Romance Novels Suck – I Want Real Smut

I know there is smut here somewhereDid I ever tell you guys I have a Master’s degree in English, and if I wasn’t writing stuff  for you Toy With Mes and my blog readers, I wouldn’t use it at all?  So I guess I should say “thank you” because it makes it a little easier to cut that student loan check every month knowing that I’m providing very high quality entertainment (why are you laughing?  It was a state school, okay?  Fuck. Off.) to the Internets.

And as A Person Who Knows About Good Books and Stuff, I’ve done a lot of reading and a lot of writing about reading and a lot of reading about writing and researching about reading and then writing about research and because of that, I guess you could say I’m literate or whatever.

In light of all my experience with literature, it’s pretty natural for me to get a little charge in the libido department by reading sexy books.  Unfortunately, they don’t tell you much about sexy books in college. Sure, there might be a steamy scene here or there, but for the most part, it’s all just literature.

Like, EW!

And so I’m pretty much left to my own to search for some good smut.

One time I  tried to become A Person Who Reads Romance Novels because I found a study done by some people (see? There I go with my researching and my carefully documenting sources.  I’ve got mad skillz, yo.) and it said that every five seconds, someone buys a romance novel.  EVERY 5 SECONDS!  And the reason for it is: “women who read romance novels have 74% more sex than those who don’t.”  Well slap me in the ass and call me Judy! When I saw that, I was all “I have got to start reading this shit!”  My husband is one giant gland, and he’s always a moment away from humping my leg.  I have to work to catch up with him and I need all the help I can get, but you know what you guys?

Romance novels don’t do it for me.

I’ve tried so hard and I really want to love, love, love them, but I find them amusing instead of sexy.  It sucks!  I want to have 74% more sex, too!  Maybe even 75% more sex—because when I do things I like to GO BIG! I just can’t get past all the flushing and swelling and heaving bosoms anticipating the dangerous touch of rough hands and curious fingers exploring hot moistness underneath petticoats and the breathless anticipation of the plunge of a hard length of manhood into a snug tunnel and the musky stickiness that follows the last thrusts of love and the release of the rogue stallion’s seed.

Oh, Jeezus!

Where are all the pussies and cocks and tits and assholes and cum shots?  If I’m going to read a pornographic scene, I want it to be pornographic, for fuck’s sake.

I’ve also tried reading porn stories like the ones found in Naughty Stories from A-Z.  They’re okay, but I really can’t bring those books with me to places like the dentist or the hairdresser or waiting for my daughter to get out of dance class.  It’s not really socially acceptable to bring porn around with you.  I don’t know why.  But that’s okay because I’d rather have a little more plot to my stories anyway.  That said, I don’t want too much of a plot because really?  I want to get to the good part and I will totally skim through until I find it.

I’m a very large pain in the ass wonderfully complex woman, yes?

So, at the suggestion of a friend, I turned to Anne Rice. I started with Exit to Eden (published under the name Anne Rampling) which is an exploration of BDSM, but in the form of a romance novel and it was so much better! I was very encouraged by my experience with it, so I moved on to her erotic trilogy about Sleeping Beauty and ho. lee. shit!

There was some kind of spanking and/or degrading sex on every page and I read all three novels in like, a week.   I found the spanking to be a little excessive though and after a while I was just like, “okay.  I get it.  A good spanking makes your bum all warm and hurty.  Roger that.  My ass is sore just reading about it.  Let’s move on.”  But aside from all the spanky-spanky? Yes ma’am! I liked reading about Beauty a lot and a lot.

I need more of that.  With less spanking.  But you know what I’m thinking, you guys? Instead of whining about how I can’t find any good smut to read, why don’t I write my own smut?

And I have a Wonderful Idea for my first book.

I have a fantasy about Vinny, the guy who works at the deli counter at my grocery store, and I think that’s going to be what my first book is about–all my imaginary encounters with Vinny.  I’m even already working with some titles.  Check it:

Clean up on Aisle 69.

or

Vinny and the Hard Salami.

Vinny and the Roast Beef Curtains.

Ewwwwww.

I hate it when I gross myself out with my own thoughts like that!  “Roast Beef Curtains” is just yucky, right? I mean, even if we’re NOT talking about labia, it’s still nasty.

AnyCrissybecomesapornwriter, until I get this bad boy written, I need some suggestions from the Toy With Mes.  What books turn your crank and where can I find them?  Also, I am clearly in need of title suggestions.

Go!

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.

Comments

  1. Nambrosia says:

    Laurell K Hamilton. She has two series and both have fantasy plot lines that don’t suck with massive amounts of incredible fuckage. Pages and pages of cocks and pussy et al. Anita Blake and Meredith Gentry are the two series lines.

    I have always always been disappointed with Anne Rice. I find her plots dragging unbearably towards some obscure climax with endings that leave me feeling as if I just wasted a few hours of my life with drivel. Idk if her erotica would impress.

  2. I was given the series The Black Dagger Brotherhood by JR Ward by a friend of mine and wowza they’re pretty damn hot, I must say. Is it all out porn? not exactly but there’s some bondage and all the sex scenes (there are a lot of them) are really graphic. Lots of “cock” , etc. I can’t get into the “heaving bosom” crap with petticoats so this suits me while not humiliating me in public if someone sees me reading it. If I want something more sexy, I just buy them for my e reader and remain ninja-like in my sexy time

  3. You know what???

    this is SO my topic!! I read from http://www.literotica.com ALL THE TIME via my phone. But your phone is super old…but they have a Literotica book out you can get on amazon…just like, get a book cover or something? Anyways, they are super dirty and spin my whiz wheel! I just tell people I am doing research when really I am reading about Jason shoving his 8 inch hard cock into Jessica’s…well, you get it. And I read it right in the middle of class!!! Which is kind of (okay, really) awkward because I get all horny and shit, but…you know. I get by.

    It’s AWESOME.

  4. Dude, 74%, or even 75%, more sex doesn’t mean it’s GOOD sex. Just more of it.

    Also, I used to like to stand up in formal Quaker meetings (I went to a Quaker school) and do readings. The Spirit moved me to share “his hot throbbing manhood was guided homeward” with my school.

    I have no idea how I never got kicked out of that place. They must have recognized my awesomeness. YAY GIRLIE PORN!!!

  5. When I was around 11, I was poking around in my mother’s drawers and came across two of Xaviera Hollander’s books, “The Happy Hooker and Xaviera Goes Wild ” tucked away in one of her drawers. I spent that summer carefully sneaking those books out and reading the short stories while my older sister went out for little “dates” with her boyfriend instead of “babysitting” me. Having accidentally caught them at it in the basement, I had already gotten a clue about parts and pieces. The following year she had me read a church publication “What a girl should know” that had little illustrations to explain sex – as my “talk” – and asked if I had any questions. Imagine if I had asked her if having a boy shove his cock in your ass feels like taking a poop, since that was the biggest question I had at that point from my summer reading list. So, for me its the little short stories that do it, since my real, and more interesting “talk” about sex really came from a book by an ex hooker.

    Anias Nin’s short stories as Laura mentioned are some of my favorites and her diaries are pretty interesting as is the compiled diary Henry and June that they made the movie from.

    Maybe you should write about Vinny and get it published in an Erotica Short Story Compilation as your first step?

  6. I agree with the Lora Leigh suggestions. I have Only Pleasure and it. is. HAWT. Did you know Barnes and Noble has a tiny erotica section? including a separate bondage section. I was floored. I don’t even mean that vamp/were/whatever fiction w/ sex over by the sci-fi. I mean in the middle of the store! Maybe it was a seasonal thing (I last looked around valentine’s day last year) but right in the center aisle. That’s where I found Only Pleasure ;)

  7. ANY bookreader is AWESOME for the hiding the smut books! You can get a reader(eBookman) for under $100 on Ebay.

    Megan Hart, Jaci Burton, Emma Holly, Lauren Dane, Maya Banks, Anya Bast, Gail Faulkner, Shelley Laurenston(too, too funny), Sarah McCarty, Patrice Michelle, Shayla Black and Shiloh Walker are awesome writers to name a few. Lora Leigh and Bella Andre are also fantastic writers, but unlike a previous suggestion(Leigh), you need to start at the beginning.

    Sites to go to; print and ebook:
    www. samhainpublishing.com
    http://www.changelingpress.com, (just don’t pay attention to the stupid book covers!!)
    http://www.loose-id.com
    and finally, the site that brought erotica to mainstream by the author Jaid Black(owner Tina Engler), Ellora’s Cave;
    http://www.jasminejade.com

    Thank goodness for glands and wonderful writers!

  8. I am a HUGE Erotica reader… I would say that at least 75% of my book collection is erotica.. and teen vamp stories are the other 20% LOL….honestly… HUGE erotica reader! here are som suggestions! If you want more let me know!
    Ceremony of Seduction, Vision of Seduction and Trio of Seduction by Cassie Ryan
    Simply Wicked, Simply Sinful, , Simply Sexual and Simply Shameful by Kate Pearce
    Do It To Me by PF Kozak
    Down In Texas by Delilah Devlin
    Hood by Noire
    Nauti Boy Series by Lora Leigh
    Bound HEarts (especially Only Pleasure) Series by Lora Leigh
    When Alex Was a Bad Boy by Jo Davis
    Their One and Only by Trista Ann Michaels
    Anchor and Storm by Kate Poole
    Patton’s Way by Jenny Penn
    I hope that works for you :) All of these you can get on Amazon! Let me know if you enjoy any of them :D

  9. I totally agree! Bring on the smut! Those stupid romance novels set us up for failure everytime! Let’s get some horny smutting stuff rolling around in our brains at night so we have no fear in shouting out “OH YA baby! Stick that huge cock in my ass!” or…so I’ve heard…on Oprah…or something!

  10. Oh Judy – just write about you and hubby

  11. @Bill – that right there is the main reason I wouldn’t check erotic literature out of the library!

    If you’re looking for smut (albeit often poorly written smut) then fan-fiction is one way to go. Holy crap is there some kinky writing out there!

    I wish I could come up with some funny Vinny porno titles, but my mind is just swimming with the words ‘meat’ and ‘sample’…

  12. bill, did you notice crissy has an entire collection?

    http://www.asstr.org/~Kristen/

  13. Back in the bad old days, when the non-profit I work for was threatening collapse if they didn’t get their Way With
    Us, and we were talking about striking, etc., I was seriously talking to one of my older colleagues about writing porn with him, about his experiences when he was a younger guy living in Hong Kong. Now, Marty tells a good story. And what could be better than porn set in an exotic location, with a sort of travelogue thrown into the bargain?

    Well, we never wrote it, as Marty was on our negotiating committee, and was way too busy with constant meetings. And reading Machiavelli. But Crissy, you could write something exotic, you just need to find the right source.

  14. Peppermint Patty says:

    Smut is it? Isn’t that the bloom that grows on a truffle left behind in the ground disguising it’s aroma so that the pigs couldn’t sniff it and it ages nicely an extra season?

    I’m sure I have a recipe for it around here somewhere. Though it’s way beyond what I can afford, so it must be especially gastronomique. I’m sure of it.

    Sauteed smut in butter. My mouth waters at trying your roast beef curtain’s recipe, with a lovely portion of buttered smut. I imagine smut makes a savory gravy too.

    That does it! I’m salivating so hard. Calling my market this minute to see if they have any smut in stock.

    Bon Appetite!

  15. Dana…OMG, I was ordering a trashy novel the other night and totally wished I had a Kindle for that very reason! I never wanted one until I saw the erotic cover that I’m going to have to hide from my pre-teen son!!!

    Crissy, someone just recommended the author Megan Hart to me. Haven’t read it yet..it’s on its way from Amazon!

  16. I agree with whoever suggested literotica. Also if you read some of the novels by Zane. The author is black and the stories almost all focus on black people, but if you can fantasize about a big black man you’ll probably enjoy it.

  17. The modern stuff (not the romance!) by Emma Holly, and check out the full-book-sized Alison Tyler stuff. Pretty much anything from the Black Lace imprint, and Cheek publishing. Good Vibrations’ imprint, where you got the Naughty Stories from A-Z, also releases books in the same vein that look a hell of a lot tamer.

    Shit, now I’m trying to remember all the authors and titles I used to get in trouble for reading. There’s a lot of them.

    Particularly check out Cooking Up a Storm, Menage, and Velvet Glove, all by Emma Holly.

  18. Paula, you’re not alone. The only sex I’m getting is from me, myself and I. Toys take the edge off, but I’m ready for some skin on skin attention.

  19. I do the very same thing, “I want to get to the good part and I will totally skim through until I find it”. How did you know?

    I read the entire Skye O’Malley series by Bertrice Small and the plots were basically all the same. Kidnap, Rape, Love, Death, Kidnap, Rape, Love, Death…..

    I just finished reading Riding on Instinct by Jaci Burton. Now, this book sizzled. It was filled with ” pussies and cocks and tits and assholes and cum shots”. I took several intermissions while reading this book – guess why? God it was good. The entire book was a good read. I could read several pages over and over again (I’m determined to find me a man like the main character, Spence).

    Here are a couple more:
    Jaci Burton – Wild, Wicked, & Wanton
    Lora Leigh – Only Pleasure
    Susan Lyons – Touch Me

    Hope these help.

  20. Think I’m gonna have to get all over this Anne Rice shit. Especially if it means I get more sex. At the moment, I get none. :(

  21. Vinny Mops Up Afterward…

    Packing Meat With Vinny…

    Vinny’s Customer Service… or Services Customers….

    or… let’s go the traditional route:

    Deli Counter Confessions…

  22. I’d never thought of writing porno romance novels. Mainly because most of the “erotica” I’ve ever read has just made me laugh. So, I guess I should think about writing my own… I’ll let you be my test reader, Crissy.

  23. Well, I’m off to buy some books now! I’ve never even tried to get into romance novels since they seemed so full of lame, but it’s good to see some other options!

  24. As a youth, my mother was quite the avid reader of romance novels. She would bring them home from the library. Perhaps the most amusing thing about romance novels from the library was that if you held them up by the spine and blew on the pages, you could almost always open up right to the sex scene. I guess those pages tended to get help open longer for some reason.

    My personal reading preference is either http://Asstr.org or http://mcstories.com both of which have some rather massive online collections.

    My biggest problem with Anne Rice was the issue with upping the ante. Each book had to have more and increasingly worse torments. I would have liked a little less spanking and a little more sex… maybe the occassional making of the love.

  25. I came across one of the books I had to buy for Children’s Literature back in college and I swear I was thinking about you because they mentioned librarians.

    Anyway, this is the book
    http://www.amazon.com/Read-Aloud-Handbook-Sixth-Jim-Trelease/dp/0143037390/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&sr=8-1

    Has nothing at all to do with sexy things. Just reading aloud to your children and book suggestions

  26. Dana beat me to the punch about getting an e-reader. Would totally solve the reading porn in public problem, unless someone is looking over your shoulder.

    Romance novels are only good for reading outloud in a large group. We sometimes have dirty story time on road trips and parties with friends. Bulbous head is a phrase still thrown around randomly 5 years later.

  27. Better Late Than Never says:

    This was a great post, but I laughed out loud when I read the comment by the hubby (gland). TFS!

  28. If you want to read porn in public all you need is a Kindle. You can buy your books and access the Erotica Websites. Not that my wife and I do that. No, that would be wrong.

  29. Get a Kindle or Sony eReader. No one will ever know what you’re reading!

  30. Anais Nin wrote a book of erotica called the Delta of Venus. She got paid by an anonymous benefactor something like $1 per page…the stuff she writes in her diary about her friends helping her come up with erotic ideas is pretty interesting. And the erotica is kind of out there but pretty sexy…hard to explain, but once I started reading her I was hooked.

    Her friend Henry Miller’s books are all super sexy, I think, particularly Sexus, but not necessarily erotica. Except for the one called Under the Roofs of Paris–but that serious business, man (like rape and incest and pedophilia…). Not so much sexy as “how irreverent can we get”.

  31. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! If the floor was so filthy w/ muddy paw prints, I’d ROFLMAO!!!

  32. Elizabeth says:

    I tried reading Anne Rice’s erotic triology Sleeping Beauty and just couldn’t get into it. I found myself cringing at Beauty running around on all fours nipple clamps included. While *I* myself enjoy a good spanking I couldn’t get past the first few chapters. :(

  33. I’m still waiting for porn books to come with scratch and sniff stickers.

  34. How about reading smut on Kindle? You could totally read dirty stuff at the dentist (so long as not illustrated). I don’t have one but my friend says her favourite thing is how she can read total trash and no one can see the cover.

  35. http://www.literotica.com

    Uhhhhhhhhgghhghghhghgh

  36. I think you’re on to something with the covers. Why not repackage smut with tame covers. No sexy, but like a picture of an atom or something.

  37. How about “10 Orgasms Or Less”?

    I had to read some smut for a Skinemax show I wrote for (under a pseudonym of course) and I was shocked, really shocked, at how amusing the parts of the book that didn’t contain 20 straight pages of “hard cocks” “pussy juice” and “wet cunts” were. Of course one thing that bothered me was how the main characters were always embarrassed for their partners to see how turned on they were, and these were some major sluts, so why would they be embarrassed to be dripping with p-juice?

    If you want some major literary BDSM, there’s always de Sade’s Justine but I could never get through the whole thing.

  38. First, yet again I get to bask in following the same education train as you (3.75 GPA at the end of first year of grad school woot woot!!).
    Second, check out this site: http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php

  39. OMG, and Pimp? GLAND.

  40. Wait CAMS! Vinny and the Roast Beef Curtains isn’t published yet!

  41. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. I’ve been looking for something to read and here it is; you delivered it to me on a silver platter! I see a trip to the bookstore on the way home tonight….

  42. maybe we should do this right and make it more of a picture book where you’re acting out the lusty prose which appears between images?

    all i know is i look at that picture at the top and i’m thinking “one leg on the stool, the other on the stacks, and my face buried between them.”

    GLAND