The Dreaded Public Restroom

Well Toy with Mes, it’s that time of year again.

Soon the holiday season will be upon us, which means that those of us who are not hermits hiding in their basement on the computer will all be going out into…da-da-duuunnnnn… THE PUBLIC.  And eventually, while we’re out IN PUBLIC, we’re going to have to go tinkles or (god, hopefully not, grunties) in a PUBLIC BATHROOM.

OH THE HORROR!!!

But seriously, I’ve often wondered if those bathrooms are really all that gross after all.  I mean, they have those handy little charts for us to look at to see when the last employee has come to clean the place, and they’re often checked off, but what exactly does that mean?  Did they really clean it or did they just wipe a little dookie off the wall near the sink, flush down the log in the last stall, and call it a day?

How clean are these places after all?

If you’re like most people, you about convulse whenever you think of your precious little ass touching the toilet seat where a total and complete stranger’s assical area has also touched.  Personally, I can feel it burning my skin the moment I sit down and I about run to the doctor for a full check up to rule out whether that itch in my down belows is due to razor burn (I go for the Brazilian) OR is the itch a case of the crabs I got from using the potty over at The Super Wal*Mart’s.

But that’s me.  Maybe am I nuts?

Don’t answer that.

To see if my bathroom paranoia is warranted, I did a little research over at WebMD, which is a very reputable site and where I always turn when I want to scare the bejeezus out of myself by turning a swollen lymph node into Cancer.  You know, the place you go to when you want to find the absolute worst, most critical thing that could cause any combination of probably unrelated symptoms–no matter how rare and unlikely that diagnosis may be.

According to WebMD, there are lots of little nasties lying around in the public bathroom.  Like, there’s ” streptococcus, staphylococcus, E. coli and shigella bacteria, hepatitis A virus, the common cold virus, and various sexually transmitted organisms.”

EW! EW! EW! EWWWWWW!

Just when it seems most hopeless, I’m here to tell you to take heart Toy with Mes!  If you have a healthy immune system and you WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS, you’ll be awright.   Wash the hands, damnit.  Use SOAP.  Scrub for at least thirty seconds.

But what if the nasties are on the toilet seat?  Do we need to wash our asses at the sink?

No! Oh happy day, we do not need to wash our asses at the public sink!  Contrary to urban legend, that toilet seat is not necessarily the nastiest thing in the world.  It’s not Disney on Ice for STD’s. So not to worry if our squat and hover is not quite up to par because the disease-causing organisms can only survive for a short time on a surface like a toilet seat.  If they were to transmit to you from the seat, the germs would have to get in through your urethra or genital tract or through a cut or sore on your bum or thighs.   The skin does a pretty damned respectable job of keeping them out.  Basically, you’d have to fuck the seat and I’m not sure that’s a level of kink any of us here have ever explored (but if you have, please do share with the rest of the group… I’m curious!).

So there.  Go ahead and sit yourself down on that seat, just don’t have sex with it and you’ll be fine–at least as long as you don’t have open sores on your buttocks.  In which case, GET THAT SHIT CHECKED OUT.

Additionally, common cold germs and viruses die quickly and are also less of a threat to you than you think.  You have to come into contact with a whole lot of them to make you sick.  One or two isn’t going to cut it.

One thing you do have to do though, is after you flush, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE STALL!  The flush creates an aerosol dispersal of the little poop particles inside the toilet.  It’s a veritable shit shower.  A SHIT SHOWER, people.

The real thing you have to watch out for are the sink faucet handles and towel dispensers.  People emerge from their aerosol clouds of shit in the stall and go with dirty hands to turn on the faucet. Plus all that nice water provides a breeding ground for the nasties, so do use caution at the sink, but for the love of the sweet baby jesus, WASH YOUR HANDS ANYWAY. 

Other stuff you can do is flush the toilet with your shoe, use a paper towel to shut the water off at the sink and also to open the door handle.  If you can, use the hand dryer but don’t touch the vents.

But you guys already knew that, didn’t you?  So now that we’ve gotten the public bathroom safety lesson portion of our article out of the way, I will now share with you my most embarrassing potty moment because that’s one thing we’ve all caught from using the public potty–The Embarassment.

I actually have several stories for you, but I’ll pick just a few.

Ahem.

Once I walked into a bathroom and there was a guy fucking a hooker on the counter.

I guess that wasn’t so much embarrassing for me, but I still sort of shrieked and ran away.  The guy actually yelled after me, “Hey sweetheart!  What’s the rush?!”

GAH!!!!

Another time I was at a bar with some friends, and it was one of these deals where there were only two one-person bathrooms, for men and women.  Well, the woman in the women’s room was taking forfuckingever, and my bladder was screaming after all the martinis, and there was nobody in the men’s room, so I decided to go in there.  A guy friend of mine who was nearby offered to watch the door, but I said I’d be fine since there was a lock on it and everything.

Well.

Turns out I should have taken him up on the offer, since the lock, despite LOOKING effective, ended up being totally useless.  As I was inside the stall peeing, a guy walked in to use the urinal.  And he was talking to himself and peeing and farting and pissing and oh my god I was mortified.  I mean, what do you do in that situation?  Pull your feet up and pray to all that is holy that he doesn’t decide he needs to pop around the corner to make a shadoobie?  Play it cool and pretend you hang out in men’s rooms all the time?  Pretend to be a Transsexual?

WHAT DO YOU DO, TOY WITH MES?

So I did the logical thing and I stood up from my squat, pulled my panties up, and ran out of there with my purse over my head shouting apologies about the door being locked, etc.   The guy yelled in shock and surprise and fell over against the wall, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop and offer him a shoulder.  Once out, I nonchalantly went back to where my friends were at the bar and put my coat on just in case the guy caught a glimpse of what I was wearing. You know, so he wouldn’t know it was me doing commando raids in the men’s room.

This story gets better because years later I found myself at the “guy-friend-who-should-have-watched-the-door’s” wedding, sitting next to the owner of that very bar, when I told him the story.  Turns out, his office wall is opposite the men’s room wall and he remembered hearing the whole thing go down.  I love it when shit comes back to haunt me, don’t you?  (Of course you do.  It makes for better stories.)

Oh yeah, and my Grandpa tells a story about how he was hit with a sudden and intense need to potty, if you know what I’m saying, and in his rush, he found himself in the ladies room.  The poor man.  He’s so proper, he must have died a hundred times once he realized what happened to him.  I wonder if it hit him while he was already locked in a stall, blowing it up.

And my mom who can’t see very well frequents men’s rooms all the time, although I think she secretly goes in there on purpose and pretends to be a hapless blind lady.  She’s kind of  a slut (hi mom!).  No, I do NOT take after her.

Tell me Toy with Mes.  Do you squat and hover?  Do you touch NOTHING in the bathroom?  Do you smash the stall door in with a Karate kick?  Do you about put on a bio-hazard suit when you use a public toilet, or do you just walk right in, sit down and have yourself a nice, relaxing pee?  Do you flush with your elbow or shoe?  Do you cover the seat with toilet paper like a giant prophylactic?  Have you had an embarrassing moment in the public potty, say, running out of toilet paper after a soul-crushing bout of vile-smelling diarrhea, that you’re just dying to share with us?

Photo source

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. sempre pi interessante, sprmaieo che continuino a lavorarci sopra ancora un bel po’. oltretutto la grafica sembra anche migliorata rispetto le vecchie immagini.Anche the conduit ci stanno lavorando molto sodo sopra, e si vede anche dal fatto che la grafica in generale migliora sempre pi .se tanto mi da tanto, dovrebbe essere un capolavoro all’uscita.Anche perch scordatevi di avere un nuovo zelda da qui ad altri 2 anni.

  2. Every time my mother and i go to Ruby Tuesday’s, we end up having a horrifying bathroom experience. There has never been a time that there hasn’t either been some woman grunting and groaning and breathing ridiculously loudly in one of the stalls (possibly having a baby?) or a small child who decided to crawl under the stall doors and want to have a discussion with one of us.
    I worked at a truck stop for many years, and i’ve seen very intricate, detailed poo paintings…theyre horrifying, yet beautiful.

  3. My sister and I were just talking about the “use the paper towel to open the door thing.”

    We both use it, and if there isn’t a trash can right by the door (a proper rest room should have one there), I toss it on the floor. No fooling. My sister is too considerate, and she’ll carry the paper towel around with her until she finds a trash can.

    Now, what really freaks me out is when there aren’t any paper towels. Like, they only have hand dryers and no towels at all. Then, like my sister, I pull my sleeve down over my hand before I touch the door. And if I’m wearing short sleeves, I’ll use my shirt tail or my foot (I’m hella flexible) or whatever, but I will NOT touch the door handle.

  4. MerryGoRound says:

    My junior high math teacher claimed to have gotten pregnant from a truck stop toilet seat. Seriously.

    So, either there IS an elite group of toilet-seat-fucking fetishists out there
    OR
    Mrs. Math was multiplying with the wrong denominator…

    And I've since come to wonder how appropriate it was for her to inform a bunch of 8th graders about the origins of her offspring…

  5. melissalion says:

    I'm not too freaked about public restrooms but I try to only use the ones I know will be okay. Like at Nordstrom. So any time I leave the house, I need to go somewhere within walking distance of a Nordstrom. It limits my life, but whatever. I know I've got it covered.

  6. A friend of mine once had to do a science experiment at school where the class made a line, the first student got one piece of toilet paper and second, two, the third three and so on. So, the last student had a wad of toilet paper like thirty layers thick.

    Then they all had to touch poo through their alloted layers of tissue and immediately touch a sterile petri dish with the same fingers bared of tissue. They grew the bacteria and counted the bugs.

    Now for the SCARY part. The person with the most layers had the SAME number of bugs as the person with one layer. My point? Tissue on the door handle makes no difference! Kick the bugger down!

    • I totally would have skipped school that day. I'll be kicking that door down now no doubt.

    • are they sure their fingers were sterile before they did the experiment?

      my brain is having a hard time picturing bacteria finding their way through a half inch thick wad of paper…

  7. please ignore blatant grammar and spelling errors. i was too tired to proof before submitting. but why i read my comment after submitting is beyond me.

  8. the only time i totally freak is in a porta potty. i'm a soccer mom and sometimes tha's the only option when you're at a field for hours. it's requires more coordination than anywhere. you have to hover but there's no room for your knees and you can't hold on to the side walls or push of the front wall/door so you better be able to do a cirque du soleil strength crouch with ass up so the spray doesn't hit he legs becaue there's no paper towels to clean up with. even the toilet paper is hard to get. most dehumanizing bathroom experiences ever.

  9. I'm so nonchalant about the whole thing, I scare germophobes right out of the zip code.

    Sometimes I come in behind someone, they check out a stall and then walk away from it. So what do I do? I make a POINT of using that stall in defiance of the priss who can't take two seconds to flush someone else's business. I mean, of course the person who LEFT it there should have done it, but honestly….I just don't understand what the big deal is.

  10. KEYBOARDS, MICE, and DOORKNOBS are where the devil lives.

  11. I blame the Army for my complete lack of regard concerning germs. After you've used a porta-potty in Kuwait that hasn't been cleaned in… um… Has it ever been cleaned? Anyway, after experiences similar to that, I guess one just gets used to certain undesirable situations. If I have to pee, I have to pee; I'm not concerned with my location at the time. I just try to get a clean-looking seat and make sure to wash my hands.

  12. Praying to all that is holy in a public restroom is definitely healthier than fucking a hooker. When in doubt, pray.

  13. I had great fun with a germophobe once. Public restrooms are just dandy.

  14. I get strange looks when I put soap on my hands before I turn on the water and then get even stranger looks when I soap up a second time after rinsing once. I worked in a hospital once upon a time and GOD FORBID if a doctor or nurse was in the restroom when you were and you didn't wash at least up to the elbows. For Chrissakes, I'm an Admin, not a surgeon. I can't tell you how many times I slunk out as some hapless person visiting a patient got a lecture on proper washing technique…

  15. Oh, your bathroom horror stories are impressive. Starting right off with the hooker too. Now that's a hard one to beat! (that's what she said?)

    I know I recently read somewhere that it's a bad idea to use the hand dryers because most people don't dry their hands completely, and the remaining moisture is a breeding ground for germs and bacteria. Whoever wrote it (damn if I can remember) argued to use the paper towels. Of course, others argue that paper towels are destroying trees, and hand dryers are more eco-friendly. It's tough to know which way to go when you're main concern is bodily-fluid elimination. I do my business and dash out of there, showering in hand sanitizer immediately.

    And I've also read that too much hand sanitizer is a bad thing. GAH!

    • I go with the sanitizer. It's the only one that doesn't freak me out.

    • bumpfairy says:

      Hand dryers are bad, and here's why: that big cloud of poo air that you just created by flushing? It's always in the air. When you use a hand dryer, you're taking poo air and blowing it all over your freshly sanitized hands. Now you have poo hands. Your welcome.

      Use the paper towels. Also, sit. Don't hover. It's a "do unto others" kind of thing. If we ALL sit, there will be no splashes of shame on the toilet seat and therefore those toilet seats may well be the cleanest thing in the room. No one has funk on their THIGHS. STD's etc. are all a vulva/vagina thing. WHO is putting their vulva on the toilet seat??!! No one. Your thigh might as well be your forearm. Sit down. Teach your daughters to sit down. Generations from now, your comfortably sitting progeny will thank you for the now sanitary seats they are enjoying. ( and in the mean time, just wipe the seat with a clorox wipe that you keep in a baggie in your purse. )

  16. I make a habit of using the first stall, if I have to use a public restroom, since studies have shown they are the least used. (Who conducts these studies??)

    But, my story is not embarassing to me, but rather a poor old lady and her family. I work at a high visitor traffic office, with public restrooms. A few months ago, a woman came in, with the aid of her adult children and proceeded to the restroom. They stood out in the lobby area waiting, while the elderly woman went in alone. Another family (who was using the other restroom stall) bolted out and asked who was with the woman in the bathroom. Her family went in, only to come back out and get my coworker, since there was a SITUATION. In the BATHROOM.

    And by situation, I mean an elderly woman, who had flushed her adult diaper, but only after she spread her shit all of the toilet, walls, and floor. Unfortunately, we didn’t realize she had flushed anything down, so my coworker dealt with the mess, until I suggested we call Roto-rooter. Ick. The smell (and the scent of the air freshener used to ‘cover’ it) will be forever ingrained in my memory.

  17. Oh my!

    So here's my input for the month. Wear pampers to the parties and out shopping.
    When you're shopping, wear a big coat. People won't notice. When you're at a holiday party, where a cute full skirt.

    Pee and poop in your party pampers, but the best thing to do is to poop at home first, of course. Like duh, huh?

  18. why do they make so many bathroom doors open IN???

    so you have to grab the handle, OR you have a piece of paper towel in your hand so you DON'T have to touch the handle.

    but then you're left with something to throw away. the smarter custodians will leave a wastebasket right there next to the door, so you can just chuck your prophylactic napkin.

    if they DON'T have a wastebasket right there, i throw it on the floor, right where there should be one.

    they'll learn eventually.

  19. Sort of wishing I'd finished my turkey soup in a champagne flute before reading this. Still, I always shout that if you're gonna pee standing up, lift the seat. I don't care what your gender is. I have no desire to sit in your drippings. I and I alone (and sometimes Justin Timberlake) decide when and what areas of my body should be moistened.

    • Reminders of your turkey soup flute is making me queasy. Not to worry though,
      thinking of you and Justin and moistness has made everything better ;)

      It's been so long since I used the public potty I forgot all about the dreaded 'drippings'.

  20. Now I'm seriously creeped out! I've ALWAYS been leery of public restrooms. Probably because as a little kid my mom taught my sister and I to hover over public toilets – and when we asked why, she told us about the GERMS.

    I'm always careful of what I touch, and NEVER put my purse on the floor – think about it… Do you put it on the counter or table when you get home? Eeeeww.

    After reading this, I'm going for a bush, too.

  21. So this one time I had to….ahem, yeah. So I went and my then 3 year old daughter went with me. She JUST HAD TO COME. Well, I'm doing my stuff…stupid spicy food!….and she says to me "Mommy Your Poopies Really Stink Bad". Someone was in the bathroom waiting to use the stall. I died right then and there. I was totally going to try to pass that smelly crap off on her. I'm totally going to pay her back for that one of these days. Can anyone say prom chaperon (spelling)?

    I always flush with my shoe. I do sit, but I don't touch anything….paper towels for the sink and door…..

  22. First off – I love the accompanying picture. Love it. Something about lacy panties around a womans lowers calf or ankles just turns me to a quivering plate of jelly. Thank you, Queef. You are indeed the Queen. Secondly – I try to avoid the Walmart/Target/Gas Station type of bathrooms entirely, as in my experience, they tend to be the nastiest. Barnes and Noble or Macy's or "nicer" hotel lobby restrooms always appear pretty clean to me and if I feel the need to pinch a loaf, or break the seal, those are the ones to seek out. But I also have to say that it seems ladies rooms are generally more unsanitary looking than mens rooms…I mean, I don't make a habit of visiting ladies rooms, but the occasions that I have, well, lets just say I'm glad I DON'T need to visit them more often. You ladies can be quite the messy ones!

    • It's completely true. I want no part of whatever these "ladies" are doing in there. But on the other hand, they are more frequently used than mens' rooms, and a lot of us are dragging little kids around with us. They're practically animals and they can fuck up a ladies room in a millisecond.

    • You are so right! Who are these "ladies" (and I use that term loosely) that are leave public washrooms looking worse then my horses stall?

  23. I think I am extra crazy because I carry a tiny can of lysol and spray the shit out of (pun! Ha!) everything I might sit on or touch in public restrooms. This stuff here: http://www.lysol.com/cleaning-products/disinfecti
    But the last time I was at Target I saw that it was on clearance and now I'm stressed that it has been discontinued. What am I supposed to do now? I bought every last can on the shelf.

  24. No flushing with the shoe, please…because then when I flush with my hand, I might as well be rubbing the bottom of your shoe. Blech.

    • I'd rather touch the bottom of someone's shoe then where their hands might have been – seriously.

      • No worries, I have really nice shoes, and yes, everyone who frequents public restrooms after I do touches whatever the bpottom of my shoes have touched. I do NOT touch toilet handles. I don't touch towle dispensers, and I use the paper towles to open the bathroom door once I have opened it. I know, all that, but I will stick a cock in my mouth. Whatever! It is what it is, people.

  25. LMAO! I will never use a public restroom without thinking of this blog post ever again!