Five Very Unusual Weddings

Love and marriageWhen I found out that I was going to get married, I think no one was probably more surprised than me. I just wasn’t the marrying kind. I always figured I’d outback through the Swahili jungle, breastfeeding native children while curing baldness and world hunger, not stand up on the alter in a big white dress saying my vows before God and all my family. It was most discomfiting to say the least. But the man that I was going to marry wanted the big white wedding, so he dragged me up the aisle kicking and screaming where I promised to love, honor and repay him for the rest of his natural life. I haven’t let him forget it since. But I was the sort of bride who had to fake her wedding. Like, when people wanted to talk flower arrangements, I had to put on my big fake bridal voice and pretend to give a shit about them, just so people weren’t all suspect. The marriage, I was good with, the exact arrangement of the bridal party, I could have given a shit about.

I Fake It
I’m in the minority in this, I’m aware, because I’ve caused my friends no end of grief over this. It’s not intentional, I swear, because really, if I could have mustered up any real enthusiasm, I would have done so when I laced up the back of my OWN strapless A-line. I’ve always tried to put on a big fake smile, but it never really works well. Maybe someday I’ll not have to fake a wedding, but then again, someday, I may produce diamonds out of my rectum, too, so I wouldn’t hold my breath. I think the problem with weddings is that you’re essentially going to the same party over and over again. So when you hold your own, it’s being compared to every wedding before it and every wedding after it. So if your food sucks, everyone whines.

He. Orders. The. Pillow. Dinner.

Man marries a pillowBut now and again, people hold weddings that are so outlandish that even Your Aunt Becky cannot possibly find anything to really do but laugh. And in these rare cases, it’s socially acceptable to do so. Recently, a Korean man married a pillow that had been printed with his favorite anime character Fate Testarossa. It’s a life-sized pillow, to be fair, I suppose, rather than the cheap five-dollar ones I spring for from Target, and he apparently is in love with it. I’m not sure how one can be in love with an inanimate object, but the guy actually takes his bride out to amusement parks and even to dinner. Where he orders the pillow it’s own dinner. He. Orders. The. Pillow. Dinner. I mean, I admit, sometimes, I feel stupid ordering all of my children their own dinners, considering often one will often go untouched, but my kids do all have working digestive tracts. Then, apparently, he married the pillow. Perhaps they registered for sheets?

Straddling The Monument

Married the Eiffel TowerA US woman who had previously been in love with an archery bow married the Eiffel Tower in 2007. This woman married a national monument that lives halfway around the world from where she does and apparently, feels as though they are connected intimately. She went as far as to change her name to Erika La Tour Eiffel to reflect her marital status, and is saddened that because she lives so far away from the love of her life, because, of course the lack of intimacy is forever present in her life. For their first year anniversary, however, she did go and consummate their marriage by straddling the monument. Naked. Sometimes, I don’t even have to write anything to make things awkward and weird because they just are.

At Least She Is Quiet

married a sex dollIn 2000, Dave Cat married an actual sex doll. The dude likes it that she’s “quiet.” Which, I mean, after living with me for seven years, I’m sure The Daver could probably be pretty happy living with because I’m willing to bet she doesn’t chase him around singing Rod Stewart songs (probably because, you know, she has NO LEGS). Apparently, they’re in love but the girl is AWFULLY high maintenance for something made of…plastic. You’d think that for something made of injection molding, she’d be cheaper to run than five grand a year, but apparently, all ladies cost money. Even…fake ones.

He Married A Video Game Character

He married a video game characterIn November of 2009, an especially creepy Japanese man married a video game character from a Nintendo DS game called “Love Plus.” The game is, predictably, a virtual dating game, but the ceremony was really real and held in Guam, where it’s legal to marry inanimate and imaginary objects (now you know. And now I know. Now, I can’t UN-know that.). Let’s back this up so I make sure you get this straight: someone married a video game character. For reals. I think I just died inside typing that. I mean, to each their own, but holy shit, do I need a bath in something very cleansing. Like holy water and bleach or some combination of the two.

This is Going Downhill

married to a roller coasterA lady named Amy Wolfe married an eighty foot roller coaster named 1001 Nachts in 2009, and has been on the ride, her husband, three-thousand times. She claims to love him “as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever…I was insanely attracted to him sexually and mentally.” She, like the Eiffel tower bride, has intentions of changing her last name to Weber after the ride manufacturer. I’m really not sure how the hell she “knows” this considering she’s in love with a gigantic roller coaster and not a living, breathing person, but what the do I know? Amy says that she carries a bag of spare nuts and bolts from the coaster with her at all times and sleeps with a picture of it above her at night so that she always feels close to it. Which, I have to say, is more than I do with my own husband, who might take issue with me carrying around his spare parts at all times. Probably because it’s wicked creepy.

Suddenly, I’m thinking that all of my friends who have never had to travel with me on my “husband” the roller coaster, or had to listen to me wax poetic about the love of my life “the Eiffel Tower” should really probably start to thank me for my decided lack of interest in weddings. Maybe they should even start sending me honorary gifts just for not being that crazy. Because no matter what I have read on this type of fetish, called “objectum sexual”, this is simply something I just don’t understand. Now, Diet Coke, we have a special bond, but there’s no way that even for the love of my sweet, sweet nectar of the gods, would I put on a stupid white dress and prance up the aisle again. MUCH.

About Mommy Wants Vodka

Bored by mini-vans, life in the child lane, and pot-pie recipes, Becky began to write on her blog, Mommy Wants Vodka in 2007. She was as shocked as anyone to find out that people actually wanted to read what she wrote. Instead of living a swinging life of weekends in the Congo and curing baldness while holding crack babies, she stays home with her three children. An unpaid, kept woman.

Comments

  1. I totally want to marry a man, not a pillow or a roller coaster, but I dread a wedding. I’m hoping he pretty much wants Vegas or a justice of the peace.

  2. What the hell? This is quite possibly the most bizarre post I’ve read… ever.
    Kent wanted a big floofy wedding and I didn’t. We got married in our living room. And I wore PANTS! Good times. :)
    Sad day when people can marry inanimate objects but not their same sex life partners.

  3. Note to self: Do not sit on that roller coaster ever…or with out some windex, lysol. bleach and saran wrap. Most married people have unproteced sex and what with all the asses….

  4. I might marry cheese, though. I really might.

  5. mumma boo says:

    *scratches Guam off possible vacation site list*

  6. Gaaaa! Now I cannot un-know this either! Thank you for inching me just that much closer to a full nervous breakdown.

  7. I just wonder f these people also drive creeper vans……

  8. With you on the weddings too. Why spend as much money as people do on a down payment on a HOUSE, when you could just have a barbeque? I think people like barbeque parties better for the most part as well. Especially bridesmaids, who have to buy a dress that they will NEVER wear again. No, they wont, no matter how much they think they will.

  9. I was never into weddings, never even “dreamed” of it as a kid, like most little girls do. They are SO cumbersome and expensive, I could think of a million other things I would rather spend my mula and tiempo on (like fixing up the house we’re going to live in?). So, in that, with both marriages (and no! I won’t have another), they’ve been simple and cheap. Literally. We are talking the civil center wedding. Both. Times. So I get your view. The view of these other peeps with the wacked-out weddings/significant others? Not so much. But then again… who am I to judge. I didn’t exactly find love/life everlasting the first time around.

  10. I realized AFTER I wrote this that I was wearing a wee pendant with an Eiffel Tower on it. Then I got kinda skeeved out. Do you think she’s jealous? I BET SHE’S GONNA KILL ME NOW FOR MESSING WITH HER…MAN?

  11. Ok, I’ve been on lots of roller coasters, but I’ve never found spare parts from them that I can pick up and take home. If I had, I dare say, I wouldn’t have ridden on it. How did she get a whole BAG of them?

    If these people divorce their inanimate spouses, does anyone get alimony? Cuz the pillow has no income, but the Eiffel tower rakes it in, I bet.

    I think I’ll stick with my living, breathing man. I am somewhat like the pillow wife, in that with age I sag and get a bit lumpy. I think I talk a WHOLE lot more tho.

  12. Suzy Voices says:

    Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

  13. @The Mercurial Wife That movie = Lars and The Real Girl and it totally rocked. I thought it would be totally crazy, too…but it’s one of my faves now. Probably because the guy wasn’t creepy. That helps a lot.

    I’m with you all on traditional weddings, though. I’m not even a big fan of getting invited to them, even though I’m a sucker and will totally cry for you on your big f’n day. Someone’s got to do it!

  14. Can human beings get any weirder?!

    I watched a movie where this dude orders a plastic doll and carries her every damn where!

    What is wrong with this world?!

    *smh*

  15. @Dear Redhead – you forgot the screams of glee/terror.
    @Stephanie – People marrying lamps?” Of Course not, you just have sex with lamps, they are definitely not the marrying type.

    The sad part is that most people getting married plan up to a year for that one special day, and do little planning for the lifetime beyond that…. unless of course you marry a roller coaster or monument.

  16. Dear Redhead says:

    I don’t think the roller coaster is so weird. It’s not all that different from marrying a human: ups, downs and a ride when you need it most.

    Oh – and cotton candy!

  17. @Kelly – Thank G-d for sisters.
    @stephanie – I have a couple of those myself. #ignoranceisbliss
    @robert – B.M. – King of the one liners.
    @BlowJoy – Thanks for the insightful links.

  18. “Suddenly, I’m thinking that all of my friends who have never had to travel with me on my “husband” the roller coaster…”

    The Daver is a roller coaster, huh? I guess that’s what it takes to marry the non-marrying kind.

  19. This is actually something that I know a lot about!

    It’s called Object-Sexuality and they have their own international community (website found here: http://www.objectum-sexuality.org/ ).

    And you can watch “Married to the Eiffel Tower” here:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STCOo9Hh5lE

    And here’s an excellently bizarre article about the whole Japanense men/pillow love. They even have bars and yacht cruises that cater to these “relationships.”

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/magazine/26FOB-2DLove-t.html

    Ok, that is all.

  20. Crissy, why am I not surprised AT ALL? We’re the same fucking person.

  21. My friend Valerie dragged me through planning my wedding because I just didn’t give a shit. It’s just a party, not THE ONLY DAY OF MY LIFE.

    You and me= SISTAS.

  22. Well, as Bill Maher recently said, “true love is like a Toyota Prius, it just can’t be stopped”

  23. stephanie says:

    I’m all pro gay marriage and get the argument from my conservative family that “if you let that happen, what’s next?? People marrying lamps?”

    OH SHIT. I hope they don’t see this.
    They are already ‘tarded and all; without ammunition.

    to each their own is what I say!

  24. Cotton Candy is like the sweet nectar of the GODS.

  25. Aunt Becky, this is just weird….and I am so with you, love of nothing could ever make me repeat an actual wedding ever again. My plan was to get married on a beach somewhere alone with my husband. It was seriously vetoed by every member of my family, and I just rolled with it. Good thing that my sister got married almost exactly the year before, because I basically just copied everything she did. Made my life a bit easier…