People Stick Weird Things In There

Things people have put up there assWhen I was Student Nurse Aunt Becky, we used to have to stand at the nurse’s station and read patient charts under the guise that we could “learn more about our patients.” Really, is was so that we could get the hell out of their hair for awhile because the real nurses had no idea what the hell to do with us. It’s okay because we didn’t know what to do with them either. So any given day, you’d catch Student Nurses trying to blend into the wall-paper, standing at the nurses station and reading patient charts.

The first time I came across the term “anorectal foreign body” I nearly choked on my tongue. I’d heard of people who’d put things up their butts before, and I’d certainly seen butt-plugs before, but I’d never really considered shoving things up my poop chute for fun. Apparently, I was a stick in the mud.

There is a whole culture of people who like to insert things into their rectums. Things that even I couldn’t imagine shoving up the puckered poo-hole. Emergency Room staff see this sort of thing frequently, because people, upon insertion of foreign objects, will often be unable to remove the object. Which presents a problem. Your colon is a long, long place and not really ideal for foreign bodies to just, you know HANG out. So these poor saps have to go into the ER and say “I have a bottle stuck up my asshole.” And you thought getting a colonoscopy was embarrassing.

I’m going to be uncharacteristically honest here and go with “I don’t really get the up the butt insertion thing” because genuinely I do not. I’ve had a colonoscopy and trust me, they’re not fun, so I’m not quite sure how inserting a large zucchini or a tire iron would be any better. I’m in the minority, because a quick google search handily pulled up a number of things that people have inserted into their butt-holes.

My favorite quote from an actual medical case study is this:

A 39-year-old married white male lawyer presented with a self-inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher. He had inserted this bottle on previous occasions.

I don’t know where to begin on this great snippet of a case file. He tried to get the perfume bottle out with a back scratcher, Toy With Me-ers, which provides me with the most delicious mental picture. And whose perfume bottle was it? His wife’s? Furthermore, how did she feel about the perfume bottle up his ass? Because if he’d tried to get it out on his own it means she probably didn’t know about it. I have more questions than I have answers and I hate to say that I have actually lost sleep thinking about this.

Anyway, here is my list of the best things I could find that people put up their butts and then could not remove themselves:

A Frozen Pigs Tail

pig tail in assDude. I don’t even pretend to understand why someone would own a frozen pig’s tail in the first place, let alone why it would occur to them to stick it up their butt, but for some reason, there you have it. A frozen pig’s tail. If you own one, please don’t tell me. There are simply things that I do not need to know.

An Ice Pick

Ice pick up assNow this defies reason and logic because while the bowel is certainly a stretchable organ, it’s also a puncturable organ. And while it may seem like a handy hiding place to store your weapons, maybe something that can punch holes in the colon isn’t the best idea. I’m just saying.

A Knife Sharpener

knife sharpner up assI’d normally be the first to crack a sharpest knife in the drawer joke, but in this case, I simply can’t. It’s too easy. So instead, I’ll simply say that maybe the ice pick person decided that his ice pick needed a sharpening in his butt.

A Bottle Of Soda
bottle of soda up assI personally searched high and low to determine the brand of soda, but nowhere was it listed on any of the case files that I found. So, the particular brand of soda this genius shoved up their ass (and was then unable to retrieve) is bound to haunt me all night because really, don’t you need to know? I DO.

A Can Of Baby Powder

baby powder up assNow the previous items, I can sort of see being the proper shape to fit up a butt, but this defies all logic to my pea brain. I simply don’t see how it’s possible to fit that up there, but you know what? I don’t want to know. The one perk, I suppose, is that the person must have had a nice smelling ass.

Food

Food up assA very popular thing to insert up the rectum is food. Food is also, apparently damn hard to remove from your rectum, if the ER logs are to be believed (and really, who’d make THOSE up?). Bananas and salami, okay, but an apple? Or worse, an ONION? I’m sorry, but I can’t walk into a room where an onion is being cut up without weeping, so I cannot imagine the agony of having an onion exposed to my delicate butt. Then again, I wouldn’t shove food into my butt, so why worry?

A Curling Iron

b7You know, for all that hair up there? What bothers me about this isn’t that someone would think to put it up there, but that it got stuck. Gentlemen, ladies, if you don’t know what a curling iron looks like, well, they’re fracking huge. That must have been shoved way the hell up there.

Lightbulbs

Lightbulb up assWow. Just. Wow. I’ve had some terrible luck breaking lightbulbs by dropping them onto things. Hell, one time I think I actually broke one by just trying to take it out of its socket. So to actually manage insertion WITHOUT BREAKAGE takes an amazing sense of agility and daring that I can’t even begin to comprehend. Well played, sir (or madam). Well played, indeed.

Balls

Balls up assThe report that I found listed several varieties of balls that people had, for some reason or another, shoved up their ass. Baseball, tennis and pool cue balls were the favorites. Their spherical shape seems to me that it would be almost impossible to remove (unless it was attached to something else) so this would win Aunt Becky’s dumbest thing to put up your butt award. Why not go with anal beads like EVERYONE ELSE?

A Live Bullet
bullet up assThe gentlemen who used a live artillery shell to tuck his hemorrhoids back up into his butt wins my Darwin of the Year Award. Because that’s a live bullet up his ass, which could technically discharge at any point in time…inside his body cavity.

I’ve never been happier to say that the only thing I’ve ever had up my ass was my head. Now, I’m off to bathe in some bleach.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. Hannah says:

    Oh, this tale reminds me of something that happened to me a while back (only it wasn’t my bum things were shoved up…).

    I had a guy friend who I was flirty with, and we were chatting on IM one night when he randomly asks if I think it’s OK for guys to enjoy anal sex. Thinking he meant to… y’know… do it to a lady… I said ‘no, of course not’.

    He then replies ‘good, because I have a duster up my ass right now’.

    I shit you not. A full on, Mary Poppins ostrich feather duster. I’m just glad he didn’t have a webcam…

  2. Randi Randi says:

    I being a person who likes big things in my butt, can understand some of these, but not light bulbs and sharp objects, this is just common sense, is that all they could find around the house, look in the pantry,Crisco bottles work nice (the medium size round ones) but be ready to get stretched,(go slow) and then there is butt plugs, they come in a large variety of sizes (i have a big collection of them) i should also point out that i do this for intense orgasm purposes, i am a 47 year old male,and have been doing this since i was 14, so i am very experienced in anal play and i also cross dress(lingerie and thigh highs,head to toe hair removal, (waxing)i use tanning beds and wear make-up and blonde wigs, i also love very warm water enemas and coffee enemas, i am not gay but i would like a big cock in my butt, i also love vaginas and womens buttholes, i want to share with you my secret for the ultimate orgasm, start with a warm enema, wait awhile then push all the water out, than i have what is called a hitachi magic wand vibrator, then you have to get the whole ball end in your butthole, switch it on high buzz, the vibration is intense, it is a real bum shaker, then jerk your cock and watch the cum fly, also use lots of KY, and for the record i have never been to an emergency room to have anything removed from inside me, but that is my fantasy to walk in there in full drag, wig and lingerie,bent over with a Crisco bottle up my butt, pretending i can’t get it out, and a hot female nurse helps me, wow i am excited now,

  3. Jimmytarbuk says:

    I hav to admit lots of these things are crazy, but there is a logical reason, the male prostate is located in the anal passage ( a mans version of the clitoris) and so at point of orgasm, if the prostate is being tickled or pushed upon then the male experiences quite a phenomonal orgasm. But people………dont use a bloody light bulb O_o

  4. dont knock it until you try it. i like the light green squash with the big head and the bottom small…..with a bit of lube and cream it slids into my black bottom with ease….

  5. DUDE. That’s fucked up, Emm. That’s seriously fucked up.

  6. A coworker of mine is also going to school to be a radiology tech, which includes clinical rotations. So far she’s had one case where a guy had a toy car in there, and another one with a woman who came in complaining of rectal bleeding and discomfort, and the x-ray came back with a beer bottle in there. The woman was completely floored. Turned out she got drunk and passed out the night before, and her boyfriend did it while she was unconscious.

  7. I’m always much more amused by the image of these people walking into the ER. Especially the person with the curling iron, what with the cord hanging out…

    I also always remember the “10” whisk story” I’ve heard from friends, regarding someone they actually knew. That one’s hilarious…

  8. Suzy Voices says:

    I am dying over here! Reminds me of a trip to the ER with my son: http://justmeandthevoices.com/2009/05/27/body-cavity-search/

  9. charity says:

    I used to hang in the smoking hut with the radiology techs, they had the best stories….one involved kielbasa and every time they served it in the caf, we got totally grossed out.

  10. EXACTLY. This? Makes zero sense to me.

  11. In certain circles I am thought to be quite open-minded and liberal. But this is NOT ok. WTF is wrong with people?

  12. DirtyKSmama - Nikki says:

    Toy With Me – this is “Conservative” rural Kansas. These were all sober, middle class people, over age 35. No joke. Crazy, huh?

  13. I use to work as a paramedic and one of my fellow paramedics worked as an ER nurse. She had the greatest story to tell us and even brought the xrays to prove it. Well, y’all know how interns always get the shit patients (hehe, pun intended). This guy came in complaining of rectal pain so he was shunted to the newest intern. The intern took him to a curtained area to exam him and he came out laughing so hard. The intern grabbed everyone he could and said “You have to come see this.” He took them into the exam room, spread the patient’s butt cheeks, and a beam of light shot across the room. Sure enough, he had shoved a flashlight up there and it turned on while being shoved in. It took surgery to get it out.

  14. @DirtyKSmama – Nikki – You’re making this shit up! Seriously, whatever drugs these people are taking – count me out.
    @Sherry – Wow – just – Wow!

  15. I have a nurse friend who told me about an elderly woman coming into the office complaining of abdominal pain. Upon inspection the doctor found a rather large wooden ball lodged in her vagina. This woman was so old she farted dust and when asked how the wooden ball got into her vagina the old lady giggled and said that her husband must have put it there. Her husband had been dead for over 10 years. The doctor removed the ball and according to my friend there were grooves worn into the surface from the woman’s vagina. The doctor leaned and whispered “Have this carbon dated”. The ball was placed into a tray which my friend put on the floor and kicked all the way down the hall to the lab. Nope… I could NEVER be a nurse!

  16. DirtyKSmama - Nikki says:

    Oh, and then there’s the people who play “catheter,” but stick things like ballpoint pens up their peeholes (men and women.)

  17. @Krissa – Very reassuring.
    @Wicked Shawn – I love how you’re always thinking – “Curling irons? How would your hair smell the next day???” My guess would be asstastic :)

  18. I thnk I worked for that guy with the pig’s tail on……hmmmmmmm

    This fascinating work…..

    BTW….ahhh, nevermind….I have learned something today….lightbulbs bad, but curling irons? How would your hair smell the next day???

  19. @Nikki – a garden hos,. that’s just crazy! Gives me the heebie jeebies…

  20. Speaking as someone who’s head is regularly up her own ass, I can say with the utmost assurance that I have had plenty of time to take a look around and there is absolutely nothing else in there.
    Just wanted to reassure you. ;-)

  21. This post will never cease to horrify me, but I must say, the pics included are making me laugh my ass off.

  22. I like to think that I’m quite open minded and I can deal with anal sex but lightbulbs or curling irons…….holy fu*k!!!!

  23. These people with things up their arse make me feel so insignificant! I cringe when my husband mentions anal sex. And now these crazy beings stuffing their…oh god!

  24. A friend of mine is a nurse and she had a guy come into the ER with a SQUASH up his butt, and not like a zucchini or summer squash. I don’t recall what kind of squash but none of them seem comfortable. And the kicker? His wife put it there! Now that’s a romantic night, “Hey hon, wanna put that squash you just bought up my butt?” I think I’d shover that F*%@er all the way up there too!

  25. I nearly passed out the first time I heard about this. And the second. And the third. Let’s face it, I’m still horrified.

  26. Ay, Aunt Becky, you never cease to bring forth emotion in me. Today, though, the emotion is . Seriously, why are these people still alive? Our society is doing something wrong… we’re preventing natural selection!!!

  27. It normally takes me about 45-ish minutes to write a post. That’s with the kids interrupting me and you know, assorted things. But this? Took me like 4 days because I literally couldn’t read about it for very long before I had to walk the fuck AWAY. *shudders*

    SICK.

  28. I knew a girl that would masturbate with a curling iron.

    I have also heard about the use of hamsters and gerbils up the butt. Something about their scratching was supposed to get people off. But, once they went in, they couldn’t get out. I can’t imagine having to explain why their is a dead rodent inside of you. People are SICK!

  29. I have a friend who is a nurse…she once had an ER patient come in by ambulance – they had to saw off the leg of a wooden barstool to bring her in – as she was still attached to the barstool. She had splinters all up in her colon as well as her hoohoo. Major surgeries.

    HERE IS THE CRAZY PART:

    She could not promise that she wouldn’t do it again! Would not! And so they sewed her asshole up and gave her a colostomy bag!!

    I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. NO COMPRENDE.

  30. You all have apparently never seen the One Guy One Jar video. I wish there was enough bleach on earth to scour my brain from the video of a guy who put a mason jar up his poop chute, (yes, a GLASS MASON JAR) and then flexed his muscles AND THE JAR SHATTERED IN HIS ASS. All while he was videotaping this. And as sick and demented as I am, it was kind of funny to watch his penis quickly go from Wild Stallion to Shriveled Cocktail Weiner. Yeah, watching the blood stream out and him pick pieces of glass out of his ass? More than enough to convince me to stick to bullet-shaped vibes. With cords. My ass hurts.

    And before you ask, someone else sent it to me – it’s not the sort of thing I normally watch. But it was like a car wreck. You just can’t look away, regardless of how sick it is… *shudder*

  31. HAHAHA! I spent a very fun three years as a nursing assistant in the ER, and this phenomenon is very, very true. My favorites? Not only one, but FOUR sockets from a socket wrench, a test tube (which then broke because the guy decided to RIDE HIS BIKE to the ER), and a can of hairspray. The giant, Costco sized can of hairspray.

    Great post Becks!!

  32. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

  33. I loved this post, but I DO NOT want to stick it in my assicals.

  34. I have to confess that I once had a pig’s tail in my freezer. But never in a million years would I have done anything unmentionable with it. Oy.

  35. @CP – I do now! You never cease to astonish me :)
    @DirtyKSmama – Nikki – Gives a whole new meaning to “being hosed”

    I’m still mesmerized by the curling iron. Hell it has a cord attached, how do you lose that?!?!

  36. I have no idea what possesses people to stick anything INTO their arse…I’m more concerned with what is coming out most of the time.

    CP–you educate me again.

  37. DirtyKSmama - Nikki says:

    I’m also an RN. Once had a patient who put a garden hose up his butt and turned it on, a bit too forcefully. The treatment was a steroid solution up the butt a couple times a day. And although the guy could get a hose up there on his own, he insisted he couldn’t put a little medical enema up there, even tho it’s MADE to go there. I ended up having to do it for him, and he cried and screamed like a baby that it hurt. Some people you just want to smack, but at least I was behind him so he couldn’t see my eyes rolling.

  38. speaking of food, have you ever heard of “figging?”

  39. The strangest I've heard of, and saw a picture of online (*shudder*) was a jar of jelly. A GLASS JAR. Who looks at a jar and thinks "I feel like sticking that up my butt?" Clearly I'm missing something. Thank God.

    • YRU here? How about the guy that died from internal injuries after gettin fucked by a horse….who wakes up and says…"I 'm going to let a horse fuck me today..!

  40. I mean. I just. I can’t. It’s like. WHAT! Who are these people? I need to meet the people who are putting lightbulbs in their ASS on PURPOSE. Just to, you know, ask a few questions. Like if they’re fucking CRAZY and and and and ::mind explodes::

  41. I am pretty sure it’s coca cola.