The thing about porn is that it’s awesome. Until, well, until it’s not. Until it’s a Thursday night and I find myself clicking around the dirty underbelly of the interwebs and somehow I stumble onto the most incredibly unsexy videos in the history of videos and I start to rethink everything I thought I knew about wanting to get naked anywhere near another human being ever again.
Like, okay, sometimes I get sucked into watching videos that I don’t even want to watch because the titles make me all kinds of curious when they’re all, “Marla in a deep pool with five cocks 
” because even though I don’t care at all about Marla, or the five cocks, or the deep end of the swimming pool, I for some reason desperately need to know what it is about this particular video that made whoever titles online porn clips feel the need to end the title with not one, but TWO emoticon smiley faces. Like, what?? First of all, how does one even go about getting hired to title online porn clips? That seems like the world’s best job and the world’s worst job at the same time. But secondly, if you *do* manage to turn your resume into getting hired for the world’s best/worst job, shouldn’t your qualifications include knowing that nothing kills a wet little buzz quicker than an emoticon smiley face? Well, nothing except for two emoticon smiley faces, that is. TWO EMOTICON SMILEY FACES. BYE BYE CLIT BONER. Also, while we’re on the subject of clit boners, being gang banged under water, in the deep end, where there’s no where to stand just doesn’t sound like something that makes Marla very emoticon smiley. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like something that makes her either a) totally fucking sore or b) totally fucking drowned.
So, to recap: no more emoticon smiley porn please. Because if you put an emoticon smiley face in the title, I’m going to click on it and then I’m going to watch it, assuming from the happiest of happy faces that this particular video ends well. Guess what? IT DOESN’T. I’m not going to go into detail about how it ends, mostly because I love all of you crazy bitches and dude bitches, but also because I don’t want to relive the horror. Suffice it to say that I’m staying quiet and taking one for the team here. BUT NOT LIKE MARLA DID. God. Not like that at all. While we’re at it, you know what else I’m going to do? I’m going to share the emoticon I created that from here on out is going to be the universal sign for “what you’re about to watch ends with a very sore vagina.”
It look like this: (|x|) and the x is there because it symbolizes the chick’s vagina hole yelling, “NO GOOD. DISLIKE. PLEASE PASS THE ICE PACK.” So from now on, if you’re browsing through a porn site and you see something that’s entitled, “Marla in a deep pool with five cocks (|x|)” just, you know, click on a different video clip instead.
And then send me a basket of mini muffins or something.
Anyway, after the Marla debacle, it felt like it was time for me to take a little break from the world of hardcore-porn-that-might-end-badly. A world that has brought us such gems as Executed Girls of Iraq Prisons and Oh No, There’s A Negro In My Mom.
I KNOW RIGHT?! I fucking wish I was making this shit up.
So yeah, I was all, “Break time” and the guy I’m dating was like “Instructional sex materials!” and I was all, “What?” and the answer to my question is that he has the most impressive collection of instructional sex materials I’ve ever seen. A collection that includes videos and books and manuals and the videos are ones like Better Sex Through Yoga and the books are ones like Ultimate Sex: Everything you need to know about sex and sensuality and the manuals are ones like She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and and and don’t even get me started on the Kama Sutra video that’s available on instant play on his Netflix. Don’t even get me started.
Except do. Do get me started. Because I have So! Much! To! Say! Like, did you know that one of the best oral sex techniques is to repeatedly write a capital F or a lower case i with your tongue? Or that there’s a difference between multiple orgasms and sequential orgasms? Or that a lot of sex positions are named after animals? Or, Or! And this is less of a sexy thing and more of a general life saving thing, but did you know that blowing air into a woman’s vagina can cause an embolism and lead to death? No? Me either. But oh my GOD let’s all agree to never do that to each other. Cool? Cool, thanks.
Also, let’s all agree to not make fun of me too much when I recount the story of trying the better sex through yoga video. Especially not after next Monday’s story that starts with my receiving a SEX SWING in the mail and ends with “dlfkjgflkhj.”
So yes, until then….
Possibly related goodness:
- 8 Little known Facts About Orgasms
- The Weirdest Porn I’ve Ever Loved
- Porn – Not Exactly “Dora The Explorer”
About the Author
Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Better Sex Through Yoga – Sex + Yoga = Sexercise! So many levels of awesome.
Sexercise is my new favorite word. The end.
Where is that Maria video, you got me very curious about how it ends, even though I'm not sure I want to see it, still am really curious how a girl can have sex with 5 guys in the deep end of a pool!?
ditto
(to the final part…)
(not so much the first part…)
I sure hope there's some sort of flotation device used.
Believe me, you don't want to know. Nope. Uh uh.
Ahhh, you don't know me well enough yet
I want a sex swing, I have wanted one for so long…so color me jealous…
Oh don't worry girl, full report is on its way.
Ooh deep end… Ooh, sex swing! (Hows about we color each other jealous.
)
A friend of mine got a job as a porn movie rater. Two months after she learned that people in porn are really having sex. She enjoys it for the legislative processes.
But. But. HOW DOES SOMEONE GET THIS JOB?!?
I have so many questions.
This is the kind of job where drinking could improve your performance.
I. LOVE. This. Post.
I actually do the opposite of you and stay AWAY from creepy porn titles that sound creepy. Because I know people. And I know they get creepy. Especially when four cocks are involved.
See? This is why I'm an insomniac. Clearly, I need to start following your type of logic.
I am worried about Marla! Is she okay?? Should we send flowers?? Should we stay far away from her deep end? okay, so I know the answer to the last one.
Oh, and passing on the F and i info to the hubby … I will let you know.
I expect a full recap.
oh, you are starting to realize I can't keep my mouth shut
I don't think the person who titles the porn actually looks at the said porn. This causes many a WTF moment when you're wondering how the two are connected.
Is this the answer? I'm quite tempted to believe you. Although, to be safe, I should probably spend the rest of the day watching porn. Just, you know, to verify.
"Because it symbolizes the chick's vagina hole yelling "NO GOOD. DISLIKE. PLEASE PASS THE ICE PACK."
My dog just looked at me all "What's with the snorty laugh, weirdo?" And I was all "You're awfully judge-y for someone who sniffs the stuff that you do". But I digress. You're awesome!
Ha, thanks!!
i so want the job writing online porn click titles! was that not listed on monster.com. wtf. and i would totally use the (|X|) rating. and the (|O|) happy open for business rating.
ps: park swings make my emoticon smiley so i can't wait to read your review on the sex swing.
You're such a swinger – why have I never thought of that?
I mean, yeah, (|O|) is awesome. Let's create a new job for ourselves where we just create sex emoticons.
OMG
This is by far the BEST post I've ever read in my life. Not kidding. I aspire to you!
Bah haha you're fantastic. Thanks Lisa!
I was unaware of the lower case 'f' thing. I'd always been told that you should do the entire alphabet. I guess when you keep getting distracted and have to start over, you hit that 'F' more than a few times.
How about the alphabet backwards?
You know, the manual actually said that the entire alphabet doesn't work that well and that the F and i are the way to go. Haven't tried it yet. Will report back ASAP.
This was a great article.
As far as the videos go, WTF must you be thinking to use those for trying to pick up some tips? I mean, come on. They're paid to twist, contort and do all sort of unnatural stuff and have it LOOK wonderful. HINT: Don't try it at home, unless you have good health insurance and care to explain it to your health care professional.
I'm always looking for ways to improve my ability to pleasure my partner. It's a game worth playing! Out of reading your article, I picked up a copy of the book "She Comes First". I'm reading it and it's a great book. I can't wait until the next time I get the chance to go down on my lady. This is going to be great fun!
Thanks!