The Weirdest Threesome Ever

So, let’s say we’re playing a drinking game. And let’s say it’s Never Have I Ever. And let’s say it’s your turn. And let’s say you rack your brain for the most bizarre thing you can think of. And let’s say that thing is, “Never have I ever had a threesome with two lifesize blow up dolls.” And then let’s say you laugh hysterically because of course no one is going to drink to that because of course no one has ever done that. Except you look up from your laughter and you see that I’m drinking because after this weekend and thanks to my increasingly weird column here at Toy With Me, I’ve done that.

I’VE DONE THAT.

(Yes, Mom and Dad, this is where I’m going to tell the story of the time I received two blow up dolls in the mail and then proceeded to sort of have sex with them for “research.” If you decide to keep reading, please fondly remember that everything I am is a result of how you raised me and also that the fine print of being my parents means loving me even after I’ve gone down on an inflatable vagina. Cool? Cool. Here goes.)

When the dolls arrived my roommate was on the phone with an out of town friend whose wedding she’s going to be in next month, but I was too damn excited to hold off on unpacking our new house guests. I ripped the boxes open as quietly as I could and pulled the dolls out, unrolling their plastic bodies and immediately noticing how they look absolutely nothing like the picture on the front of the box. Nothing. First of all, the girl doll is entirely pink and the only thing even mildly human about her is the photo of a blonde chick’s face on her face. That’s it. A photo face and a pink body and a perfect circle mouth hole that’s just open all the time in a creepy way that says, “Why yes, your penis can reach the back of my skull through this opening, I’m so glad you asked.”

In the box with her is a little bag of spare PVC circles and a tube of glue, in case you fuck her so hard that she springs a leak and needs to be patched up. Sort of like an air mattress. Comforting, right? She also comes with an instruction manual that, in six languages, takes you step by step through how to get her holes ready for sex because, unlike her mouth, “the vagina and anal openings are enclosed with a hygienic seal.” A hygienic seal! The instructions warn you not to use a knife or scissors or a needle to break the seal (who has spare needles lying around?!) but instead to gently “peel the hygienic seal away from the vagina/anus,” which “comes off easily, revealing the vagina/anus openings and making the vagina/anus safe and ready for your usage.”

I first read those instructions and I was like, “Ah!” and “dlfkgjlk” and “stop saying vagina/anus like that!” But then I started thinking, “Man, what if real chicks were like this? If we were hygienically sealed and had to be opened (but not with a needle!) before we could have sex?”

Once I unrolled the male doll though, I realized that the girl wasn’t sealed for hygiene reasons, she was sealed because this guy is terrifying. Plastic body covered in fake body hair, rubber face with identically gaping mouth, and a separate plastic dick that has to be inserted into a hole in his pelvis area when he’s fully inflated. And, while getting him inflated is easy enough, keeping him inflated isn’t. It seemed like every time I turned around this weekend, he had deflated, which, really, is just too typical of a man. I mean, the female doll stays inflated and perky and mouth-open-ready-to-go while the male doll just keeps going limp on her.

What an asshole.

Having them in our small apartment for the week was a lovely way to get to know them, even though it kept our living room looking like we were always just one small step away from someone’s really bad porn dream. Throughout the weekend, the dolls just kept getting moved around from place to place. They were on the couch, on the floor, at our breakfast bar, by the patio – sometimes separately, sometimes on top of each other, but mostly we just kept the girl’s mouth on the guy’s dick and carried them around as an attached and ever-fucking unit.

This is the part of the story where I wish I could just stop and say that I didn’t actually attempt to have sex with the dolls, but, well, I take my assignments here at Toy With Me much too seriously for that. And now that we’ve covered that fact, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to assume that you either a) want to come stay at my apartment for the weekend, or b) never want to come over ever and are wondering how it’s possible for anyone to be sexually attracted to me. Nothing in between.

And so I leave you with those options and this lesson:

The thing about having a threesome is that it works best if all three people are equally attracted to each other and equally invested in the sex and if there aren’t any messy feelings involved. The thing about having a threesome with two blow up dolls is that none of that matters but you really do have to be drunk and it’s a lot of work for you because that bitch and dude bitch are just lazy and unappreciative and totally selfish and yet you’re still more than likely going to wake up the next day thinking much the same thing you’d think after a real threesome, something along the lines of, “WHAT WAS THAT AND WHY AM I SO SORE.”

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About Nicole Antoinette

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.

Comments

  1. I know that these dolls have a purpose and I’m glad that they exist. But I don’t care how much Viagra I consummed, there just is no way I could get Woody going for a doll. As most women already assume with men, my cock makes some decisions on it’s own. And it’s just not going to rise to the occasion of plastic.
    But I do appriciate your honest article! Well done, and I hope you had fun!

  2. you get the best mail delivered to your house. I get offers for hearing aids and electric chairs because the old folks next door roped me in on some crap they did. And while I think a power scooter would be excellent it is not really sexy. You don’t look at the 30something chick on the power chair and think “Holy Fuck she is HOT!” … well, we have learned that some people do have that fetish … but wait, crap. Where was I?
    Awesome mail. Sorry the male was so life-like :( Although, perfect visual on the 69 method of carrying.

    • We should start some kind of mail barter system. Like, I have two sort of used sex dolls! Want to trade them for a set of hearing aids? And then you can trade your electric chair with someone else, and on and on.

  3. Virginia says:

    How could you possibly have gone down on the woman. Wouldn't it be like licking one of those inflatable pool for kids. No fun in that. Not that I would go down on a woman. Where is the Penis?

  4. I love you. Can we be friends?!?!

    PS: great post!

  5. Did you give them names?

  6. Love it ! I was laughing the "hole" read , still giggling a bit. I'm too tired to be reading stuff like this , hehe.

  7. It's been real nice having Stevina around. Always hard, always ready, always with that gaping mouth hole.

    If only all men could be so gracious.

  8. Well, sort of. The man is Stevina, which is hard to explain but it's basically a combination of Steve and vagina. Kind of. The woman is nameless. Suggestions?!

  9. oh my goodness. Both of those are scary as hell. I hope you occasionally put them in your roommate's bed to freak her out

    • We deflated them last night and stuffed them in a Trader Joe's bag. Which is totally the appropriate thing to do post-sex with people you aren't interested in seeing again.

  10. Clearly, this is your best Toy With Me post yet! And probably one of the funniest/scariest things I'll read all week.

    I think it's safe to say you make me, and your parents, very proud. :)

  11. it seems the next logical step is to bring in a live guy with you, and swing with the blow up dolls.

  12. When can I come over?

  13. Stevina looks so pissed. Like he is yelling at you to just shut up and do it already!

    And I think you should start having dinner parties with them and going out to bars with them.

  14. I think I may actually be on the in-between here. I'm absolutely horrified. But I kind of want to watch anyway.

  15. They are quite freaky. Not sure that I'll be buying one anytime soon but I agree that you get the best mail delivered to your house!!! Awesome!

  16. I love this. So. Much. I'm pretty sure my reaction would be the same, except that I'd search endlessly for the leak causing the boy doll to deflate.

  17. Why is it that the guy has a fake rubber face and the chick the horrified, trying to look seductive, but mildly creepy face? Just saying this may be some kind of double standard in blow up sex dolls..

  18. the liontamer expression, pornstache and fake chest hair on stevina creep me out. what are those black lines under his man boobs. can you attach his dick to the two-face girl? then i might hit that.

  19. put them in your car, buckle them up, and drive around.

    lots of lulz

    • Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? toywithme says:

      Great way to drive in the 2 or more passenger lane, even more fun if you get pulled over.

  20. OH.MY.GOSH! I love it! This post made my day!! HAHA! What a way to spend the weekend!!! lmaoo

  21. "The thing about having a threesome is that it works best if all three people are equally attracted to each other and equally invested in the sex and if there aren’t any messy feelings involved."

    I mean.

  22. I'm assuming they're both coming to vegas, yes?

  23. TheMorningStar says:

    Srsly?!?!?! Awesome!!!

  24. MonaLisa says:

    LMAO :) good stuff

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge