I Have Invented The Worlds Best Sex Toy

Wii Sex Toy

I’m obsessed.

You may have figured out my obsession already by the way I’m always writing about weird sex inventions, like the Make Your Own Dildo Kit or Vulva Original perfume but not a perfume, or the Jesus Vagina Painting, or the Penis Cozy.  While I think these are some pretty awesome ideas, I fancy myself as a bit of an inventor, and I’ve got a couple of Wonderful Inventions that I think might just make some of the stuff I’ve written about look silly.

I know, it seems impossible to make the Vulva Pendant Necklace look stupid, but I think I can do it.

But before I tell you about my Wonderful Inventions, you have to promise me it won’t leave the Internet.  I don’t want my secret ideas to get out there for some assholes to steal from me because so far I haven’t told anyone about them. I came up with one of these while I was trying to sleep one night. That’s when I think up all of my BEST IDEAS EVER. Or when I’m in the shower, and I have no pen and I can’t write it down and by the time I’m all dried off, I either forget the idea, or realize it was fucking stupid and I figure the smell of my tea tree and mint shampoo must have gone to my um, head.

But that rarely happens to me. Many of my ideas are good.

Check it:

How awesome would it be, Toy With Mes, to have a vibrator that hooks up to the Wii?  I call it the Wii Sex® and I think it’s going to be HUGE because I know lots of you are busy, and you can’t really fit playing Wii games like the Wii Fit or the Wii Sports or the Wii Ski or whatever into your busy schedule and there’s hardly ever any time to masturbate (don’t try to pretend you’re not all chronic masturbators.  Why else would you be here?) and so why not do both at the same time?

See?  I’m a genius.

But WAIT!  There’s MORE!

You can choose any celebrity you want your Mii to “play” with.  Personally, I wouldn’t mind having The Deppster on there or Alex O’Loughlin or Alexander Skarsgard.  Some of you might want a little George Clooney action, or maybe some Hugh Jackman or Matthew McConaughey.  The possibilities are endless and it can be great if you’re gay too!  For example, for the ladies who like the ladies, you can get Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian, or whoever the lezzies are into these days.  I think I’d pick Jillian Michaels for my Mii Sex buddy.  I kind of have a thing for her (is it weird that instead of doing her workouts, I sometimes just rub one out to Jillian? That’s a workout, right?). Do you think she’s into library chicks?  I hope so.

(Private message to Jillian: I NEVER phone it in and I ALWAYS do it with intention.  CALL ME!)

And while we’re indulging in some fantasy here, I want my Mii to be taller and skinnier with nicer hair and hotter underpanties because I really don’t want to see Alexander Skarrsgard have sex with this:

This, sadly is me.

That’s my actual Mii and it’s not hot.

I think the controller would have to be a dildo because what else would it be?  And the nunchuck could plug into the end of it and that’s how you’d switch positions or whatever.  And of course extra points would be awarded for finding the g-spot.

And two people can play, too!  You can make your Miis do the Sexy Time with each other if you want.  All you need is two dildo controllers and you’re off!

Everyone will want this for Christmas next year.  You’ll see.  I’m gonna be rich, motherfuckers.

And this next thing is something you can kind of use along with the Wii Sex® if you feel so inclined.

It’s a Snuggie blanket for two!

I know!

You wish you had a brain like mine!  So do I, so do I.  It’s lonely here at the top.

But I can’t take all the credit for it though because it’s an idea we sort of all hatched together at work (working in a library is hard, you guys) while we were librarying very hard and pondering the virtues of the Snuggie.  The only thing that could make it better, we thought, would be to fit another person in there.

It may or may not make you and your lovah look like this monster from Sesame Street,

A Snuggie for two!

but it doesn’t matter because it’s awesome.  Basically, all it is is two one-person Snuggies sewn together to make one two-person Snuggie.  And then we’d add some little pockets for the essentials like lube and a vibrator or a condom or your favorite butt plug.  To make it a little racier and further distinguish it from the original Snuggie, ours would come in a variety of animal prints and maybe even have a marabou feather or satin trim. We even thought we could sew a Sham Wow! into the lining for extra absorbency because nobody likes to sit/sleep in the wet spot.

But perhaps the best part of this idea is the name.  Are you ready for it?

The Hankie Pankie Blankie®.


The Huggie®.


The Tuggie®.


The Huggie Tuggie Hankie Pankie Blankie®!

The Lover Cover®?


(We were all hopped up on coffee and leftover holiday fudge, so the whole thing started to get a little bit silly toward the end there.)

Anyway, I predict that as soon as I can get these Wonderful Inventions off the ground, by next Christmas everyone will be doing the Wii Sex® from beneath the comfort of their Hankie Pankie Blankie®.

Mark my words.

So tell me, you guys. Do you have any Wonderful Inventions you’d like to share with the rest of the pervs?

The Queen Of Everything About The Queen Of Everything

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.


  1. brownshuga says:

    I came up with the best sex toy idea all i need to know is who i could talk money with. I know this could be huge! Shoot me an email I ONLY DISCUSS WITH LEGIT PEOPLE rember this is gone be the best sex toy in the world!!!!

  2. I suggest you list all toys that used to draw conclusions from their responses. If you have just tell me what you feel is the best toy, it makes little sense until you have tried one or two of these.

  3. I don’t know what library you work at, but man, I want to work there. Currently, I stay home all day and wipe faces and baby butts. Yep, it’s that exciting. :)

  4. Hankie Pankie Blanki, great name ROTFL……For the Wii how about Sexercise with Toy with Me or Sexercise with Crissy? You could make millions..We get to choose our playmate to sexercise with from the controller. Great way to multi-task sex and exercise. But then again, isn’t sex exercise?

  5. Love it! We have a Wii and I have often thought there has got to be something better than fucking Mario Galaxy to play! Now I know what I’ll be downloading from now on!

  6. This is one of the best post that I have ever ever read. Your ideas rock!

  7. Crissy – You’re like an evil genius! An evil VAGINA genius!! My future Wii-wired pussy thanks you! You need to make this happen.

  8. Thank you for yet another ROTFL session!
    I’m asking to transfer to tech if this is what gets talked about @ the library! BTW: they make crayons for bath time…….. look at the toy store!

  9. Wow, did you put coke in your coffee. You are starting to scare me. Anyway, I fucking hate the snuggie but have to admit the merit of your plan. Also, Nintendo is a family console so you might have to make the game black market. Call me, I know some people. Laters

  10. Thank you, QOFE, I can no longer watch the Jenny McCarthy “Your Shape For Wii” commercials without imagining her using the controller as a vibe.

    (Not that this is a bad thing.)

  11. so i went to install the hack to enable the wiibrator, and–lo and behold–BOTH OF THE WIIMOTES ARE MISSING.

    *rubs chin, narrows eyes at crissy*

  12. Interesting….the snuggie stocks have gone crazy today – coincidence? I think not.

  13. I can totally see the Wii Sex or whatever you called it being a huge hit. That’s pure genius Crissy!

    I have an idea, but it’s not a sexy thing. It’s huge and I’ve tried e-mailing Shark Tank to see if anyone would call me back but to no avail. It’s an awesome idea though. Awesome enough to make me rich enough to pay off student loans, but my husband and I a new car (mini-van!! for each of us) and pay off our house….with some left over. It’s really that good….but I don’t want to share it cause I’m scared someone would steal it.

  14. giggles .. BRILLIANT!!! i think i would need a wii for that!

  15. Love it! The Huggy!

  16. Dear Redhead says:

    I’m going to buy a Wii now. {runs to store}

    I want a controller with a button labeled “G” though…

  17. LOL and she would win in more ways than one with this game too. ;-)

  18. Game Over: Crissy Wins

  19. This might be one video game that guys can’t get their girlfriends to put down and pay more attention to THEM. Fabulous.

  20. I want that controller!!

  21. Thanks for the links, CP!
    And one vote for the Hankie Pankie Blankie from Ms. Darkstar. Maybe I can convince her to mix up some special lube to go with it…

  22. Tess! I actually HAVE done that! Hahahahaha. It’s just a pain in the arse to get bath crayon off the walls.

  23. I LOVE Hankie Pankie Blankie®! Brilliant!

  24. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjxPxnt_CkM

    i found the wiibrator hack and i’ll try to install it on the wii tonight…

    you’d better get your game face on!

  25. You are a freaking genius. Which is why I am shocked that it hasn’t occurred to you to write on the walls of the shower with shower crayons or markers. I often write notes to hubby, the kids, or notes to self. I’ve even made shopping lists in there while taking a bath.
    And most of them are made of soap, so one swipe with a washcloth and its gone (except red- don’t use that one, it stains).
    Now, grab you wine and head to Target to buy shower writing utensils.