What Google Taught Me About Vagina

Photo credit www.puntabulous.com

About a month ago, I signed up to receive daily Google alerts for the word “vagina.” Why? Because I’m obsessed with my vagina and curious about other people’s vaginas and pretty much feel like it’s my responsibility to know everything that’s going on in the world of vagina-related news at all times.

So I set up the Google alert, right, because it’s the ultimate way to receive a daily vagina digest. Except actually, this splendid endeavor should probably be filed under Things That Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time, because it turns out that there really is a Goldilocks-like medium between “just enough vagina” and “oh my god way too much vagina make it stop abort abort ahhh,” and sometimes the things I learn land too squarely in the latter category and I sit there staring at my inbox yelling, “MY EYES! MY EYES!” while clutching my vagina and promising to never do whatever the whatever it is that I just read about.

The moral here, in case you were waiting for it, is that my professional recommendation is to not sign up for Google alerts about the word vagina unless you’re willing to sift through some seriously questionable information. The Catch 22, obviously, is that like gambling, sex in public, and accepting free drugs from strangers, this is one of those high risk/high reward type of situations where if you can handle reading all of the things you never wanted to read ever in the history of ever, once in a while you’re rewarded with pure vulvalicious gold.

Your Vagina Probably Isn’t Pink Enough

I’ve heard women complain about a lot of things. Their breasts are too small, they want to lose 10 pounds, they wish they had clearer skin, and on and on. Do you know what I’ve never heard a single woman complain about? The color of her labia. But apparently, in addition to getting plastic surgery to do absurd things like reinstate their hymens and tighten their vagina holes, women are now also looking to give their ladyparts a dye job. Enter My New Pink Button, a temporary dye that promises to restore your labia to one of four shades of youthful pink for $29.95.

To which I say, “The fuck?” Are there seriously women out there who are distressed about the color of their vaginas? Who are sitting spread eagle in front of the mirror saying, “Nope, not pink enough” and are then willing to spend $29.95 on something that prompted one reviewer, who bought the “Bettie” shade for his wife, to write the following: “Now having intercourse doesn’t feel as much like necrophilia anymore, but rather brings back sweet memories of having sex with 16 year old Croatian prostitutes, much like I used to do during the war!”

Yeah man, clearly the problem in this particular marriage is the fact that the woman’s labia color has changed slightly. Sure, let’s blame the labia because there’s just absolutely no way that the problems in the bedroom are caused by anything else- like, oh, I don’t know, the fact that this guy’s fondest sexual memory is of PLOWING 16 YEAR OLD CROATIAN HOOKERS.

Vagina Scent in a Bottle

Dudes of the world, I want to know if you’ve ever seriously been kicking back on your bed, watching porn, on the verge of getting off, when you thought, “Wait, stop. You know what would make this so much better? If I had a small vial filled with liquid that smells like a woman’s aroused vagina and I could use the roll-on applicator to apply it to the back of my hand and inhale deeply.”

No, of course not. You’ve never thought this. Do you know why you’ve never thought this? BECAUSE IT’S SO CREEPY. And yet Vulva Original is a real, purchasable product and you can drop like $35 to have your very own little bottle of “beguiling vaginal scent.”

Here’s an idea, how about instead of scouring the internet for scented vagina juice in a glass bottle, you get up, put pants on, save that $35 and go have some actual sex with an actual woman. How about that.

Your Vagina, Made Even More Memorable

When Google alerts first told me about the Clone-A-Pussy kit, I read the description, let out a snarky little laugh, and was all, “Yeah idiots, that’s exactly what I want, to immortalize my vaginal lips just like the porn stars do.”

But then I thought about it, and you know what? Immortalizing my vaginal lips just like the porn stars do is exactly what I want! I get that it’s ridiculous, sure, but think about it: the kit contains a molding container that you can use and reuse to create a replica of your vagina in rubber, scented soap, or chocolate. CHOCOLATE. Do you know what this means? It means that I can have a bunch of people over for a dinner party that’s all kinds of classy and fun and at the end of it I can be like, “Oh, would you perhaps care for some dessert?” and bust out a tray of chocolate vaginas. Rows and rows of MY VAGINA in dark chocolate and milk chocolate and white chocolate and and and if you know me in real life please be prepared to never again receive a gift that doesn’t somehow incorporate a replica of my vagina.

Yes mom, this includes you.

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Related posts:

1. The Vagina Monologues – Getting Comfortable With My Lady Bits
2. What Music Taught Me About Sex
3. The Vagina Gentrification Project

About the Author

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.