So let’s say you’re on vacation and you see a fantastically cool shot glass, the coolest shot glass you’ve ever seen, and you buy it because you’re all, “Dude, that’s a sick shot glass.” And then the next time you’re on vacation, you see another shot glass that you really like and you buy that one, too. And then, before you know it, you own like fifty shot glasses and are a person who other people identify as being a collector of shot glasses.
This is exactly how it is for me, except instead of shot glasses, it’s dick pictures. And instead of buying them, they’ve been sent to me for free from an inordinate amount of guys throughout my life.
Maybe it’s because my blog is wildly inappropriate, or because I’m wildly inappropriate, or because I write this sex column that in just a few short weeks has already touched on anal sex and vagina glitter and the specifics of the Dirty Sanchez. Or maybe men love their cocks more than I ever thought possible and can’t wait to be all, “LOOK WHAT I’VE GOT DOWN HERE.” Or maybe E, all of the above.
Regardless, I’m now the proud owner of a serious amount of dick pictures. The first few times it happened I was all, “Huh, weird.” And then it happened again. And again. From people I’ve dated, people I haven’t dated, people I’ve met in person, people I know through my blog that I’ve never met in person, people I know through my blog that I’ve never met in person but am probably going to meet in person at some point – the list goes on.
Initially, I kept it to myself. I mean, as open as I am it’s still phenomenally awkward to be all, “Hey, received any good dick pictures recently?” But then I started to wonder, is it just me? Am I the only one that this happens to? So I started asking around, and after checking in with a range of female friends I’ve learned that it’s not just me and that men everywhere are obsessed with sending photos of their dicks that all fit the exact same criteria.
Behold, The Dick Picture Rules
Rule #1: Avoid having anything else in the photo.
Before I continue, let’s clear something up. Of *course* I’ve sent pictures of the scandalous variety to men in the past. Of course. But I’ve never, ever sent a picture that has absolutely nothing in it besides my vagina. Why? Because it’s totally fucking weird, that’s why. Like, where’s your face? Or even your leg? Or something in the background that lets me know that you’re a real person and not a zombie cock. (Zombie Cock? Man that’s a great band name…)
Rule #2: Put your hand at the base of your penis.
This is the sole exception to rule number one, as the hand is the only other thing that ever appears in the picture aside from the dick itself. And I’m curious, why do men do this? Why do they love to have one hand at the base of their penis while taking the dick picture? Does this make it look bigger? Does it hold it in place? Do they want my mind to wander to thoughts of them jerking off? Do they think they have sexy fingernails? These are serious questions. No really, enlighten me. I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
Rule #3: Zoom in as far as you can.
I’m fully convinced that there’s an online course that men are taking in how to do this; how to take a photo of their penis in which it’s 100 million percent impossible to have even the slightest perception of size. It’s a trick, I think, to make me stare at it as long as possible while I try to figure out if it’s huge, or if the camera is inordinately close to the penis, or anything about it that lets me know what I’m dealing with. Men, we ladies think this is unfair. In fact, we think all future dick pictures should be taken side by side with a roll of quarters so that we can have a frame of reference. Or, wait, aren’t I supposed to say that size doesn’t matter at all? Shit, I forgot the official female party line! Guys, please promptly forget all previous sentences and we’ll move on. Ready? Okay.
Rule #4: Tell her you “don’t normally do this kind of thing.”
My calculations have proven that this statement is true maybe one out of a really, really big number of times, and yet men continue to use that same line. Look, guys, I’m certainly not complaining about the dick pictures. I love the dick pictures! More free porn, I say. But if we’re at a place in our probably quite fucked up relationship where you’re sending me dick pictures (particularly if I’ve never experienced your dick in and around my body area first), I’m going to assume that in fact, you do “this kind of thing” all the time. Sending unsolicited dick pictures isn’t something you do once, to one random girl, and then never do again. It’s just not. So how about this, how about you call a spade a spade and be all, “I’ve got a pretty awesome dick, wanna see?” and don’t try to make me feel special with your shenanigans about how I’m the only one with your dick in my inbox.
Speaking of my inbox, I’m now wondering if this post is going to result in an increase in my dick picture collection. Actually yeah, let’s do an experiment. I’ve set up an email address exclusively for this (no seriously, it’s firstname.lastname@example.org) and I hereby request that you start submitting right this second. If you’re a chick, please pass this along to any willing guys you know. Or send me a picture that someone has sent you in the past. Or, I don’t know, send me a virtual high five for hopefully increasing the quality of all future dick pictures you might receive.
If you’re a guy, what are you waiting for? Do it anonymously, do it non-anonymously, it doesn’t matter because the only rule I abide by here is respecting guys enough to not share their dick picture with the world. Actually it’s not about respect at all, I’m just selfish and greedy. Whatever, same end result. Let’s do this.
Most creative picture breaking all of the above listed rules wins.