My Mom, My Brother, And The Fishcunt

ID-100200236This post today is really mostly a public service announcement brought to you by my mother who rather insisted that I write about hygiene. She was just like, “I think people need hygiene lessons. I want you to teach them about basic hygiene through your blogging and you need to go into great detail because they need to know how to be clean.”

Apparently, my mother thinks you guys are dirty.

Just kidding.

The whole thing got started when she got all fired up about it the other day when I was at her house. I said the word “fishcunt” because that’s how we roll in my family.  Actually, truth be told, it was used while describing how I was going to tell off the first grader who gave my kid trouble on the bus.  (In the end, we never told her off, so don’t worry. My classy daughter decided to try and make friends with her instead. I don’t know where she gets it.)

Suddenly, in the midst of MY story, my dear mother interrupted me and started telling a story of her own.  Apparently, as soon as I mentioned the word “fishcunt,” she was immediately reminded of my brother’s (recently ex-) girlfriend. He broke up with her after dating for about a year and I was disappointed to hear it because she was pretty and smart just like me, but she had hygiene issues not like me at all, and while he managed to get her to wash her hair, shave her pits, and clean under her fingernails, he could not get her to de-funk her crotchal area.  I guess I could have seen this coming–a few months ago, he asked me what the best way to tell a girl she needs to “scrub her beaver” would be. I covered my ears and sang the National Anthem because I did not want to have that conversation with my brother and then I sent him to my husband for advice. The poor kid didn’t want to hurt ol’ fishcunt’s feelings and was looking for a nice way to say it, but the fact was he didn’t want to go down on her because she was stinky and smelly.

I gotta tell you–I find the whole “fishcunt” thing ironic as I believe she was a Marine Biologist. So to me, it seems completely appropriate that she would have a fishcunt. It’s almost exactly like how being a chef puts you at greater risk for being chubby. I think he’s being fussy. The poor girl’s fishcunt is just an occupational hazard!

My mom’s heart is in a good place here you guys and she really wants to help people have better lives though crotchal cleanliness and deodorization.  She’s a social worker and as such, she comes into contact with The Great Unwashed on a daily basis.  She’s always shocked and dismayed at how many people don’t know anything about brushing their teeth or washing their funky asses.  Some of her clients even think babies come out of their belly buttons and are pretty shocked when they go into labor and the baby does not emerge, alien style, from the center of their stomachs.  I shit you not.  So there are people out there, you undoubtedly incredulous Toy with Mes, that don’t know how to have clean private parts or even that there is a need for such things.  Even some Marine Biologists don’t know, apparently.

Without further ado, here is my mom’s advice for a clean and lovely-smelling vagina:

  • Drink plenty of water!  It cleans you from the inside out and makes your pee-pee more watery.  Smelly, concentrated, pungent pee means you’re dehydrated and it can totally make it seem like your twidget is funky, too.  You can also try cranberry juice if water bores you.  The cranberry will also help prevent urinary tract infections.
  • Don’t eat crap food because you are what you eat! If you eat fish tacos day in and day out, delicious as they may be, you’re going to have a fish taco.  Eating a variety of healthy foods that are low in sugar (because germs love sugar) can make your fur burger happy.  Try to get some acidophilus into you by eating yogurt or taking a supplement.
  • Don’t be such a cum dumpster! Sperm is highly alkaline, and so when introduced to your vajeen, it needs to work extra hard to restore it’s naturally acidic status.  This is particularly a problem if you’ve got loads and loads of different kinds of sperm going in and out of there like the metro, so if you’re sleeping around and you don’t use condoms, you’re gonna smell like the dirty girl you are.  Don’t act surprised.  Consider it yet another argument for safe sex.  Or swallowing.
  • Wear cotton panties.  I know the lacy ones are so pretty and they have their place in your lingerie wardrobe, but for every day underpanties, choose cotton so your kitty can breathe.  Or no undies, you naughty thing, you.
  • Do not douche.  It fucks with everything up in there by killing the healthy germs called lactobacilli.  You want them because they protect you from bad guys who make your monkey funky.  Your cave of a thousand wonders is perfectly capable of regulating its own chemistry–IF YOU LEAVE IT ALONE.   How or why the douche industry is still in business is beyond me.
  • Scrub your crotchals every day.  Even if you don’t have time for a real shower, take a second to do do a whore’s bath and mop off the tits, pits, twidget and ass.  Get in the labial folds and crevices.  Do your job and make sure the yogurt and cheese is dislodged and swept away.

I’m not even going to go into why my brother would tell my mother about his girlfriend’s fishcunt because that’s a whole ‘nuther topic for another time (maybe next week, even). Anyway, this has been a public service announcement on behalf of my mother:

Please wash your netherbelows or my brother will have to break up with you. The end.

Are we happy now, mom?

Photo by nenetus.

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0 comments

  1. cosmopolite

    It is perfectly OK for boy and girl to shower together and to gently clean each other's privates. Besides, civilised sex takes place within 20 feet of a bathroom.

    Continental Europe addresses this whole topic by adding a bidet to the bath. It is used mostly by women post menarche.

    I never hear that word f—–t before. I do not like it. I have this weird notion that that part of a woman's body should be revered, not mocked. The place where my life began, and the place the sight of which I mightily craved when I was younger, must be a mighty fine place.

    That very coarse word refers to a smell. I have caught whiffs of that smell now and then. It is a natural consequence of stale pee, and turns me on much more than it bothers me.

    BTW, I suspect that Sarah Silverman is changing how American women talk and behave.

  2. sixnettles

    I am shitting myself laughing. Fortunately I live on rosebud salad and rosehip tea so it smells like a flower garden in here.

  3. @LifesCrazyJoke

    I'm pretty sure you win the award for Most Useful Blog. If there is not an award, I will create one. My shit smells good. Mainly (now I know) because we practice the pull out method.

  4. Wicked Shawn

    Okay, the article was fucking hilarious, as well as informative. What more can you ask for? Way to shake it up and then wash it off, Crissy!! As for the girlfriend, I hope Ken did suggest little brother just shower with her and do a little slip-n-slide in the shower helping her clean things up really well. Also, since I have two brothers, I couldn't possibly sing the National Anthem loud enough to keep from being permanently damaged from a question like that. OMFG!!!

  5. Christina

    This was sent as an email – intended for the author – but somebody named Paul responded and told me to feel free to post it as a comment. Sooo….

    As funny as this article is supposed to be, it's actually really sad. A constant snatch odor is really likely to be a health issue, not a hygiene issue. You can't wash away Bacterial Vaginosis, a mostly harmless infection which makes your gina smell like fish – or in some women, some other foul stench. Most women don't know they have it, and it's often passed from sexual partners, so your brother may have even given her the infection – and if he didn't have it before, he does now. Unless they used condoms every time (does anyone?). His next partner will develop it too, unless he gets treated – and many doctors don't accept that men are carriers. They don't have symptoms, therefore they don't have it. Hello, Patriarchal Medicine. Many women have this problem and are too ashamed to talk about it, so they just think they have a stinky pinky and go years with a befouled la la land. And it's not tested for unless you make a complaint, or you have a doctor that notices and is proactive about your health. If she had trouble getting her teeth brushed, I'm guessing she wasn't getting a regular look-see under the hood either. To top it off, they give you antibiotics for it, and those often cause yeast infections, so you get on a funky snatch rollercoaster – ick. Maybe you can send an anonymous email to this clueless stinkster – ignorance, in this case, sure as hell isn't bliss.

    • ken

      christina:

      thank you for your thoughtful comment. it prompted me to do some research on BV.

      from what i've found this morning, there appears to be some dissent as to what role sexual activity plays in BV.

      the CDC states:

      "The cause of BV is not fully understood. BV is associated with an imbalance in the bacteria that are normally found in a woman's vagina. The vagina normally contains mostly "good" bacteria, and fewer "harmful" bacteria. BV develops when there is an increase in harmful bacteria.
      Not much is known about how women get BV. There are many unanswered questions about the role that harmful bacteria play in causing BV. Any woman can get BV. However, some activities or behaviors can upset the normal balance of bacteria in the vagina and put women at increased risk including:

      * Having a new sex partner or multiple sex partners,
      * Douching

      It is not clear what role sexual activity plays in the development of BV"

      the British Association for Sexual Health and HIV does not consider it to be a sexually transmitted infection.

      according to webmd, "Bacterial vaginosis is not transmitted through sexual intercourse but is more common in women who are sexually active."

      having said that there are a few sources which indicate simultaneous treatment of the sexual parter (if there is one) demonstrates a reduced chance of recurrance. according to an australian study: "A past history of BV, a regular sex partner throughout the study, and female sex partners were significantly associated with recurrence of BV and abnormal vaginal flora by multivariate analysis; the use of hormonal contraception had a negative association with recurrence."

      so your claim that "patriarchal medicine" is to blame for to the lack of diagnosing and treating male carriers seems to be PARTIALLY supported by authoritative sources. (and yes, i do believe there is generally speaking a patriarchal bent to western medicine, and yes, i do realize that i am using western/patriarchal sources to address your claim, but the reality is that that's as good as we're going to get.)

      personally, i believe that 1) BV is caused by an upset in the naturally occuring balance of flora, 2) putting ANYTHING (dick, dildo, fingers, mouth, pussy, etc) on or around your vagina will tend to introduce different bacteria, 3) good hygiene–for ALL participants–CAN and WILL reduce the number of these foreign bacteria that come in direct contact with the vagina and therefore reduce the likelihood of infection.

      finally, i do not believe crissy's article was intended to be solely funny, or solely serious, but rather a blend of the two–i believe it is possible to laugh about weighty subjects.

      ken

    • Thanks for mentioning this. Any kind of 'fishy' odor is health-related. There are several things that could cause funky smells, but the fish is BV, and it's caused by BACTERIA, sexually transmitted or NOT. You need a prescription to get rid of it. The end.

      • ken

        so you get a scrip. for what? antibiotics? antibiotics which kill off all of the GOOD bacteria (in the vagina, and in your intestines, too).

        cutting off your nose to spite your face doesn't sound like a good plan to me.

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