Wild Things – Animals Are Pretty Kinky

You guys must think all I do is sit around watching the tee-vee because I write a lot about stuff I see, but in reality, I don’t watch much television at all. What I do watch is usually something that really interests me, so when it’s not my beloved Millionaire Matchmaker or zombie midget porn, I like science and nature shows–except the ones that show the animals killing each other. I cannot handle that and I hide my head and sing “lalalalalalalala!” until my husband tells me it’s safe to look again. That said, I never (well, almost never. It depends on how yucky it is.) hide my head when the animals are doing their Sexy Time, even though I sorta feel like I’m seeing something I really shouldn’t be. Not for nothing, but animals are kinky.

There’s a bird called The Superb Bird of Paradise, and the males are really funny when it comes to trying to get attention from a girl bird. First, he makes an ungodly sound to attract the ladies and he’s all “yo, yo, come check my shit out, bitches!” And eventually a girl bird shows up to watch him contort his body and show off his fanciest feathers, and then he does a big song and dance number, probably something from Grease because he knows chicks love that shit, while the girl bird sits on a branch and patiently waits for it to be over. After the boy bird Travoltas his ass off, the girl bird literally shrugs and flies away. I didn’t know birds could shrug, but they totally can. I saw it on the tee-vee.

I actually feel really sorry for these little fellas because they work really hard on their dance numbers and the girl birds are just like, “meh.” Apparently, this happens to the boy Superb Birds of Paradise a lot because the males greatly outnumber the females, so the females can afford to be fussy.

It’s kind of like Ladies Night at a bar. They’re nothing but sausage festivals. Boys are pathetic.

While the poor little Superb Birds of Paradise are just sort of sad and nerdy, some other creatures are just plain freaky.

Take the hippopotamus, for example. They’re a real shitshow. The dude hippo positions himself where a chick hippo might see him, like in her path to the watering hole or whatever, and then he pees and shits himself, but he does it fancy for the ladies and while letting loose, he spins his tail like a propeller and sprays it all over the place. And the girls dig this and apparently, that’s how the boy hippo’s milkshake brings the girls to the yard.

Yummy.

I am so glad I’m not a hippo right now.

Otters are freaking adorable, right? Those cute little faces and great big innocent eyes are totally irresistible, but when it comes to The Sexy Time, they’re so not cuddly. While mating, the boy otter bites the girl otter on the nose and holds his bite while alternately holding her underwater for extended periods of time. He also wraps his forelegs tightly around her chest and does not let go, even though she struggles and fights to get away because he’s biting her and drowning her. Rape fantasy, anyone? Seriously, that’s some pretty kinky otter S&M right there.

Sickies.

And did you know that some male geese are as gay as the day is long? They are! And they can be parents, too! What happens is while they’re trying to do Sexy Time with each other, a female goose sneaks in between them and gets herself fertilized. I have no idea how she manages it, but nature always finds a way, I guess. It totally reminds me of some bisexual porn I saw recently where the boys were far more interested in one another than they were in the girl. They were sort of doing their thing and then looked up and were just like “who let the girl in here?” But they grabbed a boob every so often just to be cordial.

What’s really cute about the geese is that when the baby geese are born, all three geese take care of them. Do you not love geese way more than you did before learning that little fun fact? I mean, it doesn’t always happen like that, but it sometimes does and that’s pretty cool. I guess the girl goose doesn’t really care that she’s shacked up with a couple of gay guys. I wouldn’t either. As long as they help with the kids, they can do whatever they want.

Oh my goodness and Porcupines! They’re total panty sniffers and golden shower freaks! A few days before mating season begins, females start rubbing their privates up against all sorts of woodland stuff like rocks and trees and shit. They’re pretty much masturbating (note to Toy with Mes: porcupine sex toys are an untapped market. We should get on that. We’ll be rich!) And just like a human panty sniffer, the boy porcupine gets his jollies from sniffing the places where the girl’s private parts have touched. When the female is ready to make The Sexy Time, she stands up, belly-to-belly against the boy, and then he soaks her with pee from head to toe.

If that’s not golden showers, I’ve been humiliatingly misinformed for a very long time.

I could go on about all this, but really? I know an embarrassing amount of stuff about animal mating rituals, and I don’t want to frighten you, Toy with Mes. I hope you have enjoyed your sampling of the fruits of Crissy’s Tree of Random and Useless Animal Fucking Facts. Perhaps you’ve found, as I have, that animals doing the wild thing kinda makes your freak look a little less freaky once you know that all God’s creatures have a little kink going on.

About the Author

Crissy,a lifelong Rhode Islander, is 35 and has two little girls. Aside from doing a little bit of writing here and there, she doesn’t use a shred of her MA in English. She writes a blog where she is Queen of *&%$#@* Everything and reigns over her readers, whom she calls Queefs, with a loving but firm hand. In both 2008 and 2009 Crissy won the Blogger’s Choice Award for Hottest Mommy Blogger. In 2010, Crissy was chosen as one of Blogher's voices of the year.