I think we’ll make my Gift Guide for Perverts an annual Toy With Me tradition seeing as I did one last year. I like my routines and traditions and lately my Xanax. They make me feel safe, like it would almost be okay to stop hiding under my couch. ALMOST. So here is mine for this year because if you’re anything like me, you have no idea what to get for people. And it stresses you out.
Like, what does my grandfather want for Christmas? He’s 93. He’s into jam sandwiches and his reclining chair. That’s pretty much his day. So what do you buy for people like that? I have no idea. Oooo. Maybe he’d like a snuggie or one of those little pockets you put on the side of your armchair so you don’t lose your tissues and your remote control?
My husband is another one who is hard to buy for. I don’t understand his stuff. He wants like, camera stuff, or car stuff, or computer stuff, and I don’t know anything about those sorts of things. So, the poor bastard gets clothes for Christmas every year. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his clothes (holy shit I just got a brilliant idea for his gift this year and it’s not clothes but I can’t tell you what it is because then Santa’s Secret Surprise will be ruined! He reads this blog, you know.) He’d probably be happiest with something as simple as a blow job, but I don’t know. Not a whole lot of thought and expense is involved in that kind of gift and everyone knows Christmas is about thought and expense. And wrapping paper. You cannot wrap a blow job in wrapping paper as far as I know but I bet Martha Stewart would be able to figure out a way…
And speaking of thoughtful gifts, would your man love a Hummer for Christmas? No, silly–not the kind of Hummer you see in the ridiculous Christmas time advertisements with the snowy romantic scene in front of the Christmas tree and the fireplace when some lucky son of a bitch is presented with a set of keys to a luxury car (with a big red bow on it) that nobody can afford. I’m talking about blow jobs. If you’re anything like me, you’re not a big fan of giving out that particular kind of Hummer (even on Christmas) because, well, ew. Semen tastes like, well, semen and not even the joy of the Christmas season can make it not taste like semen anymore. But I think I have found a gift that will make everyone happy this Christmas because there’s a pill out there that claims to make semen taste like apple pie!!! I shit you not, Toy with Mes! It’s byBlue Mountain Nutraceuticals and all you have to do is feed your Mister the little apple dietary supplement type pill and you’ll turn those not-s0-tasty cream pies into delectable apple pie good enough to serve to Grandma at the family table this holiday! It’s finger lickin’ good y’all.
Not only that, but a pill IS something you can wrap and put under the tree or in a stocking!
And just like every guy would love a nice Hummer for Christmas, every woman would love a pearl necklace! I’m picturing that same romantic scene by the fire when the man presents the lady with OH! GASP! A JEWELRY BOX! And when she opens it up, one of these babies is inside:
It’ s not exactly what I would have had in mind when I asked for a pearl necklace, but before we snap to judgment and be all Negative Nancyish about this, I think this gift actually has merit. Just think of the fun you can have with people when you wear it around town, or to a job interview, or to Christmas Services at church. Folks are bound to notice and either try really, really hard not to stare at it because it looks like something familiar but they can’t quite figure out what it is , OR they’ll comment on what a unique piece it is, and you’ll just smile and say “thank you. My boyfriend made it for me. It’s an abstract piece” and people will think you’re wicked cool and art-y and not some crazy lunatic wearing a cum shot pendant and calling it jewelry. I sort of want one, just because of the inherent entertainment value, and at a mere $420 each, I think I’d like to have both styles, because after all, I think jizz stains are kind of like snowflakes. Each one is special in its own little way.
And speaking of special, the library where I work has an annual Christmas party and every year we do a Yankee Swap thingy where everyone picks a number for the chance to go up to the table and pick a gift. Then they fight over the gifts, trading this for that, and OH! It’s a rollicking good time! This year, my contribution was a box of Ho-Hos and a bottle of rum, but how I wish I had seen this next thing first before I bought that stuff because they would have made for a Christmas party to remember for sure!
They’re called Pornaments and what they are are filthy, dirty ornaments that would have Aunt Mabel in a swoon if she saw them on your tree. What I wouldn’t give to go back and get a chance to slip this bad boy into an innocent looking, politely wrapped gift that just screams PICK ME!
Bwahahahahahahahaha! That would have caused a bigger stir than the time somebody shit in the book drop (true story).
No wait, THIS ONE is even better!
I dare say that most of my lovely, if a tad stodgy, co-workers wouldn’t have even known what that was. It would have been bad ass. Ah, well. I guess there’s always next year.
For the hell of it, and I highly recommend you do this too, I went to Etsy and typed in “penis” in the search box. I also typed in “vagina,” but we’ll get to that in a second.
In the penis category, I found this. It is a “hand silkscreened giant condom pillow with giant fabric condom.”
This is the perfect decoration for a bachelor pad and I’m totally getting it for my brother, seeing as he has such issues with ladies who have, ahem, well, fishcunts. Maybe he can just get his entire body into this bad boy and be done with it.
And then I typed in “vagina.” It was kind of a toss up between this very refined “CUNT” necklace:
And these penis and vagina slippers:
But then I saw this other thing and are you sitting down because my friends, this is probably the best thing I’ve ever seen.
That’s right. It’s a Vagina Trucker Hat and I think I’m totally getting one for myself because the price is right at a mere $15. How could I go wrong!?! The description says “Life-like extra wooly vagina complete with clit on a light blue trucker hat.” I’m not that into “extra wooly” vaginas, but I bet I could ask them to give it a nice clip and trip before they toss it in the mail slot.
Hahahahahahahaha. You love me.
Anywhoodle, here is my challenge to you Toy with Mes. Go forth and find me the most horrifying and bizarre sexually related gift you can. OR tell me about one you have already received and please, oh please don’t tell me somebody got you the trucker hat because I want to be the only one! I fancy myself as a bit of a trendsetter and THIS, my friends, is the next huge fad. It will be bigger even than fanny packs. Mark my words.