with interior design” stereotype. I bet you could find one who can meow advice on your outfits. Like, “Meow = damn bitch, spandex ain’t for everyone!” or “Meow = Do you believe she wore that?! Thank goodness you have a gay cat to steer you clear of such fashion faux pas!” (Yes, I could have gone with a “Faux Paw” joke there, but I didn’t. Why? A little thing called “integrity,” people. We’re dealing with an important subject here!)

Anyway, the point I’m getting to is that I have to thank my kitties for opening my eyes to the world of gay cat behaviors, and that I love them no matter how many deep, intense, awkward moments they have with each other right before they kiss. This is an important lesson I think we can all take home today!

Also, don’t sit on my husband’s side of the bed.

Or let Stinky lick your face.

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1. I think My Husband Is A Little Bit Gay

About the Author

The Kinky Jew and her husband got married last year, and live and work in the DC area with their two cats… who don’t actually work at all, but sort of freeload. KJ is a Consultant, and leads a very normal daytime job, which mostly includes Project Management, and working in a predominantly male dominated environment. The Kinky Jew also maintains a blog on PNN where she posts as Hannah Banana. She enjoys discussing sexuality, finance, religion, as well as any other topic that comes to mind.