The Art of The Dick Picture

So let’s say you’re on vacation and you see a fantastically cool shot glass, the coolest shot glass you’ve ever seen, and you buy it because you’re all, “Dude, that’s a sick shot glass.” And then the next time you’re on vacation, you see another shot glass that you really like and you buy that one, too. And then, before you know it, you own like fifty shot glasses and are a person who other people identify as being a collector of shot glasses.

This is exactly how it is for me, except instead of shot glasses, it’s dick pictures. And instead of buying them, they’ve been sent to me for free from an inordinate amount of guys throughout my life.

Maybe it’s because my blog is wildly inappropriate, or because I’m wildly inappropriate, or because I write this sex column that in just a few short weeks has already touched on anal sex and vagina glitter and the specifics of the Dirty Sanchez. Or maybe men love their cocks more than I ever thought possible and can’t wait to be all, “LOOK WHAT I’VE GOT DOWN HERE.” Or maybe E, all of the above.

Regardless, I’m now the proud owner of a serious amount of dick pictures. The first few times it happened I was all, “Huh, weird.” And then it happened again. And again. From people I’ve dated, people I haven’t dated, people I’ve met in person, people I know through my blog that I’ve never met in person, people I know through my blog that I’ve never met in person but am probably going to meet in person at some point – the list goes on.

Initially, I kept it to myself. I mean, as open as I am it’s still phenomenally awkward to be all, “Hey, received any good dick pictures recently?” But then I started to wonder, is it just me? Am I the only one that this happens to? So I started asking around, and after checking in with a range of female friends I’ve learned that it’s not just me and that men everywhere are obsessed with sending photos of their dicks that all fit the exact same criteria.

Behold, The Dick Picture Rules

Rule #1: Avoid having anything else in the photo.
Before I continue, let’s clear something up. Of *course* I’ve sent pictures of the scandalous variety to men in the past. Of course. But I’ve never, ever sent a picture that has absolutely nothing in it besides my vagina. Why? Because it’s totally fucking weird, that’s why. Like, where’s your face? Or even your leg? Or something in the background that lets me know that you’re a real person and not a zombie cock. (Zombie Cock? Man that’s a great band name…)

Rule #2: Put your hand at the base of your penis.
This is the sole exception to rule number one, as the hand is the only other thing that ever appears in the picture aside from the dick itself. And I’m curious, why do men do this? Why do they love to have one hand at the base of their penis while taking the dick picture? Does this make it look bigger? Does it hold it in place? Do they want my mind to wander to thoughts of them jerking off? Do they think they have sexy fingernails? These are serious questions. No really, enlighten me. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

Rule #3: Zoom in as far as you can.
I’m fully convinced that there’s an online course that men are taking in how to do this; how to take a photo of their penis in which it’s 100 million percent impossible to have even the slightest perception of size. It’s a trick, I think, to make me stare at it as long as possible while I try to figure out if it’s huge, or if the camera is inordinately close to the penis, or anything about it that lets me know what I’m dealing with. Men, we ladies think this is unfair. In fact, we think all future dick pictures should be taken side by side with a roll of quarters so that we can have a frame of reference. Or, wait, aren’t I supposed to say that size doesn’t matter at all? Shit, I forgot the official female party line! Guys, please promptly forget all previous sentences and we’ll move on. Ready? Okay.

Rule #4: Tell her you “don’t normally do this kind of thing.”
My calculations have proven that this statement is true maybe one out of a really, really big number of times, and yet men continue to use that same line. Look, guys, I’m certainly not complaining about the dick pictures. I love the dick pictures! More free porn, I say. But if we’re at a place in our probably quite fucked up relationship where you’re sending me dick pictures (particularly if I’ve never experienced your dick in and around my body area first), I’m going to assume that in fact, you do “this kind of thing” all the time. Sending unsolicited dick pictures isn’t something you do once, to one random girl, and then never do again. It’s just not. So how about this, how about you call a spade a spade and be all, “I’ve got a pretty awesome dick, wanna see?” and don’t try to make me feel special with your shenanigans about how I’m the only one with your dick in my inbox.

Speaking of my inbox, I’m now wondering if this post is going to result in an increase in my dick picture collection. Actually yeah, let’s do an experiment. I’ve set up an email address exclusively for this (no seriously, it’s dickpictures@nicoleisbetter.com) and I hereby request that you start submitting right this second. If you’re a chick, please pass this along to any willing guys you know. Or send me a picture that someone has sent you in the past. Or, I don’t know, send me a virtual high five for hopefully increasing the quality of all future dick pictures you might receive.

If you’re a guy, what are you waiting for? Do it anonymously, do it non-anonymously, it doesn’t matter because the only rule I abide by here is respecting guys enough to not share their dick picture with the world. Actually it’s not about respect at all, I’m just selfish and greedy. Whatever, same end result. Let’s do this.

Most creative picture breaking all of the above listed rules wins.

Nicole Antoinette About Nicole Antoinette

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.

Comments

  1. Hey girls and Nicole especially. I love the post and would just like to add that the face must be kept out for descrecionary reasons, lol. Also, for any of the girls that would like one just send your request to kndvs09@gmail.com (I’m serious). And as Nicole said, I’ll call a spade a spade and be all, “I’ve got a pretty awesome dick, wanna see?” So hit me up, I’m a normal good looking 23 year old

  2. If I had to put a picture of my dick next to a roll of quarters.. i'd shortchange the roll. LIke $6.75 or something..

  3. I made a button for a friend that said "Don't lie about your penis if I'm going to see it later! She loved it!

  4. Thanks for helping me work through my stupor over just receiving a dick pic, unsolicited of course, from a guy who knows my Mom, in which he photographed his dick (huge btw) leaping out from the fly of his cartoon boxer shorts, wearing an ugly shirt. Dick was great but the shirt and boxers a permanent turn off.

  5. I agree with adriana.

    Not that I have a dpcollection (mine is, inexplicably, bacon related things – people send me thing on bacon lampshades, bacon pillows, bacon envelopes, bacon lip balm, more so after i request that they stop) I actually lose respect for the dick picture if there are wrong things in the background. I judge based on your dick picture peripheral.

    I judge you when I see behind your arrogant penis that your walls are a terrible shade of teal or orange. That youve got a giant plastic disposable garbage can by your bed instead of in the kitchen. That youve got rolled up dirty clothes hanging out on top of a bookshelf behind your penis. That you have bad taste in pinup models or music based on the posters you got. There have been many gawk-worthy penises I've seen but have dismissed because the background took so much away from it.

    And yeah.. I judge you when there is nothing else in the picture, not even a hand or a thigh, because to me that means you are trying to trick me.

  6. I remember being stunned when chatting with someone online many years ago and the guy send a dick picture! Like, that’s something I’d rather discover myself thank you if we get down and get dirty….

  7. Ashley: Luckily, I work from home :)

  8. My mind is blown.

    People actually SEND YOU THESE UNSOLICITED?!

    Oy. That is just odd. When it happened the first time, what was your reaction?? I feel like I’d probably throw something at the screen or scream or something. What if you were at work? How would you play that off casually?

    My mind boggles. Just. Wow. I had no idea. Ha.

  9. I am the proud owner of a dick picture or two. And of course, I’ve sent a picture or two of my own. Heres my rule though, of course it can’t be just a vagina picture, I need to zoom out a little, (you know for the sake of composition) but I never, ever, send a nude picture with my face on it. Now, do I have a full body nude picture from a guy who was not quite as smart as me? Yes, I do, and he should probably always remember that when pissing me off. Only he’s hot so sharing it would only be beneficial to him. Point is; dick pictures=awesome.

  10. I too have never received a dick pic. I am okay with this.

  11. I sincerely hope it is blown up, framed, and on the ceiling. Really though. I’ll sign it with a silver sharpy when I’m in town if it is.

    Frills.

  12. Yes Mike, don’t worry, I feel plenty special. Your dick picture is framed in my apartment. I mean, it’s not. Or maybe it is. Or maybe not.

    YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.

    This is the creepiest comment on this post so far, which for a post like this, is saying a lot.

    I win?

  13. I’m not bashful. I’ve sent pictures of my dick to girls before, but typically not without them knowing something was coming first. I’m not THAT creepy.

    1.) For me the fact that usually it’s just the cock in the picture comes down to the fact that the male body has very little to show that is really that great, unless of course you’re airbrushed, or Brad Pitt. Either or. So typically unless I’m comfortable, I stick to just the johnson.

    2.) Yes, the hand at the base does indeed make it look bigger. Or at least gives it some proportion.

    3.) I don’t zoom in typically. I just take the picture.

    4.) I’m semi-offended by this. I really don’t do it with just anyone Nicole. Consider yourself very special. ;) HAHAH!

  14. CockGawker says:

    How did I miss this post?!

  15. My husband is sending you pictures. lol

  16. Four pictures and counting…

  17. I had more fun with this post than I will admit to. hee hee

  18. No one’s ever sent me dick pictures. *sob* I’m quite jealous. I even practically begged this guy I had a cyber thing with a few years ago to send me one and he wouldn’t do it; said he was too embarrassed. But he wanted pictures & video of me.

  19. There is a blog dedicated to showing off poorly taken craigslist ad pictures. Most of them are cock pics, of course. d=

    It’s surprising how much stuff IS in some of those pics. Guys seem to use anything to show size (bottles, flashlights, vacuums, etc) and they don’t give a crap about their surroundings as we can see trash, kid’s toys, mom or the wife’s decorating skills, etc. Not sure how people think that will turn a person on.

  20. the dick pic is essentially a hostess gift. men hope with this offering, that it gives them entree to your full spread . it’s the old “i’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.”

    hilarious about the hand positioning. the pics are usually so cute and flattering, but i’d rather take the pic myself. i’m better at composition. : )

    and zombie cock is a great fucking band name!

  21. I mean, I’ve never received a dick pic and now I’ve got the jealousies. But it’s okay, because yeah, you’re def showing me the collection next time I come visit you.

  22. I’ve received a few photos before and giggled over them. Now I’m settled on just one that I’ve been with for five years. If I ever get any more that I don’t want, I’ll send them your way!

    Your post also reminded me of a bizarre website I came across last night, http://www.inchwear.net/, where the guys basically represent their dick size. It seems more like a gay thing going on.

    • I'm actually an owner of one of the shirts and I have gotten so many compliments on my size! Of course I rounded up. I don't think it's a gay thing at all, it's just that gay guys seem to gravitate towards anything perverse and completely take it over. I think I'm going to order these for my jock friends, in 9 inch and up of course. Wouldnt want to hurtn anyones ego!

  23. COME ON you have to share at least a couple of pictures with me and Jamie. I’ve sent you VIDEOS before. It’s only fair.

    I have to go take a picture of my vagina now. Want me to send it to you too?
    vaginapics@nicoleisbetter.com? No?

  24. You know, I’m totally tempted to send you a picture, despite having a rather ugly penis. Thankfully I don’t own a camera or else I might have given into this moment of weakness, then one day I’d actually meet you and all I’d be able to think is “Fuck, she’s totally thinking about my ugly cock”.

  25. Where is the sign-up list again?

  26. Ev`Yan | apricot tea. says:

    I have never, ever, ever received dick pictures. Maybe it’s because I’m married now. But even when I wasn’t married, no one thought to do that for me. & I’m kind of glad, because I would have thought it rather creepy.

    Also? I have to admit that I was very disappointed to see that there were no examples of an Epic Dick Picture in this post. I really was.

  27. I’ve actually philosophized on this one in the past. Here are some of my theories.. from a guys point of view.

    First off.. breasts are amazing. The very act of looking at a pair of breasts can make a man’s (this man specifically) brain turn to absolute mush. In a good way.

    As a man, I wish to inflict this mind melting sensation upon individuals of the opposite sex. It gives me power over them and makes them feel good. At least in theory.

    On problem though with women is that there is such a thing as ‘too big’. This doesn’t often happen with breasts but there is a sense that a girl may deem your manhood to be into ‘ouch’ range and thus she will no longer be interested. This is not good. You want her thinking you are on the big side but the less numbers the better.

    As for the hand around the base. It traps blood in there.. it might not actually make you bigger but it makes you FEEL bigger and that’s almost as good. Much of masculine power is based on confidence so that’s good.

    I can’t actually answer the ‘never done this before’ question however as I’ve never done that before…. with the exception that I’ve sent out naked/getting myself off pictures as part of ‘missing you’ emails. But those were to girls who had already seen the goods in person.

  28. Oh believe me Ev’Yan, it took SO MUCH self restraint to not post dick picture after dick picture. But I figured, you know, that there’s a fine line between writing about it and posting actual porn.

    Maybe I’ll email you some of the better ones. Just kidding. Maybe. MAYBE!

  29. Fine David, from now on I’ll clear all dick related email addresses with you before deciding.

  30. Oh Nicole, I’m so disappointed in you! Don’t you know that dickpics@nicoleisbetter.com sounds better?

  31. mystagenameis says:

    I love my collection of dick pics! I have a few that adhere to the rules (by the way, I absolutely prefer the shaved look, and a hand around the cock is preferable to the hand at the base) but the majority are more. Ohh … love me some pre-cum pics! Wait, were we going that far?
    Ummm … so, guys … if you just want to send em out to just anyone. Just let us know and we can set up a mailing list.

  32. Nita: Bah, haha an Absolut bottle?!? THAT’S AMAZING. Please cross your fingers that someone sends me a picture of their dick next to an alcohol bottle today.

  33. Definitely did not see requests for copies of dick pic’s coming. Should have known better.
    @Nita – You have some great “tips” on your site, thanks for sharing ;)
    @mystagenameis – Not sure guys yet realize how many girls lovvve shaved.

    Dudes, it’s going to be a lot harder to bajazzle your balls with those pubes in the way. Plus I know you don’t want to miss out on your junk being all glittery, considering how much the ladies *swoon* for glitter! So grab that razor and get busy! You can thank me later.

  34. I once had a guy who sent a photo of his dick, but in addition, his foot was in the picture. Guys, feet can be nasty, as in complete turn-off. If you don’t want that photo going immediately to my trash, keep your feet out. Unless your dick is a foot. Nutha story.

  35. Catherine says:

    I really like when they shave off all the pubic hair. I have gotten the full body pictures with the dick (and the hand at the base~ you`re right about that….why?) and face included. That gave me the impression that he hadn`t done that before….no plausible deniability! Maybe not smart, but very nice to look at..

  36. OMJ, I am so with you on the whole, “I’ve never done this before” thing. Oh okay. You just randomly sent me an unrequested dick pic, but you’ve never done it before. Yeah, I have that effect on men, often while walking down the street men’s pants fall down around their knees too. I’ve seen doctors about it, they can’t seem to figure out what is causing it. I just roll with it. I’m sorry for causing you to lose all will power and make you do things you have NEVER done before. Uh huh, sure thing. I totally believe you. Because I am that gullable. I sure am. Got any oceanfront property? I’m looking to make a move to Arizona soon.

  37. I’m dying laughing. Those rules are perfection. I actually have a blog that outlines the yays and nays of posting pictures of your dick on the internet. Oh, and I’ve got pics of dicks next to many items, from an Absolut bottle to a mini bic lighter.

  38. #2, Yes! It’s like when they shave all the pubic hair, it’s because guys genuinely think it “makes it look bigger” it’s something about the length from hair to top is a lot less than skin to tip…
    Will you be sharing any of these?? Cause…hheeeyyy…lol