I was suffering pretty hard trying to come up with a topic for this week’s post (it isn’t always easy to write about the Sexy Things, you know) when like a heavenly link-wielding angel from Facebook, a guy who I am “friends” with sent me this link to Vulva Original because he saw it and it made him think of me.
Um...thanks?
But really, he totally hooked my shit up and I am so grateful to him because Vulva Original is the best WTF? product since The Snuggie, my Toy With Me friends. It’s an “organic vaginal scent” and it comes in a vial with a roll on applicator.
I KNOW!
It gets even better though because while it sounds like it’s a pussy perfume, it’s actually not. It’s a masturbatory enhancement tool.
Feeling lonely? Wish you had a pair of dirty underpanties to sniff?
Well you never need wish for them again!
All you do is shake up the vial, roll the “slightly yellow, desirable substance” onto the back of your hand, and jerk off with your fleshlight or pocket pussy or whatever, to make it smell less like you’re a lonely slob wanking into a can in your mom’s basement, and more like you’re within sniffing distance of the “intimate smell of an irresistible woman.”
Believe it because I’m not clever enough to make it up.
What’s more—you can take the “erotic intimate scent of a desirable woman” with you anywhere you go! Just “breathe in and enjoy.”
Well, honk my hooter.
And the website has very sexy music and a picture gallery that’s absolutely fantastic! There’s one picture of a guy sitting on a couch smelling his hand while two chicks crouch in the background trying to sniff each other’s crotches. And there’s a model with huge tits with her legs spread wide open holding the box of Vulva Original in front of her lady business. One of the pictures even has a girl sitting on the toilet. I’m not sure what that’s about, but who cares because Hahahahahaha!
Perhaps the best part is the promotional video (it’s sort of safe for work as long as your co-workers aren’t assholes)!
Was that not the awesomest thing ever? And check this video with the guy sniffing the seat of the exercise bike! And then the sexy woman’s voice is all “smell me and cum.” Of course it’s the website’s name smellmeand.com but if you say it with an accent like hers, it sounds like “cum.”
It’s fantastic and the whole time I was watching it, I felt like the Internet gods were smiling on me soooo big.
But you have to be careful with it you guys! It’s not all fun and games. I went to the FAQ page and the makers warn you not to rub it into your skin or get it near any mucus membranes. And if you swallow it, you must induce vomiting right away. I guess after that you should see a doctor. Imagine telling that story at the ER while you’re having a lovely charcoal cocktail and trying to get a whiff of the nurse’s crotchals.
So I guess since it’s poisonous it must mean that it’s not, you know, real pussy juice. And that’s a relief because I was wondering about that. I mean have you seen the way they milk snakes and spiders to get the venom out? All I could picture was a bunch of women in stirrups with people in white lab coats “milking” them. I bet it would make a very tidy little part-time gig for squirters. But that’s too bad. It’s fake pussy juice. Better luck next time, squirters.
And don’t worry you guys. If you don’t enjoy the scent of Vulva Original, there’s two more “scent themes” coming soon! They’re called EIGHTEEN and EXOTIC.
I don’t even want to guess how eighteen-year-old pussy is different from plain old Vulva Original. It must have that “barely legal” smell. Whatever that is. And the exotic variety must have a hint of mango or passion fruit or coconut mixed in with it? Jamaican me crazy just thinking about it!
Sorry. That was lame as shit.
I just can’t help but think that this is actually a genius idea for a pervert who’s looking for a creative outlet because the sky’s the limit! I’m no expert or anything, but for every pussy, there’s got to be a different scent. I assume. I’m not really in the habit of smelling people’s crotches. Perhaps that’s a good question for my next gynecologist appointment–”Hey Doc! Does everybody’s twat smell different? And if so, what’s your favorite scent? I’m working on a little craft project at home…”
And then once they’ve made all the different vagina scents they can think of, they can break into the market for the ladies and make Balls Original! I dare say that if they do, it’s not going to be a very big seller. I don’t know too many women who’d want to smell balls. It’s not really a pretty smell most of the time and if most women are like me, they like to smell things that smell nice. I guess they could add a hint of lavender or green tea to it and call it Clean Balls. For the lady who’s partial to a more realistic scent, Sweaty Balls.
And then where do we go from there? I mean, they have to keep coming out with new products, right? Diversification is key, so why not team up with the Glade people and make a plug-in so the whole living room can smell like balls and not just the back of the hand?
Oy.
I thought I’d have more to say about this, and I do but I have to go. I’ve got to go call my panty sniffing friend now. I can save him a ton of cash!
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About the Author
Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t help it… My brain files this next to Deer Scent that hunters use. That’s deer pee, by the way…
I can see a use for this though. If you’re a guy and you’re in a “dry period” just roll this stuff on like cologne. Everyone will think 2 things for sure. 1) you get laid a lot and 2) you don’t shower at all.
I am LMFAO after watching his nose turn into a penis. That’s what it’s doing right? Does he masturbate his nose? Isn’t that a little to close to mucus membranes?
Actually female ejaculate doesn’t really have a smell nor is it the same thing as vaginal lubrication, so squirters wouldn’t be much help, I’m afraid they’d have to “milk” the women the ol’ fashioned way. I’ve actually seen this product before and thought it was hilarious. Your pun about the charcoal cocktail was pretty hilarious, and so true. Really makes you wonder what this stuff is made of…
This post reminds me of the first time I performed oral when I was about 16. My folks were out so me and my girlfriend went down to the basement to get down to business. I went down on her and after we were done and we were getting dressed I couldn’t help but notice this pungent odor. I went upstairs and I could still smell it. I was like a fart that gets stuck in your pants and follows you from room to room. I’m all like, “what the fuck, this chick reeks.”
My parents were due home soon and I was panicking because the whole house seemed to smell like Vulva, so I’m going around the house spraying air freshener all over the fucking place. It was like I was caught in a poisonous gas cloud of Vulva stink.
Took me a half hour so to realize that I should wash my face.
NotMyRealName – Eeewwww….the finished product would s’not be nice.
Great, now I feel like a total perv. Seriously – Am I the only one who copped a feel and sniff?
The only “slightly yellow, desirable substance” I want in liquid form is Korbel, or something similar.
I also don’t know how to feel about the fact that the dude in video $2 looks like Sawyer from Lost.
i am not afraid to admit that i’ve done a finger sniff during my lifetime–not just MY fingers, but the fingers of friends too.
what? i like the smell! i am a man.
There’s nothing wrong with finger sniffing, or liking the smell of your or other’s private parts. I love vagina smell, personally! What’s wrong to me is the artificial bottling it up and selling it. And these horribly stupidly awesome commercials. Can you imagine answering the casting call for that one?
CP’s comment made me puke a little…I can deal with someone liking the smell, but sniffing other people’s fingers? Ew.
Also, I really, really hope they don’t ever come out with the balls fragrance…I can’t imagine how that could be used against women. Imagine some stupid college boy sitting next to a girl, tried to picks her up and fails….then he takes his *ball* scent and sprays it on her…
As far as smells go, I’m just curious- but has anyone else had one of those days where they are very aware of their own scent? Like, not cause you’re dirty…but your pheromones are a little stronger than usual? I’m usually a little hesitant to stand too close to people on those days. I’m afraid they’ll be able to smell me. But I guess after reading this, some people wouldn’t mind so much
mind?
i’d probably hump your leg.
IF you had on nice shoes, of course.
Boys are gross.
That is all.
@ CP: And a good pair of rubber gloves.
Uhm..Wow!
My main question would have to be, why didn’t the guy in the 2nd video try to get some the the actual chick that was alone in the room with him rubbing her crotchal region all over the bike seat?
Mr Toy With Me…you are awesome. I really wish someone would have told my dear ole dad the samething when he started dating again ***shudders**!
Perhaps they should ponder putting their toxicity disclaimer up front by renaming the spray, Poisonous Pussy.
Sniff responsibly.
Ok, I need to get my hands on some of this and then figure out how to recreate it in a non-toxic form so I can make shower gel out of it. Or maybe candles. Or an oil that could be used with a reed diffuser. Think about it… you’re in the boardroom and all the men in the room are distracted by the vague whiff of lady bits. Might cut down on meeting times because they’d all have some “business” of their own to take care of.
I wonder if sex therapists could use it in their offices…
The possibilities are AMAZING!
Crissy – would you reconsider your gig on Craigslist with a pack of cheap underware and a vile of this? Perhaps you need to make a few extra bucks after the holidays?
Laughing to tears Crissy. This has classy written all over it!
You don’t have to be lonely or a slob to wank it into a can in your mom’s basement. All you have to be is male.
Let’s try and stick to the facts.
I’m flattered CP, but I’ve seen some of Crissy’s wicked awesome shoes in the pics she’s posted. I don’t think I have anything as nice. I have some nice rubber gloves though!
Who “cums” up with this shit??? Seriously, there is some super fat, sweaty guy in the back room of his mom’s house, with his grade 9 chemistry set and panties he bought off ebay making a ton of cash off this! The guy selling it must be laughing his ass off all the way to bank as he sells “lady essence” to baby boomers who don’t have the wherewithall to move outta mom’s back room.
Seriously, will wonders never cease?
I remember going to a liquor store in San Francisco’s Mission District and finding Pussy Incense. Nice, but incense can be so … inconvenient. And you need a lighter or matches or two stones and a Bear Grylls.
Vulva Original…?
This is sooo wrong. And a bit weird too.
I hope I never meet the person who came up with it.
a heavenly link-wielding angel, dropping little WTF bombs hither an yon…
I think there could be a multimedia tie in here, maybe an applicator for the Vulva Eighteen that plays Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit or something?
And what’s with the copyright? is the word vulva copyrighted? the logo? the smell? if some schmuck is walking down the sidewalk smelling like hooker queefs is he going to be arrested for patent infringement?
i fucking KNEW 2010 was going to be an awesome year. this just sealed the deal.
That is just generally creepy.
I’m betting the EIGHTEEN smells like sex in a new car.
Or Eighteen might smell like a six-pack and a bag of Nachos.
i was thinking bubble gum and “fantasy” by britney spears.
CP (re: finger sniff) – nods head in agreement.
First the article, then all the comments. I am in tears from laughter. You guys crack me up!
Umm… eww.
I like going down on a girl. I don’t want to smell it all the time.
OMFG seriously???
WTF.
I’m not sure I want to live in a world where that product exists.
Wow! I can’t stop watching the video because it was like a Saturday Night Live skit and porn all wrapped up in one. I guess when you have cyborg women like these lovely ladies hanging on your coat sleeves you need the little extra boost from a vial of “Vulva”.
WOW!
I remember learning somewhere that in past centuries, prostitutes would perfume themselves with a dab of their own pussy juice, on pulse points such as behind the ears and on the wrists.
I’ve always wanted to try that. Would I be the most popular girl around?
Disgusting. This is disgusting. Yuck. Gross and gag.
La La La La Labia – Could make for an interesting experiment.