This post today is really mostly a public service announcement brought to you by my mother who rather insisted that I write about hygiene. She was just like, “I think people need hygiene lessons. I want you to teach them about basic hygiene through your blogging and you need to go into great detail because they need to know how to be clean.”
Apparently, my mother thinks you guys are dirty.
The whole thing got started when she got all fired up about it the other day when I was at her house. I said the word “fishcunt” because that’s how we roll in my family. Actually, truth be told, it was used while describing how I was going to tell off the first grader who gave my kid trouble on the bus. (In the end, we never told her off, so don’t worry. My classy daughter decided to try and make friends with her instead. I don’t know where she gets it.)
Suddenly, in the midst of MY story, my dear mother interrupted me and started telling a story of her own. Apparently, as soon as I mentioned the word “fishcunt,” she was immediately reminded of my brother’s (recently ex-) girlfriend. He broke up with her after dating for about a year and I was disappointed to hear it because she was pretty and smart just like me, but she had hygiene issues not like me at all, and while he managed to get her to wash her hair, shave her pits, and clean under her fingernails, he could not get her to de-funk her crotchal area. I guess I could have seen this coming–a few months ago, he asked me what the best way to tell a girl she needs to “scrub her beaver” would be. I covered my ears and sang the National Anthem because I did not want to have that conversation with my brother and then I sent him to my husband for advice. The poor kid didn’t want to hurt ol’ fishcunt’s feelings and was looking for a nice way to say it, but the fact was he didn’t want to go down on her because she was stinky and smelly.
I gotta tell you–I find the whole “fishcunt” thing ironic as I believe she was a Marine Biologist. So to me, it seems completely appropriate that she would have a fishcunt. It’s almost exactly like how being a chef puts you at greater risk for being chubby. I think he’s being fussy. The poor girl’s fishcunt is just an occupational hazard!
My mom’s heart is in a good place here you guys and she really wants to help people have better lives though crotchal cleanliness and deodorization. She’s a social worker and as such, she comes into contact with The Great Unwashed on a daily basis. She’s always shocked and dismayed at how many people don’t know anything about brushing their teeth or washing their funky asses. Some of her clients even think babies come out of their belly buttons and are pretty shocked when they go into labor and the baby does not emerge, alien style, from the center of their stomachs. I shit you not. So there are people out there, you undoubtedly incredulous Toy with Mes, that don’t know how to have clean private parts or even that there is a need for such things. Even some Marine Biologists don’t know, apparently.
Without further ado, here is my mom’s advice for a clean and lovely-smelling vagina:
- Drink plenty of water! It cleans you from the inside out and makes your pee-pee more watery. Smelly, concentrated, pungent pee means you’re dehydrated and it can totally make it seem like your twidget is funky, too. You can also try cranberry juice if water bores you. The cranberry will also help prevent urinary tract infections.
- Don’t eat crap food because you are what you eat! If you eat fish tacos day in and day out, delicious as they may be, you’re going to have a fish taco. Eating a variety of healthy foods that are low in sugar (because germs love sugar) can make your fur burger happy. Try to get some acidophilus into you by eating yogurt or taking a supplement.
- Don’t be such a cum dumpster! Sperm is highly alkaline, and so when introduced to your vajeen, it needs to work extra hard to restore it’s naturally acidic status. This is particularly a problem if you’ve got loads and loads of different kinds of sperm going in and out of there like the metro, so if you’re sleeping around and you don’t use condoms, you’re gonna smell like the dirty girl you are. Don’t act surprised. Consider it yet another argument for safe sex. Or swallowing.
- Wear cotton panties. I know the lacy ones are so pretty and they have their place in your lingerie wardrobe, but for every day underpanties, choose cotton so your kitty can breathe. Or no undies, you naughty thing, you.
- Do not douche. It fucks with everything up in there by killing the healthy germs called lactobacilli. You want them because they protect you from bad guys who make your monkey funky. Your cave of a thousand wonders is perfectly capable of regulating its own chemistry–IF YOU LEAVE IT ALONE. How or why the douche industry is still in business is beyond me.
- Scrub your crotchals every day. Even if you don’t have time for a real shower, take a second to do do a whore’s bath and mop off the tits, pits, twidget and ass. Get in the labial folds and crevices. Do your job and make sure the yogurt and cheese is dislodged and swept away.
I’m not even going to go into why my brother would tell my mother about his girlfriend’s fishcunt because that’s a whole ‘nuther topic for another time (maybe next week, even). Anyway, this has been a public service announcement on behalf of my mother:
Please wash your netherbelows or my brother will have to break up with you. The end.
Are we happy now, mom?
Photo by nenetus.