Vajazzling – Crystals For Your Clitoris

VajazzledI’m pretty good about getting my monthly Brazilian wax. And by “pretty good” I mean “totally religious about it and I’m not really religious at all so my vagina is pretty much my spiritual everything.” Or you know, something a lot less creepy but still just as accurate.

So the waxing, right. Well, anyone who gets it done will tell you that the overarching cardinal rule to having your pubic hair yanked out with hot wax is that if that’s the kind of hair removal you’re choosing, it has to be your only kind. You’re married to it. You can’t have a casual relationship with your hair removal – as in, no shaving in between. No matter what. No matter how badly you’re tempted. No matter how much you want to bone the new guy that you happened to start seeing at an unfortunately inconvenient point in your waxing cycle.

You No Shave!

And I know this rule. I know. I know. But what did I do last month? I fucking shaved anyway. Because I was so drunk on my desire for last minute sex that I momentarily let myself forget about the out and out horror of that first post-shaving wax. Fast forward to last week and my finally sacking up to get just that very wax and and and oh my actual HELL. Tammy, the woman who does my waxing, literally slapped me on the thigh and was all, “you no shave!” and I was like, “I know but -” and she was all, “YOU NO SHAVE!” and handed me this little paper fan and motioned for me to start fanning myself while making a face that said, “Oh yeah? You couldn’t wait? You had to shave? Well, get comfortable you little slut because you’re going to be hot and sweaty and in so much pain that you’re going to need to fan yourself over and over for the next 45 plus minutes while I undo all the damage you caused to my masterpiece of a wax job.”

So I did, I fanned and fanned and about halfway through I had to stop with the fanning because of all things, my arm was sore and as soon as I stopped, I saw that while the front of the fan was blank, the back of the fan had a picture of a Geisha on it and a quote in big bold font that read, “You just know something beautiful is happening” and I’m all, “Yeah bro, beautiful” and continued to writhe around in agony while Tammy shook her head and pulled out the tweezers and kept muttering, “You no listen! I say no shave!” and I felt like I was four years old and had taken a cookie from the cookie jar except I’m 24 years old and this was all about my cookie and yet somehow I had still been a very bad girl.

Bling For My Thing

Fast forward through another 20 minutes of my losing the will to live to the part where by some grace of whatever, I actually made it to the end of the damn thing, to the part where I paid for the torture and walked out feeling like I had come through actual battle and I was skipping to the bus and I was so fucking proud of myself for my valiant vaginal efforts and all I could think was, “I’m so hot and woo-hoo and everybody have sex with me right this second” but, and of course there’s a but because life is hard and cruel, just as I got home and was at the pinnacle of it all, I checked my email and saw that while I was off doing more than my due diligence in vagina maintenance, two different people had sent me links to some new process called Vajazzling and oh my god, my entire world has come to a halt with the knowledge that my hot and progressive Brazilian wax is now a thing of the past because there are women out there who are ACTUALLY BEDAZZLING THEIR VAGINAS.

Oh Bitch, You Have No Idea

And at first I was like, “no way” and the article was like, “Oh bitch, you have no idea” so I kept reading because I was all, “I don’t understand how this is possible” and the article was like, “It’s a 2-step process involving some pretty high-tech wax, and then some pretty fabulous Swarovski crystals” and I looked at the photos and watched the video and I was all, “BUT SHE HAS CRYSTALS STUCK TO HER VAGINA LIKE IT’S PARIS HILTON’S CELL PHONE” and the article didn’t have anything to say to that except to assure me that the crystals are guaranteed to last for at least five days if you don’t engage in any vigorous physical activity on the first day and I was all, “Okay, that’s lovely, but for serious, who’s going to go down on me when my vagina is so full of sparkle and glitter that the only guy who could possibly be into it is a guy who’s also into other guys??” Because I mean seriously, men of the world, can you imagine bringing a girl back to your place after a date and it’s all hot and awesome and normal and you’re slowly taking her panties off and you see that oh, by the by, her snatch is full of actual straight up Swarovski crystals? Like, what in the what do you even *do* with that kind of situation? “Hey girl, I’m really diggin your crystal pubes.” Ew. No. God. Stab stab stab.

But I mean, blah blah vagina blah blah, let’s get real here because I’m obviously going to get this done at the first available opportunity and I know, I know, you’re all, “But you’re going to have bedazzled lady parts!” and I mean, true, but my counter argument for you is that, um, I’M GOING TO HAVE BEDAZZLED LADY PARTS.

Which is to say, Dear Vagina: You thought waxing was labor intensive? Well, the stakes have been raised, welcome to sex in 2010.

Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? About Nicole Antoinette

Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.

Comments

  1. Sparkly Vaginas. Excellent. I wouldn’t pay the 50 bucks though. I’ve got some of those crystal tattoo things left over from my cousins birthday party that should do the trick :P Seriously who the hell came up with that!?

  2. Oh Holy Hell, you shaved between waxes?!?! I was cringing and writhing in pain as I was reading it, girrrrl. Damn!
    Bejeweled vaginas, way of the day!

  3. you know, if you’ve got a willing partner you can DIY. ;)

  4. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    @Melissa – Sounds like a great craft project for a rainy day.
    @CP – I think you’re on to something.

    I sense a whole new trend on the verge here. Forget scrap booking parties!

  5. OMD! Next you’d see sparkly cracks! I’m a razor girl. I’m not allowing any hot thing on my vagay…hell no!

    Nicole that must be painful!

  6. Although it would be super fun to look at and play with, you’re right… I wouldn’t want to go down on the sparkles. I’d be afraid of choking on one of ‘em. Or worse…

    Imagine a guy is down there, and when he looks up at you and smiles he’s got a grill full of crystals a la Lil’ Wayne. Yikes.

    I say go for it… It would be something super fun to laugh about for about 10 minutes before scrubbing them all off and getting to the REAL business.

  7. Bah haha Lil Wayne! I mean, I’d be a huge fan of him going down on me so really, whatever it takes.

  8. I’m really still confused about the reaction this is supposed to draw from men besides thinking that you just might be a Lebanese princess.

    Still…I say go for it.

  9. Any man who would let crystals turn them away just doesn’t have their heart in the game and wouldn’t do a good job anyway. Vajazzling may well provide a helpful defense mechanism.

  10. NICOLE! LIL WAYNE HAS LIKE 868 BAJILLION KIDS AND PROBABLY THE STDS TO MATCH IT SO I WILL NOT LET HIM GO DOWN ON YOU. NO NO NO.

    In any case, you’re way more committed to you vagina than I am. Keep up the good work. Next let’s discuss that while women are doing painful things like forcefully yanking hair from sensitive regions with a hot sticky substance, men should at least be open to some moderate trimming. Or you know, showering in general.

  11. I read that article and was so pissed that they stole my fucking idead. Just look
    http://twitter.com/avapidblonde/status/5305565158

  12. I also wish I could spell better.

  13. Wow! I am not sure how I feel about this. Overall I love the idea of women loving on her vagina and making it sparkly-like. If none fly off, then I am all good with it! Love it!

  14. i say it’s high time the vagina got the respect and admiration it deserves!

  15. See, the part where you can’t do anything between waxes but just let your fucking pubic hair grow in? I HATE THAT PART and my lack of willpower in that area is why I can’t become a dedicated waxer. So, what I’m saying is, I totally admire you and I was on board with the bedazzled vag until I saw the last picture of girlfriend giving the thumbs up and I was sort of skeeved out by it. Not sayin’, JUST SAYING.

  16. We have things like this. They are very popluar. Hewitt just drew attention to the sparklies!

    Have you tried one of the dry shavers? I use one but I cannot take the waxing. I guess I am a giver of pain, not a receiver! What does that say about me? :)

    As always, great post and great blog!

    N
    XOXO

    PS I am a total clean shaved girl!

  17. I know right?! The thumbs up picture made me all, “Hmmm” but then I realized that If *I* had a vag full of crystals, I’d be giving that goofy thumbs up too. I’m not saying, but I’m JUST SAYING.

  18. All I can think of is what the “bump and grind” would feel like while I look like a shiny Disco Barbie lunchbox down around my box.

    Two words: FUCK. THAT.

  19. Nicole you my friend are utterly ridiculous and I love u for every minute of it!!

  20. If there’s a god, he must love because he let me avoid all this by making me a man. Thank you Kobe.

  21. I went for my very first ever Brazilian last week, and this Vajazzling business was the talk of the shop. Crazy timing you have.

    “Okay, that’s lovely, but for serious, who’s going to go down on me when my vagina is so full of sparkle and glitter that the only guy who could possibly be into it is a guy who’s also into other guys??”
    Bwaaa haa haaa!

  22. This just in …. “Man Sues Woman After Chipping His Tooth On Her Vagina.”

  23. hahahahaha, please do this and post a picture ;)

  24. Next – ball bling.

  25. When I saw your tweet about how you were going to bedazzle your vagina I freaked out because the slogan is “snap, push, and pop!” for that gun bedazzler thing from the 80s (I looked it up… really, I don’t just *know* the slogan) and I was like “SHE’S GOING TO KILL HER VAGINA FOR A BLOG POST?” so I came here to talk you out of it…

    But it looks pretty harmless.

    Disturbing on a psychological level… but physically harmless.

  26. alex: as a matter of fact, i took a picture of my wife’s DIY version this very morning…

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/10383467@N07/4397461287/

  27. Oh my god, Miss Spoken, you’re my hero.

    This just in …. “Man Sues Woman After Chipping His Tooth On Her Vagina.”

    YES.

  28. Oh my gawd.
    on one hand: For reals?
    on the other: There’s the insane part of me that loves the glitter and says “WANT” humm
    I wonder if the hubs would freak over a glittering arrow pointing down..

  29. LadyLover says:

    I still don’t understand why women want to get rid of pubic hair in the first place. I went down on some girl once who shaved *everything* and it felt like a really big version of a five-year-old. (It probably didn’t help that she was into catholic school girl skirts and pigtails, but still. I like to go down on someone whose vagina looks like it’s already been through puberty, ktnxbi.) And it’s so itchy and uncomfortable when it all grows back. That whole razor burn thing on my legs? Yea, not so fun on the hot box. As for wax, the only hot drippy thing on between my legs is my girlfriend’s sweet tongue or (body) candle wax. That stuff you can pull off without taking anything else with it.

    By the way, why is bad it to shave between waxes? Is this a “See: Razor burn” moment?

  30. next — assessorizing, bedazzling your butt hole? i think that’s the only part left we haven’t tried to adorn. someone will tell me i’m wrong though.

    i’d give this a whirl. sounds like fun. or maybe i could start a business doing it myself and get out of the corporate hell. i’m always wishing.

  31. Pretty sure that a) a male friend mentioned this to me recently and we spent waaayyy too much time Googling it b) my fave part of this thread is Jenn being all “I WILL SAVE YOU FROM LIL WAYNE!”

  32. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    @Dustin – “grill full of crystals a la Lil’ Wayne” My favorite comment of the day!!
    @jenniferalaine – I agree, it’s about time more men used a weed whacker to take a little off the top.
    @A Vapid Blonde – shocked, you of all people, did not do a post on this ;)

    Wonder when they will make glow in the dark crystals?

  33. I know…what is wrong with me? Apparently I prefer to post about ripping my labia off as opposed to bedazzling it. I need to go find my hot glue gun now.

  34. I think the vagina crystal people should give all of us a big fat group discount.

  35. But if you want to have sex with girls, then maybe they’ll be all “ooh! pretty!”. Just maybe. A hypothesis here.

  36. Doniree: keeping me bisexually friendly since 2010

  37. hahahaha!!! OMG.

    My favorite line:
    “Okay, that’s lovely, but for serious, who’s going to go down on me when my vagina is so full of sparkle and glitter that the only guy who could possibly be into it is a guy who’s also into other guys??”

    soflippintrue.

  38. Error: Unable to create directory uploads/2014/04. Is its parent directory writable by the server? Toy With Me says:

    Check out this video @nicole antoinette stumbled upon. It’s a perfect match for this post. http://bit.ly/lLYm5

  39. Why shave? Its much nicer with hair down there.

  40. Luekperkinz1@yahoo.com says:

    You sound like a hoe bag. Parents must be proud!

  41. The proudest!

  42. I guess I just don’t understand why you can’t have sex with someone if you aren’t freshly depilated? I mean, I get that waxing is nice — I get some waxing every 5 weeks or so (though I leave more hair in front than most people who get waxed regularly, I think, because for me it’s simply about liking the way smooth everything-else feels, while still preferring the aesthetics of having actual pubic hair in front) but…do you think it’s so horrific to have re-growth, or do you think some guy is going to get you naked and be all “Ooooh…you have hair like an actual human being — sorry, I’m going to have to say no to the sex now, bye!” or…what, exactly? I’m just a little confused by this.

    (Also, I have, on occasion, shaved in between, the few times when I could not afford to have my almost-monthly waxing done, and I don’t get the pain thing, either. I have never found waxing to be at all painful — mildly uncomfortable in an interesting way, maybe, at most — and getting waxed a few weeks or a month after shaving was exactly the same, for me, as getting waxed and then getting waxed again a month or so later.)

  43. Ball bling. I sooo wanna see it.

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