A Tattoo On Your Penis? WTF?

When I dated a guy with a slightly younger brother, we used to cue up disgusting porn as his screen saver just for shits and giggles because we thought it was wicked funny to do that kind of stuff to him. Because wouldn’t YOU want to cue up your computer to a picture of a woman having The Sex with a snake or a dude humping a couple of sheep? You know, standard stuff, really. One day, on my travels through porn land (like Disney Land, but BETTER), I found a site that showed women with remarkable tattoos…on their vaginas.

At the time, of course, I had no tattoos because my mother would have rather sold me into white slavery than sign for an illegal tattoo (you had to be twenty-one at the time in Illinois to get a tattoo, although the age has since been reduced to eighteen) and I wasn’t exactly sold on the idea anyway. Most of the tats I’d seen weren’t well executed and I couldn’t exactly think of anything I wanted to commemorate for longer than a couple of weeks anyway. But I’d never seen anything quite like this before and I had to say that I admired their dedication.

Particularly striking was the woman who’d tattooed Fidel Castro’s face onto her lady bits. The beard was, well, her pubes. That showed a level of commitment I simply couldn’t fathom, especially toward a political figurehead, but then again, I wasn’t Cuban. Oddly, she wasn’t the only one who’d tattooed something large onto her crotch. There were butterflies and dragons, and some of the work was actually quite lovely, although I noted somewhat gleefully that none of the women had given birth yet. I just didn’t understand what would possess someone to get an area like that tattooed, but I had to admit that it looked kind of cool. Painful, but cool. Kind of like vagina bedazzling before it was in fashion to do so.

Then, because I am a masochist, I followed a link that lead me to another site. A site that I still cannot, no matter how hard I try, unsee. A site that showed me many, many more pictures of tattoos. Tattoos that men had chosen to have done. On their penises. On the vagina, I could sort of comprehend a tattoo, but on a penis, an organ I didn’t even possess, I couldn’t begin to understand. There were many more dragons here amidst the tribal bands and shapes.

My mouth hung open in abject shock and horror. I’d seen some pretty fucked up things in my day and I was no stranger to tattoos and piercings and people who shot heroin and I’d hung out with some shady characters and been some places that would make my mother’s hair curl (should she ever find out. Please, Mom, don’t find this particular column and ask me about it) but nothing prepared me for the gut reaction that seeing a giant, poorly executed tattoo on a penis would.

First, I clenched my legs together as tightly as I could because while I had no penis, I’d been around enough of them after they’d been kicked to know that they were kinda…sensitive. And to imagine them being shot up with a gazillion tiny needles was physically painful for me to imagine. So then, because good pain is ALWAYS worth sharing I called my boyfriend and a couple of his friends over to show him. Their reaction was similar to mine. They each cupped their hands around their own set of balls (because it would be weird otherwise) and winced.

Yeah, exactly.

Not shockingly, most of the tattoos that I saw on the Gallery of the Abused Penises weren’t very good, which made complete sense to me. Logically, it seemed damn near impossible to get a good rendering of ANYTHING in a place known for both immense growth and considerable (hilarious) shrinkage and to remain in precisely the same state throughout the entire tattoo process would be damn near impossible. When I read up on it while “researching” this article (and I admit that I use “researching” very loosely here. More like “lazily googling for things and then occasionally looking at pictures of cats with wacky captions. Because there’s nothing not hilarious about TALKING CATS), I found out that most reputable tattoo parlors won’t agree to tattoo anything on a penis other than a shape or a design. So asking for, let’s say, a picture of my smiling face on your penis in full color, most GOOD places will tell you that you’re insane. And not just because it’s creepy to put someone’s picture on your penis.

Even now as more of a tattoo aficionado, while I understand it a bit more, after two intensely painful foot tattoos that left me nearly crippled in pain for a week afterward, I can’t see the appeal of a dick—or, let’s face it, a vagina—tattoo. Maybe it’s because I don’t like horrible stabbing pain in my private parts, or maybe it’s because I’ve seen what naturally happens to those areas of the human body given some time and a couple of highly common diseases and it ain’t pretty. But whatever floats your boat. There’s all kinds of weird procedures to nip and tuck your cootch and maybe even your dick. I don’t know because I can’t bring myself to google it and frankly, I don’t even want to THINK about it.

But for as aghast as I am by their dangly dick tattoos, I’m sure they’re just as aghast by my mini-van (which makes two of us, actually) and the fact that I haven’t been in a bar fight, well, ever. So it goes to show that you never can tell, I guess. Anyway. I like to consider myself to be an International (wo)man of Mystery, but I’m going to have to be honest with you Toy With Me-ers, you’ll never see Your Aunt Becky with a Fidel Castro tattoo on her snatch. And not just because I’m not Cuban.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. The tattooed penis is a thing of freakish mystery to me, as well. You know what else leaves me mystified, the "whole lotta metal in my dick" guy. I bring this up because my friend has a piercing specialist at his tattoo shops, so one day I stop in and I'm visiting. While I'm in there chatting with Kat and the guys, this man comes in and tells Kat he needs to speak with here. They go in her private area and all of the guys start snickering as soon as they shut the door. Of course, being me, I want in on the joke. They tell me he has 8 piercings in his schlong, the latest one had been put in the previous Saturday. I am fascinated. I mean, how do you do it without, well, ya know, getting stuck? So, I ask tray if it's ok if I ask questions when he comes out. I get permission, turns out tattooing isn't like doctors, no artist/customer confidentiality shizz there. When he came out I am all about finding out why he was doing it. But dude just whips it out to show me. WHOA!! No, no, no!!! After much laughter from the boys and much horror from me, eye bleach included, it was agreed, no hardware was ever getting near my girlie bits! Scary stuff!!!

  2. Tattooed genitalia freaks me right the fuck out, too. Though I do have some rather impressive pictures of a full-color dragon tattooed on a guy's dangly bits (and associated scenery traveling around to the back) that were forwarded to me some time ago.

  3. I have 2 tattoos nowhere near my lady bits and I can't imagine the amount of cocaine and alcohol I would have to ingest to make putting large needles near my precious clit seem like a good idea.

  4. That's how my dad must have done it …. large amounts of cocaine and alcohol … I am so disturbed that I even know this about him, but I thank a higher power everyday I never SAW it. It pains me …..

  5. I'm not so sure that I buy into the 'sensitive penis' story anymore. You have a couple of boys……what do they do to their penis as soon as their diaper comes/came off……Your oldest probably hasn't been in a diaper for ever……but still.

    My son will pull on his pretty roughly….ewowoshshee.

  6. Augh, run away screaming . . .

  7. Guesty Smesty says:

    great. Now I have to go google tattoos on the privates. LOL

  8. Strange that you posted this today – as yesterday I came across the weirdest tattoo/body modification I have ever seen – and I've seen a lot of them.

    For those curious enough to want to know it's posted on my tumblr page (click my name/photo to go there via my profile it's on my sex via violet page)

    But it's full on – so don't say I didn't warn you!! It may cause extreme pain even to those without a penis!

  9. I have an email with pics of this guy's privates that are completely tattooed…from dick to assholes (literally). It was a dragon (symbolic much?)and he actually had the head of the dick pierced and the studs formed the eyes. Believe it or not, this was an amazingly well executed tat.

    • You know, I bet it was. They can be awesome. I just can't imagine the PAIN.

    • Somehow that picture came up when I was working a night cleaning shift in college. My ladybits shrank in sympathy and the guys all got super-freaked. It was impressive but looked so painful!

  10. May I get all pedant on your ass? I'm assuming that the ladies you mention had tatoos on their mons pubis (or mons veneris or just mons) not their vaginas. Otherwise, you'd need a speculum and a flashlight to view them.

    I'm just sayin'… just tryin' to educate the world one genital proper name at a time… I do realize it's a giant step forward that we say any of the 'v' words at all.

    Next week… labia majora.

  11. Or tattos, even.

    *sigh*

  12. HA! TATTOOS!

    /gets coat

  13. My cousin dated a guy with a penis tattoo. So of course we all had to see it. And he showed it off when asked. He was proud of his dick tat. It was flames and it was well done, but to this day I am traumatized by it (not the tattoo, his penis). No really, I cannot fathom how painful that must have been.

  14. OK. I think even the idea of a penis tattoo is pretty whacked. But, that's only one side of the story. What about the poor bastards that have to do the work on whatever schlong swings into their parlor?

    Think about it. How many hours spent doing all that work, in close proximity to that penis. That can't be an artists idea of a fun job, unless they are a dick hater. Do they need a fluffer around? Would that even work with the pain? The mechanics of it are enough to boggle the mind.

    <John now attempts to erase image from mind>

  15. ahem

  16. lizfits says:

    I can honestly say I didn't need to see Ken's picture… It's staring me in the face. Very scary.

    Anyway. I've never SEEN one, but I happen to know that at the tattoo parlor where I got both of my tattoos (neither on my nether regions!), there was an Army guy named Wang who got (guess what?) Wang tattooed down his little mini-me. Apparently it was even in their tattoo book, though I never got to see. I can see it in that instance. Sorta funny…

    Ken's picture is still freaking me out.

  17. I wouldn't do that to myself nor will I say to each his own. You are a moron to mess with your dick in that manner and you should be happy it doesn't fall off.

  18. Yeah, just say no to schlong tats. Bad enough my fiance's roommate once got drunk and whipped it out to show another friend and I his new piercings. Yes, PLURAL. Yes, EXACTLY where you think.

  19. this_girl says:

    Oh man. I’ve seen the dick tats. Rather than wincing, they kind of cause my neck to stretch involuntarily toward the computer screen in wonder as the finger resting on the mouse button clicks continuously, scrolling through the impressive supply of seemingly unending examples. But then they do end. They DO. And on one particular body-mod site the images that come next (WITHOUT WARNING btw! Thanks-a-fucking-LOT!) are guaranteed to send your chin slamming backwards into your Adam’s(Eve’s) apple as your eyes try desperately to burrow backward into your skull while your heart simultaneously migrates to your esophagus…it’s called cock splitting. Yes: COCK SPLITTING…and it’s about 1,000,000,000,000 times more horrifying and cerebellum-scarring than you can imagine. DON’T GOOGLE. Don’t-just Don’t.

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