Halloween is fast approaching and as I browse the aisles looking for costume ideas, I’m confused.
Why do they make so many slutty Halloween costumes for women?
Does Halloween somehow magically transform us all into some kind of slutbagish vixen who has the gall to wear something like this little number?
What is up with that? It’s like, just because it’s Halloween, I am magically no longer self-conscious about my thighs or my belly or the size of my assical and I feel free to just BEE slutty?
(See what I did there? Bee-Slutty? Because that was a bee costume? Hahahahahahaha!)
I don’t think so. Especially not after eating all those delicious Peanut Butter Cups, you guys.
It kinda sucks to be a girl at Halloween. In fact, just the other day I overheard some college-age girls trying on costumes at the Halloween store, and one said to the other “does it make me look fat?” and the other was like
Not even college girls look good in these costumes.
And how totally fucked up is it that they make slutty Sesame Street costumes?
Is nothing sacred, Toy with Mes?
Do the costume manufacturers want us to all look like fat, bulgy, idiots? They must, because the only people who look good in those skimpy little costumes are the models and even they don’t always pull it off. If I tried to wear one of those tiny little slut costumes, I’d spend the entire night trying to cover my ass, not to mention FREEZE MY TITS OFF. Is it not cold in most places on Halloween? Do they not care for our comfort and well being and ass coverage concerns?
No. They do not. They’ve made that quite clear, whoever they are.
I’ve never had a pre-made costume before, unless you count the Barbie costume I had when I was little. It consisted of a mask with razor sharp holes cut out for the eyes and mouth with the elastic that pulled my hair to death stapled to the sides of it that always came out half way through the night. The rest of it was a tie up the back plastic smock that my mom made me wear over my winter jacket.
Now that was a great costume, you guys! Despite the obvious hazard of cutting your tongue on the little mouth hole, or the risk of serious eye wounds, or the tripping/getting hit by a car hazard because you can’t see shit in those masks, it was warm and it was comfortable.
Other than that, I’ve always made my own costumes, so really, I have no excuse or explanation for why I have continually chosen to create something slutty and uncomfortable and cold to wear at Halloween for almost all of my adult years. Clearly, I’m all for having a little slutty fun and I just! can’t! Help it!
Take this lovely “Slutty Maid Marion” thing I had going on way back in the day when I was in college going through my Medieval Lit phase:
That corset really showed off the girls, right? I still have it somewhere.
And then a few years later, we have “Slutty Ms. Congeniality.”
Do you see what I did there? Get it? Slutty, congenial? Because being congenial is like, being friendly and so I was really, VERY friendly.
I was also pregnant even though you can’t really tell in the picture. I had a condom stuck to my shoe, messy hair and makeup, a vibrator tucked into my sash, and I had my dress stuck in my panties in the back. I wore that costume to a few parties that year except one of them turned into a bit of a disaster when we walked in and THERE WERE CHILDREN THERE!!! I had to run to the bathroom and de-slut quickly. The costume kind of sucked after that.
That guy in the “Pickle Pants Spidey” costume is my husband. We call it “Pickle Pants Spidey” because, well, when he put on his costume we thought it would be funny if it looked like Spiderman had a boner.
And then a few years later I dressed as “Slutty Pamela Anderson.”
I guess…that’s just “Pamela Anderson.”
The “slutty” part is redundant. Ooooo SNAP! Pam’s not gonna wanna be my friend after she reads this.
I was going for that vacant look that comes so naturally to Pam, but instead I just look really pissed off in that picture. The tattoo was sexy though, right? I actually considered getting one after that.
My husband dressed as Borat to my Pamela because in the movie, he was in love with her. I wish he had worn the Borat bathing suit though.
It would have been hardcore.
And then there’s last year’s “Slutty Goth Chick” outfit.
Here’s a picture of me and my nursing boobies at a party.
I had a corset on for that costume, too. The bottom half consisted of a short tutu and black and white striped tights with Mary Jane shoes. It was cute and short and cold per the usual plan.
But this year I wore a Zombie Prom Queen outfit because quite frankly, I’m tired of freezing my tits off.
What are you guys dressing up as and how do you feel about this rampant slutty Halloween phenomenon?
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