So, last weekend I went to Vegas with 68 other bloggers. Because I’m crazy and because I love Vegas and because I love being crazy in Vegas and therefore I host Bloggers in Sin City every May and other bloggers who are equally interested in crazy Vegas shenanigans are all, “OKAY! ME TOO!”
And so we went.
About a week before heading out, Mr. & Mrs. Toy With Me were all, “We’d like to hook you up with some free sex toys to give away in Vegas” and I was like, “!!!!” and they were all, “Okay, hold on.” And then I waited a little bit and while I waited, “some free sex toys” turned into “$4,500 worth of sex toys” because the sexy bitches over at Babeland and We-Vibe and AdultSexToys.com and Empire Labs are generous and wonderful and clearly care a great deal about bloggers and their orgasms.
Here’s what happened next:
The sex toys were shipped to our hotel in five separate boxes, one of which weighed 29 pounds. Due to the high volume of sex toy boxes, I was unable to get them up to my hotel room by myself and had to have a bellman help me. When he arrived to the room he unloaded them and goes, “Would you like me to open them for you?” and I’m all, “Oh my god no” and he’s like, “I have a box cutter and everything” and I’m all, “No seriously, I’m all set” and he’s like, “It’s really no trouble” and moves toward the boxes and I’m all, “ldkfjlkghj,” which seemed to do the trick.
After he left, Vixations and I tore all the boxes open and unpacked sex toys for at least 20 minutes. Then we covered the floor with them. Then we built a tower of We-Vibes. Then we discussed whether or not anyone would notice if we just turned every single vibrator on at once, used them all, and repacked them. Then we realized that that would probably be the fucking weirdest thing in the history of things. Then we decided instead to grab five waterproof vibrators and head down to the pool to give them away. Awesomeness ensued.
The rest of the weekend was more of the wonderful same. I filled our closet with all of the sex toys and made people do funny things to earn them. Whenever anyone would come up to our room, I’d welcome them by graciously offering a tour of the Sex Toy Closet. No one says no to a tour of the Sex Toy Closet, and so I got to use the phrase, “This is a stripper pole in a box, this is Clitoral Stimulation Gel, and this is a kit you can use to make a vibrating dildo out of someone’s real cock” at least 30 times over a four day period. Which means I win. Or they win. Or all of our vaginas win. Or D, all of the above.
But you know what? As a result of this experience, I do have one big lingering question, and it’s this: What won’t drunk bloggers do for free sex toys? And I’m thinking the answer here is: nothing.
Alongside this question, my weekend in Vegas brought up a few other sex related questions that I’d like answered. First of all, where do all those hooker cards come from? Like, is there a single company who prints them all? And do they just literally print them 24 hours a day? Because if not, HOW ARE THERE SO MANY HOOKER CARDS EVERYWHERE? Seriously, no matter where you are on the strip, there’s a group of people shoving cards with pictures of naked girls on them into your hands. And, if you’re me, you take them. All of them. Because who turns down free naked girls?! However, upon closer inspection, you’ll see that certain girls are on sale. “Only $39 for Angel! Call tonight!” And I’m all, “If my vagina was on sale like a Walmart toy, I’d shank myself.” Because really, is there anything more insulting than that? Being the one girl with the sale priced bargain vagina?!
You think about that and get back to me. In the meantime, I’m going to excuse myself to try out my new We-Vibe.
Hugs & orgasms,
Nicole
P.S Watch the video reviews of the We-Vibe and the Clone-A-Willy, they are hilarious!
Possibly related goodness:
About the Author
Nicole Antoinette, 25, is a blogger, cheese addict, and all around ridiculous girl whose main goal is to meet every single person on the planet. When she's not furiously typing over at nicoleisbetter.com, her blog that's wildly inappropriate and not at all safe for work, she can be found mainlining iced tea, tweeting about her vagina, or accidentally driving the wrong way down all the damn one way streets of San Francisco.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I never wanted to go to Vegas till now…I'd love me a free We-Vibe. You don't even have to get me drunk first !
Ok maybe, if the prerequisite to do weird stuff to earn it has to be done in front of other people.. does it count if I do it when you aren't looking ??
Dear Toy With Me and Friends,
Tried the We-Vibe this morning. Our ridiculous orgasms thank you for your delicious involvement with my FAVORITE annual vacation. Better see you there in person next year.
Love,
My happy girl parts
You can bet your happy girl parts we will not miss the next Blogger In Sin City!!
So now I am totally bummed. I live in Vegas and could have totally scored some sex toys and fun and I never knew it. I have visited your site but did more lurking than participating so I gues that’s what i get for stalking quietly. As far as those cards, there are a few companies that print those because as we all know presentation is everything and every escort service needs their cards to look the best. As for the “ladies”, you never get what you see on the card. Half the time if you call those numbers and order a lady you’re lucky if it isn’t a dude in chick’s clothing (don’t ask me how I know this just know after living in Vegas for over 15 years you see stuff you’d like to forget). I am going to sign up for your feeds and hopefully I can be included in the next Vegas bloggere trip.
Next year! BiSC 2011! May 19-22!
Why the hell is Vegas so bloody far far far away!!??
Did you see this tweet?http://twitter.com/_apricottea/status/14705713518
My vagina (& Jonathan's penis) say THANK YOU.
That was my favorite tweet ever.
This is my favorite comment thread ever.
Dude, there isn't much I wouldn't do for a free vibrator SOBER.
I KNOW RIGHT?!
It sounds like you had alot of fun. I want to go next year. Would you mind having a crazy 50 year old attend? We need toys too. Well, we probably need more toys, since it's more difficult to find a man when you are over 50. I know I'm alot older than the rest of you, but I love having a good time. I promise not to act like somebody's mother…….
It's VEGAS. There's no age limit on shenanigans in Vegas.
I loved the sex-closet and I can't wait to try out the new toy!
You are the best Fairy-sex-mother ever
OMJ, Nicole, I have a collection of "The Hooker Trading Cards". So, then, whenever any of my friends go to Vegas, they collect them too, we compare our collections and swap cards, just like guys do with baseball cards. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty confident we are the coolest girls in KY. Especially when we meet at restaurants and whip out our hooker trading card sets to have a few drinks, talk about all of the shenanigans and trade some cards!! Servers LOVE us!
1) I'm going next year
2) I'm totally not using my real name for this comment b/c I'm a public school teacher.
3) I wish I'd been there just to get the wevibe! Which I'm now going to go ahead and have to buy myself!!
I'm freaked out i missed these shenanigans. Next time around we need some fair warning so a toy hound can drop everything they are doing and fly in for the fun. Your not true bad girlz unless you invite Bob on every vegas trip. just sayin.
Vegas is my favourite place ever so adding Bloggers and sex toys would be like my perfect vacation!!!
Maybe being the vagina on sale wouldn't be so bad? Like when you're new and they just want to attract buyers to you so you won't end up in the clearance aisle at Big Lots? Now That would be a reason to shank yourself…